My First Trip To The Mil's Since Diagnosis

[SnoBaby]

I am so sad right now, and disappointed.

I have known my husband's family for sixteen years. And, although his mother can "have her moments" of being snippy, I have always gotten along very well with her. We visit once a year (sometimes twice). We stay at their house b/c they live out of state and would never want us to stay in a hotel.

I try so hard to be respectful of her space by going around making sure the kids' things are picked up, offering to help her in the kitchen when she's preparing meals, helping to clean up afterwards. We have always generally gotten along, until this trip. Here's what happened...

So, I learned of my Celiac diagnosis just after we saw them last (at Christmas). And, although my husband is very understanding about the diagnosis and my serious need to be gluten-free, he never told his parents about it before we came to visit. It just didn't occur to him. And, honestly, I wasn't going to expect her to alter her entire meal preparations for me, so I had planned on buying my gluten-free foods when we arrived.

Well, she wasn't happy about the whole situation, to say the least. Just a few of the comments she made during the visit...

"I don't know where you're going to put all of that. I don't have much room in the fridge."

"You're not going to be able to pack all of that to take home with you."

"You need to find somewhere for your bags of stuff."

And, the worst one, after a week of biting my lip, taking a walk so I could cry alone... "You'd better stop eating all that crap. Just because it says gluten free doesn't mean you should eat it. You're going to gain all that weight back that you lost, and then you'll be pissed." I just thank God she saved that one for the day we were leaving. I couldn't take any more. (I had spent the entire weak eating pretty healthy stuff. I had allowed myself a couple of exceptions b/c we were on vacation, but it's not like I was gorging myself on a pile of gluten-free processed crap.)

Now, I understand that she was thrown off track by the fact that we didn't prepare her before our arrival that something major had changed. That might excuse her feeling frustrated or inconvenienced, since she probably planned for and purchased food based on the old way. But, that doesn't excuse her verbal abuse.

I am so hurt. I would NEVER choose to be in the presence of someone who verbally abuses me the way she did. NEVER. My husband is not like that at all. If anything he is very passive and non-confrontational (perhaps as a result of having to tune out her comments all during his upbringing).

After that trip I let him know that I understand that is "the way she is," and I cannot control her behavior. She's a grown woman. But, I can control my behavior, and I will never again put myself in that position. I will not stay in her house or rely on her for food, space, whatever.

How do I deal with this woman? Right now, I just don't ever want to talk to or see her again, which I know is unrealistic. I've thought about writing her a letter, but her sister did once and she talked to the whole family about how stupid it was. I'm sure her sister would have loved to know what was being said about the effort to reach out and address a problem the two of them were having in their communication.

I would appreciate any suggestions, thoughts, comments.

[GlutenFreeManna]

Well, she wasn't happy about the whole situation, to say the least. Just a few of the comments she made during the visit...

"I don't know where you're going to put all of that. I don't have much room in the fridge."

"You're not going to be able to pack all of that to take home with you."

"You need to find somewhere for your bags of stuff."

And, the worst one, after a week of biting my lip, taking a walk so I could cry alone... "You'd better stop eating all that crap. Just because it says gluten free doesn't mean you should eat it. You're going to gain all that weight back that you lost, and then you'll be pissed." I just thank God she saved that one for the day we were leaving. I couldn't take any more. (I had spent the entire weak eating pretty healthy stuff. I had allowed myself a couple of exceptions b/c we were on vacation, but it's not like I was gorging myself on a pile of gluten-free processed crap.)

I would appreciate any suggestions, thoughts, comments.

Okay, I don't know your MIL or the tone of voice with which these were said but with the exception of the last comment about gaining weight I think these were harmless remarks. The last one was out of line and rude for sure but I do think perhaps you were a little sensitive because you have not had to deal with it before. People on this board have had much worse said to them such as "just a little won't hurt you" and other comments about how we should just eat it since we are on vacation or since they made it just for us. It is possible that she was hurt because she had planned meals and she thought you were just doing some fad diet. Did you explain while there WHY you need to eat gluten-free? I do feel for you though and understand why you don't want to go back. I have not been able to visit my in-laws because my MIL implied to my husband (her son) that she would make something that was "mostly" gluten-free and give it to me to see if I really needed to eat gluten-free. If/when we do visit I won't trust anything she tries to give me and will stay in a hotel so I have control of my food/environment.

