Newbie Anger

[sandraprint]

Ok it's been since november 17th 2007 since my last Gluten and I am angry. I've been eating mostly whole foods, spices etc. Almost nothing processed. When I do do processed it's just not right. Haven't ventured into the flours yet, just too nervous it won't be amazing. I never settled for second best before, not going to now. So mostly whole foods for me.

I'm angery for the first time in my life. I can trace back my symptoms to celiac to 1976, cronic constipation, perferated bowel in 1979, infertility, hypothyroid, migraines, short statcher, depression (that was IVF induced I'm sure), the list goes on...point is I was never angry at any of that. Now I'm angry. And not even at the doctors for not finding it sooner. Just because it is. I'm angry just because it is Celiac.

I have to ask how do we do it forever? I want an oreo sooooo bad. And think I would kill for a meatball sub. It was one of my last meals and I should have had 2.

I can't cry. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, now nothing. Has been so for about a year or more. I have no care for anything, no feeling, no emotion, no love for anything including my husband of 22 years, my best puppy dog, my worst puppy dog, my father, I've no love anymore. I feel mostly overwhelmed, I'm losing everything important...credit cards, checks, receipts, necklaces rings, my mind, stuff. I just can't seem to grasp orgainzation and I was totally anal before, ultra organized, OCD. Now I don't care about anything. I lose keys, not a care. I lose my sense of being, not a care. I can't keep my train of thought. It's aweful. I can't remember poop. I lose time. and still not a care. has anyone else not been able to cry? I think not crying is hurting me somehow.

I digress.... so how do we do this forever?

[Guest hightop girl]

First of all, I need to say this... I don't know anything for sure anymore. I didn't know this was forever until after Christmas... I had been doing it since August, but thought it was temporary. I feel the same way. Except... I never used to cry and now I cry all the time. I teach school and I was having a fit about the fact that I would never ever have real pizza again and that I wanted to cry. The counselor (a friend of mine) said rather matter of factly..."oh, you are finally in that stage of grief" first you were in deniel... maybe someday you would have pizza again, then anger... now just plain old sadness. Maybe that is where we are... in the stages. When will we hit acceptance. If I had known this was forever would I have had another slice of pizza or put it off one more day? I wish I could say something more helpful, but I do feel the same way. And... I don't seem to have very deep emotions about anything real... you know... people. What is that about?

[MDRB]

It sounds like you are having a really hard time.

I have only been gluten free for about 2 months, so I don't really have an answer to the 'how do we do this forever?' question, but I have found that eating gluten free has become second nature and that I don't crave gluten foods anymore, I just think about how sick they make me. There are some really really tasty gluten free treats out there, you should really try some of them if you are craving something sweet. Experimenting with different recipes and cooking up a storm really helped me when I was feeling down about all the changes to my life.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but from what you wrote, it sounds like you are suffering from depression. It certainly not an uncommon reaction to a complete lifestyle change. I know that depression can be a symptom of celiac disease, but it sounds like you are really careful with your diet and probably haven't eaten any gluten recently. I noticed that there are a few posts on this forum about depression, maybe reading other peoples stories will help. If you feel like you can't cope, it might be a good idea to see a doctor regarding the way you are feeling.

I hope you feel better soon.

[gfgypsyqueen]

I think everybody handles this disease differently. I suppose all major disease have their own unique way that it "hits" you. The limitations from this disease are still better than some of the other diseases out there. I agree with the stages of grief comment above. I was thrilled for a Celiac diagnosis originally. I finally had an answer. No more meds and no more side effects!!! Woo hoo! But over the years certain things about living with celiac disease make me sad, sad for my children, sad about how difficult the simple things can be now. We have multiple food allergies too. The non-stop worry about the kids and their issues. The insensitive and stupid comments strangers make I can handle. It's when immediate family and extended family say something insensitive or stupid that I really get upset. And I hear it often.

