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Rachel--24

Omg...i Might Be On To Something

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Rachel that's tough. If it's not our past (I'm talking primarily fathers here) than it is us. My mother is very afraid of showing love because she doesn't want to get hurt. I always knew she loved me but she showed it with giving me things instead of her. She's a smidgen better today, at least she told me she was afraid of getting hurt. I have a friend who's father was very controlling etc and she got herself into one marriage that lasted 6 months and another that may have been 6 years (I forget). She is with someone else now and hopes to marry I think. Since she underwent some counseling I'm assuming this guy is different.

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Andrea,

Sounds like you've come a long way. :)

I believe in God and probably have become more aware of His presence since I've gotten sick.....which is good....but I still have a long way to go as far as that goes. I dont go to church.

Before I was a christian I had a boyfriend in college and we had planned on getting married. He broke it off and I tail spun into another relationship with someone I shouldn't have because, in hindsight, I knew it wouldn't work. My past is something I'm ashamed of (read between the lines and you'll figure it out, I'm totally hetero and never been anything other) and I'm glad I found a relationship with Jesus. Jesus has forgiven my past and I hope that you all will also.

Hmm...if I'm reading between the lines correctly....then we are opposites in that respect. After I got sick I tailspun into another relationship with someone because I knew it wouldnt work...and I didnt care. It was a really nice guy. He wanted a chance to try to make me love him...eventually I said "fine." I was never into him the way he was into me. It was more "safe" than anything...he was really involved in my health problems...went to all my doctor appts. etc. He wanted to get married. I was trying to fool myself....thinking I could live like that. It just wasnt me and I was just going with the flow until I just couldnt do it anymore.

It was kind of messed up but one day out of nowhere while he was showering I got all my stuff, threw it in the car, and left his keys on the coffee table....thats how I broke it off. Typical..I just didnt have the energy to fight about it or try to be convinced to stay. It was rude of me but we are great friends now. I felt like he deserved better...and he did.

This new guy though...its different. I really am interested. I dont think I'm trying to fool myself but thats why I just wanna go slow and see what may or may not develop. If I dont feel "butterflies"...its useless...I know that much about myself. I dont mean the yucky Celiac type butterflies either. :P I'm talking about the ones you get when you fall in love. :D

So far no guy has ever given me butterflies but it doesnt mean its impossible.

So if you read between the lines you could see how I dont know where I stand with God. I was raised Catholic and I dont agree with alot of the stuff that got drilled into my head going to Catholic Schools all my life. I think God loves me the same though.

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Rachel,

I was very much "man dependent". It wasn't until I realized that I could live my life alone if need be that I met my husband. I didn't have my horse to entertain me after high school since I had leased her out and couldn't afford to take her back. She took up a lot of my time in high school and was my best friend. Then I got a dog that was my best friend. I always had a cat or two or three also. People friends are great, it just seems that most of my reliable friends have been critters. :P Now I don't have any critters and I miss them but am busy with the children (and this forum :D ).

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I was actually lying for the sake of the people on this thread who might not be able to eat them :ph34r:. Then I realized my avatar is of me eating pizza (need to change that :)), so that was kind of twisted logic. My true opinion of the tortillas:

They are really good and I am really excited about them :D. I made wraps for lunch yesterday and they were quite tasty.

Ok, I understand your plan, it was nice of you to think of those who can't eat them! They are quite exciting, I get really giddy about them myself :lol:

I had one today :D I'm trying them out to see if I have a reaction after clearing them out for a while.

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Thing is...I did have that "look" and that kind of devotion from the people I was with. Inevitabley though...they become insecure and possessive and I get irritated from the whole thing and drive them further away. I think I take the "look" and everything else that comes with it for granted...as if it can never end. Because of the fights and accussations of cheating, etc. I usually dont care either way by the time the relationship ends but this last time I did still care very much and I still do. I just didnt know how to stop it from happenning. :(

Since it happens to me everytime I think the problem is somewhere within me. Trying to work that out. Its like I just dont want to argue so I turn off completely...I show no emotion...only indifference. It would appear that I dont care even if inside I'm hurting...nobody can see it. I would rarely cry. Since I've been sick though I've cried more than I ever have my entire life...I cry real easy now.