[Harpgirl]

First of all, let me say THANK YOU! You've brought up some points that I hadn't thought of and I'm going to visit my in-laws next month (without my husband). Fortunately, my MIL is a nurse, so she may be a bit more understanding, but I don't think she's all that familiar with celiac so after reading this I realize I still need to prepare her and my FIL for that matter.

As for how to deal with your MIL, first off, I wouldn't address the issue right away. Once tempers settle, you both will be able to see things more rationally (though you seem to have a rational handle on it already ). But still if your worked up in anyway, she'll probably pick up on it and become defensive and block you off.

When you're both calm, I still wouldn't say much. Find some literature for her to read about celiac. Something very simple without too much jargon (Anyone know of Celiac lit for children that wouldn't insult her intelligence?). Just let her know that it would make you (and her son) feel better if she would take a look at it. That may open the door for a more calm conversation.

She probably reacted that way because she was scared of a sickness that she knew nothing about. I'm always scared when I don't understand what's going on with my health and it feels better to be informed.

I hope that helps!

[SnoBaby]

When compared to your MIL, who was willing to put some gluten in your food as a "test," you're right. Mine wasn't as bad. She did seem to completely understand the medical need for me to be off gluten. I think she really doesn't handle change well. And, it was a complete disruption to her routine for us to show up having changed our diet and not being able to eat the food she'd planned to prepare for us. She even expressed that she would have made the gluten free meals if she'd known before we arrived. So, I know she was completely thrown off.

I know the statements, in black and white, really don't look that bad. They're just statements. But, I grew up in the South, and I have come to appreciate something called Southern Hospitality. If someone came to my house with a few extra things, I would never tell her, "I don't know where you're going to put that," I'd smile and freakin' find a place to put the stuff. But, that's not how she operates, and I know this. So, I guess I'm expecting a behavior from her that she is not inclined to demonstrate.

I'll get over it. Just, right now, I'm hurt. And, most of all by that last comment which really was hurtful. Had the trip ended before that comment was made, I'd have a much easier time of shrugging this off as her being flustered by such a change in plans. That last comment though was just mean and unecessary.

[Skylark]

I sounds like she was mostly being self-centered and you have had a reasonable relationship in the past. Perhaps it was a little too much invasion into her home, especially when she was not prepared. The comment that got you upset would have upset me too. I tend to take those head-on. "That really upset me. I'm not eating much junk food and this gluten-free diet is really hard." Often with a family member it's not that they meant to be abusive or mean-spirited, but that they didn't phrase things particularly well. (Mom does that all the time.)

I would try to forgive her for the sake of the marriage and negotiate the next visit very carefully. I would tell them that I'm getting a hotel for the next visit. It will "rock the boat" so to speak, but there is no reason to put yourself into an abusive situation 24/7. It also will force the issue, because they will ask why you don't want to stay. Then you have a chance to explain that you were upset and uncomfortable the last time you visited. I would make the decision about the hotel room based on how the conversation goes.

I'd recommend you DO write the letter. Burn it or shred it rather than sending it once you're done. I always feel much better when I actually sit down and write the angry letter. As you know, you can't sort this situation out by mail.

[YoloGx]

All I can add from hard experience is that some people get it and are supportive and others really just don't in great part because it is too inconvenient for them to deal with. They think its a fad. They think we are neurotic.

They may even be health professionals--many of whom are in denial about the effects of diet on health, not to speak of something like celiac and severe gluten intolerance. Some people will actually love you but not be able to make the transition. It is too much of a paradigm shift. If they accept you could have this condition, then what does that imply about their own health? So they reject it.

The main deal is to become aware and supportive of your own needs. Surround yourself with those who do accept your condition as real. Avoid the others at least in this respect of not eating with t hem or at least bringing your own food without making a big deal of it. If you have to visit your MIL next time, rent a place with a kitchenette so you can make your own food. Do other non food activities perhaps--like go to a play or a music event, go fishing or attend the circus. If you feel particularly brave, prepare a picnic where only you make the food. Or perhaps go out to eat together if they have a restaurant with a safe gluten free menu (be certain to mention your condition to the cook and wait people). Wash your hands before eating after shaking gluteny hands etc.If possible avoid events like Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthdays. Visit them at more food neutral times of the year.

As far as your MIL goes on accepting the parameters of your new reality, give her time. Its not an overnight realization. I remember when I first learned of the lengths we have to go to to stay gluten free, I could hardly believe it. But I was willing to try it out, however. And then boy did I learn the reality of it big time.

