The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[blueeyedmanda]

BTW the Yeti looks amazing!

[elye]

Check this out!

Open Original Shared Link

Oh my Gawwwwd......

Green guy emoticon, PLEASE!!

[Darn210]

Slow Monday . . . here's some sillies:

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[blueeyedmanda]

Slow Monday . . . here's some sillies:

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

LOL

[Mtndog]

Tis a verrry slow Monday indeed! Wow! Everyone must be tired from the wedding. I know I am!!!!!!!!

OK- Sarah- that article was priceless!Pick your nose and eat snot to stay healthy!

Well- apparently, my niece knows what she was doing! Was going through pictures from my family birthday party yesterday and found this

<--------------------------------------------------------- (new avatar)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Ridgewalker]

Yeah, Ezra should be very healthy too. I say, Ezra! Quit eating boogers!

He says he likes them.

[elye]

You survived your fortieth, Bev! Excellent...

Hilarious...Here is one of the gems from this very funny English book I dug up from our basement. Hard to categorize, this book. It's a collection of bizarre thoughts, facts, political satire...

THE OPEN UNIVERSITY: CONTEMPORARY STUDIES

Continuous Assessment Course for May

SECTION 1: HUMANITIES © VISUAL SEMIOLOGY

Explain any two of the following:

1) Why the tops of newspaper columnists' heads are always missing from their photographs

2) The rush of passengers to block the aisle of a recently landed aircraft when they're going to have to wait an hour in the terminal for their baggage anyway

3) Why shoe stores stopped selling shoelaces

[Jestgar]

Open Original Shared Link

let's do this next

[DingoGirl]

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

those two are my faves

Well- apparently, my niece knows what she was doing! Was going through pictures from my family birthday party yesterday and found this

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oh EXCELLENT, she is building her immune system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLOW MONDAY INDEED!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, Ezra should be very healthy too. I say, Ezra! Quit eating boogers!

He says he likes them.

oh dear gawd

3) Why shoe stores stopped selling shoelaces

Open Original Shared Link

let's do this next

OMG - riveting :lol:

Jess - still trying to figure out if that's YOU in your av..........?

been busy exploiting my dogs for ebay........makes me laugh SO hard as I pose them w/ various things - now they are fragrance models

:lol:

[Darn210]

been busy exploiting my dogs for ebay........makes me laugh SO hard as I pose them w/ various things - now they are fragrance models

:lol:

Hey everybody, what do you think of the purse in my av? Found it on ebay . . . it comes with a dog. How high do you think I should bid?

[DingoGirl]

Hey everybody, what do you think of the purse in my av? Found it on ebay . . . it comes with a dog. How high do you think I should bid?

ohhhhhhhhh my

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

why you little STINKER!!!!!!!!!! (and I do mean Janet, not my model/dog)..................

a big GUFFAW from me, seeing that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did you check my other listings? check the deMarkoff perfume......................I am cracking myself up...........

where is everyone today? Geez, I guess we ARE all tuckered out from teh weekend's festivities.....really seems like just a.......blur, doesn't it?

[Darn210]

where is everyone today? Geez, I guess we ARE all tuckered out from teh weekend's festivities.....really seems like just a.......blur, doesn't it?

Tis true, Tis true . . . I must have had too much champaigne . . . I don't remember anything after Amanda danced with the Yeti. Of course, thank goodness that was after Emily challenged Chuck Norris to a thumb wrestle. I would have hated to forget that and I heard that Ashley and Lance were making out again - not something I would want to remember so that must have been later on. The moment of silence for Robert Goulet was a nice touch.

[Ridgewalker]

I want to be this woman when I grow up.

Bounced Check

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86

year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have

published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three

nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and

the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for

only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity,and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident

has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls

and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the

impersonal, over-charging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your

bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will

therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at

your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an

employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other

person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your

chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as

much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no

alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of

his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)

must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with

a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I

have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to

access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

# 5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to

nature.

# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7 To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my

computer is required. Password will be communicated to you

at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1

through 7.

# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will

then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering

service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting

music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy

an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)

[blueeyedmanda]

I am keeping my fingers crossed for a fast Tuesday and Weds so I can start my honeymoon!

[Mtndog]

OMG- Human Tetris- I'd be dead in 2 seconds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: That would be SO funny!!!!!!!!

Janet- You are hysterical :lol: Nice purse. You should bring it to the next pah-tay!

I'm still so tired....no funnies on the brain!!!

[blueeyedmanda]

I do love the purse!

[jerseyangel]

Amanda--I'm enjoying your pictures Hope these next two days fly by

[Darn210]

Helllooooo Susie . . . I see you. I have to ask . . . WTH were you doing up at 4:00 am???!!!!???

I saw you had posted on your Annie thread at an ungodly hour!! I knew Sandy would respond. Sounds like she knows what she's talking about. How far of a commute would that be for ya'?

[elye]

HEY! Where's the Annie thread? I must go search...Man, I gotta get on other threads. Important details are passing me by...!

[blueeyedmanda]

Amanda--I'm enjoying your pictures Hope these next two days fly by

I can't wait either!! We are going to check out the Tastings Restaurant at the Pittsford Wegmans. I just called there and they were wonderful. They are faxing me over a menu of all gluten-free stuff. Plus they said they could always run in the store to get things to accomodate gluten-free too. I am excited.

[blueeyedmanda]

dupl...sorry. Internet at work is not my friend today

[Mtndog]

Yeah- honeymoon time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :wub: :wub:

[blueeyedmanda]

I can't wait!!! and it is snowing in NY where we aregoing :) John will be delighted

[nikki-uk]

Loving Amanda's pics (and there's Mr Amanda at last!!)

HUMAN TETRIS???..........looks great fun - crazy Japanese games

Sarah's 'Blank Chequeck'

OMG!!! DOGS ON EBAY!!!!!!!!!...........I dunno ...the very lengths Susie will go, the sheer trauma of a photo shoot on the girls (took hours! ...lighting and such.....she's a perfectionist )....how will the girls cope with the fame now ...everyone recognising them at the orchard????????

OK - This jokes is for Amanda

WHO'S THE BOSS?

**********************

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"

She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[jerseyangel]

"That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Good one!