Frusterated With My Boyfriend

[princesskill]

hi all,

im frusterated and need to vent. my boyfriend (whom i live with) dosnt brush his teeth after eating gluten. even before we go to bed he dosnt brush his teeth. he does in the morning before going to work but thats before im even up so it dosnt do me any good. we litereally never kiss anymore which makes sex really weird and unromantic. i resent that he cant even do something that a normal adult should do before going to bed every night. he can't do it for himself and he can't do it for me. i honestly don't get it. he smokes too which is gross. he chews a lot of gum so maybe because his mouth is minty he thinks its clean? i dont know! he also gets whiney when i tell him he cant eat crackers or cookies in bed. we just redecorated the bedroom with new carpet and everything! even if i wasnt gluten free i wouldnt want to eat in bed.

i know we need to sit down and i need to tell him how i feel but right now he's assleep and im frusterated so i figured id vent to you guys.

thanks,

liz

[ravenwoodglass]

I agree you need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. If he can't do a simple thing like brushing his teeth to help keep you safe and healthy then perhaps he is showing a side of himself that is quite enlightening. Personally I would make the home gluten free and let him have his cookies and gluten food elsewhere. IMHO this is not a man who cares about you and unless he is willing to compromise I would show him the door.

[Ahorsesoul]

I'd question why you are with someone who does not respect you? You have a disease that requires you to avoid gluten. He should want you to be as healthy as possible. If he doesn't care enough to help you be healthy you may need to re-think this relationship. You deserve to be respected.

[princesskill]

to be fair i only got diagnosed about a month ago. this is new for both of us.

[samcarter]

to be fair i only got diagnosed about a month ago. this is new for both of us.

Yeah, but a concerned partner would be asking things like, "Should I brush my teeth after eating gluten," or "Will it make you sick if i eat crackers in bed" (which, BTW, is disgusting even if you don't have celiac, I can't imagine eating in bed and getting crumbs in there in the place where one sleeps...*shudder*

Maybe if you got him a new electric or battery-operated toothbrush it would take the chore out of brushing. Yes, it's new to both of you, but it's your health, and he should be concerned.

Also, not brushing teeth before bed is nasty, either way. Nighttime is the best time for bacteria to attack the teeth, because saliva production is reduced. Perhaps if a case is made to him that it's better for HIM to brush his own teeth before bed, to keep his mouth healthy, he'd listen.

But then again, he smokes, so obviously his health is not a priority for him....sounds like he has issues that go beyond his issues with your diagnosis.

[ravenwoodglass]

to be fair i only got diagnosed about a month ago. this is new for both of us.

Can you get him to come on the board and read some of the posts from folks who have been dealing with this for a while? It is hard to get used to and many have a hard time understanding just how much gluten impacts not just the body but also the mind. As you have seen we celiacs are quite supportive and protective of each other for the most part. I apologize if I came across kind of heavy handed in my original reply but this is a time when you and your loved ones should be doing all you can to keep you on the healing path. If he really cares for you he will be willing to learn and to do all he can to help you be healthy.

[princesskill]

i dont mean to make it sound like he isnt making any effort. he is, and eats gluten free meals in the house so we can eat the same thing. he went out and bought me a new toaster and cuttingbords and is good at keeping things seperate in the kitchen. In june my local celiac association is having a meeting for newly diagnosed people and hes going to come with me. hopefully hearing information from "experts" will help him understand. i dont feel like i can "lay down the law" and declare our house gluten free and make all these rules that arent necessary at this point.

hes generally not a big kisser anyway, so maybe he dosnt see what the big deal is. i dont know. bottom line is we need to talk about it.

[SalmonNationWoman]

You're not going to like what I'll write but here it goes anyway...

1. If a man makes it to adualthood without developing the healthy habit of toothbrushing at bedtime, there's something seriously wrong. Toothbrushing isn't simple orl hygeine, it's a portal to preventative health care for the entire body, especially the cardiac and pulmonary systems. He's facing a lifetime of illness and deminished life quality.

2. As much as we might like to think we can, it's not our job to change others, including those in our most intimate inner circle.

3. While living gluten free may be new to both of you, if he really cared about your health and his, he'd more engaged and proactive in his own health.

All the things you've pointed out are disrespectful to you but alas, you won't change him and it most likely will simmer into resentment and sabotage. I've fallen into the trap myself that while I live a different lifestyle out of necessity, it doesn't mean I'm broken, sick, defective, etc. I can't expect the world to adapt to me, I must adapt to the world while prioritizing my needs. I deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life jsut ans much as anybody else.

You deserve better in a life partner.

[heathen]

My now-husband and I had been dating only a few months when I was first diagnosed, so I can understand the change that you and he are going through. I agree that you need to talk to him about how hard it is for you to make this transition without more of his support, and if he isn't willing to be more helpful afterwards, you know it's time to cut him loose. I'm sure several of us on this forum can tell you how much easier life is when you have a non-Celiac partner who has your back. The gluten-free life is too hard, and your health is too important to be invested in someone who can't make some concessions. Give it some time. Give him information and encouragement. But if he doesn't get it now, he's not going to get it. I hope things turn around for you.