After that I became kind of pushy about it with my family, you know, really obsessive since being strictly gluten free was solving so many of my health issues and I could see how it could also help them. I was living right there taking care of my mother who had a history of gluten intolerance as a child which she thought she had overcome, so I pushed forward with The Answer. However my family resisted my efforts and ended up demonizing me and making me the object of bitter ridicule. It would have been far better for me to take a low key, more humble approach--which of course would have been way easier if I hadn't been in the position of living there taking care of my mom at the time... At least everyone accepted that my brother with down's syndrome improved on the diet, though he too gladly eats wheat cakes and bread if given a chance even though it gives him major D, congestion and terrible skin etc.

In Europe this condition is better known and accepted, and has been for the past 60 years. But here this knowledge is very new. Its kind of like being against Mom and Apple Pie... Its implications really do affect the social sphere in ways we just aren't used to as a culture since food is a huge part of how we socialize--and currently we just don't have enough doctors, nurses and restaurants clued in to our condition, although the good news is that it is slowly getting better known all the time..

[Marilyn R]

When compared to your MIL, who was willing to put some gluten in your food as a "test," you're right. Mine wasn't as bad. She did seem to completely understand the medical need for me to be off gluten. I think she really doesn't handle change well. And, it was a complete disruption to her routine for us to show up having changed our diet and not being able to eat the food she'd planned to prepare for us. She even expressed that she would have made the gluten free meals if she'd known before we arrived. So, I know she was completely thrown off.

I know the statements, in black and white, really don't look that bad. They're just statements. But, I grew up in the South, and I have come to appreciate something called Southern Hospitality. If someone came to my house with a few extra things, I would never tell her, "I don't know where you're going to put that," I'd smile and freakin' find a place to put the stuff. But, that's not how she operates, and I know this. So, I guess I'm expecting a behavior from her that she is not inclined to demonstrate.

I'll get over it. Just, right now, I'm hurt. And, most of all by that last comment which really was hurtful. Had the trip ended before that comment was made, I'd have a much easier time of shrugging this off as her being flustered by such a change in plans. That last comment though was just mean and unecessary.

I think all of her comments were mean and ungracious. As for dealing with her in the future, would your husband agree to do one of the semi-annual trips without you? You could use that alone time. It's wonderful...go get a pedicure, read a book while you take a nice soak in the tub, visit a museum or park that he wouldn't be interested in, lay in the sun. Or clean out a closet, deep clean the refrigerator, visit the library.

Your MIL sounds like she likes to be in control. I agree with the good suggestions about sending her Celiac information (along with a thank you note, which will be tough to write, but you can pull it off).

So your excuse for not going on your next trip could be that you got glutened! Or that you're just not up for traveling. Aren't you glad she doesn't live closer?

Good luck!

[mamabear272]

I know that you're hurt but look at it from her point of view. She was kind of blind sided by the change in your diet. Your hubby probably should have let her know before you arrived. She wasn't given any warning that she would have to prepare things differently or that you couldn't have certain foods.

I do agree that the weight comment was uncalled for. My mom tends to say insensitive things to me too so I get it. I would have been hurt too.

[srall]

I agree that your MIL should have been warned even if you were planning on supplying your own food. I've been at this for over a year now and bless my friends' hearts...eating with them is still such a big deal even though I beg them to please just let me prepare and bring my own food they still try and make sure everything prepared is safe for me. This is because they are awesome, but I honestly just want to prepare my own food. Mostly because it's safest for me, but it's a drag for them too. I think food is such an extension of ourselves, and a way to show love, or provide comfort that it's hard on the giver when it's rejected.

Also it's such a huge paradigm shift for people to understand that the messages about food that have been pounded into our heads since 1st grade (or younger), re: servings of bread, dairy, etc are absolutely false for a good number of the population. It takes a lot of deprogramming, even for people who are living with the results. Especially because you have a diagnosis, I would reach out to your MIL and see if you can gently educate her about Celiac and its effects. Hopefully the next visit goes smoother. I have learned to just downplay everything as much as possible and just make events not about the food. Good luck!

[SarahJimMarcy]

I'm glad you brought this up, as I have a family reunion coming and I am sure, collectively, they will choose to ignore the fact that we've gone gluten free. So, what then? We have separate meals all week?

I know that my Mom acts concerned, but it is basically something she doesn't want to hassle with. For example, she tried to give my husband some Italian bread and he said he couldn't because we're gluten free. The response? "Well, Italians have been eating bread for hundreds of years and they're healthy."

