Wedding Shower Problem

[AngieJoy]

Hi all,

I could use some support here. My nephew who I've been really close to is getting married. I was invited to the shower with lunch in a nice restaurant inside a high end department store.

I called the hostess to let her know I'm coming and I mentioned the gluten free diet. I told her I'd be happy to speak with the restaurant myself to make it easy for her, but to be respectful I offered to have her handle it any way she wanted. She asked me to let her choose the menu and talk with the restaurant herself and she'd get back to me. It was a very friendly phone call and the girl seemed happy to help.

Maybe 3 weeks went by, and the shower was now about 2 1/2 weeks away. I tend to handle things as far in advance as I can to have things go smoothly because I have a host of health challenges, and this makes life go easier. I figured she'd chosen the menu by now and thought maybe she'd forgotten about me. I decided to call and left a quick, friendly message saying I was just checking in and I'd be happy to just call myself or to do whatever she preferred.

My nephew called me and told me that I was being very rude by trying to get gluten free food. He said I was harassing this girl by calling her twice, and I should have never even asked her about it. I should have just gone and eaten what was there, or if that would make me sick then I should have just gone and not eaten. Without going into more of what he said, it was super hurtful.

I've been on a gluten-free diet for over a year. I've learned to call ahead if I'm going somewhere with a group to a restaurant that I'm unfamiliar with. I don't wish to call attention to myself, and calling ahead makes for a smoother visit with less hassle. I certainly would feel extremely uncomfortable about bringing my own food to a high end restaurant and I'm sure my nephew would think THAT was rude.

I have never encountered such intolerance and I was shocked to find it in someone I've cared so much about.

I would appreciate input from you all. Thanks!

[violentlyserene]

It sounds like your nephew is really stressed about the wedding and not being himself. I wouldn't worry too much about too much. I wouldn't have called yet but it really wasn't that big of a deal.

[kareng]

I would have., and you still could, go with the "I don't want someone to pay for food I can't eat.". Tell the hostess, ""don't worry. I'll just have a drink. Don't pay for my food. Food allergies, you know?"

Then come, but eat first. Have an iced tea or wine if they are having that.

[rosetapper23]

You did everything right...and he was totally wrong. I agree that he's probably feeling stressed out, but you handled the situation the way it should have been handled. Your calling the restaurant to request gluten-free food was not out of line, and you should remind your nephew that you are simply looking out for your own meal and not other people's meals. They can eat whatever they want, and the high-end restaurant should understand that everyone has a right to eat a safe meal, including you. Politely request that your nephew respect your right to arrange for your own food. That's not out of line, and I'm sure the restaurant knows this. I think perhaps there was a miscommunication between the restaurant and your nephew....but you need to remind the restaurant that you are a patron just everyone else and should be treated with the same respect.

I'm wondering....what is the male equivalent of Bridezilla?

[CR5442]

You poor things both of you. You needing to know that your aren't going to be glutened and him probably dealing with queries, stress and pre-wedding nerves! I'm sure that he will settle down. In the meantime I agree with the other poster that you should make sure you have a very very good meal before the wedding, take snacks along in your bag and definitely have some wine if that's what you like! You never know, you might be surprised and the girl who obviously had a whinge at him may have seen the error of her ways and get the kitchen to produce something safe and delicious for you. Crossed finger!

[sahm-i-am]

I am sorry your nephew hurt your feeling so. That is the saddest part. Let's blame that on wedding nerves and we all have NO idea what his future bride said to him about your message. She might have portrayed the message you left in a less-than-flattering light and he reacted badly to that. I am sorry.

If you know the name of the restaurant call ahead and explain your situation, that you are part of the shower luncheon and would like to know about the menu and if a person with Celiac Disease can safely eat it. Ask perhaps if they can prepare yours without the gluten without any extra trouble. No need to say anything to your nephew or his fiancee. If the restaurant can't help then follow other's advice and eat before you go, have a glass of wine and help the young couple celebrate.

So much of our culture's events revolve around food - our birthday parties, showers, neighborhood get-togethers, even holidays are all centered around food. This is normal, but when you are Celiac, your normal changes - we just have to find it. Celiacs have to focus more on the celebrating than on the food.

