cyoshimit's Blog

Today was a better day. Not so much fog. I tried to teach my nephew how to play chess. He is only three lol. So we made up most of the rules for his chess game. Had some ups and downs today. But the overall day was better than the past days. Around 4 pm I actually thought positive and for the future. I was making a shopping list for my mom and we were trying to plan the dinner for the week and how much would fit in the ice box. Then I said "maybe I can do the next grocery run ". It was a surprise to myself that I felt good like that. I wanted to too.

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The downs where the normal fatigue, weakness, fog, negetive thoughts. Nothing new. Just irratating. Hopefully I can get back to school soon and I won't hv anxiety or feel embarassed about things. My heAds not 100% yet havnt drawn or anything creative lately so hopefully that will get better. Still not able to listen and enjoy music yet. That usually happens when I get depressed. It goes away when I get better.

I watched parts of titanic tonight and the wedding crashers. I remeber when I first watched titanic I cried so much. I was young like in intermediate I think. I cried I totally felt the passion between Jack and Rose the romance. I think that I have felt that maybe once in my life and it ended just like in that movie. I want to feel like that again. For a while now love and relationships hv been such a hard thing for me to understand or feel. I just feel so much on the outside when it comes to something like that. I hv no idea how to explain it. I just don't understand it. I think that it's partly because of the personal challenges that iv gone through that hv kept me separate from relationships and friendships. My sister has a bf and has lots of good friends. I'm the opposite. Humans are social creatures by nature I feel like I don't belong anywhere fit in anywhere. It's confusing. I feel stunted in that sense. Maybe it's a maturity thing? I hvmt matured in that way yet? Idk.

Today was a better day tomorrow will be the same or better but not worse.