I try hard to put a positive spin on Celiacs and the food allergies, but some days there is nothing left to pull from to find that optimisic thought. If you are consistently at that hopeless place, ask your Dr for some medication to help you out of the funk, find a local support group (even if it is only one other Celiac). But talking to other people who are in the same or similar position really helps. I have found great gluten-free/CF recipes and restaurants, but I miss the ease of life before. No reading each and every label. No more trying to justify the additional grocery costs like $5 pasta and $7 box of donuts. No wondering what sparked this rash. No wondering is this a cold or was I glutened?

[tom]

Oh sandra, sorry to hear you're in that place. I remember the extreme apathy & barely-functioning brain etc.

I was having trouble just comprehending sentences a year ago, tho gluten-free for yrs, until I finally found my last, I believe, food intolerance.

Before that, brain fog, depression, apathy & that "why the hell am I BOTHERING w/ this @#$%^ diet when I'm always miserable anyway" thought were near constant.

Are you also off dairy & soy?

It's possible that some other food is affecting you mentally.

Last June, after quitting soy, I became happier, nearly every day, than I'd been since I was 8 or 9. And more mentally capable than in many yrs.

I'll never again miss any of the foods that were keeping me down.

But I can't pretend there hasn't been plenty of anger about celiac, and all it took away. Those thoughts have become less frequent as time goes on.

I hope you'll consider that diary, soy or other foods might be a factor.

[larry mac]

Dear sandraprint,

Firstly, since you have nothing in your profile and state nothing in your first and only post since joining this forum 5 months ago regarding specifics of your diagnosis vis a vis Celiac Disease, you force us to make certain assumptions.

Secondly, of course you are angry at having Celiac Disease, who of us isn't? I'm sorry I feel compelled to voice such tough love, but do you really think you miss meatball subs more than me? By God, I don't believe anyone misses all things bread more than me. I was mister bread. The bread man. Don't make me make a list. I've long ago realized I can never cheat. Simply because I wouldn't know where to start.

I've only been glutened two times. Both accidently, when I was trying my best at a restaraunt not to get glutened. I was deathly ill both times. I do not want to revisit those experiences. You better believe I'm going to be more careful in the future. I'm going to follow my gut instinct when in an unfamilair restaraunt, or even when deciding whether to even go to a certain restaraunt or not. If, for instance, my family, or my wifes family, has a big function at a restaraunt, I am not going to risk getting deathly ill unless I have a fairly good feeling about the place before I even step foot in said place.

OK, let's move on to gluten-free baking. So I'll admit gluten-free bread sucks. That's still no excuse for not trying your-ownself. If you've been reading the forum for the last 5 months, you would have noticed that there are some things you, or anyone, can make succesfully. Muffins for one. I highly recommend them. They are very easy to make and you won't be dissapointed. Pancakes, with a little trial and error, can be mastered. If you like panckakes.

Thirdly, don't want to settle for second best? You think I did? I had to make a life saving decision. Did I want to continue to be sick, keep losing weight, have my stomach be in constant turmoil, suffer chronic diarrhea, and continue with the extreme mood swings? Or, follow my doctors words of wisdom? He said "you will feel so much better, that you will want to be on the diet"! I truly believe, without a doubt, he knew what he was talking about.

About the crying. I think you were crying too much before anyway. IMO, you need some Lexapro, or Celexa (Citalopram). You are seriously depressed. Do something different. Get out of your funk. Start drinking. Smoke some dope. Something. Anything.

I don't know how we do this forever. I've yet to accept that myself. But, I manage to make it from one day to the next. Kind of like an alcoholic, without the daily meetings. And, we get to drink. We don't have to check our blood sugar level and give ourself shots before every meal. In fact, we don't have to take any costly medicine or have any operations. Just don't eat any gluten. That's it.

best regards, lm

[aikiducky]

I disagree with the suggestions to take medication... well you would know best yourself but it's necessary to go through the anger if you want to get to the point of acceptance of your new life change. (hightop girl, I think your councelor friend was right on the money) So go ahead and be angry! It's does suck to have to turn your life completely around and change your diet in this dramatic way, and it's ok to be angry about it for a while.

The brain foggy thing, what helped me the most was taking a vitamin B complex. Actually supplementing vitamin B's helped me with feeling less depressed, too. I guess I was deficient in some of them. Some people find they have to take a sublingual one because they won't absorb the vitamins otherwise.