I tried to explain some of this to my ex in my mushy "sweet potato induced haze" last week but I cant explain stuff as easily as I can write it out here. Anyways its been 3 years and there is nothing left except my regrets. It doesnt matter cuz I was told when they loved me my actions and my words chipped away at that love and now its gone. They have a wall up that I cant get past. One day someone will....but I know I dont get another chance so I just have to move on and hopefully dont make that mistake next time.

Rachel, a couple things struck me when I read your replies. Is there any chance you want to revive something between you and your ex? Your words sound as if you still have a lot of feelings for him, almost as if the love is still there, and the door is not completely closed? Also, you mention that he became insecure and possessive and there were accusations of cheating. I vaguely recall a post, oh 20 pages back or so :lol: , that your ex was doing things with you and hiding it from his current girlfriends. So, and who am I to say, but it seems like he has patterns of unhealthy behavior that he takes from relationship to relationship as well. While I agree that there has been something within you, pushing him away, lack of communication, cutting off your feelings, etc., hurting him before he can hurt you, it feels like you are blaming only yourself and I think you deserve better than this "dance", or series of reactive movements back and forth with each other, you and the men in your past relationship do, have done. Just an observation.

I think it is a positive sign you are able to look back at it and see it for it was, to see that you were more closed off, less compassionate, less communicative, and so on. And through your illness you have been able to connect with your emotions, to FEEL, to cry, you even attempted to spill your heart out in the sweet potato incident :lol::lol: Imo that is great personal growth.

Sorry for those of you that don't believe in Jesus. Although my relationship with Him (Jesus) has had some bumps (of my doing) I still believe my life is much better with Him than without Him.

Andrea, I'm not a religious person, but I respect your beliefs and I am glad it got you through some tough times and to a better place. :) I'm sad that you feel shame about your past. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and those difficult times, and maybe not so wise choices, are so valuable, giving us an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and life, and leading us to the next place along our life journey.

What I tell all my young women friends is to settle for no less than a man who adores you, if you haven't seen a film called Il Postino, see it and watch for the scene in the bar where he sees her, you'll know what I mean. In his eyes you can see that, for him, the sun and moon rise and set in her. That's the look you want from a man. I've told my husband that I think men are generally impossible but if they love you back as fiercely as you love them then they will do the work to meet you fully. Women should never ever settle for less than that. Okay, I could rant on about this but I'll stop for now. :D

Great advice rinne :) Congratulations to you and your sweetie!

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Rachel, a couple things struck me when I read your replies. Is there any chance you want to revive something between you and your ex? Your words sound as if you still have a lot of feelings for him, almost as if the love is still there, and the door is not completely closed?

Julie,

You are sooo very observant. :ph34r:

Ummm...yes...I wanted a second chance. I never fell out of love...I just focused on getting better. I had a "fantasy" in my head that once I got better we could work things out.

I honestly had alot of those "sweet potato" moments for the first year after we broke up but amazingly after changing my diet....no more mushy "sweet potato" moments. The feelings were still there. I just didnt cry or even bring it up anymore. For the most part I think I hid my feelings pretty well.

And yup, there is a new girlfriend. Not new anymore though. Shes been there since shortly after we broke up so like 3 years now. She has no idea we even talk...let alone hang out. The impression I'm getting from conversations is that there is no love there....more of a friendship then anything. The opposite of what we had...which was a strong love, alot of passion but no real friendship.

Sounds like a relationship of convenience more than anything else. All I know is they pretty much live seperate lives...dont share much of anything. But there is no jealousy, my ex no longer acts like a "monster", so actually seems more at peace in this relationship....probably because there is not a real emotional attachment. My ex seems kind of dead inside and theres this big wall up. A totally different person from the one I knew.