Let us know how it turns out.

[mamaw]

Sorry about this whole mess... Rudeness no matter what the reason is never neccessary in my book.It always happens but not neccessary.....And at times family is the biggest problem...

I never mention to the bride or groom about a specialmealforme & other celiacs people..I just waitfor theinvite & about two weeks before the event I call theplacewhere the food is coming from & ask if they understand gluten-free & ask if it would be possible to have a gluten-free meal or should I eat before I go. I also offer to pay for my own meal not to charge the couple.. I have never had to pay!The caterer just states no problem & no extra cost.. Now there is still gluten items that they tell me not to touch .....Honestly there is usually a fruit & c heese tray & salads if nothing else..

I've never had a problem.

In fact when my neighbor got married I called the chef to ask about gluten-free & he said ,oh my friend is gluten-free so everything I do in the meal is always gluten-free , much easier that way these days with people & allergies. Now I know celiac is not an allergy but this chef got it!!!!

I think you set yourself upon this one..I myself would never want or expect another person to care about my food issues, its just not their problem. Yes, I would like it when they understand but most don't unless they are dealing with the same issues...

I would let things settle down , its not worth loosing a friendship over........

Honestly, I don't think you would have felt any better had the Bride said Oh I can't be worrying about your diet..this is my big day..... You still would have been feeling they don't care about you... A no win situation either way...I feel it is just better not to ask so one doesn't feel hurt...better to handle yourself, quietly........

Feel better

[Takala]

Wow, you are all much more tolerant than I am of somebody calling and telling you to **** off like that.

And the hostess should have dealt with you, not the nephew, on this. It sounds like she didn't make any accommodations, or could not, which is fine, BUT, she should have at least had the nerve to call you up and say, So Sorry, we can't make this work, just attend and bring your own food if you need to eat. Or you'll have to speak to the restaurant yourself.

I'd skip the wedding shower, and maybe the wedding. Nephew apparently feels "entitled" to berate people who are just trying to avoid being sick during the wedding shower shakedown routine ? What other criteria must the guests have ? Ability to eat peanuts, shellfish? No dentures? Certificate of recent flu vaccination? Why reward unacceptable behavior with a gift and attendance ? Everybody is "stressed" every single day by the fact of being alive, it doesn't mean they have to go out of their way to be downright nasty about it. You can bet they are spending a fortune on this, and if it were an actual "high end" restaurant they'd be able to likely do it, but they (the people planning the wedding) have no concept of what it means to be a gracious host.

[Bubba's Mom]

I guess my feelings would be more like Takala's? I wouldn't attend the shower after getting such a berating for simply wanting make sure you could attend and not be poisoned by the food.

I *might* attend the wedding, but would bring my own food.

[saintmaybe]

Yeah, hi, hello, the OP DID try to handle it on her own by calling the hostess. She didn't in fact talk to the nephew or the bride, she talked to the shower planner.

The hostess very much should have been able to arrange a gluten free meal easily, or if not, should have been able to communicate that back to the OP in a professional manner.

Instead, the hostess decided to get unreasonably annoyed and then involved the nephew, who then made things much worse by dumping on the OP.

IMHO, having safe food to eat is not trivial thing to ask about, it's a requirement of attendance. It's part of the tradition of hospitality. As in, if you want me to come, you will either have safe food for me to eat, or you will not say anything when I bring my own.

Although I think it's gauche to have NOTHING when you've been notified a month and half in advance.

There is never a call for rudeness, and the OP was absolutely in the right the whole way through.

[bartfull]

If it had been a peanut allergy, you know, one of those deadly kind, would they have berated you for that? Well, Celiac can be just as deadly in the long run.

If it were me, I would bring my own food and drink, and I'd actually make a show of getting it out and getting it ready. When people ask why you brought your own, you could just smile and explain that you have food allergies. You won't have to say anything more - everyone will be made aware that these people didn't give a rip about your health, and THEY will look bad in the eyes of the other guests.

I think that would be even better than not showing up at all because it shows that YOU tried, and they DIDN'T.