Take one day at a time, you'll get there.

Pauliina

[RiceGuy]

I agree with a number of things which have been said already, like that it's OK to feel angry or sad or whatever. That's just a part of what happens when we enter a paradigm shift. We need to think differently on several levels, and there IS a withdrawal period as the body rids itself of the toxin we call gluten.

But I, like many on this board, will tell you that feeling better for the first time ever tends to dwarf the dietary changes. Notice I didn't say "restrictions"? Personally I think the changes in diet have been liberating. Now I don't just eat pasta and bread every day. I look back and can hardly believe I was eating a pound of pasta and half a loaf of bread every day! Funny how we get addicted to the very things that harm us. There is soooo much more variety in my diet I truly look forward to playing around with all the possibilities. The past few weeks I've been having so much fun trying new recipes for breads, muffins, etc, that I find I don't want to make a whole loaf because I want to try more ideas. If I make a whole loaf, it would take a few days to finish it, and I'd end up with too much stuff to eat if I keep baking. So I make small things like one muffin or one biscuit at a time.

I know this won't help you feel completely better about it all right away. That's something which simply takes time. When I first considered having to go gluten-free, I actually said "there's NO WAY I'm going to give up my favorite foods". Now, I have new favorites, and plenty more of them than before.

Also, though you can certainly make delicious gluten-free muffins, cookies, cakes, pies, biscuits, etc, etc, there are things which you can buy which are gluten-free, and every bit if not better than their gluten-filled counter-parts. Pasta for instance. Pick up a package of Tinkyada pasta for yourself. They have lasagna noodles, spaghetti, elbows, and more. Even though I was VERY picky about my pasta, I find Tinkyada to be BETTER than wheat pasta. The texture is superior IMO, and it doesn't fall apart 5 minutes after it's done if you don't take it out of the water.

So, although the gluten-free diet is forever, your viewpoint of it will change. You'll find a new prospective, especially when you feel so much better. You'll get there!

[JNBunnie1]

About the crying. I think you were crying too much before anyway. IMO, you need some Lexapro, or Celexa (Citalopram). You are seriously depressed. Do something different. Get out of your funk. Start drinking. Smoke some dope. Something. Anything.

I don't know how we do this forever. I've yet to accept that myself. But, I manage to make it from one day to the next. Kind of like an alcoholic, without the daily meetings. And, we get to drink. We don't have to check our blood sugar level and give ourself shots before every meal. In fact, we don't have to take any costly medicine or have any operations. Just don't eat any gluten. That's it.

best regards, lm

Larry, I'm sorry, but I have to seriously question the wisdom of recommending to someone who's clearly dealing with depression that they go smoke some dope. I mean really.

To the original poster: I hope you do come back and read some messages, I hope it wasn't a vent-n-run. My recommendation? Go see a therapist. Please! Get a massage too. That's way more fun than an Oreo.

[ravenwoodglass]

I would stongly advise you to get some sublingual B12, even if you are already taking a good multiple with it in it you are most likely not absorbing it yet.

The advice to perhaps drop soy and dairy for a bit is a good one if you haven't already. Eliminate them one at a time and then add them back in after a couple of months and see if you react. You also need to check everything that goes into or onto your body. Even minute amounts in shampoos and such can keep us reactive. If you are on any meds be sure to check them also, there are no regs to labeling drugs and if you take generic anything those need to be rechecked at every refill as the binders can change without notice.

You do sound seriously depressed, losing interest in everything is a sign of that. If there is anything you can do that is active it will help. I put on music and dance around the house when I get in a real bad funk, or I take a drive. For you a brisk walk or gardening etc. may help. Excercise can get things moving. Force yourself if you have to.

There are a lot of good replacements for gluten foods, it can just take awhile to find the ones you prefer. Gluten Free Pantry makes a great French Bread Mix that has a recipe for pizza dough. Even gluten eaters can't tell the difference. If you can't find it locally you should be able to find it on line and their cake mixes are really good also.

As mentioned there is a grief process for many of us. You really have come to a great place for info and support. Please feel free to ask any question you need to.

