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eleep

This Celiac Relationship Crisis Thing Is Real!

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I agree with this notion of unhealthy relationship patterns and I think it has to do with fear and dependency. I've stayed in many bad relationships because I was afraid of one thing or another. For instance, I stayed in a relationship for 3 years with someone who had no intention of ever being married or ever having kids, even though I want these things for myself. I also allowed one boyfriend TO KICK MY HEEL ALL THE WAY HOME. There were many things about this particular man that concerned me, yet I accepted them and went along with it all. I now see that I did nothing in the relationship to set boundaries, so how could I expect to be respected? Sometimes I think he was consciously testing my limits by doing that because in time he saw right through my lack of self-respect. I've also risked my health and allowed various other things that could result in harm (thankfully all is ok there). Neither of these two men were suitable for me, yet I remained in the relationships. I did not realize that I was repeating this pattern until recently and am very happy to finally "get it". In a very strange way I was using these men to distract me from living my own life. For instance, rather than have the courage to pursue a career, I instead attempted to fill that void by throwing myself into a guy.

I'm still trying to sort all of this out, so I hope it's not confusing

It's not confusing at all. This is very much resonant with my situation right now. The "wanted to get me pregnant" idea is a little scary, however.....(where are those emoticons?)......

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eleep -- How are you doing since your last post?

I just want to say you are beautiful and smart. You are [not] selfish! And remember you have to take care of yourself first before you can care/love others. You come first beautiful!

I know what it is like trying to keep relationships; when people don't get it.

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As with any relationship, friendship, emotional attachment to another, one's individual health should NOT be a "problem". If he can't handle the fact that you two can't chow down on "regular" pizza and beer - DTMFA!

You need to look out for your health and well being!

I've dated women who understand and care, and some who "just don't get it". You can probably guess which relationships have lasted longer. ;)

Hang in there, life itself isn't easy, and health related issues tend to throw a few extra curve-balls in the way!

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Erica,

I just read this thread and also hope you are doing okay. That was not a friend, & you do not need someone in your life that behaves so badly as to email a list of faults as they see it. I hope you have gotten into some activites that you like and found some new people to get to know & maybe find another friend or two.

Wishing you the best

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I think like fiddle-faddle that if both your ex and your friend are saying the same things then its likely got some substance.

I don't really see it as bad she waited 2 years... perhaps she thought this was the soonest you could take it.

Perhaps you had a need for someone who would listen and say "aha" ... and she thought that was what you needed not criticism.

If its a long letter (email whatever) she obviously put some thought into it and I doiubt she would do that if she didn't care!

If he ends up being that great guy and it was all because you were sick, then both of you may see it ... if it happens that way, don't let it go. I have a feeling it's not going to happen that way from what you've said, but if it does ... definately see him before he leaves ... you need to know.

True and men are like buses, another will be along.

More seriously ... relationship problems are rarely single sided. Bad relationship problems need both parties to be antagonistic but that doesn't mean you cannot learn from the experience.

I think my ex would kick herself in many ways from what I learned AFTER the breakup of the relationship (in this case marriage) ... but I think also it was the only way I would actually learn it.

Pliny said time spent not learning is time wasted... I don't agree, he obviously missed self analysis because he spent an inordinate amount of time eating and he obviously enjoyed that :D but in many ways its true.

This is the way humans learn... we don't get things right the first time or even second, we need a defining moment in many cases to self-analyse ... and this process can be painful.

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I am doing well. I've been teaching and working on getting myself through my Ph.D. qualifying exams -- there have been some hitches with funding and such that have kind of made me stressed at times, but they are things I can deal with -- although they may mean that I don't finish this degree in the long run, I'm trying to get myself into a position where I can make that decision out of my own power and not because I am forced into it out of financial necessity.

It has helped a lot to be healed/healing -- I think my head is clearer than it's been in my entire adult life. One thing I've realized is that I'm actually a very good teacher when I'm healthy -- and I get a lot of joy and pleasure out of teaching. This gives me hope because I realize that I don't necessarily need the Ph.D. to teach.

I'm also getting a lot of good feedback on my research -- which does make me excited about finishing the degree, but it will take a lot of time and I'm not sure whether the resources are there or not. This is kind of a limbo-time for me because getting through a certain amount of the degree may make some alternative money sources more available to me, so I just kind of have to keep my nose to the grindstone and not look up and worry about things too much.

