Battle Plan

[K8ling]

Ok The Beach is over, but the next trip to the inlaws is in 2 weeks. I need to have a plan of action for food. Is there a way to be forceful but still nice? Is there a book I could buy for my MiL so maybe she can understand a little better? I don't have time on this next trip to be sick the whole time, it is my husbands high school reunion and he desperately wants me to feel well enough to enjoy myself.

Should I just SAY "DO NOT FEED MY SON THIS" ? (didn't work last time). Or should I just hover like a hawk? I'm at a complete loss, and I almost wonder if she glutened me on purpose at the beach (there's some tension because my husband and I eloped). AUGH.

I would appreciate any help on the allergen front...books, magazines...whatever can help her get the point that she can't feed my toddler stuff that I am allergic to. I'll get whatever I need to if it helps make my life a little easier.

[GlutenFreeManna]

OMG, I have no idea what I would do if my family was that bad (well I haven't visited the in-laws yet so we shall see). I think I would just withdraw and refuse to eat with them. Is this just for a weekend? As much as I don't like to eat a lot of packaged foods I think I would pack a little box with non-perishable food that is sealed and doesn't require prep so there is no way they can tamper with it. I'm not sure how you can keep you son from getting glutened other than removing him during meal times and watching him like a hawk the rest of the time. Unfortunately this is not likely to improve your relationship with the in-laws.

[kareng]

I don't get why you would go back there so soon. A class reunion isn't that important. Let the hub go by himself. Just because someone is a relative, doesn't mean you have to visit if they have already proven to be hostile. Your hub shouldn't expect you to go and get hurt physically and mentally. It's his job to protect you. He should let his folks know why you won't be back. Have them to your house next time where you can control what's in your house.

[kareng]

Sorry, double post! Spooky!

[K8ling]

HAHA it was trying to get the point through my thick skull I think. Yes, I agree with the non perishable foods thing. Also, we have already paid for tickets and it's a big deal to my husband I guess. My mom tried to plan my grandfathers memorial that weekend and Hubs begged her to change it. I REALLY don't want to go back and be around them yet but I am not seeing a way around this so I am going to make the best of it. I am going to PUT MY FOOT DOWN with food though, and I called my doctor today to get a note from him to give to her. Also, I am taking hr a book about celiac disease and being non gluten, and all the handouts that my doctor gave me. I REFUSE to let them dictate what *I* will feed my child. I have a feeling this could get ugly but I am afraid if I don't do it now, nothing will change. MY parents are incredibly supportive, but my dad has Celiac and my grandma has Crohns so they're familiar with it.

Frustration, I has it :o/

[kareng]

HAHA it was trying to get the point through my thick skull I think. Yes, I agree with the non perishable foods thing. Also, we have already paid for tickets and it's a big deal to my husband I guess. My mom tried to plan my grandfathers memorial that weekend and Hubs begged her to change it. I REALLY don't want to go back and be around them yet but I am not seeing a way around this so I am going to make the best of it. I am going to PUT MY FOOT DOWN with food though, and I called my doctor today to get a note from him to give to her. Also, I am taking hr a book about celiac disease and being non gluten, and all the handouts that my doctor gave me. I REFUSE to let them dictate what *I* will feed my child. I have a feeling this could get ugly but I am afraid if I don't do it now, nothing will change. MY parents are incredibly supportive, but my dad has Celiac and my grandma has Crohns so they're familiar with it.

Frustration, I has it :o/

So... A non-refundable plane ticket is more important to your hub than your health. Well, at least you know where you stand.

When I travel, I bring my own pan, fold-up colander for pasta, plastic cooking spoon, spatula. Maybe you can hit a grocery and get some food you and baby can fix and eat. Wash your pans right away and pack back in your room. I even bring a hand towel to dry them with. Foil is also good if you have to use their pans or grill. I have even used it to make a "pan" for the oven. Put a piece or double piece on the rack in the oven and put food straight on it.

[tarnalberry]

No need to be nice about it anymore. You tried that, and it didn't work. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity and all that. Do put your foot down, do call them on it, do tell them you don't give a rat's backside about whether they think it's reasonable or not because it's your decision and you can be as bat guano crazy as you want to be.

[Coinkey]

You may have to travel to the inlaws town but you don't have to force yourself to stay at their house. There are always hotels and if your husband doesn't want to stay in a hotel then he can stay at the poisoner's lair and you can have an awesome time with your son in a room elsewhere.

I would also give them as much literature as possible because "knowing is half the battle"...

[K8ling]

Thanks for all the input and support, guys. I talked with husband last night, and he totally has my back (he called his mom "Glutenzilla"). He said that I could do whatever I needed to and he would have my back. The catch is, we can't stay at a hotel. Not going to happen. SO I am going to take my tinfoil and make my own food and occupy the baby during their meal times. And he will NOT be eating the stuff they try to feed him. I love my husband AND my son but I am not getting sick because they can eat whatever.

As for me not playing nice...well, I am going to give it one last chance...I will sit down with her face to face and tell her flat out THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN or we will not visit. She knows that I am the gateway to my son, especially when husband is deployed. She wants to see our son during deployments, she needs to get with the program. If I can't be 100% confident that I can be well while I am at their house, we will not be visiting, especially when my husband is deployed because then there is no one to help me get better AND wrangle a toddler. If she doesn't make a complete turnaround, I will not be coming to visit again, and neither will the baby.

I hate to have to be mean like that but I am STILL recovering from last week and I have been home 2 days! I have lost 8 pounds since last week! I am not a happy camper, especially since this all could have been avoided if they had tried to work with me more.

Also, going to the bookstore today to get some reading material for her.

[Almendra]

Yeah, it sounds like she needs to make a firm decision to be a SAFE person for the family unit of her son.

