Dh Wants To Let Ds "cheat"

[redheadheather]

This is fairly new to us... but... I would like to take the "hard core" (as DH calls it) approach and take DS off gluten completely. He says that his granmother and my grandmother both lived to be in their 80s... my Mom appears fine as does DS... he should be able to "cheat" once in a while if he's "faithful" the rest (like if he has a birthday party to go to, et.). How do I show DH that this is NOT a good idea? He wont take my word for it. He says that even if it does damage, it's minimal damage b/c of the family history of people eating gluten all their lives and being sick at the end... he thinks if DS "mostly" follows the dietary restrictions - he'll be OK b/c less damage will be done. He doesn't want the other kids in school/friends to think I DS as "the sick kid" that can't eat "regular" food (i.e., if he sleeps over, has a party to go to etc)...

What should I do to convince him? We have an appointment w/a nutritionist... but after reading your posts, I'm not all conviced this person will know what s/he is talking about completely.

Thanks!

[tarnalberry]

Cheating as often as once a month has been shown to be equivalent to not following the diet at all in terms of long-term adverse events. If he wants to increase your sons risk of intestinal cancer, lymphoma, type 1 diabetes, other auto-immune conditions, anemia, osteoporosis, and - on average - shorten his lifespan by 10 years, then yeah, cheating's alright. Otherwise, no.

[KaitiUSA]

If what Tiffany said does not scare him enough then I do not know what will. Even minimal amounts of gluten can cause major damage and not allow him to heal properly. As the previous post says, minimal amounts of gluten as frequent as once a month has been shown to be like not even following the diet.

40-100 times more likely for cancer, and other life threatening and disabling things, 10 years off your life-I mean wow that stuff is not something to take lightly.

Have him get on here and read some of the information for himself. Either he doesn't understand celiac or he doesn't want to. Try to print out some info for him to read about stats if the diet is not followed.

[gf4life]

Does your son get sick with obvious symptoms when he eats gluten? If he does, then this alone should show your husband that your son should not cheat, or he will be sick for at least a few days. It just isn't worth it.

It is not fair to him to allow him to cheat anyhow. You know it is hurting his body and as his parents it is your job to help him to be healthy. He needs to be shown how to be gluten free and how to avoid gluten all the time. It sends mixed messages to him to allow gluten sometimes.

I recommend that you get a book called Kids with Celiac Disease: A Family Guide to Raising Happy, Healthy, Gluten-Free Children by Danna Korn. Keep in mind though that it is written by a mother who does not also need the diet and it is more from the view point of a gluten free child being raised in a family where no one else has to be gluten free. There is a chapter on cheating. It is mostly about how to haldle it when the child cheats, but does talk about how bad it is for the child when the parent allows cheating.

Danna Korn also has another one called Wheat Free, Worry Free and it is excellent. I much prefer it since it talks about all aspects of gluten sensitivity, gluten intolerance, and Celiac Disease. It is not just about kids issues. Both are great to have in your gluten free library for reference.

God bless,

Mariann

[Guest nini]

There are enough "normal" foods that are gluten free, that your son does not ever have to be "the sick kid who can't eat normal food"... This site is a wealth of information on really great mainstream products and gluten free replacement products... A little planning on your part and the other kids won't even have a clue. Teach your son to have ownership of his diet.

If I can teach a 3 year old to do it, anyone can. She's 5 now and does great with it. I pack her lunches for school and make them as "normal" kid food as possible. When the other kids see her eating her lunch, and her snacks they don't have a clue that it's "special" or different. When she goes to birthday parties, I call the parents ahead of time and find out what they are serving and then send a lunch bag with her that has gluten-free versions of whatever the party foods are. Including cupcakes for her when the kids are having cake. I even find out if the ice cream they are serving is gluten-free so she knows ahead of time if she can have it or not.

As far as your husband is concerned in wanting to allow him to cheat... SHAME ON HIM. Yes this is serious. If your son doesn't get sick when he eats food with gluten, he's still damaging his insides. If he does get sick when he eats gluten, then why on earth would his father want to put him through that just so he can be "normal"????? Tell him to get a grip on reality. Teach him and your son to be responsible about this. It's for life.

[Hennessey]

This is fairly new to us... but... I would like to take the "hard core" (as DH calls it) approach and take DS off gluten completely.  He says that his granmother and my grandmother both lived to be in their 80s... my Mom appears fine as does DS... he should be able to "cheat" once in a while if he's "faithful" the rest (like if he has a birthday party to go to, et.).  How do I show DH that this is NOT a good idea?  He wont take my word for it.  He says that even if it does damage, it's minimal damage b/c of the family history of people eating gluten all their lives and being sick at the end... he thinks if DS "mostly" follows the dietary restrictions - he'll be OK b/c less damage will be done.  He doesn't want the other kids in school/friends to think I DS as "the sick kid" that can't eat "regular" food (i.e., if he sleeps over, has a party to go to etc)...

