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eleep

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  • murfsgirl

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  • Interests
    Backpacking, Yoga, Cello-playing and -- right now, my dissertation
  • Location
    Gainesville, FL

eleep's Achievements

  1. Therapy is great for dealing with anxiety -- don't overlook exercise as well, however. Even when I'm dealing with really giant life-stressors, I'm a whole lot calmer when I workout -- even if it's only gentle yoga and walking, which is about all I can do when I've been glutened. Meditation is also a very powerful way of dealing with anxiety, although it takes a regular practice for a while to learn enough about how to get under the anxiety -- that's been my most effective tool because it's always available even if I'm not healthy enough to go running!

    I can tell you that one way I've learned to deal with that kind of anxiety is to develop an organized strategy for what I'll do if something goes wrong. So, I've put together a glutening "kit" for myself and made lists of foods to take with me when I travel. The "kit" right now mostly consists of stuff like activated charcoal to head a reaction off at the pass, Immodium to settle whatever the charcoal doesn't take care of (and the Immodium also protects endorphin receptors -- so it directly helps with anxiety as well), extra supplements (especially b-complex because it helps with stressiness), Boost and some gluten-free bars just in case I'm away from a source of healthy, fresh food, and some last-ditch Ativan (haven't had to take it yet, so I don't know if it's a good idea or not -- the last time I got glutened the charcoal helped so much that I didn't even have insomnia -- although I still wasn't a happy camper for a number of days!).

    eleep

  2. Yep, I know that. This guy went through a lot with me over the past few years, however, with my mother's long decline towards death, my health stuff, his degree and jobsearch and a union-organizing campaign that we both busted our butts for to the detriment of our personal stress levels -- and I can't fully blame him if it's been hard for him to tell me how much he cares. It's tough when a relationship is all about crises for a while because it also needs to be about joys and peace too. If he knew enough of me that he's still in love with me, we may have an opportunity to share some of that joy and peace. He may get to a point where he feels like telling me he adores me doesn't come with the price of having to share only suffering with me.

    I am so getting in the space for joy and peace and celebration right now.

    eleep

  3. Well -- my life is about me right now, the guys can wait. If they're still around when I've got the time for them, then I might need more advice -- you've given me so much that's been useful already!

    Frankly, I may even be outgrowing the need for advice as I get healthier! I find that listening to myself is the best advice I can get. My therapist seems to be getting ready to kick me out.

    eleep

  4. I watched my mother die a very hard and lonely death from lung cancer a few years ago. It really changed my life -- although I wasn't fully aware of it at the time. It was less the lung cancer than the fact that the rest of her life had been so hard -- and, I suspect, she wasn't actually bipolar or schizo-affective or whatever they argued she was. She definitely wasn't bipolar because they had her on meds that would contra-indicate that for the last two years of her life -- if she was, she'd have gone into mania, and that didn't happen.

    I'm pretty sure she was at least gluten-intolerant, if not fully celiac -- this may or may not have had to do with her lifelong psychiatric problems -- she had her first institutionalization when she went away to college and had a lifelong on-off issue with what seemed to be delusions -- I've never experienced anywhere near that kind of dissociation from reality and I've always been able to take care of myself -- therapy, yes, but the need for institutionaliztion, no. Even the few times I was on psych-meds they seemed like overkill after a while and the doctors took me off of them after 3-6 months. The last time I was seeing a psychiatrist about possible anxiety meds he made me feel very frustrated because he wanted me to wait for a few months before giving me a prescription -- luckily, those few months were what it took to find the celiac. Now I've just got some emergency drugs in my glutening kit that I haven't had to pull out yet.

    Anyway -- what I keep remembering is that she'd developed a hump by the end of her life -- this was shockingly noticeable to me because I'd had to cut off all contact with her for many years and it was only a few years before her death that I reconnected. The celiac genes run on both sides of my family and, I suspect she was in advanced osteoporosis.

    I've spent a lot of time since her death trying to deal with the fear of becoming my mother and ending up as she did. It's taken me on some not-good detours, but I've done my best to listen to my body and stay the course -- even when it meant that I seemed like I was ignoring my boyfriend's concern (I didn't know how to convince him that I wasn't going mad until I had the proof about what was wrong with me).

    That's the thing that most makes me not want to eat gluten again -- it's a very powerful motivator -- and I've also gained so much good stuff from getting healthy that I just don't miss the gluten anymore! Although I have had intermittant dreams that someone's offering me a platter of cookies I can't eat -- never was a big cookie person before, but these sure have been intense dreams!