I believe that when someone is soooo paranoid and jealous its more because they are aware of what they are capable of doing and fear that it can happen to them. Obviously my ex is very capable of lying. A big no-no on my list. I feel more guilt for the girlfriend who's sitting at home oblivious when we're out at the movies then my ex does. But I dont know enough about the relationship to judge.

When I come out of my "fantasy" that we could be together happily....I realize that I dont have the trust I did when we were first together. Thats the main thing...I need that in a relationship. Its huge to me....its also huge to have honesty....always. I was never perfect but I've never hidden things in my relationships either. I'm straight forward. Sooo...it really is just a "fantasy"....I'm sure the reality would be pretty ugly.

As far as keeping the door "open". Yeah...I've kept the door open 3 years now. I realize the door will always be open unless I close it myself. I've never gotten straight answers from my ex as far as feelings, possibility of getting back together, etc. I'll just never get those answers. I asked these things in my sweet potato haze and I never got any yes or no answers. Its the same wishy-washy "I can never say never" type BS. Just stuff to keep me hanging on.

I was told its great the way things are now...being friends, getting to know each other, etc. Yes, there is still some attraction and yes, they like it when I call or come around the family (very family oriented). Blah blah blah.

I say WTF??? All I see is more hurt for me in the future if I continue down this path that leads nowhere. I'm just the girl who fills all the holes in this other empty relationship. I wont be that girl.

I dont get it but I'm done trying to analyze everything...it is what it is. Theres other fish in the sea.

Andrea, I'm not a religious person, but I respect your beliefs and I am glad it got you through some tough times and to a better place. :) I'm sad that you feel shame about your past. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and those difficult times, and maybe not so wise choices, are so valuable, giving us an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and life, and leading us to the next place along our life journey.

I have to agree with Julie on this.

Dont feel shame. We all learn from our mishaps and it makes us stronger better people. None of us are perfect and if it werent for our tough times or bad decisions ....how would we ever learn??

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Oh...for anyone who's interested.

I've been on the Ketotifen 12 days now. I havent noticed anything changing yet but since I was told 1- 2 months at least I guess its still too soon. At least its not giving me side effects.

I'm taking it about 4 times a day. I'm even taking it if I'm skipping a meal. I figure it cant hurt to always have it in my system.

I still have half a bottle left and then another whole bottle to go through until I can really say if its working or not. That will be 2 months worth. If I still dont notice anything I'll stay on it for a couple more months before I throw in the towel. I cant believe its only been 12 days....it feels like sooo much longet than that. :huh:

I finally got to weigh myself. I've only gained back 3-4 lbs. since my disater with the yams and sweet potatoes. It falls off so fast but then it takes so much longer to get it back. :angry:

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I had one today :D I'm trying them out to see if I have a reaction after clearing them out for a while.

Ooooh Julie,

I'm so jealous! I hope you can eat them!!! You can tell me all the time how good they taste cuz I wanna know!!! I'm weird like that. :P

I always wanna smell everyones food. :)

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Ok, I understand your plan, it was nice of you to think of those who can't eat them! They are quite exciting, I get really giddy about them myself :lol:

Oh good that makes me feel less silly about having danced around in the store for a bit after I found them :lol: . I hope you do okay with the one you ate :)

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Wow, I'm amazed at the wisdom on this thread!!! You all are amazing!

I'm too tired to reply to it all, but thanks for the well wishes and welcome backs everyone! I mised you all too. IN fact, while I was there, kept wondering how many new pages on this thread I was going to come back to, lol. :lol:

I realized a while ago that the problems in my relationship start with me, lol...I've just been too tired to figure out exactly what I need to look at--I've heard Oprah say that you keep repeating the same kinds of relationships until you "learn" but I really have never tried to figure it all out...it's all exhausting sometimes.

