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Frustration. All I Want Is To Be Normal

Posted by , 09 December 2013 · 1,368 views

I figured it was time to vent through a blog post. Because I don't think anyone wants to keep hearing the same thing over and over again like a broken record.

Here is a little background...

In December of 2009 I slipped on an icy driveway before work and fractured my right kneecap into 3 pieces and dislocated it up and into my quadriceps muscle. I had surgery to fix it. 6 months later I fractured it again slipping and falling on slippery concrete by a friend's pool. Ironic, right? I had surgery to fix it. Mind you it takes physical therapy to get your range of motion back and learn to walk again. So I was in PT for a year dealing with this. March 2012 I had my third knee surgery to remove 6 screws and a piece of metal called a hubcap from my kneecap. It was being rejected by my body and causing great pain and limiting my range of motion.

After I had the metal taken out (2 screws are left) I regained my ability to work out. I started lifting weights and got addicted to it. I was asked several times if I competed in the gym. I was always flattered and said no. But I really got the bug and want to compete in bikini or figure divisions. I was set on that course until I figured out I had Celiac Disease.

I was working out with my trainer and not getting anywhere with my abdomen. My diet was on point, my cardio was nailed down and I was lifting. There was no reason why I should look pregnant. So I got tested for gluten. Bam, nailed it! So gluten free diet is not so bad. Really, it is not when you consider most fitness competition prep diets are naturally gluten free. We do not eat much processed food and very little carbs during prep. Brown rice, sweet potato, tilapia, peanut butter, veggies and protein powder is pretty much what people survive on. But it's still a pain in the ass. I have cheat/treat days. I want to be normal when I'm around family. Holidays are rough. This is my first holiday season. Ironically, I used to bake a lot! I loved to bake cupcakes and bring them to work for people on their birthdays, for holidays. It brought me a lot of joy to see other people's faces light up when eating one of my creations. I enjoyed one as the taster but usually that is all I'd eat. Now with gluten-free baking you have to have a crapload of different flours. I don't have the finances after purging my kitchen to buy them all at once. So slowly I'm getting a flour at a time. So far I have white rice flour, coconut flour, xantham gum and guar gum.
The store AP mixes are appealing, but they cost a lot. I want to make my own. It will take time and money of which I have little of these days.

Back to training. I've been gluten free since October 25th. I'm still having diarrhea. In fact if I do not take my psyllium husk it is out of control with cramps that just don't go away. I was told by my doctor and by several on the forum that I need to change my training regime. What?! I do not think you understand what you are asking. I need the gym. I don't know what to do without it. This damned disease has taken over my life. I don't want to give up the only thing that brings me joy right now. I sit here at my desk between bouts of nausea and bathroom trips writing this because I called in sick today. This is a problem. I don't think I was glutened. I have gone over all the things I have eaten this weekend and everything checks out. So the only thing I can think of is that I am stressing my body too much. I get it. I do. It's like telling a smoker to quit cold turkey. I need a patch.

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it's a big change!  it IS stressful!  cut yourself some slack, sweetie, and give it some time.  i don't know how long your celiac was 'activated' (by your injury?  i am guessing?) but you have had it for awhile and it's been busy tearing up your guts.  i suffered with mine for 25 years, and i am at year 3 gluten free - still healing - i know this because things keep *improving*   <we already have a poop thread lolz)  for 25 years worth of damage, i think 3 plus years to reverse it is feasible.  i'm sorry you're having a rough time but you don't sound like anybody who is gonna let this thing beat you.  take a nap, lick your wounds, there'll be time to be strong later.  even God rested.  and He's, like, well...  God  :)  and you are young!  i wasted very many years feeling like sh*t so be glad you know what the enemy is and what to do to beat it.  we're all here, sweetie, we know where you're coming from.  now, chin up and all that...  (((hugs))))  it'll be ok,

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Thank you for the hugs. I don't like being the 'woe is me' type. It bothers me that my insides are not as strong as my outside looks. 


I will try to rest. I'm in the process of suspending my contract with my personal trainer so I can get serious with the resting business. It pains me though to do it.

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I so feel for you :( I'm lucky enough to be able to carry on with my aerial and pole but my stomach can't handle being jiggled around on long runs yet, and my GP pretty much ordered me to cut back on the running/cardio for the first few months of iron supplements while they tried to fix the anaemia. I'm so pissed because I used to hate running and worked so hard just to be able to do it, and now all that stamina is slipping away. 

What is keeping me going through it is that I was always a slow runner before and it seems likely that I'll eventually get faster for having good iron levels and a better body generally. 

Is there any lighter exercise (or maybe a class?) you could do while you're resting? I know what it's like to crash out of a training plan and suddenly be missing all those little endorphins (and God knows we all need them just after diagnosis ;)

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Thanks! I know that this is the best option for me.. I need to rest. People are pretty much shouting it at me and my body is going into full on freak out mode (I was up all night in the bathroom -- ugh).


So I called and need to get my doctor to sign a waiver so I can cancel my contract with my trainer. that is a pain but hopefully she will do it.


I can do yoga at my gym.. I may do that. I will be lifting still... but will go easy on it. No cardio until diarrhea has resolved.

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i'm not a body builder and i barely work out, but i had to give up my career :(  i am a freight broker (a *natural* as i was brought up in the trucking industry - cut me, i bleed diesel lolz) i tried working from home, but found i was not interested in eating when i was making deals (can't munch in the customer's ear) and it's constant busy if you're doing it right.  stress off the charts <which turns my insides to goo)  i can't afford to lose any weight.  at all.  so, here i am (i babysit the grand kids) (woo hoo....)  the extra $ was nice, but not worth ending up in the hospital or starving to death  :( 


"bonnie parker" has been sidelined.  i'm sure they will find another nickname for me.  right now, it's "meemo"  <backwoods tennessee for grandma  :)

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I'm sorry you had to give up your career. That would be just as hard if not harder! I was on disability for over 6 months due to my knee and my depression set in so bad because I felt worthless. Now I know that isn't the case but being a strong woman I knew I wanted to be self-sufficient and I just couldn't. It was a rough time. 


I'm glad you were smart and decided to do it for your health. Being meemo is important too! I am Mimi to my niece and nephew. Being around the kids somehow makes your issues less apparent because they are so wonderful and genuine. My niece and nephew (4 and 2) came over last night and spent time with me. Running after the cats and spinning around in circles and laughing. Brought me a lot of joy.

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I'm still the little (literally) baby in the family that everyone is trying to feed up, even more so now. Someone needs to have some babies and get me off the hook... 

Yoga sounds really good! Hopefully it might help a little on the emotional side of things too. Well done for making the decision to cut back - that takes a lot of strength, too :) 

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I am the baby of my family too as far as siblings go. Thankfully my sister had kids. But that doesn't mean my mom doesn't nag us other 3 for grandbabies! I am not even married and she wants me to have babies for her! Haha they get baby fever or something!


Hopefully some can get you off the hook soon! 


Thanks... I should have taken time off sooner but I was stubborn about it. Thanks for your support. :)

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