What should I do to convince him?  We have an appointment w/a nutritionist... but after reading your posts, I'm not all conviced this person will know what s/he is talking about completely.

Thanks!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My son has numerous allergies, with epi-pen. My son was left with my husband, I went out for 1 hour....1 hour....and told him what to feed him.....oh please....sorry I am on a roll tonight...to make a long story short. my son was fed wheat pasta.....totally broke out....oh my husband and I can't even say Dear or darling whatever DH really means cause I am so upset right now, he fed it to him because he thought it was exclusively his pasta.......HELLO....do i have to write it down after telling him what to feed him....you need to get your husband on track period!! My son is all broken out, gave him benadryl, he has an epi-pen (that was what I was waiting for next, like I said numerous allergies) your hubby has to get on track with you and your son's illness, it shouldn't be taken lightly, especially if your son feels like crap after eating such things that he shouldn't, who cares what other people think??? There are plenty of "NORMAL" snacks that your son can have if he go's to a party!! Sorry to sound crabby but I guess I had a bad night with my so called DH,..ha ha.....see how long that lasts....)(kidding) Good luck to you, I know how tough it is when you are on your own and have others straggling behind.

[Jnkmnky]

What connection is your husband not making? I mean that in a very nice way. I can only assume that he is missing a piece of critical information concerning Celiac Disease. Is he in denial? That's a reasonable way to feel initially. Does he realize Celiac disease is not an allergy? That is is an autoimmune disease? Here's not "normal". A young man who has Celiac disease can suffer from delayed puberty if he is messing around with his diet. Would delayed puberty and delayed secondary male characteristics be enough of an incentive to stick to the diet? You think kids can be rough when you're eating a gluten free pizza?! How about it you're not hitting puberty's milestones in a timely fashion? I sympathize with your husband because he's essentially looking for "a way out of this dx". That's understandable. He has to know that he cannot save his child from the stigma of eating "different" foods at playdates and birthday parties. His son won't need him to save him from this -weird diet- if he decided to help his son feel confident and secure with his dietary restrictions.

My 7 year old son is FINE and proud of his disease. He thinks he's hot stuff because people make a fuss over him. The other school kids try to be the first to inform anyone, including ME that my child needs to eat gluten free foods. If they have a sub---- she'll let me know every child in the class made sure my son didn't get "poisoned" by her. My son has a bunch of gluten free awareness shirts he wears with pride. He brings a special box to school with gluten free treats, snacks, etc for special occasions. He gets to go pick one out whenever there's a class thingy going on. He loves that. Most importantly*** He's healthy and feels good. Being sick sucks. It's not worth a piece of some other kid's birthday cake. I wouldn't sacrifice a minute of my own good health to -fit in and be normal-. Why on earth would your husband feel he needs to make that decison for his own child. He's teaching him to injure himself in order to fit in? That's not a good decison.

Obviously, your husband is upset about the lose this dx represents. He just hasn't found all the good stuff this dx represents. Some perspective is important. I think your husband needs to find a better role in your son's dx. He can't be the guy who let him have chocolate cake at another kid's birthday party. Ultimately, that's not really a good role to take. Someone posted this link a few months ago

Open Original Shared Link They have lots of cute shirts for kids. My son was psyched to get his! Maybe your husband can get matching ones and wear them out together with your son?

[Canadian Karen]

Sounds like your husband wants to be the "good parent" while you have to take on the role of being the "bad parent" because you have to lay down the law. This type of behaviour by your husband is only going to cause your son to develop favourtism, and it is not healthy (not only from a celiac standpoint, but from a father/son vs. mother/son relationship standpoint....)

Google up "refractory celiac sprue", print it out, show it to your husband and ask him does he seriously want to increase the risk of your child developing it.......

Good luck!

Karen

[rgeelan]

Our son is 4 now and he has learned the hard way that he does not want to cheat on his diet!! He proudly announces to anyone who offers him food that he can't have wheat! He learned the hard way what cheating does to him and at a bad time. The night my water broke with Sarah (I was 33 weeks) we had the neighbors watch the kids for us while my DH and I went to the hospital. Well they gave Emma a cookie to calm her when daddy and mommy left and Emma had left 1/2 the cookie in Williams room and at some point he found it and ate it! Don't know why, he just did! Within a few hours he was throwing up and mommy and daddy were both at the hospital so he only had our neighbor to comfort him... Ask him now if he wants something with gluten in it and he will tell you no because it makes him sick and he doesn't like to be sick!

[phakephur]

What connection is your husband not making? I mean that in a very nice way. I can only assume that he is missing a piece of critical information concerning Celiac Disease. Is he in denial?

