I Need Some Advice On Being

[Turtle]

This is gonna be a bit lengthy but figured I may as well tell all the details up front. I really need some thoughts, ideas, suggestions, maybe a support group (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!) etc. The wedding is June 2007.

Long story short, my childhood friend asked me and another girl that grew up with us to be MOH's in her wedding. My parents are best friends with the brides mom and we've all known each other for over 25 years. The bride is very high maintenance in that everything has to be name brand, top of the line, she must always be dressed to the nines, etc. I am totally opposite in that I like nice things, but I could care less about labels and think you can have nice things without breaking your bank. It's kind of a running joke amongst our families with regards to how high maintenance she is. But, we all accept each other as we are and just enjoy life.

WELL.....since the wedding planning has begun it's becoming a bit stressful & it's really effecting our friendship. We used to talk weekly now I hardly hear from her. And it's to the point where I cannot wait for this event to be over with. I hate to say it but it's like an episode off that Bridezilla show sometimes. She called me one day all ticked off b/c nobody has given her an engagement party and that it should be the responsibility of the parents to be giving them this party and they haven't. I just let her vent. I was so floored. Plus being that i'm so opposite of her it's hard for me to process why she's so irate about nobody throwing her an engagement party.

So in August, the bride picked out the bridesmaids dresses which are quite expensive (b/c of course they have to be name brand i.e. Vera Wang). Okay fine, it's her special day and I will figure out how to pay for it. I live out of town, but I arranged to come in town one weekend and go with her to see the dresses, etc. She e-mails me 2 days prior telling me she didn't think she'd feel like getting outta bed Saturday morning to go. Uhhhh...okay. I let it roll off my shell and just spent the time with my family instead.

I am really starting to stess out about my role as the MOH. I have no idea what a MOH even does. I've been a bridesmaid a gazillion times but never a MOH. And I know her, I know she has expectations of me and i'm very stressed that I will not do it "right". I did talk to her about my feelings and she gave me the "don't worry about it", but I know her....she has expectations. I have no problem with helping out and such but it's becoming hard to be enthusiastic about this b/c of how she is behaving. *sigh*

What I would like from ya'll is can anyone give me some feedback about What is the role of the MOH? What our our "duties"? What if you live out of town and are the MOH? Any suggestions for how to be helpful from afar?

My mom is giving her a bridesmaid luncheon. Do I need to give her a separate shower or some kind of party or is it appropriate & acceptable for me to just assist my mother as a co-host for the bridesmaid luncheon?

I appreciate any feedback you can give....the sad thing is I feel like no matter what I do and how hard I try it's not going to meet her expectations. I guess you can't make everyone happy can you? AGHHHH! Why does life have to be so stupid sometimes??

[clbevilacqua]

Believe it or not there is a website called maidofhonor.org and while they are selling some books-it also has a lot of info and links regarding the traditional duties. While I would say for my personality a bridal luncheon would be enough from the sound of your friends personality, you should start planning a bridal shower too. The MOH is also responsible for the bachlorette party and traditionally you give a toast at the rehearsal dinner right after the best man.

The traditional role of MOH had a lot of responsibilites (some financial) that came with it. It used to be that, when asked, a girlfriend could turn it down with no hard feelings (because it is such a huge responsibility, both time and financial). Today, in general, I think that most brides expect less, or at least what is more reasonable in her MOH given circumstances (where she lives in proximity to bridal shower guests, her income, etc. in other words-flexible about expectations). Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like this describes your friend.

If there are 2 MOH you should be sharing these duties equally, unless the other one is a junior MOH-then that is more honorary than responsibility.

Bottom line is the bridesmaids have the fun, the MOH takes the blame!

[Turtle]

Thanks i'll check out the website!

The traditional role of MOH had a lot of responsibilites (some financial) that came with it. It used to be that, when asked, a girlfriend could turn it down with no hard feelings (because it is such a huge responsibility, both time and financial). Today, in general, I think that most brides expect less, or at least what is more reasonable in her MOH given circumstances (where she lives in proximity to bridal shower guests, her income, etc. in other words-flexible about expectations). Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like this describes your friend. Yes, you are right!!!

If there are 2 MOH you should be sharing these duties equally, unless the other one is a junior MOH-then that is more honorary than responsibility.

I have been in touch with the other MOH but she too has a stressed income. She's a single mom just got her degree (which is AWESOME, we're so proud of her) and she's job searching. I was laid off and although have found part time work and eagerly seeking full time work my budget is very small. The other MOH mentioned wanting to do the bachelorette party thing. I have been up front with her that if she wants to do that go for it but that I could not committ to that. I have no problem with throwing a shower and I will figure out how to pull that off, but I will not fund a bachelorette party. It's not that i'm not fun or oppose them I just prefer my money to go toward something else and because the expectation for the bachelorette party will exceed my budget b/c the expectation will be limos and expensive bars, etc. I simply just cannot afford that.

Bottom line is the bridesmaids have the fun, the MOH takes the blame!

[CarlaB]

Maybe for the bachelorette party, if you have one, all the bridesmaids can split the tab ... that way everyone is paying for their own drinks and splitting the cost of the bride's drinks. We used to do this for birthdays at a place I used to work ... everyone would split the tab, except for the person whose birthday it was.

Oh, and if others come along besides the bridesmaids, then they can pay their own way ....

[Turtle]

Maybe for the bachelorette party, if you have one, all the bridesmaids can split the tab ... that way everyone is paying for their own drinks and splitting the cost of the bride's drinks. We used to do this for birthdays at a place I used to work ... everyone would split the tab, except for the person whose birthday it was.

Oh, and if others come along besides the bridesmaids, then they can pay their own way ....

I like the way you think! Thanks i'll toss this out when I talk to the other MOH! Wish me luck!

[debmidge]

this might sound too simplistic but my MOH didn't do this for me and I think it's important:

On the day of the wedding, please help her not trip over her very long bridal veil, help her from tripping over the veil mixing with the hem of the dress; keep her from shoving her high heel through the end of her veil. That means help her get in and out of the limo; help her with her voluminous skirts.

At reception or in church if there are candles on the table, keep your eye on her to make sure that she doesn't swing her veil into the lit candle and make herself a human torch.

[Guest cassidy]

I think I understand the type of person that you are talking about. You keep saying she has expectations - which I'm sure she does - so why don't you ask her what they are? If you said something like, I am very honored to be your moh and I want to make sure that I am supportive and do everything for you that you need, can we go over specifically what you expect from me? What do you expect before the weddinge - showers? batchlorette party? Calling you every week so you can vent?

I know brides can be difficult to deal with. I think almost all of them have meltdowns - I know I did. I think that is a time when you have to forgive your friend and remember how much you used to like her and try your best to help her get through everything. Stick up for yourself but maybe if you know exactly what she wants you can find a way to do it that will work for both of you.

[Turtle]

Debmidge: YOU are a trip! I will make sure she doesn't catch fire or trip!!! HAHA!

Cassidy: *sigh* That's just it, I have talked to her about her "expectations" on 2 different occasions, and getting ready to go for a third. She sits there and says "I don't expect anything. All I want is for you to stand there". HOWEVER, I know her and I know that deep inside she has a "vision" of what she is expecting. When I talk to her this 3rd time I am going to be anally specific in my questions to her to see if I can a clearer idea. But the bottom line is, she is VERY high maintenance and no matter how hard you try she's the type that will find something wrong with it. I've accepted that and will simply put forth my best efforts and leave it at that.