Dating And Celiac

[hermitgirl]

This is unacceptable. I've never had a restaurant tell me this, and if they did, I would inform them that not only have they lost my business FOR LIFE, but I would also be discouraging all my friends and family from frequenting an establishment that could not make accomodations for me. I don't know, maybe that's selfish of me, but there are plenty of places now that offer gluten-free menus and can make those accomodations for me. I went out just this past Saturday night to the busiest upscale Mexican food place at dinnertime with friends and had no problems (or course, I chose to order foods that would naturally compliment my gluten-free diet - corn enchiladas, rather than flour shell tacos)

Maybe it depends on the cuisine too - I wouldn't expect a sandwich place to make the same effort as a Mexican place due to the nature of the food served. You shouldn't have to eat dinner at 10 p.m. because the restaurant is being difficult.

The majority of restaurants have told me this. They say that they can't control the contamination issue during busy times and they highly recommend not visiting during those times. Even the Mexican restaurants have told me this.

The only times I have had problems in restaurants where when I did visit during busy times.

Really makes socializing difficult.

[caek-is-a-lie]

I guess I'm lucky that I live in Portland, OR, where special diets are the norm. I've never had a problem in a restaurant at any hour. I go to Red Robin for lunch so often they know me by sight and I don't even have to ask for the gluten-free menu...they just go and get it. lol

I don't think it's acceptable for a restaurant to go lax on the allergen contamination at any time of day, especially using 'we're busy' as an excuse. What if it was a peanut allergy and you could die? Do they really want any kind of liability on their hands? If that was their attitude, I don't think I'd go back ever again.

[codetalker]

The majority of restaurants have told me this. They say that they can't control the contamination issue during busy times and they highly recommend not visiting during those times.

To me, the suggestion of eating during off-peak hours has always seemed reasonable. While I was going to school, I worked in a kitchen as a short-order cook. Based on that experience, I can understand fully the reasoning behind the recommendation.

I agree that eating off-hours creates problems in regard to socialization. However, trade offs are inevitable. For what it's worth, enjoying a leisurely meal in a quiet restaurant during a non-peak period would be more attractive than eating in a crowded, noisy restaurant during a peak period.

[Free-At-Last]

I would like to back up and add to what hermitgirl has mentioned about dating and eating out in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. My brother has owned and operated many small and large bars and restaurants for over 15 years. Thus I have some insight into restaurant owner's perspective. Most businesses in the service industry have a rule "If you are rude, you are gone." For that reason they will be polite about special requests like gluten free. Truth is they really would prefer Not to have your business for several reasons. Primarily we are a low profit ratio PITAS. It just takes too much effort and we are much more likely to be hard to please. They are also worried about being sued because it happens quite a bit more than you would think. Most of them get settled out of court but each one costs thousands. It's not a question of if it will happen but how often. They simply see it as a cost that should be avoided when possible. You also have to take into account that a great majority of the food prep in the south is done by people who do not speak English fluently. Cross and accidental contamination is almost unavoidable. I rarely eat anything that I did not cook any more. It is just not worth a 50% chance of having a rash for a week. I travel for business and I have found that the attitude toward special dietary requests is much better in most areas that are not in the south.

As far as dating, I am still barely married and I can tell you that for the last 2 years it has put an awful strain on our marriage. It is one of the factors that led to my wife filing for divorce. I kept getting a reaction when I knew that I had not eaten any gluten. BTW, I will not lick an envelope either. Turns out I was getting gluten from kissing my wife. She made it very clear that she was not giving up wheat. For that reason I have decided that when I do start dating again, I will not even attempt to date anyone that is not gluten free. I know how hard it was for me to give up wheat and it is not reasonable to expect someone else to do it if they do not have too. Plus, if they do give it up for me, then someday it will be a source of resentment.

To complicate things further, after researching nutrition and food for the last couple years I am now vegan. It's made a huge difference. I'm 43 and feel like I was 16 again. I would hope that I can find someone who is also trying to eat healthy not just avoiding gluten. What hermitgirl said about the local guys being in the party stage is true as well of many of the females. Then add non-smoking and healthy weight to the prerequisite list and odds are way against finding someone to date in this area.

[phakephur]

If 1 in 133 people are celiacs and if a person is looking a date another celiac, then divide by 133.

15,000,000 / 133 = 112,782

The estimated rate is 1 in 133, but only a fraction of them are diagnosed.