I AM feeling better today except for the headache I have and being so danged tired. I just lazed around the house today, watched a DVD and may pop in another one soon. I don't have D, in fact haven't gone at all, but have the feeling like if I did go it would be D if that makes sense.

Rachel - I had problems with my ears yesterday too (kind of painful to fly with, lol)...they are still a bit plugged today. At least today it doesn't feel like there is fluid in there, but yesterday it did. Fortunately my reaction seems to be going away quickly.

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My ex seems kind of dead inside and theres this big wall up. A totally different person from the one I knew.

I believe that when someone is soooo paranoid and jealous its more because they are aware of what they are capable of doing and fear that it can happen to them. Obviously my ex is very capable of lying. A big no-no on my list.

As far as keeping the door "open". Yeah...I've kept the door open 3 years now. I realize the door will always be open unless I close it myself. I've never gotten straight answers from my ex as far as feelings, possibility of getting back together, etc. I'll just never get those answers. I asked these things in my sweet potato haze and I never got any yes or no answers. Its the same wishy-washy "I can never say never" type BS. Just stuff to keep me hanging on.

I'm just the girl who fills all the holes in this other empty relationship. I wont be that girl.

Rachel,

I'm going to come straight to the point. Your ex is not worth the pain and suffering he has caused you. This relationship will never work and you will continue to get hurt. Anyone who lies to another significant other while still seeing someone, even as a friend, behind their back cannot be trusted. I had an ex who called me when my then fiance was over. He (hubby) knew of this relationship and that we were friends but also knew that there would be no more than that. Both the ex and I were just friends. BTW, the ex had come to see me at work one day (before I was engaged). Totally surprised me but it was so nice to see him. I took a long break and talked to him for awhile. He was like a best friend to me. After he found out I was engaged I never heard from him again. Kind of weird isn't it. Anyway, I digress. This ex is not worth the continued tears and wishes. You've stated yourself that he is just saying stuff to lead you on and I believe it. Let go and cut your losses before you get hurt more. I know it'll be hard but you'll learn and grow more from it if you cut your ties. I know I'm being hard with you. I just call it like I see it. You're a great person who deserves much better. Don't be "the girl who fills the holes". You say you won't but aren't you if your wishing for a reconcilation? Your ex can't be trusted and will just hurt you again.

That said, I don't want to see you get hurt even more. I've grown to love all of you on this thread and I'm a very protective friend. Got that! I don't live nearby to cause problems luckily. :ph34r: Of course, the christian thing to do is not stick my nose in someone else's business. :huh: I'd just have to figure out how to get my say so in without losing it. Maybe that's why you all live so far away. :lol:

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Oh good that makes me feel less silly about having danced around in the store for a bit after I found them :lol: . I hope you do okay with the one you ate :)

So far so good Mango. Maybe I can eat a few a week without any problems? That would be nice :)

Ooooh Julie,

I'm so jealous! I hope you can eat them!!! You can tell me all the time how good they taste cuz I wanna know!!! I'm weird like that. :P

I always wanna smell everyones food. :)

They do taste good! Maybe you can eat some in the very near future, I am hopeful you will be able to :)

IN fact, while I was there, kept wondering how many new pages on this thread I was going to come back to, lol. :lol:

:lol::lol: Donna, it's so true! The posts and pages add up really fast in this thread :lol::lol:

Julie,

You are sooo very observant. :ph34r:

It's a gift...and a curse :lol::lol:

I think you have a great attitude right now, and sounds like you are in a good place. Testing out the waters and going slow, but more importantly moving on and not hanging on to the past and what was, seeing everything with a fresh perspective. Good luck with everything :)

Oh...for anyone who's interested.

I've been on the Ketotifen 12 days now. I havent noticed anything changing yet but since I was told 1- 2 months at least I guess its still too soon. At least its not giving me side effects.