And, I can say that I cannot blame your husband at all for wanting you to come to the reunion really badly. If he wants to live the dream of showing off his cute wife and family to former classmates and to have you meet and know the people he talks about - really, that can be priceless!

[ravenwoodglass]

Thanks for all the input and support, guys. I talked with husband last night, and he totally has my back (he called his mom "Glutenzilla"). He said that I could do whatever I needed to and he would have my back. The catch is, we can't stay at a hotel. Not going to happen. SO I am going to take my tinfoil and make my own food and occupy the baby during their meal times. And he will NOT be eating the stuff they try to feed him. I love my husband AND my son but I am not getting sick because they can eat whatever.

As for me not playing nice...well, I am going to give it one last chance...I will sit down with her face to face and tell her flat out THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN or we will not visit. She knows that I am the gateway to my son, especially when husband is deployed. She wants to see our son during deployments, she needs to get with the program. If I can't be 100% confident that I can be well while I am at their house, we will not be visiting, especially when my husband is deployed because then there is no one to help me get better AND wrangle a toddler. If she doesn't make a complete turnaround, I will not be coming to visit again, and neither will the baby.

I hate to have to be mean like that but I am STILL recovering from last week and I have been home 2 days! I have lost 8 pounds since last week! I am not a happy camper, especially since this all could have been avoided if they had tried to work with me more.

Also, going to the bookstore today to get some reading material for her.

The NIH has some good info you can print out, if she won't believe them she won't believe anyone. Here's a link to their awareness campaign

Open Original Shared Link

[K8ling]

Thank you SO much for the link! Husband just pointed out that because she is a biology teacher she's probably thinking she's "almost" a doctor (haha RIGHT).

And yes, Almendra, he told me flat out "You're so foxy though! You gotta be my arm candy!" haha aww what a sweet guy.

[Almendra]

Exactly!!!

I'd much rather that my husband really wants me to come to show me off - than like one guy from my class reunion: the now-preacher left the wife at home with the kids to party unencumbered with old high school friends and girlfriends!!!

[K8ling]

O.o LAAAME guy. Luckily, my husband didn't have any high school girlfriends...he played baseball but he was a NERD. Big time. I was lil miss popular and married the quiet guy. Crazy how things work out!!

[Looking for answers]

I would just stay at a hotel. That should send them a message loud and clear.

[K8ling]

Again, 1) can't afford a hotel (no, really, we can't at all) and 2) I am trying to NOT burn bridges until I have to. I need to be diplomatic about this. It's only for 3 days, so it won't be NEARLY as bad as the beach was. But I am fully prepared for a fight. Luckily my husband has my back.

[Looking for answers]

Well, since you can't force someone to read a book, perhaps provide a list of food your child can eat and make sure to bring it or that it is available. It seems if you are already ready to "fight" and are going into this situation in defense, you have more of an opportunity to burn bridges. The truth is you can't control what she feeds your child when you're away, you can only ask, and that doesn't seem to be working, which is why I suggested a hotel. I guess you can just hope and pray for the best, but you need to realize you are entering into a situation that hasn't worked in the past and trying to control it again. I personally wouldn't stay with someone I thought intentionally glutened me. She sounds a bit toxic and not someone I would want to be around for an extended period of time - and defintely not someone who has your health in mind.

Finally, why isn't your husband mediating here? It's his family and his trip. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

[jerseyangel]

Again, 1) can't afford a hotel (no, really, we can't at all) and 2) I am trying to NOT burn bridges until I have to. I need to be diplomatic about this. It's only for 3 days, so it won't be NEARLY as bad as the beach was. But I am fully prepared for a fight. Luckily my husband has my back.

I understand this completely. I think if you bring everything you need with you (or buy once you get there), and are firm about making all of the food and taking care of yourself and your child, along with your husband's support, it will be ok. Some people just don't get it or don't want to and it takes repeated tries at getting through to them.

[K8ling]

Well, since you can't force someone to read a book, perhaps provide a list of food your child can eat and make sure to bring it or that it is available. It seems if you are already ready to "fight" and are going into this situation in defense, you have more of an opportunity to burn bridges. The truth is you can't control what she feeds your child when you're away, you can only ask, and that doesn't seem to be working, which is why I suggested a hotel. I guess you can just hope and pray for the best, but you need to realize you are entering into a situation that hasn't worked in the past and trying to control it again. I personally wouldn't stay with someone I thought intentionally glutened me. She sounds a bit toxic and not someone I would want to be around for an extended period of time - and defintely not someone who has your health in mind.

Finally, why isn't your husband mediating here? It's his family and his trip. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

He IS but the fact is, he doesn't need to fight my battles for me. I am a full grown woman, and while I need to have him in my corner, and on my side, and next to me when I am having the discussion about Gluten, I don't need him to fight the battle for me. She's going to have to deal with me quite a bit since he deploys, so she may as well do it now as well. His dad is also pretty good about the gluten thing. She is just stubborn and doesn't listen. FiL AND husband both told me that they'd call her out if she didn't at least look at the allergy handouts that the doctor gave me to give to her.

[jerseyangel]

K8ling, Like I said, you may have to just plow ahead and keep repeating yourself and insisting on doing it your way. My MIL is a wonderful woman, but she could not for the life of her understand why I couldn't eat the dinners she made "no where near the bread". Just didn't get it. I just kept bringing my own food, and doing what I had to do and after a while it was just accepted as how it was gonna be. Do it, own it, and the rest is their problem.

And sometimes the older people get, the more "selective" their hearing gets

[Looking for answers]

FiL AND husband both told me that they'd call her out if she didn't at least look at the allergy handouts that the doctor gave me to give to her.

Good, it sounds like you're all set then!