Feel Like I'm Sinking....

[anglepoise]

I am a 35 yr old female & have been strictly gluten-free since about last April. I'm not feeling much relief though. Over this past year, I have also weeded out other foods that I realized I was sensitive to, like corn, dairy, and soy. So here I am, leading a lifestyle like a monk. No alcohol, no smoking, & I exercise frequently. I eat fresh meat & veg, yet I still feel terrible. I also have Fibromyalgia. New symptoms seem to have arisen. I have cramping throughout my back, neck & arms. I have Raynoud's Syndrome, & with this being winter, it's flaring up constantly. I am a music teacher & am not even able to play my instruments now for any length of time due to pain & Raynaud's. I am lucky to be engaged to an incredible man, but I am very very depressed. I am terribly suicidal. Every day, I am fighting suicidal thoughts. I cut myself sometimes, when I just can't deal with the pain & frustration. I am terrified I'm going to commit suicide. I am living now for my fiance, who is aware of my pain & misery & who pleads with me not to kill myself.I try, but I am finding the most mundane tasks to be so difficult & painful. I try to reason with him, saying that if I am in so much pain, day & in & day out, does he really want me to continue on like that? I am pretty much housebound, since I give lessons from here, but even when I have free time, I dont have the strength to go anywhere or do anything other then maybe clean the house or watch tv. I am sorry to be so self-pitying, I just don't know what to do at this point. I sincerely want to stay alive, & to have a great life with my fiance. I don't want to be a drain on society though. I want to be fully functional. Doctors have put me on different meds, painfillers, anti-depressants. Nothing works.

OK, I've blathered on long enough.Thanks for listening.

angel

[angel-jd1]

Sounds like you REALLY need to find a good therapist to talk to. Issues like that do not arise out of nowhere and for no reason. Talk to a professional, that is their job to figure out where the feelings are comming from and why. Best wishes.

-Jessica

[rmmadden]

Your mental state can be an amazing tool toward healing/feeling better. Pick one thing each day that makes it worthwhile to get out of bed and focus on that (Your Fiancee sounds like a great incentive to stay alive for). If you can change your mental state/attitude then you can hopefully progress toward feeling better.

The old saying that no man (or woman) is an island couldn't be more true. It's not just about you. Others do care about you and would be crushed if you did something drastic. Make up your mind that you are going to do whatever it takes to live each day to its fullest and reflect upon the many gifts you have (Again, your fiancee). That in itself is worth living for.

Best of Luck!

Cleveland Bob

[mela14]

OK....you sound like I did a few years ago........Hang in there!! You will feel better but only if you take a better attitude. Depression will mess up your mind and not help your body to fight the best that it can. You have a lot of challenges to deal with. The fibro...(like me)...the food intolerances..(like me)...the depression ...(like me)....but take one at a time as it comes up. the first thing you have to do is accept the fact that you are different but still ....loveable! When we are in soooooooooo much pain we tend to think that we are not worthy but...you have to concentrate on all of the good things that you have to offer your fiance`! You are more than what ails you. When you are having a bad day....ride it out. Tomorrow will be a better day! Stay positive.

[WLJOHNSON]

Hi Angel,

I'm near tears after reading your story. I think to myself, so many of us have felt as you are feeling today. The cutting yourself is what grabbed me! Is there any possibility that you may have been abused as a child and have forgotten it? I ask because I didn't begin remembering my abuse until the age of 39, and then I started having fague memories, almost as in a dream. As I began to accept that I was the way I was for very specific reasons, because of things I went through, I began to get in touch with my spiritual path, and to be grateful that I was alive, since many victims of abuse do not survive to tell their stories. I'm 60 now and still working on living a life each day that contributes to society and focuses on my purposes for being here. I've dealt with food intolerances since the age of 8, but compared to depression and feelings of worthlessness, those issues are comparatively simple. I will be waiting to see your reply, and maybe we can talk further. Please email me at WLJOHNSON1@peoplepc.com if you'd like. Welda

[anglepoise]

Thanks, everyone, for responding. It helps me so much to hear your views. Yes, I have been in therapy from time to time over the years, but I don't know how much good it has done. In response to the question of abuse, I wasn't really abused my parents, just neglected as they struggled with their alcoholism. I was, though, raped in 1993 by a serial rapist in Southern Calif. He handcuffed me to a tree & did his thing. I managed to escape him that night & call the police. He was arrested & later I found out he was a serial rapist. But for some unknown reason, he was released from jail only after a few years, &within the week, murdered a girl, & now he's on death row. Anyway, I'm pretty haunted by that event, although I was cutting myself earlier on in life. I started when I was around 15.