My ex-boyfriend and I had a very good and loving series of discussions before he left town to take a professorship in Indiana. We are in "no contact" until November and then we're going to talk about where we are and what we want. The last few months while he's been in town have been full of drama and miscommunication -- which was very stressful as we were both reacting to the suddenness and confusion of our break and -- I now realize -- both really very much still caring about each other. He kind of turtled in a big way and wouldn't talk to me -- and I reacted by sending a bunch of email as we couldn't totally avoid each other and I was confused.

I set that "no contact" period myself before we'd talked because I'd been assuming that we were done for good and I knew I needed that time to heal and get over him. I was kind of humbled by the revelation that he's still open to possibilities in the future. What is clear to me now is that I love this guy more than I've ever loved anyone and I think he's loved me pretty darn well too. We have a lot of good things together, but we weren't ready for the kind of long-term commitment-leave town together thing we were trying to force to happen -- among other things, I really needed to get my health issues sorted out. I know that he needs to figure some things out as well -- we both need space, although -- if I finish my qualifying exams, I may contact him with the good news because he's someone who knows how much this means to me -- I may rescind the agreement temporarily after six weeks instead of twelve.

So -- I'm in limbo with that as well. I'm trying to think that I'm not "waiting around" for something that will never happen, but I'm not exactly out there looking for a replacement. Mostly I'm just focused on my schoolwork right now. Although we haven't set parameters on whether to date other people (and it was some confusion about his dating someone right after the breakup that added to the stress, anger and miscommunication), I'm not really dating anyone because I know this guy is still very much in my heart and I want to give us a chance -- moreover, I want myself to be whole and I know that getting involved with someone else right now -- even getting intimate on a casual basis -- might be something that would go to my head too much. I got into something like that after a very serious relationship in my 20's and ended up thinking I was in love, had met "the one" and spent two miserable years with a guy I don't even care to talk to ever again.

That's not to say that I'm sure my relationship will work out towards a reconciliation -- it takes two people, after all. I know from the shifts in my own emotional state of late that either of us might decide that we're not interested anymore. This is just where I am today.

It has been nice to be single and talk to men and find out that I'm still very interesting and dateable -- however, I also know that it takes a long time to build into the kind of relationship I was in before, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty sure that's the kind of thing I want. I'm taking the dating thing very lightly. I think it's important for me to relearn how to be alone -- important for anyone, after a split -- it's too easy to get swept up into all that infatuation and romance and sex and stuff when you're vulnerable.

I am learning a lot about what it means to love in all senses of the word -- with my family, the friends who are truly important (still haven't been able to respond to the friend who emailed me -- she is important to me, but I have had to expend so much effort already trying to do damage control on the close ones who reacted strongly to the celiac that I'm too tired -- there will be time for me to make amends and such if she and I are to be friends in the future, but I'm trying to learn not to lean and I think too much of my relationship with her was based on our mutual leaning on each other -- and she's not very supportive of my other choices in life, I think there's a degree of competitiveness involved that I don't have room for anymore).

So -- that's where I am -- in limbo, but learning that small things in life make me very happy! Someone posted something on this site about a quote that runs something like: work slowly, love fully whenever you can -- that's what I'm trying to keep in mind as I work through this stuff.

eleep

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I am doing well. I've been teaching and working on getting myself through my Ph.D. qualifying exams -- there have been some hitches with funding and such that have kind of made me stressed at times, but they are things I can deal with -- although they may mean that I don't finish this degree in the long run, I think I'm in a position where I could make that decision out of my own power and not because I was forced into it.

It has helped a lot to be healed/healing -- I think my head is clearer than it's been in my entire adult life. One thing I've realized is that I'm actually a very good teacher when I'm healthy -- and I get a lot of joy and pleasure out of teaching. This gives me hope because I realize that I don't necessarily need the Ph.D. to teach.

I'm also getting a lot of good feedback on my research -- which does make me excited about finishing the degree, but it will take a lot of time and I'm not sure whether the resources are there or not. This is kind of a limbo-time for me because getting through a certain amount of the degree may make some alternative money sources more available to me, so I just kind of have to keep my nose to the grindstone and not look up and worry about things too much.