[mattathayde]

man, this doesnt make me feel any better about my future relationships, given im only 19 now but i just dont want to deal with any of the drama/bs which seems like i will have to wait 5-10 years before i can find a reasonable amount of people in my age range that have gotten over it.

as to the dining stuff, honestly when i can find some one to date (more like if) i plan to just offer to make food, at least i know its safe for me. as to letting people know i have celiac disease i have no issues with telling people, most of my friends know and respect it and if some one i was dating didnt respect it then its obvious they are not a good choice.

i honestly dont go out to eat any more, my brother came down with his band to play a show and my parents came up to see it with me and asked if i wanted to go out to eat with them and i said it just wasnt worth it and my family is fine with it, they understand and frankly some one i date needs to be understanding of it too.

ive found a few places that are pretty safe for me (qdoba and 5 guys) but not exactly a place i would want to take a girl out for a nice meal.

my school is pretty large so there are plenty of food allergy and diets so when i say i cannot eat gluten its not to weird and being an art student i get even less issues with it

-matt

[Lau3turtle]

So, I started seeing someone who is very patient and understanding about my Celiac/vegan thing. We do non-food-centric activities like movies and farmers markets and walks. When we eat it's been at my place, and he's willing to brush his teeth with gluten free toothpaste or forgo kissing me on the mouth or sharing a drink with me. He's made a couple mistakes, but really I'm pleasantly surprised. It's only been a week, so I'm not exactly getting my hopes up yet that he wont tire of this or get frustrated.

After all the gloom-and-doom experiences I alluded to, I thought I should share this surprising development.

[mysecretcurse]

I really don't see the problem. You just have to explain that you cannot eat everything and that sometimes you may feel sick if you get glutened ( and that shouldn't be more than 10 times / year.)

How difficult is that? is that a disability? You are not a sick disabled person. You just can't eat gluten!!!!! Don't think you are ill or something.

You said you are 30 years old.Me too. I don't know many 30 year old people who don't have their own needs. Someone maybe allergic to dust, or another may be on a diet to lose weight, or someone else may be a vegetarian. My boyfriend is trying to quit smoking, so we are not going in parties now just to keep him away from temptation. And you are not eating gluten. So what?????????

I am sorry if I sound like I am yelling at you, but it is really wierd to see that you are afraid you are going to have a problem with dating. Don't make things hard ,cause they just aren't. You are a totally normal person who has some needs, like everyone has.

Please don't be offended. But I am not going to tell you things like "yes I understand your problem" cause there is no problem.

People will treat you like an ill disabled person, only if you keep on having these thoughts. For god's sake, there is nothing wrong with you!!!!! go on live a totally normal life,just don't eat gluten!!!!!!!!!!!

Meline

I think this post is quite unfair, I mean I understand what you are saying, but did you ever consider that some of us have a lot of serious health issue that effect our lives and it's not so simple as "just don't eat gluten". It wasn't like I went gluten free and my health was perfect, I still have a lot of issues and have to fight for my health every day.

[mushroom]

I think this post is quite unfair, I mean I understand what you are saying, but did you ever consider that some of us have a lot of serious health issue that effect our lives and it's not so simple as "just don't eat gluten". It wasn't like I went gluten free and my health was perfect, I still have a lot of issues and have to fight for my health every day.

I am responding for Meline here; she will probably respond herself. When we post replies we can't possibly look at the situation from the perspective of everyone on the forum. We all have additional problems which we haven't necessarily disclosed which alter our particular situations. I don't think Meline was being unfair; just trying to help see the situation from another perspective. We don't have to agree with every response; people are just trying to help us see things in a different light. If it doesn't apply, then it doesn't apply. Ignore it and carry on.

[Lisa16]

When I read the posts in this thread, I was struck by the sense of hopelessness I was picking up from some of the posts. I am moved by the pain and fear and I am so sorry you find yourselves in this place.

There are many things that we as celaics cannot control, but there are things that we do control, and attitude is a powerful one. I have fallen in the well of despair too-- it is very easy to do. But that cannot be the place in which I ultimately chose to live. I don't agree with codetalker's numbers at all (I am sorry Codetalker-- may you find the love of your life soon and look back at those numbers and laugh!) Numbers deceive. And many, many people are living with life altering, chronic diseases. But they are still people.

If you put love out there, you are bound to get it back eventually. When the time is right and when you are in a healthy place love will find you. Have a little faith in the universe. And when love finds you it will not matter if you are gluten-free/cf/ msgf....

Look at it this way. Could you, as a celiac, simply choose not to fall in love with somebody just because he or she had high bloodpressure or diabetes or cystic fibrosis or ms or terminal cancer? We can no more control love than we can the disease we have.

Lisa

[hermitgirl]

So, I started seeing someone who is very patient and understanding about my Celiac/vegan thing. We do non-food-centric activities like movies and farmers markets and walks. When we eat it's been at my place, and he's willing to brush his teeth with gluten free toothpaste or forgo kissing me on the mouth or sharing a drink with me. He's made a couple mistakes, but really I'm pleasantly surprised. It's only been a week, so I'm not exactly getting my hopes up yet that he wont tire of this or get frustrated.

After all the gloom-and-doom experiences I alluded to, I thought I should share this surprising development.

Thank you for that. I wish you luck. My main goal was to get some input from people who have had experiences in this subject. Hopefully your new friend stays patient, and that you two can continue your happiness. I like the concept of the non-food-centric activities. Is he vegan as well?