If he's looked over this board at all, particularly the coping and restaurant sections, he may have concluded that even people who try to be compliant get into gluten with some regularity. Not the same member in every post, but he may be thinking that gluten is unavoidable, so why bother, just let the boy cheat sometimes.

Just a thought

Karen's right. You need to present a united front.

um, btw, has your husband been tested?

Sarah

[Jnkmnky]

Well, she says her dh doesn't want her kid to be "the sick kid" in front of his friends at sleepovers and other social gatherings. I have to believe a dad in this position may feel that his child is going to look weak, be picked on, and not be accepted by the other kids because of the disease. I think the dad wants what's best for his kid, but he's limiting his thinking to the negative aspects of celiac disease and the impact it will have on his socializing. He's not considering that AFTER the playdate/birthday parties, etc...when all the kids go home, his kid will go home and be very sick from trying to be something he's not. I sympathize with this dad. I know I had these feelings rear their nasty selves in my mind at my son's dx. It's not a crime to be in denial and to try and control a disease that ...well, has all the control. I think it's ok to take it easy on this dad, see where he's coming from (I think he's in denial and feeling helpless so he's trying to see how he can minimize the effects of celiac disease on his kid. Make life "normal" again and ignore the disease when it is inconvenient). I also think it's important to get dad on the bandwagon fully. Not drag him along and force him to deal. He needs to be fully on board to support his son's self-esteem. If he's telling his kid that the disease is inconvenient, it's ok to hurt yourself in order to fit in, don't bother other people with it...then the child will grow up resenting his disease and ultimately all this sabotage will cause crippling harm. Dad ability to deal, is vital to his son's life-long self image and self care.

[ianm]

Maybe your DH needs to hear a man's perspective on this. My son has a friend with very severe celiac disease (both age 9). This child is not the "weird kid" nor is he singled out or ostracized in any way. All of his friends understand the problem and are actually quite protective of him. My son and this child were at a birthday party and the birthday boy's mom was trying to force this kid to eat pizza and cake. Fortunately I was there and able to intervene and stop this idiot mom from sending this kid to the hospital.

I am the one with celiac disease and your DH doesn't understand what he could be condemning his son to a life of. Does DH want this kid to suffer a life of chronic fatigue, brain fog, weight gain, diabetes, increased risk of cancer, a career that was nearly destroyed because of it? Does he have a week free so I can tell him more?

Some people just don't get it. My ex-wife didn't and that is why she is now an ex. That is pretty harsh and extreme but sometimes that is just the way it has to be. DH is is denial and just playing games with you and your son's health. celiac disease is nothing to be screwing around with.

[redheadheather]

Well, after DH asked me about letting DS "cheat", I showed him some facts (both from here and books)... then... I left for a week out of state (starting yesterday). Sooo DH tried a foray to Burger King... he went online first and checked their policies out "they "say" they have dedicated fyers so the fries are not contaminated w/the breading from chicken nuggets, etc." and DH brought gluten free bread for a bun for Evan's hamburger... SO, I think, as some of you said, he just needed a period of adjustment after hearing the DX. And... I also think it's good that I'm gone this week in a way - as DH is now "in charge" of Evan's diet. He spoke to the manager about contamination and assurred that BK uses seperate fryers. BUT, as Evan was eating his fries he stopped and started saying "intruder alert, intruder alert" and pulled out an onion ring! (he's so cute). Shane brought the bag up to the manager and they got him a new bag... and it was Shane who said that may be something we just can't do anymore (eat at fast food)... well, on the upside - it's healthier that way!

I just got a nice feeling that DH was so considerate of Evan's dietary restrictions (and Evan was as well).

To the question as to whether Shane has been tested, no he hasn't... he said he will. He just needs more "coaxing" from me! My results "should" be in tomorrow or Wednesday.

Thanks for all your support!

[Jnkmnky]

Hey Heather,

This site has cute "someone I love Has Celiac Disease" Shirts for sale. I just noticed them. That could be a nice psychological support boost for your husband. My husband has shirts he wears out from the Celiac Walks we do every year. My son loves to see his dad wearing Celiac shirts.

[redheadheather]

Hey Heather,

This site has cute "someone I love Has Celiac Disease" Shirts for sale.  I just noticed them.  That could be a nice psychological support boost for your husband.  My husband has shirts he wears out from the Celiac Walks we do every year.  My son loves to see his dad wearing Celiac shirts.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's funny - I actually just ordered a "Wheat Sucks" shirt!

And... I also ordered a Silly Yak shirt for both my Mom (who has celiac disease) AND my son! (Wheat Sucks is more my husband's style)

[Indea88]

My Husband takes the metal for Celiac denial.... Our 2 year old just came back positive and my husband has spent a lifetime suffering, he now knows why he is so sick..but do you think he would go gluten-free, NO!At least my son has a chance at a normal life devoid of the problems my husband has had. To me its so simple, I cant understand the resistance to change.