I left off my last blog entry about to see my GP for my ongoing lethargy issues. My iron stores are now in the normal range (yay!) and my fasting blood glucose is 5.4. She left me with the advice to allow time to heal things and that there is nothing she can find that is wrong with me.
Resting my entire weekend, every weekend, away is not what I call living. I am literally living to work, eat and sleep. I am finding it very difficult to reconcile this being my life for the immediate future. I am not fond of sitting at home, feeling too energyless to do the things I love. But I shall heed advice from all and give myself until September to see how things progress.
My goals for this year were to go with my eldest to China and North Korea, do a double body weight deadlift, get cycling again, finally do an engine rebuild and complete more Cummins training. Looks like I have to reassess my goals. My boss will not put me on week long jobs until he feels I will see them out; meaning my health stabilises.
So, what to do? I had wanted to learn bass guitar, do singing lessons, maybe try yoga again and go to Singapore alone. These might be more feasible. But I need to start with small outings with my boys. It has been so long since we have gone out as a family.
A big part of this year will be dealing with my emotions, especially my negative ones. I had slowly slumped into a habit of seeing the world through jaded and pained eyes. My bubbly disposition has well and truly died and I have an abundance of grief to deal with.
Life, as I envisioned at 20, has NOT eventuated. Not a thing went to plan. Road blocks along every single year. So many detours have been taken that I no longer know where I am, or where to head. The thing I find hardest is that the very simple things I love - my morning coffee, my weight lifting, my joy of travel - have gone. I had shaved my desires of life to three things, but even they have to be set aside.
I am left back at a new beginning. I have moved countries three times, had my entire belongings thrown out or left behind at least four times... I am tired of this. The upheval, the buying it all again, the replanning.
What do I hope for? A place to call my own until I die, a garden I can grow organic veg and herbs in, a chance to see how far I can take weight lifting, a trip to Israel-Greece-India-Japan without being glutened and be considered a capable, reliable mechanic.
I am scared to try to plan for all this. I have lost faith I can achieve my goals. Let me see how this year pans out health wise.