[gabby]

There's a good book (non-celiac related) called Bird-by-Bird, written by Anne Lamott, and it deals with the act of getting through tough stuff that you really don't control. Lamott is a writer, a mom, and a person who has had to steer through lots of unexpected and unpleasant stuff in her life. And she writes with humor and grace. I found the book helpful in figuring out how to deal with my own 'stuff'.

Hope that helps!

[emcmaster]

IMO, the newbie anger is normal.

In fact, I've been gluten-free for two years now (on 4/17 !) and I still go through bouts of anger. Mostly anger at people who have other diseases and can cope with them more easily than us celiacs.

It gets better, though. Once you experience truly feeling normal for an extended period of time, the diet becomes worth it and the anger pops up less frequently.

Hang in there

[feelingbetter]

Sandra I can relate to how you are feeling. I have struggled with depression all my life. I am 45 and off gluten for 6 weeks. I would not recommend medication as I was on 12 different kinds in the last 14 years.

I finally went off all meds in Oct./07. I went through the most hellish withdrawal period that you can imagine. I started taking high doses of a pharmaceutical grade vitamins and minerals. The depression is finally gone unless I eat gluten, sugar, corn, soy, tomatoes and a few other additives. I think anyone who is celiac is defficient in vitamins and minerals.

Don't go and see a psychiatrist as they will put you on meds. I was so cognitively destroyed I couldn't remember my son's middle name. Go and see a naturopath and get all of your blood levels checked.

In the mean time embrace being angry, sad, frustrated or whatever. Whatever losses we do not grieve we cannot move onto acceptance.

Good Luck!

[kayavara]

I'm really new here....so I'm learning something new everyday.I was dx only last week ...April 10 '08.My reaction to my Doctor at the time was shock,partly because I knew zero about celiac disease and partly because I had eaten this way all my life....why does it bother me now??

In spite of it all,I don't think I've had an angry moment yet....I'm sure it'll come.I did have several "poor me" moments.I mainly jumped into reading everything I could find about this disease.I had many problems that I now know is linked to celiac disease and depresson was one I was starting to have for the last several months.I lost interest in everything too. I must say I feel more positive and upbeat just knowing that someone has finally nailed my problem after so long.I know that it will be a daily challange and I thank you all here for all your knowledge and support.I hope you can find help for your depression soon.

Kay

[feedmykids]

I too have celiac and my kids unfortunaltly got my celiac and my DH food allergies. Meal time seems like a three ring circus at our house. I mostly get angry or sad when my craving foods are around like pizza or real homemade bread fresh from the oven, When that happens I just have to leave the room. Our family deals with it by not eating things that taste gross and cooking, cooking, and cooking to see what works and what doesn't, it is true that not every gluten-free item tastes good, but we can either change it or try something new. FOr instance we don't like gluten-free yeast bread plain, but it does make good french toast, which is the only way I will eat it. WE can't make a really good flaky pie crust, but we can have a coconut pie crust that is really yummy! Try the gluten-free mixes, you may be surprised at how good some of them really are. It will help fill that void of craving foods you really want.

[WW340]

Going through the anger and depression is pretty normal. However, if this is extreme for you and is lasting very long, you might need to seek help from a professional.

I got really depressed and upset a few months into the diet, but I finally sat down and made a list of the things I felt I was really missing. I then went on a mission to replace those things. I made pizza dough every day 2 - 3 times a day until I finally made one I loved. I have done the same with bread, cakes, cookies, etc. The process of replacement actually became fun rather than frustrating.

I no longer feel deprived, because I can eat the things I really love.

I agree with the suggestion of the B12 replacement. You might look at magnesium, too.

[lovegrov]

Sandraprint,

I'm not sure this will help you any, but let me answer from a different perspective. You wish you were diagnosed with something other than celiac; I was DELIGHTED it was celiac. Why? Because I was essentially dying of malnutrition and every doctor I had was convinced it was either a failing liver or non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Think about dealing with either one of those and it makes you realize there are some things a whole lot WORSE than celiac.