It sounds like you are doing well with it. I would think that's a really good sign that you don't have any side effects. Continued success :)

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Rachel,

I'm going to come straight to the point. Your ex is not worth the pain and suffering he has caused you. This relationship will never work and you will continue to get hurt. Anyone who lies to another significant other while still seeing someone, even as a friend, behind their back cannot be trusted. I had an ex who called me when my then fiance was over. He (hubby) knew of this relationship and that we were friends but also knew that there would be no more than that. Both the ex and I were just friends. BTW, the ex had come to see me at work one day (before I was engaged). Totally surprised me but it was so nice to see him. I took a long break and talked to him for awhile. He was like a best friend to me. After he found out I was engaged I never heard from him again. Kind of weird isn't it. Anyway, I digress. This ex is not worth the continued tears and wishes. You've stated yourself that he is just saying stuff to lead you on and I believe it. Let go and cut your losses before you get hurt more. I know it'll be hard but you'll learn and grow more from it if you cut your ties. I know I'm being hard with you. I just call it like I see it. You're a great person who deserves much better. Don't be "the girl who fills the holes". You say you won't but aren't you if your wishing for a reconcilation? Your ex can't be trusted and will just hurt you again.

That said, I don't want to see you get hurt even more. I've grown to love all of you on this thread and I'm a very protective friend. Got that! I don't live nearby to cause problems luckily. :ph34r: Of course, the christian thing to do is not stick my nose in someone else's business. :huh: I'd just have to figure out how to get my say so in without losing it. Maybe that's why you all live so far away. :lol:

Hehe.....if I had a dollar for everytime I've heard that same speech....I would be sooooo rich by

now!! :lol::lol:

Obviously I'm a slow learner cuz its taken me quite some time to get a clue. :ph34r:

I agree with everything you wrote by the way and appreciate that you speak your mind. :)

I do feel like I'm in a good place right now (as Julie said) and I'm moving forward. No more looking back wistfully. Anyways my ex said that they are not the same person anymore. All of the stuff that I loved about this person is gone. This was someone who would cry over a valentines card and someone who celebrated our anniversary every single month. Everything mattered. Thats what I loved and miss. Thats what I'm wistful about. The only thing wrong in the relationship was the jealousy issues....which was bad enough to destroy everything.

Anyways, all that stuff doesnt matter to my ex anymore. There are no more anniversaries and Valentines is just another day and like I said its a totally different person. I was kind of shocked when I found all this out. I had been thinking how lucky the new girlfriend was to have the person I once had....with all these great qualities. My ex said they just dont feel like investing their feelings in relationships anymore and so nothing matters....its a real coldness. Thats not who I would wanna be back together with. Thats a different person and thats whats really allowing me to close the door and leave everything in the past.

Now if I could just stop having reactions to food that would be really freakin great....thats all I want. I could be happy for everyday of the rest of my life if I could just have that one wish granted! :D

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Rachel,

The food will come in time also, as you heal. Keep up with the meds and for goodness sake, give them time. It to awhile to get sick you know.

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Calling Donna. :) Are you feeling better today? :unsure:

Floridian,

We miss your posts. Seen any dolphins lately?

Did I tell you guys my favorite marine animal is dolphins and my favorite land animal is a tiger? I love all cats though as well as horses and dogs. :P Giraffes are pretty neat too. My hubby loves Cheetahs. We must be the kitty family. :lol: My daughter and son love horses and cats.

The kids didn't have too bad of a reaction to the wheat rolls they ate. Bread is my daughter's favorite food group. :blink::lol: Oh and I forgot, chips run up there too, along with treats. I like fritos but they upset my tummy if I have too many of them. Maybe it's the oil. Other chips don't seem to bother me so much.

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Did I tell you guys my favorite marine animal is dolphins and my favorite land animal is a tiger? I love all cats though as well as horses and dogs. :P Giraffes are pretty neat too. My hubby loves Cheetahs. We must be the kitty family. :lol: My daughter and son love horses and cats.