    Oh -- and I'm also a week into quitting smoking -- wish me luck, folks!

    eleep

  5. Ha -- actually, this might be the place to confess that I'm pleasantly surprised at some of the attention I've gotten since the breakup. That ex-boyfriend from my 20's I mentioned above has been very attentive to me on the phone and, when I mentioned to him that I was coming up North and was considering heading over to visit him at his parents' summer camp, got very excited! He called me up to ask for a list of what I could and couldn't eat so he'd be stocked up on gluten-free food to feed me!

    Now, this is a guy who broke up with me for many of the same reasons as my recent ex -- once I took the time to actually mourn that relationship (and it was two years before I actually allowed myself to go through that process because of my bad rebound experience), I'd started to really work on the emotional reactivity and other issues that he'd complained about -- I had to get to the point to where I wanted to do that for myself, not for some guy. That was the process that finally led me to the celiac realization (with some significant detours along the way -- among them, my mother's death and a phase of really fearing that I was bipolar like her -- which I projected so strongly that my then-boyfriend started to fear the same thing).

    Unfortunately (in a way), it wasn't as easy as going through lots of therapy and visiting a psychiatrist and stuff -- had I had any idea that this was food-related, I would have been in better shape a lot earlier. I can't say that I regret everything, however -- the whole journey has forced me to become a better person in so many ways -- I've learned so many skills and resources that put me in much better shape than a lot of people I know.

    Guy-from-my-20's is really cool, but I know that I need to keep him at a distance for a while as I sort through stuff. There's too much at stake for me to get into something with someone I know I have a strong connection with -- and he's been married, had a kid and gotten divorced since we were together, so I know that he's got stuff to sort through too. I care about him, but right now my heart needs to be clear and where it is -- and it's still with my recent ex right now, so I'm not totally free. I would need to heal more and be whole before I embarked upon any kind of relationship with that kind of potential again -- and I want to leave the space open for that "new relationship" to be with my recent ex -- should that be what we both decide is a good idea.

    Wow -- I sound so self-absorbed and I feel like I'm hogging the list!

    eleep

  6. Yes -- I really think we need to communicate better. We made the mistake of trying to do this over email and it went really really bad really fast. I was also unable to not send him email for a while which he felt was an effort to pursue the relationship exactly as it was before -- things got so tangled up that I ended up telling him all this stuff about exactly why I didn't want that relationship and being defensive about my "pursuit" really being about communicating -- it was all very true stuff, but what got left out was the discussion where we both agreed that we're both open to starting over sometime once we've taken some time to reflect.

    We finally had that discussion, and now I really want to give us both some time. I know that I've been able to get a lot clearer and process emotions much faster since we talked and then agreed to go into "no contact". I don't want to muck with that process too early in the game -- it's only been a few weeks and the rest of my life is really important to me.

    Thanks for telling me I'm "dateable"! That's actually something I'd only started to figure out when I met this guy (I was painfully shy through much of my 20's -- although I did go through kind of a promiscuous, self-destructive phase), so it is interesting to realize this -- especially now that I'm gluten-free -- having a clear head makes it a lot easier to notice when someone's checking you out! Unfortunately, the other day the guy who was checking me out was a married professor!

    eleep

  7. My acute withdrawal symptoms lasted about a month or so. If you're serious about seeing how this works, I'd give it a good 4-5 months. I feel for your child as I had quite a few tantrums myself after going gluten-free -- upsetting, because I thought this was something that would instantly "fix" everything -- I wasn't prepared for the withdrawal and it nearly led me to believe that I was mistaken about the celiac and was actually going off the deep end (that's when I finally shelled out for the Enterolab testing).

    Although I have progressively been feeling better, there have been a lot of ups and downs: I think the milder withdrawal effects actually went on for 2-3 months because it took an extra two months of that to finally be sure I had _all_ the sources of gluten eliminated from toiletries, vitamins and stuff like that. I also stalled on eliminating dairy because I didn't test for casein intolerance and I was in denial about how much lactose was still affecting my system.

    eleep

  8. I am doing well. I've been teaching and working on getting myself through my Ph.D. qualifying exams -- there have been some hitches with funding and such that have kind of made me stressed at times, but they are things I can deal with -- although they may mean that I don't finish this degree in the long run, I'm trying to get myself into a position where I can make that decision out of my own power and not because I am forced into it out of financial necessity.

    It has helped a lot to be healed/healing -- I think my head is clearer than it's been in my entire adult life. One thing I've realized is that I'm actually a very good teacher when I'm healthy -- and I get a lot of joy and pleasure out of teaching. This gives me hope because I realize that I don't necessarily need the Ph.D. to teach.