Six years later, I still miss certain foods and I wish I could approach social situations like a "normal" person, but I'm alive.

richard

[Ursa Major]

Sandra, it sounds like your depression could be caused by either other intolerances, or vitamin/mineral deficiencies. You might want to get tested for deficiencies, so you know where to supplement. Vitamin D, ferretin (iron), magnesium, vitamin B12 and B6 come to mind.

I disagree with taking medication. But it might be helpful to see a counselor, to help you through the grief and anger (not a psychiatrist, they love prescribing antidepressants). Sometimes we just need somebody to talk to and to help us out of that pit of depression.

Posting about it and admitting you have a problem is a good first step. I hope you figure out what the problem is, and how to solve it.

[2kids4me]

I feel for you...and in answer to the question - does it last forever:no. The anger should lessen but frustration and feeling loss of what you once had - comes and goes. I agree with other suggestions that you are depressed. I have been depressed and your sentiments are one of a brain that is low on important brain chemicals. Exercise, sunshne and B vitamins can boost your spirits and your brain chemicals.

I have suffered anger and depression - angry that my children will never be "healthy", angry that my own health is not great. Very angry that my daughter has not reached her 16th birthday and has to deal with so much.

One thing that helped me is that we (children included) stopped refering to wheat food as "real" - as in: real pizza, a real donut.. etc

We eat real pizza - its made with a different flour is all. Tapioca flour and potato flour and all the other flours are just as "real". They taste different and you bake iwth them different, that's all.

Shopping for food the first months gluten free were difficult - getting to know what to look for etc -felt like I was thrown into a University class I hadn't wanted, or signed up for!

My first cookies - crumbled, the first bread I made was - well not great! I cried, I was mad.. I didn't want to have to learn all of this..

I kept trying - I read the baking tips from this site, experimented and now - my kids gobble up the wonderful choc chop cookies I make, they wait for the tapioca bread to come out of the oven so they can have a slice..they anticipate pizza night cause they can have pizza..

I knew it was all worth it and it would be okay when we were recently at a church function and there were some gluten goodies laying around...a lady came up to my son and apologized that it wasnt gluten free ...and my son smiled and said " that's okay, my mom makes awesome cookies and cupcakes - they're the BEST. I can just eat when I get home.

You will get there one day too, the cloud of depression affects all aspects of your life. Forgetting things? Getting lost in familar surroundings - hallmarks fo depression!

I realized I needed help when - after months of feeling like you do - I was on my way to the city - and I didn't know where I was on the hiway - I couldnt remember passing or not passing a particular overpass - the road goes from divided hiway to 4 lane undivided....the only way I figured it out was by conciously noting that I was still on divided hiway ..

It isn't a matter of - I have it worse or better than you do ...when I was depressed, I felt like all these sunshine and light people could come live at my house and then see how long their smile lasted.

I went for medical help, also forced myself - literally - to get outside more, to smile when I didnt feel like simling and it did get better. In my case - medication was alifesaver - I not only needed seratonin but also nor-epinephrine.(both are brain chemicals normally produced by the body and replenished during sleep - but if you dont sleep - you run out!))...

There are always times when I struggle with the depression - part of it for me, is that each time things start to go well - my daughter is diagnosed with something else - then I can't sleep, and the cycle begins again.

Be aware of depression and recognizing it as a poor brain depleted after physical illness, emotional stress, and life adjustments...

It is not a character flaw... lean on that husband of 22 years and ask him to walk with you in the sunshine.

[gfpaperdoll]

just a quick post here...

run to Walgreens & get yourself some Nature Made B12, 1,000mcg ones, they are gluten-free. Take 1 after each meal TODAY, then research about the sublingual ones & get those... (I am allergic to mannitol so cannot take them)

YES, get all your blood levels checked right away for all the vitamins & minerals...!!!!

& yes, you are allowed to be angry - go for it!!

just know that a lot of us eat extremely well, there is nothing better than talking food with another person with Gluten Intolerance because we know good food, where to get it & how to cook it!!!

& I totally recommend dairy and soy free!! Get yourself some Sunspire chocolate chips (Whole Foods) & make some fudge or chocolate chip cookies - you cannot tell the difference on chocolate chip cookies.

that is the brand I use, others also use Enjoy Life Chocolate chips.

