This is intended to show the lighter side of my experience with having a colonoscopy. Please bear in mind it was NOT funny as I was going through it, but in retrospect, it's hilarious to me. I hope you find amusement in it as well.
First of all, let me say that I was terrified - TERRIFIED - of having this done.
Other than a skull fracture when I was 4yo and having a baby, I've never been hospitalized or had any type of procedure done for anything. So I was freaked out about the prep. I was freaked out about the anesthesia, and I was freaked out about the procedure itself. And now I feel a little stupid.
In preparation for this, Sunday's diet consisted of coffee, water, Sprite, apple jello and chicken broth. Oh, and somewhere in there was a lemon flavored italian ice thingy. Mmmmmm.........good. [sarcasm]
The hubby and the kid had Long John Silvers for dinner and ate it in front of me. Now I'm no huge fan of the greasy-everything-tastes-like-fish food there, but I never wanted that greasy-everything-tastes-like-fish food so bad in my life. I was STARVING.
Then came MoviPrep.
Whoever posted that "Funny Rendition of a Colonoscopy" on the boards here - that guy that wrote it had it exactly right.
When I picked up this prescription from the pharmacy, I didn't exactly think microwave oven, but 'chinese takeout for a family of three' sure did cross my mind, and not because I was hungry.
I mix up my first dose of MoviPrep. You never realize how much liquid 1 liter really is until you have to down the whole thing in an hours time. I thought I was going to float away.
And no sooner did I finish the last swig of that first liter of swill, I was running - RUNNING - for the bathroom.
And I didn't come out of there for more than ten minutes at a time until well after midnight.
The reference to 'rocket launcher' in the above story is absolutely correct.
I somehow managed to finish the second liter of MoviPrep, but still couldn't come out of the bathroom for more than 10 minutes or so at a time. (Incidentally, I discovered that MoviPrep used to have another name - GoLightly. Someone decided that was a terribly inaccurate name for it and changed it.)
I'm exhausted and want to sleep. But I'm scared to. There was so little warning of needing to visit the bathroom, I was terrified of falling asleep in my own bed. I was sure if I went to sleep, I wouldn't wake up until it was too late.
(I even had some concerns that I might have a problem in the operating room while I was knocked out, and envisioned my doctor in a big biohazard suit - my family got a giggle out of that when I shared that with them).
So I lay there, watching TV until around 2am, and decide if I have any hope of getting up in the morning on time that I better go lights out. With only one more visit to the bathroom at around 3am, I somehow made it through the night, and even got a little bit of sleep.
Night. Ha. I was up at 5:15 to get ready to go to the hospital. That wasn't even a nap for me.
So.........I get all checked in for the procedure and go in to prep. I put on the stupid gown that allows easy access to your backside and settled onto the gurney. I was given a heated blanket (a nice touch, since it was COLD in there) and a lovely pair of no-slip socks (mint green colored, in case you're wondering) and jabbed with an IV (back of my hand - OUCH). Oops! Almost forgot about the lovely hair cap! I was stylin'.
I get wheeled into the operating room and see the gigantic monitor (couldn't see what it was displaying really, as I had to leave my glasses behind and I'm fairly blind without them) and thought "That's almost the size of my living room TV - why do they need to see my innards THAT big?"
The doctor announces he's ready, and a nurse says to me "You're going to start feeling like you've had one too many margaritas" to which I replied "I already feel like that......" And I was down for the count.
Don't remember a THING until I woke up in recovery, and even some of those details are sketchy.
After waking up, I am told that everything looks fine, except that I have internal hemorrhoids (gee, wonder why that is? MoviPrep maybe??? Constipation? Diarrhea?) and that the doc took a couple of biopsies to have them checked for microcolitis.
They presented me with some after care instructions and some lovely full color pictures of my intestines and colon. Jackpot! I think I'll have these framed! Or maybe I'll put them in a scrap book.
I came home, ate some breakfast (NO, not Long John Silvers, silly) and laid down to watch TV. I guess the anesthesia hadn't completely worn off, as I fell asleep while trying to find something to watch (or at least that's what I'm told). I woke up about five hours later because no one was answering the stupid phone. If the phone hadn't rung, I might've slept all day and all night.
Around 5pm, I started having gas, bloating and abdominal cramping (and something that might be what an ice pick in your gut feels like, where I presume they took the biopsies from). It got so bad, I had trouble walking, and even trouble sleeping through the night.
Today I feel pretty decent. Minor bloating and cramping, but also some major D - a side effect of the MoviPrep (aspartame is NOT my friend - I'll probably be like this the rest of the week).
So, it's time for more waiting. Still no stool sample results yet, and should have pathology report early next week.
The cruddy thing about this? I never actually got margaritas.