Family

[deesmith]

I've been going through some tough times lately. My job was really stressful and quite honestly a bad place to work. But that's not why I'm posting....

Long, long story, but I walked out one day when I couldn't take it anymore. I knew how stupid it was because I am the sole provider and need a job. So I have been out of work and no unemployment, no social help, since the end of October.

Oh, I think I'm very employable, an MBA and all that. But I found out that my previous employer is giving a bad reference. Understandable to some because I left. But I had talked to my supervisor and complained about a coworker's bad behavior prior to my leaving. My supervisor kept saying I had a great work ethic, etc. etc. but we all needed to get along and I needed to be friends with her.... blah, blah. But again, this isn't really about my job.

I have come to the point where I can't live on zero income and all my money has been dwindling away. My daughter has been asking me to move in with her for now. She lives in Nashua, NH. I told her at Christmas, when she came home, that I would and we'd have to make a plan about the moving.

My biggest issue, and why I'm posting, is that my daughter does not like to hear about Celiac disease. She says that's all I talk about. However, we don't see each other that often, and when we do, eating is always involved. For instance, holidays, or we're visiting and she wants to take me out to dinner. So I have to bring it up. My son (in college) is very good about it and getting better. He said he doesn't think he has it but may get tested later on down the road. There is a 5 year age span with the kids and my daughter was home only some of the time that I was really sick. I got so much worse after she left home and my son saw all of that. That's why he's more understanding.

The funny thing is I think my daughter has it. She doesn't have the gastro symptoms so she thinks I'm crazy to even think she might. But, she has Raynaud's disease, bone pain in hips, she's always tested anemic, and she's always tired. She's only 26 and I mean she's ALWAYS tired. You know, like us celiacs when glutened!!

I'm so afraid of getting sick if I move in there. I'm very, very sensitive to cross contamination. I was sick for 2 weeks because my son has been home and brought it in the house. He saw what was going on and he said that won't happen again. He said he's so sorry he used my plates for his gluten! I said that's ok, the plates are washable. He just needs to clean up the crumbs better on my shelves! He said he won't have it in the house again.

Most of my siblings act like it's something I made up and it's all in my head- celiac disease. And let me tell you, I have 6 siblings. Of the six, one has Lupus, one has RA, one has unexplained anemia. And only 1 of the six has gone gluten free like me. She is self-diagnosed. She weighs about 90 pounds. Anyway, I think my daughter has the same attitude as most of my family.

So how can I convince her how serious this is?

Sorry to rant on and on.

Thanks.

Dee

[JNBunnie1]

Sounds like you're in a tough position. Have you spoken with your daughter about how sick you were? Perhaps a reference to this board and some literature might help her understand how serious this is for you and how careful you need to be. Do you think she feels like you're trying to 'convert' her and she's getting defensive?

May I ask, is your daughter inviting you to live with her in sort of a 'martyr' kind of way, or does she truly want to help you get back on your feet? If it's the latter, then she may be very understanding about what needs to happen in her home. If it's the former, maybe you need to talk about that more than you need to talk about celiac.

[mamaw]

Hello

As sorry as I am & hate to say it but many families are just like yours! Mine included.......to save the life of me I can't understand when relatives know this runs in families why they are so against finding out for their own health & well being. I guess maybe its because if you don't talk or mention it - it is not real or true.but that doesn't keep one from being celiac......I have family members who are so sick & never get a true dx's but will not budge on getting tested for celiac. Again they may not want to change their eating habits.

The only thing you can do is to take care of yourself & leave an open door just in case one of them wake up & start asking questions.......

I help many strangers in a support group I founded but can't get siblings to get tested! One was just operated on for intestinal cancer.... they are now pondering gluten & wheat may be the cause......

I pass out educational material all the time .......

good luck

mamaw

[deesmith]

Sounds like you're in a tough position. Have you spoken with your daughter about how sick you were? Perhaps a reference to this board and some literature might help her understand how serious this is for you and how careful you need to be. Do you think she feels like you're trying to 'convert' her and she's getting defensive?

May I ask, is your daughter inviting you to live with her in sort of a 'martyr' kind of way, or does she truly want to help you get back on your feet? If it's the latter, then she may be very understanding about what needs to happen in her home. If it's the former, maybe you need to talk about that more than you need to talk about celiac.

Thank you for the reply. I think you're right about my daughter. Well, I know you're right. She thinks I'm trying to convert her and she doesn't want any part of it. I'll try to be more patient.

I think that she truly wants to help. She has a big heart and is always helping others.

Maybe this will help her as well. Maybe being around it and learning about the diet, etc. will allow her to be more open about it.

Thanks.

[deesmith]

Hello

As sorry as I am & hate to say it but many families are just like yours! Mine included.......to save the life of me I can't understand when relatives know this runs in families why they are so against finding out for their own health & well being. I guess maybe its because if you don't talk or mention it - it is not real or true.but that doesn't keep one from being celiac......I have family members who are so sick & never get a true dx's but will not budge on getting tested for celiac. Again they may not want to change their eating habits.

The only thing you can do is to take care of yourself & leave an open door just in case one of them wake up & start asking questions.......