    I'm also getting a lot of good feedback on my research -- which does make me excited about finishing the degree, but it will take a lot of time and I'm not sure whether the resources are there or not. This is kind of a limbo-time for me because getting through a certain amount of the degree may make some alternative money sources more available to me, so I just kind of have to keep my nose to the grindstone and not look up and worry about things too much.

    My ex-boyfriend and I had a very good and loving series of discussions before he left town to take a professorship in Indiana. We are in "no contact" until November and then we're going to talk about where we are and what we want. The last few months while he's been in town have been full of drama and miscommunication -- which was very stressful as we were both reacting to the suddenness and confusion of our break and -- I now realize -- both really very much still caring about each other. He kind of turtled in a big way and wouldn't talk to me -- and I reacted by sending a bunch of email as we couldn't totally avoid each other and I was confused.

    I set that "no contact" period myself before we'd talked because I'd been assuming that we were done for good and I knew I needed that time to heal and get over him. I was kind of humbled by the revelation that he's still open to possibilities in the future. What is clear to me now is that I love this guy more than I've ever loved anyone and I think he's loved me pretty darn well too. We have a lot of good things together, but we weren't ready for the kind of long-term commitment-leave town together thing we were trying to force to happen -- among other things, I really needed to get my health issues sorted out. I know that he needs to figure some things out as well -- we both need space, although -- if I finish my qualifying exams, I may contact him with the good news because he's someone who knows how much this means to me -- I may rescind the agreement temporarily after six weeks instead of twelve.

    So -- I'm in limbo with that as well. I'm trying to think that I'm not "waiting around" for something that will never happen, but I'm not exactly out there looking for a replacement. Mostly I'm just focused on my schoolwork right now. Although we haven't set parameters on whether to date other people (and it was some confusion about his dating someone right after the breakup that added to the stress, anger and miscommunication), I'm not really dating anyone because I know this guy is still very much in my heart and I want to give us a chance -- moreover, I want myself to be whole and I know that getting involved with someone else right now -- even getting intimate on a casual basis -- might be something that would go to my head too much. I got into something like that after a very serious relationship in my 20's and ended up thinking I was in love, had met "the one" and spent two miserable years with a guy I don't even care to talk to ever again.

    That's not to say that I'm sure my relationship will work out towards a reconciliation -- it takes two people, after all. I know from the shifts in my own emotional state of late that either of us might decide that we're not interested anymore. This is just where I am today.

    It has been nice to be single and talk to men and find out that I'm still very interesting and dateable -- however, I also know that it takes a long time to build into the kind of relationship I was in before, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty sure that's the kind of thing I want. I'm taking the dating thing very lightly. I think it's important for me to relearn how to be alone -- important for anyone, after a split -- it's too easy to get swept up into all that infatuation and romance and sex and stuff when you're vulnerable.

    I am learning a lot about what it means to love in all senses of the word -- with my family, the friends who are truly important (still haven't been able to respond to the friend who emailed me -- she is important to me, but I have had to expend so much effort already trying to do damage control on the close ones who reacted strongly to the celiac that I'm too tired -- there will be time for me to make amends and such if she and I are to be friends in the future, but I'm trying to learn not to lean and I think too much of my relationship with her was based on our mutual leaning on each other -- and she's not very supportive of my other choices in life, I think there's a degree of competitiveness involved that I don't have room for anymore).

    So -- that's where I am -- in limbo, but learning that small things in life make me very happy! Someone posted something on this site about a quote that runs something like: work slowly, love fully whenever you can -- that's what I'm trying to keep in mind as I work through this stuff.

    eleep

  9. Yes, I should add that my father has had Type I diabetes since he was three -- he's now 71 and otherwise in perfect health with none of the complications one would expect to crop up for a lifelong diabetic.

    When we were growing up, I completely chafed at having to adhere to his strict meal schedule and the fact that I always felt he was overly critical of my own independent eating choices. However, those habits, that schedule and my stepmother's skills at cooking from scratch taught me a lot that was valuable to me even before the celiac diagnosis -- and, now, I can't imagine eating with any less consciousness and discipline.

    eleep

  10. I've only had time to scan through this thread, but I agree that sometimes friends and family may be trying their best to be supportive but their own self-destructive issues get in the way sometimes.

    I've really noticed that my celiac has become kind of a lightening rod for some of my friends' own anxieties about their health and behavior -- in some cases it has to do with their issues with food; in others, it has to do with their issues with body image.

    I started to realize that I needed to more carefully evaluate what kinds of people I was inviting into my life and how much I could trust them. Not that I'm going to drop a bunch of people because I'm somehow morally judging their comments and behavior -- just that I'm more aware of the way in which friends can tear each other down sometimes out of their own insecurities. I've got plenty of friends who might not have reacted entirely well to everything all the time, but -- in the long run -- they've all been incredibly supportive in the best ways they know. I've developed a lot more appreciation and patience for the people who really care about me and stick by me.