My ex-boyfriend and I had a very good and loving series of discussions before he left town to take a professorship in Indiana. We are in "no contact" until November and then we're going to talk about where we are and what we want. The last few months while he's been in town have been full of drama and miscommunication -- which was very stressful as we were both reacting to the suddenness and confusion of our break and -- I now realize -- both really very much still caring about each other. He kind of turtled in a big way and wouldn't talk to me -- and I reacted by sending a bunch of email as we couldn't totally avoid each other and I was confused.

I set that "no contact" period myself before we'd talked because I'd been assuming that we were done for good and I knew I needed that time to heal and get over him. I was kind of humbled by the revelation that he's still open to possibilities in the future. What is clear to me now is that I love this guy more than I've ever loved anyone and I think he's loved me pretty darn well too. We have a lot of good things together, but we weren't ready for the kind of long-term commitment-leave town together thing we were trying to force to happen -- among other things, I really needed to get my health issues sorted out. I know that he needs to figure some things out as well -- we both need space, although -- if I finish my qualifying exams, I may contact him with the good news because he's someone who knows how much this means to me -- I may rescind the agreement temporarily after six weeks instead of twelve.

So -- I'm in limbo with that as well. I'm trying to think that I'm not "waiting around" for something that will never happen, but I'm not exactly out there looking for a replacement. Mostly I'm just focused on my schoolwork right now. Although we haven't set parameters on whether to date other people (and it was some confusion about his dating someone right after the breakup that added to the stress, anger and miscommunication), I'm not really dating anyone because I know this guy is still very much in my heart and I want to give us a chance -- moreover, I want myself to be whole and I know that getting involved with someone else right now -- even getting intimate on a casual basis -- might be something that would go to my head too much. I got into something like that after a very serious relationship in my 20's and ended up thinking I was in love, had met "the one" and spent two miserable years with a guy I don't even care to talk to ever again.

It has been nice to be single and talk to men and find out that I'm still very interesting and dateable -- however, I also know that it takes a long time to build into the kind of relationship I was in before, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty sure that's the kind of thing I want. I'm taking the dating thing very lightly.

I am learning a lot about what it means to love in all senses of the word -- with my family, the friends who are truly important (still haven't been able to respond to the friend who emailed me -- she is important to me, but I have had to expend so much effort already trying to do damage control on the close ones who reacted strongly to the celiac that I'm too tired -- there will be time for me to make amends and such if she and I are to be friends in the future, but I'm trying to learn not to lean and I think too much of my relationship with her was based on our mutual leaning on each other -- and she's not very supportive of my other choices in life, I think there's a degree of competitiveness involved that I don't have room for anymore).

So -- that's where I am -- in limbo, but learning that small things in life make me very happy! Someone posted something on this site about a quote that runs something like: work slowly, love fully whenever you can -- that's what I'm trying to keep in mind as I work through this stuff.

Hey, your definately datable and he knows that too.

I know this sounds harsh but you should be telling him this !!!

Obviously your doctrate comes first now but since you are so dateable you wouldn't want him loosing interest at the wrong time for want of you telling him what you feel!

Like I said all relationships involve two people and when they go bad mostly its just they are receptive to things at different times .... one makes and effort and the other rebukes... thinks about it and makes an effort and the other one is still affronted and rebukes ...

After a while we become scared of making the effort for fear of rebuke!

You can say how you feel, ask about setting boundaries for "other "relationships (your hardly missing out here in the run up to your thesis and you don't sound comfortable anyway so ....) and not promise anything except looking over the situation in 6 weeks or 12 if you prefer.

I hope it all works out for you....

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Yes -- I really think we need to communicate better. We made the mistake of trying to do this over email and it went really really bad really fast. I was also unable to not send him email for a while which he felt was an effort to pursue the relationship exactly as it was before -- things got so tangled up that I ended up telling him all this stuff about exactly why I didn't want that relationship and being defensive about my "pursuit" really being about communicating -- it was all very true stuff, but what got left out was the discussion where we both agreed that we're both open to starting over sometime once we've taken some time to reflect.

We finally had that discussion, and now I really want to give us both some time. I know that I've been able to get a lot clearer and process emotions much faster since we talked and then agreed to go into "no contact". I don't want to muck with that process too early in the game -- it's only been a few weeks and the rest of my life is really important to me.