I hope your mother in law was just being insensitive and not hurtful. It's one thing to just not know better; it's another to go out of the way to hurt someone.

[kareng]

Honestly, I think you are mad at the wrong person! It's your husbands mother, not yours. He should have told her before you came about food issues. He should be the one to talk to her well before the next visit about what you want to do about food. I think she was blindsided and probably a bit hurt that she wasn't told about your illness.

You should not expect her to cook gluten-free for you or understand the complexities of cc. Just have a plan that your husband can explain weeks or months before you visit. He should probably call her and apologize . She made a lot of plans, probably put a lot of thought into food for her guests. Then was told you wouldn't eat it. For some of us of a certain age, planning the food is a big deal & a way to show love.

[RL2011]

In this type of situation... The way to be happy in life is to be strong mentally and demand respect in a nice way from all you interact with, including family. If you let people walk over you then change your name to Matt as in door mat.

While you cannot expect others to accommodate your needs if they differ from their own, however, you should expect that they respect you. Most people don't know how to speak their mind properly about things that bother them without getting emotionally heated up. Learn how to demand respect without causing a fight. Speaking your mind properly is in no way disrespectful.

I just don't like to see anyone feeling bad because of stupid behavior from someone else.

[sreese68]

Honestly, I think you are mad at the wrong person! It's your husbands mother, not yours. He should have told her before you came about food issues. He should be the one to talk to her well before the next visit about what you want to do about food. I think she was blindsided and probably a bit hurt that she wasn't told about your illness.

You should not expect her to cook gluten-free for you or understand the complexities of cc. Just have a plan that your husband can explain weeks or months before you visit. He should probably call her and apologize . She made a lot of plans, probably put a lot of thought into food for her guests. Then was told you wouldn't eat it. For some of us of a certain age, planning the food is a big deal & a way to show love.

I agree with all of the above. Especially since I tend to be in the "doesn't handle change well" category, I can understand your MIL's frustration. However, I don't agree with how she handled the situation.

I do think your husband should try to mend the fence, and I'd give her a second chance on the next visit. Maybe with time, she'll adjust better? (Unless she has a prior history of being difficult. Then that's another story

[notme]

screw that. i wouldn't go back. you are only ONE person. what you eat is your business and if it's that big of a deal to FIND ROOM IN THE FRIDGE - seriously????? i have yet to make my in-laws even *understand* what this diet involves. last time they came to visit they wanted to take everyone out to eat. ok, so they watch me order my food (burger, no bun, the manager makes a special batch of coleslaw just for me, blah, blah, blah) from my daughter who is our waitress which is the only way i was going out to eat - and my mil gets cupcakes and plops one on my plate. WHAT. THE. FRENCH? TOAST? i was finished eating, anyway. but, damb, she had known about my dx for 6 months and she couldn't make the effort to even research it. i cannot believe she is that stupid.... so, if she doesn't care, then i don't care right back. we see them on day trips only and i bring my own food. i would never ever stay at their house. i'm sorry if this is an unpopular opinion but it's hard enough to eat right without somebody's ignorant attitude. you poor thing

[YoloGx]

No matter what, I think this topic struck a chord, eh folks??

Ignorance is bliss, but for us we can't be ignorant.

The advice to not be a doormat as well as the advice to not cause WWIII and gently and gradually start to educate your MIL are both wise. The thing is to learn to not take it to heart when others are ignorant and close minded; meanwhile do take care of yourself.

It also sounds apropos to get your hubbie to intervene with the apologies etc.--but from what you said, is that likely?? There is nothing like trying however. It could be one of those "growth opportunities."

And meanwhile the idea of having a separate vacation to yourself seems appealing at least occasionally. But probably not on major holidays. That is for you and yours I would think. If MIL doesn't see her son for a while at those kinds of events due to her bad behavior, maybe eventually she'll get the point.

With me at this late date, I don't even attempt to socialize with my biological family around food. Instead I have my true alternate family: my bf and my friends.

[GlutenFreeManna]

When compared to your MIL, who was willing to put some gluten in your food as a "test," you're right. Mine wasn't as bad. She did seem to completely understand the medical need for me to be off gluten. I think she really doesn't handle change well. And, it was a complete disruption to her routine for us to show up having changed our diet and not being able to eat the food she'd planned to prepare for us. She even expressed that she would have made the gluten free meals if she'd known before we arrived. So, I know she was completely thrown off.