Andrea,

I'm such an animal lover. I love all animals....they just fascinate me. Everything except spiders and snakes. One of my most favorite places to go is the zoo. I could spend all day just watching the animals....and have...many times. :)

I used to have a small zoo at home but now I just have a dog, cat, bird and turtle. I used to have another dog, 2 bunnies, 3 ferrets, an iguana, a bearded dragon and pond fish. My fish grew big and jumped out of the pond. All my other pets lived their life spans...the other dog went to live with my ex when I got sick.

I dont want so many pets anymore. If I'd still had all of them it would have been very hard for me to take care of them while I was really sick and I dont know how I would have handled it. Plus its too sad when they die. :(

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a bearded dragon

Your ex? :lol::lol::lol:

Sorry Rachel, I couldn't resist. :lol::lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

Never heard of a bearded dragon. :ph34r:

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Your ex? :lol::lol::lol:

Sorry Rachel, I couldn't resist. :lol::lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

Never heard of a bearded dragon. :ph34r:

LMAO! :lol:

That was a good one. More of a "beardless" dragon though :P

This is a bearded dragon.

http://www.oaklandzoo.org/atoz/azdragon.html

Mine was really cute. His name was Pete. I named him Pete cuz of the Disney movie Pete's Dragon which I totally love....I think I'm the only one who loves that movie. Its kind of a musical and I used to sing all the songs when I was a kid....well...ummm...I can still sing all the songs. :ph34r:

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Thanks Rachel. I prefer furry critters.

With my thoughts on your ex, I'll say he's (bearded dragon) is cuter. :lol:

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Thank Andrea... I'm still here...I was busy researching old remedies for healing the tummy but I don't really want to go by any books, I'd rather hear the remedies from my people, family, thank goodness for e-mail, I just sent off some letters today. If I hear anything I'll share with everyone.

Other then that just getting through each day.

I have been keeping up with all the posts, had a few giggles!

Floridian, so god to see you :D Where have you been? I was beginning to think your absence was because you weren't feeling well. I hope that is not the case? Come back soon!

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Floridian,

We love you and are crying with you. :mellow:

I'm supposed to be taking care of dinner, but my daughter decided to cook the sausages and both her and my oldest son are feeding the baby mashed banana. :D

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Floridian,

I'm sooo sorry. I wish I could do something...you've been through alot recently. :( We're all here for you if you want to talk. You can also pm if you want. Take care of yourself...let us know how you're doing.

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I just haven't posted because there were deaths in the family due to a car accident, just trying to deal with everything.

I am so sorry Floridian, you and your family are definitely in my thoughts at such a difficult and sad time. I lost one of the dearest people in my entire life to a car accident, it is so shocking and takes you by surprise, and so final, and you feel so cheated and angry, so many emotions. I know how you feel.

Please keep us posted to how you are doing.

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Ok...my eyes must be really fuzzy tonight cuz I just saw a thread titled " Oatmeal diet for Celiacs......raising the bar". I was thinking WTF....that is a crazy diet???? :blink:

I had to squeeze my eyes shut and refocus...then I saw that it said "Optimal diet for Celiacs". :lol::lol:

I hate when my eyes get all blurry like that. Sheeesh I was ready to get on there and tell everyone "NOOO....dont do it....oats are bad!!"

How dumb would I have looked?? :ph34r:

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Ok...my eyes must be really fuzzy tonight cuz I just saw a thread titled " Oatmeal diet for Celiacs......raising the bar". I was thinking WTF....that is a crazy diet???? :blink:

I had to squeeze my eyes shut and refocus...then I saw that it said "Optimal diet for Celiacs". :lol::lol:

I hate when my eyes get all blurry like that. Sheeesh I was ready to get on there and tell everyone "NOOO....dont do it....oats are bad!!"

How dumb would I have looked?? :ph34r:

Rachel,

If I didn't know better I'd ask what you've been drinking. :lol:

OK, so is it sleep or glasses? Or are you going to blame the moon? :P

I must be posting on the wrong thread...maybe this moon thing is getting to me. :ph34r:

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