I help many strangers in a support group I founded but can't get siblings to get tested! One was just operated on for intestinal cancer.... they are now pondering gluten & wheat may be the cause......

I pass out educational material all the time .......

good luck

mamaw

Hi. Thanks for the reply. Don't families drive you crazy sometimes? I've seen a lot of others write on the board that their families are like this too. It's too bad.

As you said, all we can do is be there to offer support and education when they need it and/or come to us.

Dee

[rumbles]

Dee,

I had one hugh stroke of luck shortly after I found out I had celiac disease,

and I hope that you wind up with the same kind of luck.

At the time that I found out what was making me so sick, my husband was

living with near constant back pain; being in his mid-50s, he figured this was

a part of aging. When I told him that I'd have to be on a gluten free diet, he

told me that I'd have my food, and he'd have his, meaning that he had no

intentions of going gluten free. Since I do the shopping and cooking, that

lasted about a week-and-a-half. He wound up going gluten free without

realizing it, and four days later, all of his back problems were completely

gone. It's been three years, - he's never once wanted to go back to eating

gluten again. With a little luck, your daughter may have the same experience.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Can you work out a compromise with your daughter? Agree that you will not discuss celiac with her if she agrees to make sure that you don't suffer from cc in her house (and you'll have to remember that it is HER house, not yours--very tough for any grown-up to have to deal with).

If she wants you to have meals together, act like you think it's a marvelous idea, and offer to do ALL the cooking for them, but ask very sweetly if she would mind very much if you make everything gluten-free--will she eat gluten-free pasta, etc? Tell her you understand that she is not gluten-free, but that you need to be.

Keep your foods and cooking utensils totally separate--in your room if you have to. Get a small, separate fridge to keep things like butter and jelly (easily cc-able) in, and keep your own peanut butter in your room--have some special shelves for your food.

If you see her eating gluten--SAY NOTHING. And don't look critical or ticked off about it, either.

It's very difficult for a mom to keep a shut mouth when you KNOW what is causing your daughter's physical problems. But that might be the best --or only--way for her to come to terms with it--on her own. You know how it is--assume she'll do the opposite of whatever you suggest!

Good luck and happy new year.

[JNBunnie1]

Can you work out a compromise with your daughter? Agree that you will not discuss celiac with her if she agrees to make sure that you don't suffer from cc in her house (and you'll have to remember that it is HER house, not yours--very tough for any grown-up to have to deal with).

If she wants you to have meals together, act like you think it's a marvelous idea, and offer to do ALL the cooking for them, but ask very sweetly if she would mind very much if you make everything gluten-free--will she eat gluten-free pasta, etc? Tell her you understand that she is not gluten-free, but that you need to be.

Keep your foods and cooking utensils totally separate--in your room if you have to. Get a small, separate fridge to keep things like butter and jelly (easily cc-able) in, and keep your own peanut butter in your room--have some special shelves for your food.

If you see her eating gluten--SAY NOTHING. And don't look critical or ticked off about it, either.

It's very difficult for a mom to keep a shut mouth when you KNOW what is causing your daughter's physical problems. But that might be the best --or only--way for her to come to terms with it--on her own. You know how it is--assume she'll do the opposite of whatever you suggest!

Good luck and happy new year.

This is really good advice!

[deesmith]

Dee,

I had one hugh stroke of luck shortly after I found out I had celiac disease,

and I hope that you wind up with the same kind of luck.

At the time that I found out what was making me so sick, my husband was

living with near constant back pain; being in his mid-50s, he figured this was

a part of aging. When I told him that I'd have to be on a gluten free diet, he

told me that I'd have my food, and he'd have his, meaning that he had no

intentions of going gluten free. Since I do the shopping and cooking, that

lasted about a week-and-a-half. He wound up going gluten free without

realizing it, and four days later, all of his back problems were completely

gone. It's been three years, - he's never once wanted to go back to eating

gluten again. With a little luck, your daughter may have the same experience.

With luck, this may happen. If she's gluten free long enough, she may notice a difference. That's really good about your husband! Now you can be gluten free together.

[deesmith]

Can you work out a compromise with your daughter? Agree that you will not discuss celiac with her if she agrees to make sure that you don't suffer from cc in her house (and you'll have to remember that it is HER house, not yours--very tough for any grown-up to have to deal with).

If she wants you to have meals together, act like you think it's a marvelous idea, and offer to do ALL the cooking for them, but ask very sweetly if she would mind very much if you make everything gluten-free--will she eat gluten-free pasta, etc? Tell her you understand that she is not gluten-free, but that you need to be.

Keep your foods and cooking utensils totally separate--in your room if you have to. Get a small, separate fridge to keep things like butter and jelly (easily cc-able) in, and keep your own peanut butter in your room--have some special shelves for your food.

If you see her eating gluten--SAY NOTHING. And don't look critical or ticked off about it, either.

It's very difficult for a mom to keep a shut mouth when you KNOW what is causing your daughter's physical problems. But that might be the best --or only--way for her to come to terms with it--on her own. You know how it is--assume she'll do the opposite of whatever you suggest!

Good luck and happy new year.

Thanks for the great advice. I think I'll print this and take it with me! Thank you.