Thanks for telling me I'm "dateable"! That's actually something I'd only started to figure out when I met this guy (I was painfully shy through much of my 20's -- although I did go through kind of a promiscuous, self-destructive phase), so it is interesting to realize this -- especially now that I'm gluten-free -- having a clear head makes it a lot easier to notice when someone's checking you out! Unfortunately, the other day the guy who was checking me out was a married professor!

eleep

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Erica, breaking your agreement with him before with calling and emailing did not seem to make him happy or get the results you wanted. Do you have a mutual friend who could just let him know the good news, and let him know you are just realizing how dateable you are? You promised him no contact for 3 months, I just encourage you not to be the one to break the agreement. Apparently this guy doesn't think he has the possibility of losing you. You could go out, but make it clear that you're not looking for a relationship. Having a few friendships with men can't hurt. Just keep them at the friend level.

Let the ex do the chasing this time! If you're out having fun, not contacting him, etc., he's going to suddenly realize what he's missing and fear losing you. Wait till he calls you. If the three months is over and you don't jump on the phone to call him, you could really have fun with what happens. He needs to know what it is to miss you ... you haven't let him have that opportunity. It took the guy I told you about about three or four months to realize he missed me ... of course, it was too late for him! I believe you've done what gfp has suggested already, this guy knows you want him back.

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Yeah -- you're right. One of my worst habits is to think I haven't made myself clear and then I over-communicate or second-guess myself!

I also don't want the "I'm still dating and dateable" thing to mis-translate as "I'm fixing to go out and find someone better than you, so NYAH!". I may be dating, but I'm not playing games.

eleep

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If you ever feel like you're caving in, come here instead!!! He'll get worried! And he's up in Indiana all lonely not knowing anyone with lots of time to think about you :)

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Ha -- actually, this might be the place to confess that I'm pleasantly surprised at some of the attention I've gotten since the breakup. That ex-boyfriend from my 20's I mentioned above has been very attentive to me on the phone and, when I mentioned to him that I was coming up North and was considering heading over to visit him at his parents' summer camp, got very excited! He called me up to ask for a list of what I could and couldn't eat so he'd be stocked up on gluten-free food to feed me!

Now, this is a guy who broke up with me for many of the same reasons as my recent ex -- once I took the time to actually mourn that relationship (and it was two years before I actually allowed myself to go through that process because of my bad rebound experience), I'd started to really work on the emotional reactivity and other issues that he'd complained about -- I had to get to the point to where I wanted to do that for myself, not for some guy. That was the process that finally led me to the celiac realization (with some significant detours along the way -- among them, my mother's death and a phase of really fearing that I was bipolar like her -- which I projected so strongly that my then-boyfriend started to fear the same thing).

Unfortunately (in a way), it wasn't as easy as going through lots of therapy and visiting a psychiatrist and stuff -- had I had any idea that this was food-related, I would have been in better shape a lot earlier. I can't say that I regret everything, however -- the whole journey has forced me to become a better person in so many ways -- I've learned so many skills and resources that put me in much better shape than a lot of people I know.

Guy-from-my-20's is really cool, but I know that I need to keep him at a distance for a while as I sort through stuff. There's too much at stake for me to get into something with someone I know I have a strong connection with -- and he's been married, had a kid and gotten divorced since we were together, so I know that he's got stuff to sort through too. I care about him, but right now my heart needs to be clear and where it is -- and it's still with my recent ex right now, so I'm not totally free. I would need to heal more and be whole before I embarked upon any kind of relationship with that kind of potential again -- and I want to leave the space open for that "new relationship" to be with my recent ex -- should that be what we both decide is a good idea.

Wow -- I sound so self-absorbed and I feel like I'm hogging the list!

eleep

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Wow -- I sound so self-absorbed and I feel like I'm hogging the list!

eleep

This is your thread! :)

I don't have any advice there ... I don't know either guy! It can be very dangerous seeing someone you have strong feelings for ... I can tell you that.

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Well -- my life is about me right now, the guys can wait. If they're still around when I've got the time for them, then I might need more advice -- you've given me so much that's been useful already!

