Too Funny Not To Post

[VegasCeliacBuckeye]

Caution: This is a joke email that makes light of pooping. If you are offended at poo-poo jokes, please exit out and resume lurking...

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

LOL !!! I am still laughing out loud at work at these. I think my co-workers know I am officially bananas...

Celiacs can see the humor in this list...

[gfp]

LOL .... made me laugh anyway

[ReneCox]

omg so true so true!!!

[jerseyangel]

Those last few, especially, are making me laugh so hard I have tears running down my face!

[VegasCeliacBuckeye]

The turd burglar or the Watermelon are my favorites...

ROTFLMAO!

[DingoGirl]

oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd Excellent scatalogical humour.

I keep a book of matches in my stash at work - - just in case - - - everyone knows if there's a burning match smell, to stay away......

[jerseyangel]

I lost it on Havana Omelet

[Nancym]

I've always been amused at how uptight people are a pooping at work. I guess you could say I'm totally out of the closet.

Anyway, I have a funny story about my Mom and her friend Fern. They were elderly, in their 70's I guess when Fern came to visit Mom. They were childhood best friends and the cutest pair of little old ladies you ever saw. Anyway, they went shopping together and made a trip to the restroom. Apparently Fern thought they were in the restroom alone, I guess they were in the stalls, and she heard my Mom let out a terrible fart which reverberated around the restroom. (My Mom is well known for her incredibly loud gas... probably gluten sensitive!) Anyway, Fern, thinking they were alone said "Good one, Polly!" and laughed. My Mom replied, from her stall, "That wasn't me, Fern". Apparently they weren't alone after all.

[DingoGirl]

Nancy.......that was FANTASTIC.......thanks for sharing!!

[Judyin Philly]

NANCY THANKS FOR THE ''''LOUD OUT LOUD LAUGH

SUSIE Q THANKS FOR SENDING THIS JOKE TO ME TOO.

IT WAS A RIOT..JUST WHAT I NEEDED BEFORE I HEADED OFF TO BED.

J

[VegasCeliacBuckeye]

I've always been amused at how uptight people are a pooping at work. I guess you could say I'm totally out of the closet.

Anyway, I have a funny story about my Mom and her friend Fern. They were elderly, in their 70's I guess when Fern came to visit Mom. They were childhood best friends and the cutest pair of little old ladies you ever saw. Anyway, they went shopping together and made a trip to the restroom. Apparently Fern thought they were in the restroom alone, I guess they were in the stalls, and she heard my Mom let out a terrible fart which reverberated around the restroom. (My Mom is well known for her incredibly loud gas... probably gluten sensitive!) Anyway, Fern, thinking they were alone said "Good one, Polly!" and laughed. My Mom replied, from her stall, "That wasn't me, Fern". Apparently they weren't alone after all.

I believe that would qualify as a "escapee"

[TinkerbellSwt]

I have tears pouring out of my eyes!!! ....

[TinkerbellSwt]

I have tears pouring out of my eyes!!! ....

[CarlaB]

Nancy, the same thing happened with my sisters and I when we were young. We all three went to the ladies room at my grandparents country club. A lady walked in right behind us and my youngest sister didn't see her. We all went into the stalls at the same time, and someone had quite an escapee. My youngest sister said, "Who did that?!" My other sister and I were mortified because we knew it was the other lady, so we waited in the stalls until she left!

We had a friend over who was an out of the closet pooper. He stood up and asked if we had a magazine he could take into the bathroom with him!

[StrongerToday]

This is just the best!! Thank you for posting!!

[blueeyedmanda]

OMG we were just talking about someone who stunk out our bathroom.....So this is making me laugh even more.

[jerseyangel]

When I first my husband, his parents had a magazine rack on their bathroom wall! I guess they were ahead of their time

[Lisa]

When I first my husband, his parents had a magazine rack on their bathroom wall! I guess they were ahead of their time

That would be me Really, bet not one amounst us doesn't have magazines in the bathroom.

[jerseyangel]

That would be me Really, bet not one amounst us doesn't have magazines in the bathroom.

I agree about the magazines--we have those too.

But a rack? Maybe it's just me

I guess it better than piling them up on the toilet tank

The things we talk about here.....

[blueeyedmanda]

I have books and magazines...I was always a reader...

[elye]

What a hysterical thread...

I am always perplexed when I am in someone's bathroom and I see lots of magazines stacked in there, or when I hear about people reading while sitting there. It is one of the most uncomfortable seats around...why would anyone want to stay sitting in there, above a rising smell, on a hard seat? I just want to go and get the #!!@**! outta there. Again,

[Debbie65]

Too funny, can subscribe to all of the above but can only admit to you guys and hubby. still have to hold it in and sneak around at work.

[debmidge]

I'd like to add the "EVERY OTHER RULE" - meaning that if stall #1 is taken and stall #2-5 is open, then the "newcomer" into the bathroom should take stall Nos. 3-5 as a courtesy to person in #1.

This would apply also if say #1 and #2 are occupied, #3 is empty then take #4. It's a way of perserving your and the other person's "space."

Years ago I was in a ladies room in a restaurant and the stalls did not have doors -- thankfully the room was empty and I went really quickly -- couldn't wait to get out of there.

Also, about 35 years ago I've broken and entered to use a bathroom (not to poop though) -- it was at a gas station which was closed (years ago gas stations used to be closed on Sundays). I was a teenager and away from home...a group of us went swimming up at a lake and I was the only chick and didn't want to "go" in the woods...I climbed into the restroom through the window, did my business, kept the place like I never entered it and slipped out thru the window and shut the window.

[DingoGirl]

I am always perplexed when I am in someone's bathroom and I see lots of magazines stacked in there, or when I hear about people reading while sitting there. It is one of the most uncomfortable seats around...why would anyone want to stay sitting in there, above a rising smell, on a hard seat? I just want to go and get the #!!@**! outta there. Again,

I KNOW! I don't get it either BUT....also, I don't normally struggle with constipation and I am a slippery slider, and am in and out and finished with my business (unless there's been a glutening) in about 10 to 30 seconds. No time for reading!

Not that many people in my life will let me discuss this so openly. It's so......FREEING!

[pnltbox27]

man it is so nice to know im not the only one who can find humor in an uncomfortable situation.im 37 years old and still laugh at a good fart.