[AngieJoy]

I so appreciate all your comments and suggestions. I see I was not off base here. Thank you.

I think that if I were to show up there with food they'd consider that gauche and rude. He specifically said that I should not eat. It's very hurtful and so disappointing that he's so caught up in what it looks like to others, which really outweighs his concern for me by far. And believe me, I was not some absent, distant aunt. He went through a lot of troubles and I was there for him.

I'm going to email him about the way he handled me and I'm hoping he's going to respond positively and try and do better.

[pricklypear1971]

I so appreciate all your comments and suggestions. I see I was not off base here. Thank you.

I think that if I were to show up there with food they'd consider that gauche and rude. He specifically said that I should not eat. It's very hurtful and so disappointing that he's so caught up in what it looks like to others, which

really outweighs his concern for me by far. And believe me, I was not some absent, distant aunt. He went through a lot of troubles and I was there for him.

I'm going to email him about the way he handled me and I'm hoping he's going to respond positively and try and do

better.

I wouldn't email. Call him or talk face to face. These things tend to get out of hand on email, I've found.

I don't have advice otherwise. Little Miss Hostess would darn sure be on my list, though.

[bartfull]

Well, if you go and don't eat at all, people will be sure to ask why. When you tell them you have food allergies, they are sure to ask why the restaurant couldn't accomodate you. Then you can just smile and tell them that your nephew told you not to eat, rather than trying to work with you. That's pribably even better.

I know how hard this must be for you emotionally. I have had family members whom I have knocked myself out to help too, and have been treated poorly for it. I guess that's why they came up with the expression, "No good deed goes unpunished". All I can tell you by way of comfort is, he is young, and someday he'll grow up enough to realize how wrong, cruel, and ungratefull he is being right now.

[mushroom]

Well, if you go and don't eat at all, people will be sure to ask why. When you tell them you have food allergies, they are sure to ask why the restaurant couldn't accomodate you. Then you can just smile and tell them that your nephew told you not to eat, rather than trying to work with you. That's pribably even better.

.

Yes, but be very "sweet" about it, like "Oh that's all right. My nephew just didn't want me making a fuss!"

[ravenwoodglass]

I wouldn't email. Call him or talk face to face. These things tend to get out of hand on email, I've found.

I don't have advice otherwise. Little Miss Hostess would darn sure be on my list, though.

This is what I would advise also. Do you personally know the hostess? She could be a real witch and have blown things out of preportion with your nephew. If you are not comfortable attending then don't. You are not obliged to. If you do want to go perhaps contact the restaurant itself and explain your need for something gluten free if it is available. I wouldn't punish your nephew and his soon to be wife over the hostesses behavior though. Do go to the wedding even if you don't go to the shower if you have been close. You don't want to ruin a lifetime of a good relationship over a rude woman you may never see again.

[Googles]

I just got back from my brother's wedding. They were very helpful. Know that the price of things like a place setting at these types of things are set a head of time, and differences in what is served can cause differences in the final bill amount. I am not excusing the person's behavior, she should have helped you as much as possible, even to just say she couldn't do it instead of contacting your nephew. But going directly to the restaurant might cause problems with the bill. You should definitely bring your own food if you go. That is totally okay. That is what I did for meals that they could not accommodate me at. My brother had the rehearsal dinner at a restaurant that had a gluten free menu so I was able to get food there. I didn't eat a the wedding ceremony because it was catered as a buffet.

As someone above said, you will probably be asked a lot about why you are not eating or eating food that is different than anyone else. I can't count the number of times I had to explain my celiac to people. I had to say that was why I wasn't eating, then people often wanted to know what it was. But they were all really accepting. I don't think I explained it that much in a three day period before. Even when I was first diagnosed. LOL.

[AngieJoy]

Thanks for the understanding and the uggestions. It really helps!

I would think that for the members of the immediate family they could make accommodations for allergies and celiac. Perhaps in a large wedding it would be tough to do that for everyone, but my nephew has a very small immediate family.

I would certainly do that if I were creating an event. I wouldn't want any of my close family sitting there not eating, or having to bring a TV dinner in if I could provide something nice for them.

I'm kind of shocked that anyone would not want to take care of their close family members.