  11. The very first night I went gluten-free, my boyfriend had promised to make dinner, but I was trying to lie down because I'd come off a week of eating a lot of bread and felt miserable -- not to mention the fact that I'd returned that day from the GI doctor with totally inconclusive test results and no support or advice other than "see if it makes you feel better -- I don't need to see you again!".

    Well, my partner was a little scared because I'd been pretty irritable and monstery lately with all the health stuff and interpreted "leave me alone for now, I just want to lie down" as "don't make dinner". What ensued was a totally hysterical outburst on my part and a stubborn refusal to make dinner on his as I quickly moved into hypoglycemic hungry rage. I ended up reheating some (not very good) leftover stew and sat grumbling while I ate it. What I got back was: "So -- tastes bitter, huh? Wonder why that might be......."

    It was not one of my finer moments.

    Werewolf might be a really good analogy. I'll have to remember that one.

  12. I have to second that last post -- the Ore-Ida tater tots are on Heinz's list of gluten-free products, but I did have a slight reaction after eating some last night (not too debilitating, but definitely a reaction and definitely from the tots). I think they must be produced in a facility which also processes things containing gluten, so it's a cross-contamination risk which may depend on your level of sensitivity.

    eleep

  13. Yes, I can attest to the fact that stress makes it worse as well and that it's really important, when healing, to have de-stressing techniques, methods, etc... at your fingertips.

    I went through a personal crisis just as I went gluten-free and the ensuing chaos has, I'm pretty sure, delayed my healing quite a bit -- too much new stuff was going on at once for me to know what to focus on for a while and it was a few months before I really felt like I was able to sufficiently feed/cook for myself AND not get glutened AND take the supplements I needed AND keep up with exercise and meditation.

    It helps me a lot to remember that I can't do everything all at once and to make the things that are healing and sustaining my first priority as much as possible. I'm in a place now where I can see how far I've come in the past 5 months or so, and it's a lot further than I ever thought I would make it when I was in the middle of the mess.

    eleep

  14. I can't remember who posted about this stuff initially, but it really seems to have helped take a bunch of the horror out of getting glutened.

    I had a cross-contamination issue yesterday when my roommate and I got our mayonnaise jars mixed up (I'm still learning -- I should have labeled mine more clearly -- I knew there was a risk and I just used the stuff anyway because I was in a hurry).

    Felt the initial cramping sensations in my stomach and took three activated charcoal capsules -- the stomach stuff didn't get worse and, although I felt a bit run down (it took me a couple hours before I remembered that I'd bought the charcoal, so I was well into starting to react), I haven't had any of the insomnia, overwhelming panic attacks or well-nigh four-five day yuckiness that's wiped me out every time I've been glutened.

    I was careful to take my usual vitamins and such long enough after the charcoal (about four hours) that it wasn't likely to absorb them as well (helps to have a nursing student roommate who could help me approximate the length of time I should wait for the stuff to pass through my system!).

    So -- here I am today feeling pretty darn good for someone who got glutened yesterday. There's been minimal D. and gassiness. I have been pretty achey -- but I also picked up my free weights for the first time in a while yesterday morning, so I'm pretty sure that's what's causing most of the ache -- and it hasn't been enough to stop me from doing yoga today, grading about twenty papers and going about my Sunday as usual.

    This is making me feel hopeful that my life won't be totally disrupted forever -- and that I will be able to thrive and (with some caution) travel and do the things I've always planned to do.

    eleep

  15. Now that tuna comes up again, it reminds me that one of my favorite things to do lately has been to go to the really good fish market and get sushi grade tuna. I don't have time to roll out sushi right now, but I do make a spicy tuna tartare thing by chopping it up with a little mayo, tabasco, sesame oil, soy sauce, rice vinegar, salt, pepper and . Don't have proportions for this, it's just something I kind of throw together.

    Of course, I was talking canned tuna earlier and I'm a little leery about recommending raw tuna to anyone since you need to be sure it's sushi grade (which can be spendy) and mercury can be an issue for some people, especially pregnant women.

      Floridian said:
    eleep - Holy cow.. how did you get up there... did you climb? (your picture)

    Yes. There's a trail, however, and it's kind of bouldery -- not anything involving special climbing gear or anything super impressive like that. It's Mt. Marcy in New York and it's a fairly accessible climb for anyone who might want to do it -- providing you're in good shape and don't have some kind of knee injury -- I had a 32 pound pack on and almost permanently injured my knee on the way down. I'd recommend a walking stick or trekking poles for anyone who wanted to do the same thing.

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