[princesskill]

My now-husband and I had been dating only a few months when I was first diagnosed, so I can understand the change that you and he are going through. I agree that you need to talk to him about how hard it is for you to make this transition without more of his support, and if he isn't willing to be more helpful afterwards, you know it's time to cut him loose. I'm sure several of us on this forum can tell you how much easier life is when you have a non-Celiac partner who has your back. The gluten-free life is too hard, and your health is too important to be invested in someone who can't make some concessions. Give it some time. Give him information and encouragement. But if he doesn't get it now, he's not going to get it. I hope things turn around for you.

he really is trying. although i got diagnosed a month ago its only been maybe 2 weeks since i found out about cross contamination/gluten kissing etc. he reappy is trying and i dont feel upset about it at all anymore. i was just frusterated that night and feeling sad about everything.

[NicoleAJ]

I tend to agree that it's odd that he doesn't brush his teeth before going to bed, and while it's not a good sign that he whines about not eating crackers in bed, it takes some people a bit more time to adapt than others, especially if all of this is happening at once.

Tell him if he brushes his teeth, you'll make it worth his while, and then follow up with positive reinforcement.

[svs'n'dvs]

hi all,

im frusterated and need to vent. my boyfriend (whom i live with) dosnt brush his teeth after eating gluten. even before we go to bed he dosnt brush his teeth. he does in the morning before going to work but thats before im even up so it dosnt do me any good. we litereally never kiss anymore which makes sex really weird and unromantic. i resent that he cant even do something that a normal adult should do before going to bed every night. he can't do it for himself and he can't do it for me. i honestly don't get it. he smokes too which is gross. he chews a lot of gum so maybe because his mouth is minty he thinks its clean? i dont know! he also gets whiney when i tell him he cant eat crackers or cookies in bed. we just redecorated the bedroom with new carpet and everything! even if i wasnt gluten free i wouldnt want to eat in bed.

i know we need to sit down and i need to tell him how i feel but right now he's assleep and im frusterated so i figured id vent to you guys.

thanks,

liz

Liz,

The stuff you describe sounds of two young, immature people. You say it has only been a month since your dx and two weeks since you figured out the "cross contamination" issues with kissing after he eats wheat, that is plenty of time for him to figure out what he needs to do to be safe for you. Then coming back and making excuses for him tells me that he read your post and got upset...

Bottom line: Your boyfriend should not needs loads of time to grow new feelings about you in your new dx. You should not have to worry about how he will feel or react when you ask him to stop doing something or make a change for YOUR HEALTH. Grow a backbone, Liz!! Only you can be your own advocate!!! We are here to support you, only you can stand up for yourself. gluten-free is not something you prefer, it is your new lifestyle to live!!

I agree that you need to talk to him about how hard it is for you to make this transition without more of his support, and if he isn't willing to be more helpful afterwards, you know it's time to cut him loose. I'm sure several of us on this forum can tell you how much easier life is when you have a non-Celiac partner who has your back. The gluten-free life is too hard, and your health is too important to be invested in someone who can't make some concessions

Could not have said it better myself!

You have some decisions to make for yourself that might have something to do with your current relationship, and definitely have a lot to do with how you advocate for your own health.

And if you think smoking is gross, don't wait for him to quit for you...

Very lastly: thank you for posting your "vent", you may have helped others who have partners that are not gluten-free to think of more ways to be safe!

[gfpagan]

It's probably not going to change though. I would think being newly diagnosed one would be even more careful. Even though I don't have celiac and only gluten intolerance, my FI is asking all the time if there's things he can or cannot do. Soon, we'll both learn what's okay through trial and error. Honestly I would feel very hurt if he didn't do what he needed to do so he could kiss me.

I hope it gets better for you.

he really is trying. although i got diagnosed a month ago its only been maybe 2 weeks since i found out about cross contamination/gluten kissing etc. he reappy is trying and i dont feel upset about it at all anymore. i was just frusterated that night and feeling sad about everything.

[princesskill]

im not making excuses for him. when i originally posted i was upset and wasnt looking at the situation clearly. now that im not upset i see that hes really trying and this is totally overwhelming for both of us.

[ravenwoodglass]

im not making excuses for him. when i originally posted i was upset and wasnt looking at the situation clearly. now that im not upset i see that hes really trying and this is totally overwhelming for both of us.

It is totally overwhelming and requires a lot of changes. I am glad he is turning out to be supportive and hope this increases. The beginning of the diet also often makes us a bit more emotional than we normally would be and your need to vent is understood. I hope you are feeling better soon and that things smooth out.

[oceangirl]

Princesskill,

I won't make a judgment on your boyfriend, but I do want to tell you this: I am working on 3 and 1/2 years gluten-free in a gluten-free house with (one now grown and away) daughter and a teenage son and my spousal equivalent of almost ten years brushes and flosses if he ever eats gluten (which is rare) BECAUSE- if we make love or deep kiss after he ingests gluten (he sometimes does at work and reports that to me) we are both convinced I suffer dreadfully afterwards.

The inherent and predictable bias against gluten has been eliminated by the fact that it has taken years of painstaking research into my 4 years of food/symptom logs to discover this trend. If the gluten is of the obvious, viscous sort (pasta, bread or baked goods) the correlation is blatant. It is to the point where if I know he has ingested these things I want to forego my natural inclination towards him. I cannot stress enough that this kind of cc is possible. I am suffering from the worst glutening in over a year because we made love after he had had a number of richly glutinous treats- AND, that's AFTER he carefully brushed and flossed. We cook ALL our food from scratch and know all the drills- this is the only explanation that we can remotely find.

I hope your boyfriend will prove to truly care for you and take these simple measures to insure your health and peace of mind.

Take care,

lisa