cyoshimit's Blog

I am learning to accept that I am a sensitive person. And that I need to take care of my body. I am a painter and I recently found out that the medium that I work with that I thought would be harmless to me is actually harming me. I had a really rough morning today. Apparently my adreanal glands are working overtime on getting the lead that my body absorbed from when I paint. I was angry because I poisoned myself with the medium. When I first started painting I didn't think anything of the lead because it was such a small amount and I was told that it's safe as long as I don't eat it. But cuz I'm so sensitive it just being on my skin has affected me. Iv been painting with this stuff for a while. Blah anyway so I was upset because I poisoned myself then I forgave myself because i didn't know that it was affecting me like that. Then I got mad again because I felt like I could never paint again but that's not true I hv to change my medium or wear gloves when I paint. I just felt like poop today. Extemely tired. Fog lots of it today. Because I don't feel well it makes me depressed. Iv had depression for a long time since I was 12 iv been battleing with it. And I am hoping that when I get the gluten out of my system and my body heals and can absorb the nutrients iv lost that the depression will go away. It's so hard to keep my head up because I hate functioning at 10% or less I want to be 100%. That's whY bothers me alot. I get angry st the fact that I'm different. I know I hv to think about the future when I am healthy again but right now it's so hard to see it. It's Been six weeks and iv been out of school for almost three weeks. Anxiety is an issue and self esteem. I don't hv many friends that I can talk to because of the depression before the celiac iv just always pushed people away. I'm hoping that when this gets all cleared up that I can be social and excell in things I care about. I hope that my thinking get clearer and I'm able to function better and the anxiety will go away and that I can handle myself in the world. I have no clue how I would survive. Sometimes I think that I should check myself into a mental hospital because I see little improvement. My mom sees improvement so that's good. Sucks to be so weak and sick and my nephews hv to see me like this I hate bing vulnerable and I don't want them to see me sick. I try my best to help out with the kids but sometimes I'm just not in the mood or have enough energy to help out. I hope to someday find someone that won't think anything of all the craziness in my head and life. The being so sensitive to everything to the celiac to the depression to the anxiety. It scares me alot to think because of my age and the developmental things I'm missing out on that oher kids go through at this age that I'll be stunted and just be a freak. There is a lot to think about and I'm usually by myself thinking about these things. My mom would hv the patients to listento all this stuff. Iv seen differnt therapist so iv come to the conclusion that they don't work for me or that i hvmt fouls the right one yet. The fog is so frustrating. I couxldnt even draw anyhing decent!!! That upset me so much I ripped a hole in my book. I just hv to accept that I need to heal and it's going to take time. I just hv to stick it out. It will be ok. Just be patient and thing will work out fine. It will be ok. You can do this. Don't think of how your alone think of it as precious time to yourself that you need to heal and to get better.