I DON'T want to kill myself. When I find myself fantasizing about driving my car into the river, I try to tell myself that that act would cause pain to so many people. I value life, I respect life, I love life. I've been working on a degree in anthropology, the very study of human life, why on earth would I want to end mine??? I know it's a cop out & I hate myself for being so self-pitying, it is simply the overwhelming, constant, debilitating pain that brings me to the brink. MS & Lupus run in my family & I'm going to start testing for these conditions very soon. Suicide also runs in my family. Yesterday, after writing my note to this board, I called a suicide hotline & spoke to a lovely lady named Star, who was so patient & compassionate. Just to hear her voice helped so much. I am going to fight the impulses to harm myself. I am doing just that by writing this now. Sigh. If anything, I think just plain old curiousity will keep me going. I want to see what happens tomorrow!

love

angel

[aaascr]

Perhaps a more holistic doctor to help with the obvious symptoms? I, too have many other health issues (3 types of arthritis, many allergies, asthma, raynauds and now celiac disease) and totally understand where you're coming from. I am slowly getting back energy to where I can function again and it was with the help of an md who is also holistic minded. With all the medications I've tried over the years, it seems that natural/herbal supplements work best for me. Hang in there, and maybe give the holistic side a thought.

aa

[cdford]

Been there...

You sound much as I did when I first got sick. The fibromyalgia is painful, the days long and exhausting, the thought of life that way overwhelming.

There is good news for you. Your body is beginning to heal. I know that sounds strange, but it is true. I was totally disabled with the FMS, chronic fatigue, neuropathy, and so on by the time I was diagnosed. The winter before my diagnosis, my daughter was diagnosed. I went on the diet with her as an encouragement. I thought I was going to die with pain and everything else that winter. It was as though my whole body screamed every time the weather got even a little bad. What we now know is that for some of us who were so bad, the first few months after diagnosis can be a time when our bodies are going haywire trying to adjust. One of my doctors described it to me as my body acting as though it was addicted to the gluten and could not cope without the effects of it.

IT GETS BETTER. It took almost a year of being absolutely gluten-free in every way, but all the symptoms are better. Even the FMS and depression are better and it is January! In the meantime, ask your doctors to help you by treating the depression and the symptoms. You may find that you can ease off some of the meds later, but right now it sounds as though you need them...especially the anti-depressants.

You will also have to deal with your background. My first thought was the same as someone else's...when were you abused. You answered that question. Now you need to do like so many of us who have been there (yes, I was a rape victim so I do understand) and see that there is good ahead in life and refuse to let the past control the future. There will still be times when you break into that cold sweat because you see the flash of a knife and it takes a moment to register that it is just a table knife being used to add butter to a dish. There will still be a few nights when you find yourself waking in a panic until you realize that you are okay. There will gradually be more and more time between episodes. You can get there. With each week that passes by and you are slowly recuperating, you will get a little better. Setbacks, yes. Destroyed life, no. Simply choose not to let it happen.

If you know someone around you who is strong in their faith and you trust them, talk to them and ask them to pray for you. Let someone into your life who can help long term.

[mela14]

Just curious how long it took for the fibro pain to subside? Before I even knew about gluten I was diagnosed with fibro and have been treated for that for about 6-7 years. About a year ago they found that I have an IGG deficiency and have been treating me for that too with monthly immunoglubulin replacement therapy. I continued to complain about GI problems, diahrea, sick feeling, muscle pain, fatigue etc. I was told to see an infectious disease specialist because they couldn't understand why I was getting so many viruses! anyway, I'm starting to think that the gluten problem that went undiagnosed for years probably caused my immune system to weaken and eventually showed up in my IGG levels......just my thoughts. The thing is that I continue to have food challenges and occasionally have something that really gets me. As soon as I have a set back with the gut....the fibro flares up and causes a lot of pain. That's when the blues hit. I try to work through it and hope that in a few days it will be better. it's a viscious cycle.

i just wanted to know if your fibro is better and how long it took before you felt a change.

Thanks,

[cdford]

The fibro stuff hasn't gone away completely...probably won't since I have been so sick for so long. It has, however, mediated significantly. I actually have days when a few extra strength "tylenol" and a couple of pain pills keep it bearable. That would never have happened a year ago. Then it was eight pain pills, eight soma, and a bunch of other stuff just to get through a day.

I am the same way with the gut thing. If I so much as walk into the room with wheat dust flying around, I get sick and miserable. My daughter is the same way. We are learning to cope, it is just taking a while.

Once your body gets past the nasty stage where it over-reacts to everything, you should begin to see some progress. I was up and down like a roller coaster the first year.

Have you been tested for other allergies? You may want to really cut down the number of foods for a while and keep it truly simple while your body adjusts. If you do that, then you can tell quickly if you react to something when you add it back in.

Man, I hope you have as good a success story as I do a year or so from now. Until then, keep your chin up and stick with the diet. It is worth it in the long run. I am living proof.