Frankly, I may even be outgrowing the need for advice as I get healthier! I find that listening to myself is the best advice I can get. My therapist seems to be getting ready to kick me out.

eleep

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I think he's loved me pretty darn well too.

eleep

"Pretty darn well..." Excuse me, but I think you deserve more than pretty darn well! You deserve to have someone adore you, and realize that you are the greatest thing for him since sliced bread! (Annalise Roberts' gluten-free recipe, of course!)

I'm serious.

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Yep, I know that. This guy went through a lot with me over the past few years, however, with my mother's long decline towards death, my health stuff, his degree and jobsearch and a union-organizing campaign that we both busted our butts for to the detriment of our personal stress levels -- and I can't fully blame him if it's been hard for him to tell me how much he cares. It's tough when a relationship is all about crises for a while because it also needs to be about joys and peace too. If he knew enough of me that he's still in love with me, we may have an opportunity to share some of that joy and peace. He may get to a point where he feels like telling me he adores me doesn't come with the price of having to share only suffering with me.

I am so getting in the space for joy and peace and celebration right now.

eleep

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Hah -- I must get off this computer. I confess that I did celebrate a bit too much at a wine-tasting party last night and I'm feeling the effects -- haven't been drinking anything lately, so it hits me hard if it's more than one glass.

eleep

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Hah -- I must get off this computer. I confess that I did celebrate a bit too much at a wine-tasting party last night and I'm feeling the effects -- haven't been drinking anything lately, so it hits me hard if it's more than one glass.

eleep

Sorry been out all night and not really in a good state to give proper advice but i'll get back tomorrow with a male perspective for you. Promise.

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Sorry been out all night and not really in a good state to give proper advice but i'll get back tomorrow with a male perspective for you. Promise.

You do some of your best posts when you've been out all night!!

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Enjoy your singleness. If I had known I was going to like being divorced so much I would have done it much sooner. I and only I am in control of my destiny and it is just so liberating. Once I made the decision to just live for me and my son I found a girlfriend who is exactly what I wanted. We both have the same philosophy about marriage and more kids. NEVER AGAIN. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

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True and men are like buses, another will be along.

BUSES - Some are old, some are smelly, some are dirty, some are noisy and make a lot of noise (for no-good reason), they stop and pick up anything along the way and some need fixing! Why wait for a bus, you deserve to be riding in a LIMO and adored like a queen.

Well -- my life is about me right now, the guys can wait. If they're still around when I've got the time for them, then I might need more advice -- you've given me so much that's been useful already!

Frankly, I may even be outgrowing the need for advice as I get healthier! I find that listening to myself is the best advice I can get. My therapist seems to be getting ready to kick me out.

You are very smart and beautiful woman, you have a good head and deserve the very best.

"Pretty darn well..." Excuse me, but I think you deserve more than pretty darn well! You deserve to have someone adore you, and realize that you are the greatest thing for him since sliced bread! (Annalise Roberts' gluten-free recipe, of course!)

I'm serious.

Something a wise elderly person told me one day.

People come into our lives for a REASON, SEASON or LIFETIME.

Keep that big beautiful smile on your face. Don't let any [man] take it away.

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You do some of your best posts when you've been out all night!!

Perhaps but it would be silly to give someone advice on this when not 100%....

Why wait for a bus, you deserve to be riding in a LIMO and adored like a queen.

Quite a few people like buses.

When its a good one it brings social interaction... and you don't have the hassle or expense of maintaining something long term. If it doesn't go to the same place you want you can get off and catch another.

Yep, I know that. This guy went through a lot with me over the past few years, however, with my mother's long decline towards death, my health stuff, his degree and jobsearch and a union-organizing campaign that we both busted our butts for to the detriment of our personal stress levels -- and I can't fully blame him if it's been hard for him to tell me how much he cares. It's tough when a relationship is all about crises for a while because it also needs to be about joys and peace too. If he knew enough of me that he's still in love with me, we may have an opportunity to share some of that joy and peace. He may get to a point where he feels like telling me he adores me doesn't come with the price of having to share only suffering with me.

I am so getting in the space for joy and peace and celebration right now.

My concern is that you both put your education first (good thing) but didn't really deal with that.

You parted on ambiguous terms ... and somehow unless you deal with this one way or the other it will continue to cast doubts. It could even wreck your next relationship.