I know the statements, in black and white, really don't look that bad. They're just statements. But, I grew up in the South, and I have come to appreciate something called Southern Hospitality. If someone came to my house with a few extra things, I would never tell her, "I don't know where you're going to put that," I'd smile and freakin' find a place to put the stuff. But, that's not how she operates, and I know this. So, I guess I'm expecting a behavior from her that she is not inclined to demonstrate.

I'll get over it. Just, right now, I'm hurt. And, most of all by that last comment which really was hurtful. Had the trip ended before that comment was made, I'd have a much easier time of shrugging this off as her being flustered by such a change in plans. That last comment though was just mean and unecessary.

I am from the north, but I currently live in the south and I have for over 12 years so I understand the concept of "Southern Hospitality". It absolutely drives me bonkers. I would rather someone tell me they have a problem than just smile and pretend everything is ok and then talk about me behind my back after I leave. If your MIL is NOT from the South those first few comments may have been her way of trying to express her frustration--not with you personally but with the situation which was sprung on her. When she said those things how did you respond? Did you assure her that you would figure out a way to make it work or did you get offended and shut down? Me being from the North I would see those first comments as problem-solving comments looking for solutions to the problem that was unexpectedly thrust upon her. My husband's family is from the South however and they would totally take offense and not say anything back if I said something like that to them. So now I understand a little more about where you are coming from. Whether I'm wrong or right about the communication habits of people in different areas you now know your MIL communicates differently. You have a great opportunity to change the relationship by telling her your plans for food in the future (now that she knows you are gluten-free). It sounds like she would have planned for you and accomodated you if she had been given some warning.

The weight comment was totally and completey out of line however, I do agree on that.

[mamabear272]

notme, I tend to disagree. Your MIL knows about your dx and chooses to continue to sabotage you. I would be angry too. In this case, her MIL wasn't even informed of her condition. She was pretty blindsided by the whole thing and had no time to plan. She's being chastised when she was the one out of the loop. She had plans based on not being informed.

[notme]

No matter what, I think this topic struck a chord, eh folks??

LOL! for me, for sure - now that i've shot my mouth off on here (gunpowder in my honey-nut chex) let me say this: i do the tongue-biting thing out of respect for my husband. and he sticks up for me and knows when i have gotten to my wits end with his parents. (this is the same woman who cried miserably when i told her i was pregnant! (kid is 20 now) i have to drag my grown children to the annual family reunion at their home. the people who made fun of husband's grandmother when she was disoriented with alzheimer's.... it's a pretty long list....) but i won't stay at their house. if i wrote her a letter and explained that she hurt my feelings: she *would* scoff at it and certainly talk behind my back. she does the backhanded compliment thing and thinks she is being clever. sno's hub sounds alot like mine is when it comes to his mother - he is non-confrontational. he doesn't like to visit even though they only live an hour and a half away. i have suggested to him that he invite them down to our river lot so they could camp out in their little camper on the water but he says NOOOOOOOOO! once i invited them to stay overnight and i thought he was going to have a heart attack (it turned out fine) so i think that in the 20+ years i have known them i have been pretty gracious in spite of her. and i will continue to be so. as long as nobody makes me stay at their house.

[notme]

notme, I tend to disagree. Your MIL knows about your dx and chooses to continue to sabotage you. I would be angry too. In this case, her MIL wasn't even informed of her condition. She was pretty blindsided by the whole thing and had no time to plan. She's being chastised when she was the one out of the loop. She had plans based on not being informed.

that is a good point, molly in my case, these people have watched me be sick for twenty plus years. did they watch this poor girl suffer for 16 years? when i was finally diagnosed i called my sister and told her and she cried tears of relief. she then researched the krap out of the subject. that's kind of what i expected, but, oh well. my skin is pretty thick....

i still let them bring their dog to my house even though they know how allergic i am lol i guess i shouldn't have been/be surprised

[mamabear272]

i still let them bring their dog to my house even though they know how allergic i am lol i guess i shouldn't have been/be surprised

I certainly wouldn't let them bring their dog when you're allergic. For them to even ask is ludicrous! It sounds to me that you have some hurdles with your MIL that I wouldn't even deal with. If I were you, I would just stay away from them and be done with it. Just hearing about her makes my blood boil!

And my hubby was the same way as your sister on the dx. He was so happy that we finally found out what was wrong with me and is currently so happy for me that I feel so much better.