[njbeachbum]

great words there lisa... i agree with you 100%. there's two ways to approach this disease... (1) you've been wronged and you'll be bitter and paralyzed and let it control you or (2) you drew an unlucky straw but you're going to make the best of it and control the things that you can and have a positive outlook.

i've chosen (2). i was diagnosed in the fall of 2007, when i was 30 years old (now a few months shy of 32). i was in a serious relationship, then was dating for almost a year and am now again in a serious relationship. i don't feel that having celiac disease has impacted my dating life at all. i am very upfront about it when we go out to restaurants. i try to choose somewhere to eat that i know is safe for a first date, and then i just explain it, very high level... and make it seem like no big deal. the right person (someone that you really want to be with long term) will understand. my partner right now is very understanding, loves to cook and has done a lot to research and understand celiac disease and gluten free living/safety. it's been amazing and i couldn't be happier. i was even given homemade, gluten free chocolate truffles for valentine's day (using ghirardelli chocoloate and other very simple and naturally gluten-free ingredients)... which completely blew me away. so that just goes to show you that there can always be a happy ending... you just have to have a good outlook in order to find it.

keep smiling and living.

:-)

[codetalker]

I don't agree with codetalker's numbers at all (I am sorry Codetalker-- may you find the love of your life soon and look back at those numbers and laugh!)

No need to apologize. My post was more than a bit tongue-in-cheek.

[Lisa16]

May you be laughing very soon codetalker!

Can you laugh with your tongue in you cheek? Tricky.

[mysecretcurse]

I am responding for Meline here; she will probably respond herself. When we post replies we can't possibly look at the situation from the perspective of everyone on the forum. We all have additional problems which we haven't necessarily disclosed which alter our particular situations. I don't think Meline was being unfair; just trying to help see the situation from another perspective. We don't have to agree with every response; people are just trying to help us see things in a different light. If it doesn't apply, then it doesn't apply. Ignore it and carry on.

I know, I wasn't mad, just sayin'.. it's not that simple as to not eat gluten and there can be a lot of issues which effect dating, at least there have been for me.

That said I totally agree that being celiac or having whatever other health problems you have shouldn't stop you from living. Trust me I know, i just got back from an overseas backpacking trip and I did it all on my own! It was hard sometimes, but it felt good to do it, because for so long because of my health I didn't think I'd be able to truly live. The challenge is finding a way to live even if we can't get our health as perfect as we might like.

It does get easier, I was VERY hopeless when I first found out I was celiac but following the diet has gotten easier, even fun sometimes because I learned to cook and actually discovered I'm a GOOD cook! Which was pretty cool and I might never had found that out had bad health not forced me to turn away from fast food and other normal processed american food.

We can no more control love than we can the disease we have.

So true! It's a bummer sometimes because you can't make love happen when you are lonely. But then again sometimes love gets to surprise us when we least expect it and thats cool too! I'm only 26 so I'm hoping I still have time for it to happen lol.

(2) you drew an unlucky straw but you're going to make the best of it and control the things that you can and have a positive outlook.

Hell yah! And have an opportunity to be an inspiration to others, which is great.

[Lau3turtle]

Thank you for that. I wish you luck. My main goal was to get some input from people who have had experiences in this subject. Hopefully your new friend stays patient, and that you two can continue your happiness. I like the concept of the non-food-centric activities. Is he vegan as well?

Thanks.

He's not vegan, but he understands it. He's got a sense of humor about my situation, without making me the butt of the joke. This is new to me, and I'm really enjoying it. I forgot to mention, not only is close to my age, he's actually younger. I have cautious optimism.

I think in general non-food-centered socializing is so much more fun than food-centered socializing. It feels a lot healthier anyways. There's lots to do if you can find someone flexible enough to break out of the dinner-and-a-________ mold. Food can be incorporated too, just in a different way than normal. Like a bring your own picnic lunch....

[bluessmile70]

So, I started seeing someone who is very patient and understanding about my Celiac/vegan thing. We do non-food-centric activities like movies and farmers markets and walks. When we eat it's been at my place, and he's willing to brush his teeth with gluten free toothpaste or forgo kissing me on the mouth or sharing a drink with me. He's made a couple mistakes, but really I'm pleasantly surprised. It's only been a week, so I'm not exactly getting my hopes up yet that he wont tire of this or get frustrated.

After all the gloom-and-doom experiences I alluded to, I thought I should share this surprising development.

Whem I was diagnosed with Celiac about a year ago, I was dating a guy who seemed understanding about it at first but I found myself constantly trying to reassure him that I was ok when we went out to eat. He would say things like "I hate that you can't have any of this.", "I feel bad eating this in front of you." and on and on. The focus of our time together became what I could and could not eat, even after I explained that talking about it constantly made me uncomfortable. He was a jerk in many ways so we are no longer together. Anyone have any ideas on how to change the subject once it has been explained? Most everyone has been great about it, but some people seem very upset that I am not eating the same foods as everyone else when we go out. It isn't that big of deal to me that I no longer eat like I used to, so I wish they would let it go.