Friend In Denial

[domesticactivist]

I have a very close friend who knows all about celiac (her mom has it) and who has health problems and believes it is gluten (she did atkins before and felt her best ever) but still insists on baking bread all the time. She also has a son with ADHD issues who has some weird gi stuff, and a tween daughter who has always had an extreme skin rash all over her arms, legs, and face.

The daughter wants to go gluten free but my friend says no way. She's seen another friend and her daughter cure similar symptoms with gaps and maintain gluten free, and has seen my son's improvement gluten free. I don't like seeing her choose this for herself, but she can make her own decisions. But I especially don't like seeing her denial applied to her daughter, who would love to get tested and try the diet if it might bring her some relief and help her avoid future complications.

We've talked about her choice but I haven't brought up her daughter. They even have good insurance and could get any and all testing paid for easily. The prob is, she knows the problem and doesn't want proof. I'm afraid really taking any kind of stand would irreparably damage our friendship. We've been close for many years, her kids are my kids' best friends, she is my camp fire coleader, we are both homeschoolers, we have lots of mutual friends, and she lives only 5 minutes away. This is not a friendship I want to give up.

I've thought about offering her daughter an extended visit at our place (i bet she could trade off with our other friend) where she can go gluten free and learn to cook for herself but she'd still get cc when she got home, and her mom might have to shop/store food differently. She could store her own pots and dishes and food in her room to help with that, though. She could still do her normal activities and get family time at home. One prob with this would be the lack of testing.

How would you approach this situation? Do you think this idea could be broached in a way that would not damage the friendship or come across as an attack on her parenting?

[LDJofDenver]

Boy that's a tough situation. Perhaps an educational approach? Maybe you could get online and find some info about the damage done when celiac disease goes untreated, and print some articles out to share.

It would be great if the children could be diagnosed young, if they have it. Think of the years and decades of damage they could be spared. T

The irony here is that I know of families where every one in the house has gone gluten free, just so they won't run the risk of cross contaminating the two family members that have celiac disease.

[domesticactivist]

Yeah. The thing is she already knows all about it. Maybe it's just going to take a while. I wish their dr would decide the girl needs testing! Our family is one of those who have gone totally gluten-free for one member. Actually, my ex has, too, so that's 2 households for 1 kid. We've got a different set of priorities on some things, I guess.

[Takala]

Hmm. Many people with celiac or gluten intolerance bake all the time, too. Just with none gluten ingredients. In fact, there may be a higher percentage of home bakers in the "gluten free lifestyle" than the normal population. There are many, many blogs with gluten free baking and cooking discussions.

One of the symptoms of gluten intolerance is being addicted to gluten, or at least finding excuses to keep eating it even when it's rather obvious it's causing problems.

This situation is also complicated by the fact that the testing is not always conclusive, and there can be false negatives on those blood tests, which then seem to give the person permission to continue consuming gluten. Or even worse, the doctor tells the patient it's not celiac, it's not gluten intolerant, their home version of a diet trial didn't mean anything, and they can continue to eat it.

The one person you have not mentioned is the dad in all of this, assuming there is one around, what is his attitude towards gluten free and is he contributing to the general attitude of non interest or even hostility ? I am guessing that this family socializes an awful lot in gluten bearing situations and just doesn't want to appear "different," and may not want to admit that is part of the dynamic, even.

[domesticactivist]

Thanks. She does know about gluten-free baking but has spent years perfecting wheat breads. The dad is even worse about food... She'll make a feast from scratch and he'll run to taco bell. Despite health problems, he even still smokes (the wife quit!) I love so many things about them but this is a huge blind spot. I think any kind of change is highly threatening for some reason.