FIND your local support group & meet a buddy - it makes all the difference in the world. I have even met a couple of on line people - I make a point to meet someone when I travel...

re people chastising others for their post, we all are coming from different places & everyone is entitled to their opinion - I for one thought it was very funny & nearly choked on my lunch laughing!! I embrace diversity & humor!!!!!

[Megra]

Ok it's been since november 17th 2007 since my last Gluten and I am angry. I've been eating mostly whole foods, spices etc. Almost nothing processed. When I do do processed it's just not right. Haven't ventured into the flours yet, just too nervous it won't be amazing. I never settled for second best before, not going to now. So mostly whole foods for me.

I'm angery for the first time in my life. I can trace back my symptoms to celiac to 1976, cronic constipation, perferated bowel in 1979, infertility, hypothyroid, migraines, short statcher, depression (that was IVF induced I'm sure), the list goes on...point is I was never angry at any of that. Now I'm angry. And not even at the doctors for not finding it sooner. Just because it is. I'm angry just because it is Celiac.

I have to ask how do we do it forever? I want an oreo sooooo bad. And think I would kill for a meatball sub. It was one of my last meals and I should have had 2.

I can't cry. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, now nothing. Has been so for about a year or more. I have no care for anything, no feeling, no emotion, no love for anything including my husband of 22 years, my best puppy dog, my worst puppy dog, my father, I've no love anymore. I feel mostly overwhelmed, I'm losing everything important...credit cards, checks, receipts, necklaces rings, my mind, stuff. I just can't seem to grasp orgainzation and I was totally anal before, ultra organized, OCD. Now I don't care about anything. I lose keys, not a care. I lose my sense of being, not a care. I can't keep my train of thought. It's aweful. I can't remember poop. I lose time. and still not a care. has anyone else not been able to cry? I think not crying is hurting me somehow.

I digress.... so how do we do this forever?

I hear ya! Everyone feels the same way,even if they will not admit or rather, give in to it.I want Sourdough Bread! EVERY DAY!

[RiceGuy]

One thing that helped me is that we (children included) stopped refering to wheat food as "real" - as in: real pizza, a real donut.. etc

We eat real pizza - its made with a different flour is all. Tapioca flour and potato flour and all the other flours are just as "real". They taste different and you bake iwth them different, that's all.

Absolutely! It has actually bothered me to see some others on the board referring to gluten-free stuff as "fake", or gluten-filled stuff as "real", to the point where I have to say something. I mean, it's like saying fruit cake can only be made with one kind of fruit, or ice cream has to be chocolate or it's not ice cream. There are even recipes for Open Original Shared Link!

I see posts talking about putting honey or jam or some other sweet stuff on biscuits, and it surprised me at first because I never heard of that. I've always loved biscuits, but not the soft buttermilk ones. Rather, hard crunchy/crispy drop biscuits, on which I'd always put butter or margarine. Onion biscuits are one of my favorite.

So, gluten-free foods are just something western cultures haven't embraced. Millet/sorghum has been used to make breads for thousands of years, and is mentioned in the Bible. Even today it's one of the most important grains on the planet. Actually, millet was also far more popular in America than it is today. Somehow it just got more-or-less forgotten. Now it seems most Americans only see it in animal feed. However, rice is still the most popular grain of all, to the extent that both the USA and Canada grow and export rice. Also interesting, is that China has become the single largest producer of apples, to the point that most apples in America are actually imported from China! After all, they out-produce the US many times over.

The majority of northern France use butter or margarine, while the southern portion uses mostly oil, even on bread. That's quite a contrast to see in a single country.

When I could have tomatoes and dairy, I'd make pizza with broccoli, peas, corn, carrots, and other veggies. That didn't make it any less a pizza than does pineapple, though I have to admit I never tried pineapple on pizza. That just never sounded right to me.

Anyway, the point is that it seems more a question of upbringing. It depends on what you're accustomed to. And unfamiliar territory makes us uncomfortable. We feel out of our element.

[gfp]

Ok it's been since november 17th 2007 since my last Gluten and I am angry. I've been eating mostly whole foods, spices etc. Almost nothing processed. When I do do processed it's just not right. Haven't ventured into the flours yet, just too nervous it won't be amazing. I never settled for second best before, not going to now. So mostly whole foods for me.

