Why Didn't I Post This Before? Funny Article

[celiac3270]

I've had this for at least two weeks and I never thought to post it here. This is a particularly humorous article about bread. Especially appropriate for us :

Open Original Shared Link

Bread: The Half-Baked Truth Revealed

 

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread

99.7 percent of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident

93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently

Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 80 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

No sale of bread to minors.

A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

[Guest nini]

THAT is hysterical!!!! Thanks!!!!

[KaitiUSA]

That cracks me up...I'll be sharing that with alot of people I know...thanks celiac3270

[Guest Viola]

That is very funny Thanks celiac3270

[Rikki Tikki]

Thanks celiac3270, you made me laugh!

[Guest ajlauer]

haha! My dad must've read that before. If you get into a "marijuana is bad because... " conversation with him, he'll rattle off all those statistics - but with milk as being the culprit. You know.... half of all felons have smoked marijuana, but 99.9% have dranken milk... everyone who has tried cocaine drank a glass of milk as a child.... etc..

This post will probably get deleted. lol.

[Rikki Tikki]

Hi Ajlauer:

I don't know it made me snicker!

[celiac3270]

Nope--won't be deleted ....you can use these facts to twist arguments about almost anything .