[tarnalberry]

When compared to your MIL, who was willing to put some gluten in your food as a "test," you're right. Mine wasn't as bad. She did seem to completely understand the medical need for me to be off gluten. I think she really doesn't handle change well. And, it was a complete disruption to her routine for us to show up having changed our diet and not being able to eat the food she'd planned to prepare for us. She even expressed that she would have made the gluten free meals if she'd known before we arrived. So, I know she was completely thrown off.

I know the statements, in black and white, really don't look that bad. They're just statements. But, I grew up in the South, and I have come to appreciate something called Southern Hospitality. If someone came to my house with a few extra things, I would never tell her, "I don't know where you're going to put that," I'd smile and freakin' find a place to put the stuff. But, that's not how she operates, and I know this. So, I guess I'm expecting a behavior from her that she is not inclined to demonstrate.

I'll get over it. Just, right now, I'm hurt. And, most of all by that last comment which really was hurtful. Had the trip ended before that comment was made, I'd have a much easier time of shrugging this off as her being flustered by such a change in plans. That last comment though was just mean and unecessary.

I think you found the problem yourself - you came and disrupted her routine without ANY word or notification. Honestly, I'd be a bit put out too if someone came and expected something very different without even mentioning it. (And you were expecting a big change in *her* routine even if just in "invading" her kitchen with a bunch of your supplies.)

Did she handle it poorly? Absolutely. And it's fair to feel hurt by what she said! But I think you guys didn't handle it well too. (Seriously, YOU could have called and told her. It's a pet peeve of mine to expect only the biologic child of a parent to interact with the parent for the whole family.) So, and this is totally my own opinion and I understand if you don't agree with it, you should call her, apologize for not giving advance notice, and explain that her comments hurt your feelings, but you also understand that it was a big change for her routine. Ask her and discuss with her how you two can make it work better next time.

[YoloGx]

I certainly wouldn't let them bring their dog when you're allergic. For them to even ask is ludicrous! It sounds to me that you have some hurdles with your MIL that I wouldn't even deal with. If I were you, I would just stay away from them and be done with it. Just hearing about her makes my blood boil!

And my hubby was the same way as your sister on the dx. He was so happy that we finally found out what was wrong with me and is currently so happy for me that I feel so much better.

this condition tends to "cut the wheat from the chaff" (lol!!) i..e., as to who really loves and cares about you and who doesn't...really.

Bea

[Harpgirl]

LOL! for me, for sure - now that i've shot my mouth off on here (gunpowder in my honey-nut chex) let me say this: i do the tongue-biting thing out of respect for my husband. and he sticks up for me and knows when i have gotten to my wits end with his parents. (this is the same woman who cried miserably when i told her i was pregnant! (kid is 20 now) i have to drag my grown children to the annual family reunion at their home. the people who made fun of husband's grandmother when she was disoriented with alzheimer's.... it's a pretty long list....) but i won't stay at their house. if i wrote her a letter and explained that she hurt my feelings: she *would* scoff at it and certainly talk behind my back. she does the backhanded compliment thing and thinks she is being clever. sno's hub sounds alot like mine is when it comes to his mother - he is non-confrontational. he doesn't like to visit even though they only live an hour and a half away. i have suggested to him that he invite them down to our river lot so they could camp out in their little camper on the water but he says NOOOOOOOOO! once i invited them to stay overnight and i thought he was going to have a heart attack (it turned out fine) so i think that in the 20+ years i have known them i have been pretty gracious in spite of her. and i will continue to be so. as long as nobody makes me stay at their house.

Wow! I feel so lucky to have a down-to-earth MIL! My hubby and I agreed, if (God forbid) anything should ever happen to him, I would take the boys and live closer to his parents. Though mine love the boys, they aren't as "children oriented" as my in-laws (who now have 20 grandkids).

[Mummyto3]

Another one who agrees that your hubby should have said something. Do you talk to her inbetween visits? It could have been mentioned then I think that once you've calmed down, things will be ok. She didn't know about the celiac disease and wasn't prepared for it etc. As you two get on so well I'm sure she'd be saddened to hear that she upset you with her comments. I'd still visit her. After all, it's only once or twice a year. I'm sure next time she'll be more prepared and perhaps she might even try to find out about celiac disease or you could send her a pamphlet or something to help her to understand.

Don't fall out over this. Don't let a great relationship go to waste.

[Mummyto3]

notme, I tend to disagree. Your MIL knows about your dx and chooses to continue to sabotage you. I would be angry too. In this case, her MIL wasn't even informed of her condition. She was pretty blindsided by the whole thing and had no time to plan. She's being chastised when she was the one out of the loop. She had plans based on not being informed.

Agreed x