I'm angery for the first time in my life. I can trace back my symptoms to celiac to 1976, cronic constipation, perferated bowel in 1979, infertility, hypothyroid, migraines, short statcher, depression (that was IVF induced I'm sure), the list goes on...point is I was never angry at any of that. Now I'm angry. And not even at the doctors for not finding it sooner. Just because it is. I'm angry just because it is Celiac.

I have to ask how do we do it forever? I want an oreo sooooo bad. And think I would kill for a meatball sub. It was one of my last meals and I should have had 2.

I can't cry. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, now nothing. Has been so for about a year or more. I have no care for anything, no feeling, no emotion, no love for anything including my husband of 22 years, my best puppy dog, my worst puppy dog, my father, I've no love anymore. I feel mostly overwhelmed, I'm losing everything important...credit cards, checks, receipts, necklaces rings, my mind, stuff. I just can't seem to grasp orgainzation and I was totally anal before, ultra organized, OCD. Now I don't care about anything. I lose keys, not a care. I lose my sense of being, not a care. I can't keep my train of thought. It's aweful. I can't remember poop. I lose time. and still not a care. has anyone else not been able to cry? I think not crying is hurting me somehow.

I digress.... so how do we do this forever?

Well I can relate to a lot!

I always cooked so for me cooking everything from scratch is no big deal.... being able to just buy a subway is another matter though ...

I'm angry, I wonder if we share reasons ... ?

I'm angry because it took 15 years to diagnose me... and that from seeing my first GI .. who shoved a tube down my throat but didn't go so far as the intestines ..

I have to say ... it really pisses me that I was sick for so long .. and at times worried sick... yet noone ever tested me for celiac disease until my mother got diagnosed... I had even realised wheat messed me up all by myself... (due perhaps to weird circumstances)

Food cravings should go away ... honest .. you might still miss convenience but mostly its OK...

I have to also ask... is the I cannot cry quite literal?

I think not crying is hurting me somehow.

The reason I ask is I really went through a horrible year last year... I managed to get to nearly 40 before ever saying "please just get this year away... next year cannot be so bad whatever happens". I never felt so beat up and used before .. I didn't eat for days on end and dropped down to dangerously low weights and in all that time I couldn't cry... I'm not a big crier, I didn't cry at the drop of a hat but I have from time to time... but ... I just couldn't cry at last year.. and still haven't!

Sometimes I think its good to cry and let things out.... I desperately wanted to just break-down and have a good sob last year...

anyway, just a question based on my own observations of myself and what you have said...

My own personal thoery as to why I didn't cry was because I had to be strong for someone else. My girlfriend (of 5 years) was going through bi-polar depression and what has now been diagnosed as schitzophrenia. I had to deal with her on a daily basis and be supportive when she cried for sometimes days on end.

We hear a good deal about transferrence of depression and codependancy etc. and I feel like all that time being strong just drained the crying right out of me.

I now live in a world sounds quite similar to yours... I can't concentrate or organize. I can't get round to pay things on time or do those 1001 piled up things. I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached...and then don't sleep remembering the huge list...

I wish I could cry... I wish I could forgive the person that hurt me so much... I guess this is where it comes from for me ... but I don't know you...

I think not crying is hurting me somehow.

Getting angry with the person that betrayed me helped... it helped a lot... but what's next?

[AliB]

Oh Sandra, if you're reading these replies, we can all understand your frustration. Any illness is pants and we all want a magic pill, but you know life ain't like that.

I am not only gluten and dairy intolerant but also actually carbohydrate intolerant which also limits my diet somewhat, and on top of that am also, like many others, Diabetic and have to stick a needle in twice a day which is no fun. I went through the gamut of emotions, the anger, the denial, etc., but have learned to generate an uneasy truce with it all. I try to put it in perspective and treat it as an inconvenience rather than anything else. I am limited as to carbs because they affect my blood sugar, but I have been experimenting with recipes. Some have gone in the bin, but quite a few have been successful. It's a bit trial and error to start with but you get used to it and I can turn out cookies and blueberry pancakes, etc., quite easily now which the family enjoys. I prefer to make things as I find a lot of the commercial stuff way too sweet or 'chemical'. There are loads of good recipes around now, and there is a section on the forum for that too.

