This Celiac Relationship Crisis Thing Is Real!

[southgoingzax]

Erica,

What are you doing your research on?

I have found this thread very heartening...I too am going through some real struggles right now, and I'm glad to see someone forging successful changes - it gives me hope. Thanks for posting this personal process!

zax

[gfp]

I agree about the ambiguity being a problem. However, right now I really need to focus on myself -- and I know that he really needs to focus on himself. I think I did make it clear to him how much I care for him -- I am unlikely, in the space of three months, to get involved in anything that would threaten that -- for all my bravado about dating, I'm not really out there very much -- more interested in friends and my work than anything else. I think he knows that about me. I kind of have to assume that he's in the same position if he still feels as though he might want to restart our relationship.

Sometimes you just have to trust -- and right now, I think that's the best thing. Sure -- either one of us could meet someone else, but we were together a long time and were very serious about wanting to make a real commitment. That's not something that changes so very fast -- moreover, if we each really want it to work, we'll think twice about starting up something that could threaten that.

For all the advice about getting out there to meet the other fish in the sea -- well, I know those fish are there and if they want to come find me, they can. It's nice to know that I'm still appreciated as a dateable woman. However, I'm not going to wither into a bitter old spinster in three months. I'm not so insecure about my ability to attract men I'm interested in that it would be such a great loss.

.... moved to make a more articulate answer

If he _doesn't_ know that I'm unlikely to seriously date other people right now, he does occasionally read this board and knows my username -- so he could know now! I may, after exams and such are done, get in touch with him to let him know that more clearly -- although Carla's advice is important too. Today is not the day for me to decide that, however. Today I need to be where I am and working on the things in front of me.

What Im saying is guys can be dicks! I should know! The way you see it and the way he see's the ambiguity are probably very different. I am also a bit weird... I expect complete trust in a relationship

We all have good and bad days... and on the bad days we can become obsessed with stupid things. We can clutch at straws or we can see unintentioned meaning in ambiguity. We can convince ourself that the unfounded optimism of yesterday was silly and unrealistic and decide for ourselves we should act to free ourselves of it to protect ourselves and bitterly regret it the next day.

Now, I'm not your ex.. but if it was me I would find meaning in the non-defined dating other people thing. Perhaps not today but some day I'm feeling down and introspective.

I might add that, as I keep healing from the celiac AND the breakup, I kind of feel like I'm getting better and better, so it's nice to be in my cocoon for a while letting this process happen and letting my wounds heal -- there will be a time for me to bust out and be glorious again, but it's not right now. Then there'll be mischief on the horizon for some guy, I can assure you!

eleep

Not to worry , I'm just giving you a guy perspective. I am certainly not suggesting any commitment outside of neither of you dates someone else at the moment but if you are the one who makes that call then the results will come back to you one way or the other and perhaps you would prefer to cope with them (either way) later on.

Last word?

That's not something that changes so very fast -- moreover, if we each really want it to work, we'll think twice about starting up something that could threaten that.

Wanting the relationship is in my experience not the same as not doing anything to threaten it.

If I'm brutally honest with myself I have had a relationship with someone over a year while not letting go of the previous one. (she walked out*) .. and it got left ambiguous for a while and sooner or later some girl who was actually a genuinely great girl who fancied me got a raw deal... I dated her and never gave up hope of the former girlfriend a really bad thing to do... and this in itself was the cause of the breakup with the second girl through 1001 faults of MINE.

When I look back the first girl was spoiled, manipulative and never accepted me for what I was vs what her parents expected. The second girl was genuine, loving and altogether a much better match for me. (This is 20 yrs ago now) ... Believe it or not I often think of the 2nd one.. not the one who I couldn't let go of.

I blame myself for both.... I should have let go of the first one but also I should have not succumed to the other's advances until I had deal with this. As it turns out with perfect 20/20 hindsight the first one was never really a match... but i truly beleived she was at the time and still I allowed the ambiguity (and seperate uni's) to let me in.

I don't think this is your situation.... what i am trying to say is even had it been your situation I would have probably done the same thing sooner or later. In many ways I think this is a difference between guys and gals. A gal see's the ambiguity as a trust thing but a guy is more likely IMHO to see it as a I won't make that commitment thing and in the end most of us spend a inordinate amount of time thinking with the smaller of our two brains!

edits: She walked out.... ? Well technically I accepted a prestigious Masters .. offer only 50 miles away... but she was the one who said we should put the relationship on hold. In retrospect I walked out perhaps from her POV... but more likely from the slimy guy she was part of a house share with who wasted no time at all.

As a guy there isn't much you can do in this situation... except to say he's poisioning you against me which of course the slimy guy has already covered! If I was your ex right now and still loved you I would be really really suspicious of any guy willing to give up lecturing hours for you... and if that guy say's he expects nothing in return i would be 10x more suspicious.

I mention this because you have mentioned your ex occaissionally reads this board AND the other matter.

I am not in love with you (sorry you seem perfectly dateable ) but if I was this would certainly be playing on my mind. As a younger guy I would have dealt with this perhaps by sleeping with some other girl.... just to affirm my own self esteem.

[eleep]

Right now, it's looking an awful lot like my dissertation is about this board -- I must have posted enough on here already for at least a chapter! Gotta stop keeping this window open while I'm trying to write!

I talk about my research a bit in this thread:

Open Original Shared Link

Thanks everyone for the great encouragement and advice! I think I need to tuck my theoretical boy-problems under the radar for now, though! I promise to post if anything exciting comes up, but right now I will seriously suffer if I don't churn out some work!

eleep