The point is from all you say it sounds like you were both pulling back, you had perosnal issues, your mother etc. and the knowledge he was looking for the post in Indiana. It makes me fell like both of your were deliberatly not trying to make the relationship work because of doubts of the future and how this would impact the future.

I'm not disagreeing with

"Pretty darn well..." Excuse me, but I think you deserve more than pretty darn well! You deserve to have someone adore you, and realize that you are the greatest thing for him since sliced bread!
I'm just saying you need to ask yourself if the reason for this was not artificially put up as a self defense mechanism because you couldn't deal with the real issues at that point.

I think that your present ambiguous relationship could be harmful, especially long term. If you start to think about him as a fallback then that certainly isn't healthy and in contrast to what a few people have said: he deserves better than this.

Of course I don't know the guy but from what you have said, you are the one who under the circumstances you called engineered the present situation. You left it ambiguous ... and he dated somemone else.

From a guy perscpective that is self defense!

You are a beautiful and intellegent women ... you may not have known at the time but her certainly knew you could have your choice of hundreds of guys.... and you were the one to call the time-out.

I think in the coming weeks, after your thesis is completed you need to resolve this one way or another. If you don't it will eat away at you. If you wait 12 weeks instead of 6 and he knows you have passed then don't be too surprised if he takes this as a signal that its over, remember guys have feelings and self esteem issues too, we just share them less! IMHO you need to tie the loose ends... and right now you have a hanging thread waiting to be unravelled.

You can cut it off or sew it back in.... but if you leave it sooner or later it will get caught.

Right now you have other proirities but the ambiguous part is not helping either of you IMHO.

I think you need to at least tie this loose thread off ... you can deal with cutting it or sewing it later but in real terms you should at least have a firm agreement about dating other people both ways. The thing is girls deal with this much better than guys and you are leaving him exposed and in a position where he might do something against his better judgement for defensive reasons.

You also don't mention if he's still seeing this new girl....and perhaps you don't know or even want to know?

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Well, actually, he was the one who moved out -- it was a complicated and messy and sudden situation I don't have time to go into right now. I have been a bit guarded in my posts about how deeply I care for him. I think the safest thing to say is that we had a really rough year last year -- we _both_ deserved better from the other, but there was a lot going on.

I think now, it's time for each of us to reflect on what we want and what we'd like to go differently -- we've both got old patterns that I think we need to change and break to really be healthy -- we spent a lot of time in counseling together and I do feel confident that he was honest with me about wanting to make changes in his life -- I think, now that we've had a chance to talk, I feel confident that he can see how determined I am to continue to make changes and improvements in my health.

I agree about the ambiguity being a problem. However, right now I really need to focus on myself -- and I know that he really needs to focus on himself. I think I did make it clear to him how much I care for him -- I am unlikely, in the space of three months, to get involved in anything that would threaten that -- for all my bravado about dating, I'm not really out there very much -- more interested in friends and my work than anything else. I think he knows that about me. I kind of have to assume that he's in the same position if he still feels as though he might want to restart our relationship.

Sometimes you just have to trust -- and right now, I think that's the best thing. Sure -- either one of us could meet someone else, but we were together a long time and were very serious about wanting to make a real commitment. That's not something that changes so very fast -- moreover, if we each really want it to work, we'll think twice about starting up something that could threaten that.

For all the advice about getting out there to meet the other fish in the sea -- well, I know those fish are there and if they want to come find me, they can. It's nice to know that I'm still appreciated as a dateable woman. However, I'm not going to wither into a bitter old spinster in three months. I'm not so insecure about my ability to attract men I'm interested in that it would be such a great loss.

I might add that, as I keep healing from the celiac AND the breakup, I kind of feel like I'm getting better and better, so it's nice to be in my cocoon for a while letting this process happen and letting my wounds heal -- there will be a time for me to bust out and be glorious again, but it's not right now. Then there'll be mischief on the horizon for some guy, I can assure you!

If he _doesn't_ know that I'm unlikely to seriously date other people right now, he does occasionally read this board and knows my username -- so he could know now! I may, after exams and such are done, get in touch with him to let him know that more clearly -- although Carla's advice is important too. Today is not the day for me to decide that, however. Today I need to be where I am and working on the things in front of me.

eleep

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