I am grateful that I now know why I have been sick most of my life. Yes, there is a certain amount of anger there - a bit aimed at the Medical Profession not just for myself but for my Mum who died because Celiac had not been picked up, and some of it aimed at myself as I have always known that they were not Gods' and, despite their arrogance and so-called 'expertise', do not have all the answers (and in many cases really don't know very much at all!), so my anger at me is for not dealing with it earlier before things got so bad, and leaving it till now to find out for myself what was wrong with me.

I have had to really 'psych' myself into realising that whilst having to cut out these foods is difficult, it is also liberating. Because a huge part of the population is either Celiac or very gluten intolerant without knowing it, they are still out there stuffing this 'poison' down their throats, completely oblivious to the fact that it is making them sick.

We live in a very sick world. The genetic meddling about with the food along with the added chemicals (either sprayed on as pesticides, fungicides, herbicides or fertilisers or added after as part of the marketing process) has turned vast amounts of it into extremely toxic stuff and those of us who do not eat it are protecting ourselves from the damage it causes. As has been previously quoted, part of what you are experiencing is deprivation. The gluten acts like an opiate. It is a very addictive drug, and like a lot of addictive drugs it is harmful.

You have to realise just how insidiously and deceptively harmful. It is presented as a feast for the eyes and the palate. But if you were given a pizza and then discovered it was laced with arsenic, would you still eat it, despite how enticing it was? Being Celiac/GI is a challenge. If we lived in Japan we would eat different food to what we are used to. If we lived in Borneo we would eat differently again. If we lived on a tropical island we would eat differently (boy do I wish I lived on a tropical island where no one had ever heard of a cookie, or other gluten-based food - you can't miss what you've never had!). We live on the island of Gluten-Free. That's all.

I'm fortunate in some ways - I've never liked pizza! But I do like fresh bread. I haven't had any for 3 months and I am getting used to not having it, and just completely avoid the bakery departments! Mind you, we went to an open museum with old buildings today and one was a bakery - I'm not sure if it was co-incidence but everyone who bought bread seemed to be walking past me and the smell was intoxicating!!!)

The craving can take a while to go. The withdrawal can take a while to stop. The healing can take a while to happen. But it does. After going gluten-free, often other problems will manifest, simply because they have been masked by the gluten reactions, so the way you are feeling is not unusual. Try and get some good supplements, plenty of rest and sleep, and if you don't want drugs, perhaps try something like St John's Wort which is good for helping depression (my daughter is doing well on those).

Most importantly you are in a good place here for support and understanding. So many here have been through what you are experiencing, and it is somewhere you can vent, and question and eventually give support yourself, to others.

[home-based-mom]

Some random thoughts while you recover: taking care of your health is NOT settling for second-best. It is putting yourself and your health first.

Drugs and alcohol solve nothing. Don't go there.

Do get tested for vitamin and mineral deficiencies. It's amazing what a difference that can make.

Go outside and take a walk every day. Feel the sun on your face, the wind in your hair, the grass or sand under your feet. It's good to be alive.

Start a list of things to be grateful for. Add at least one new and different thing every day. Start out with big things like "I live in _________ and not Somalia (or wherever) and that means I have enough to eat and do not have to watch my children die in front of me from starvation and disease. Move on to things like did you take that walk? Could you walk? Not everyone can. Write it down. Could you see where you were going? Not everyone can. Write it down. Could you hear birds or dogs or traffic? Not everyone can. Write it down. Do you have all 4 limbs and do they work? Not everyone does. Write it down. Do you have a home? Not everyone does. Write it down. Are you loved? Not everyone is. Write it down. Could you pay your bills this month? Not everyone could. Write it down.

Etc.

The things you will come up with will astound you.

After a while, be it days or weeks or months, you will begin to see that in the overall scheme of things, an Oreo cookie and a meatball sandwich just are not that important.

Focus on others ~ it helps you forget about yourself.

PS: After 2