Grief

[minton]

Last July I lost the only person that mattered to me. He died of cancer. He was my best friend, true love, and soul mate(and yes, he was a horse, not a human). Since then, it's been really hard to even function. I mean, I think the grief has gone kinda beyond the bounds of normal sane grieving...and I wonder if it has taken a toll on my health. I really don't know what to do. I haven't talked to a therapist because prior to his death numerous doctors told me that my love for him was unhealthy and bordering on insanity...but when he's the only friend you have, the only caring anything u have, and he's a lovable perfect ANGEL, what do you expect?

I don't want to hear how unhealthy the emotions are. I know that and I can't fix that. I live everyday just trying to force myself out of bed and I have no one to talk to about it. My parents would like me to go to a psych ward...that was always their way of getting rid of me when they were too busy to worry about being supportive. I truly have no friends...the kids in my area are manipulative and cruel, and I have NVLD (autism spectrum disorder), which makes me a prime target for their taunts. But I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lay down and let the grief cause me to give up and die. I mean, god knows I'm lonely enough and sometimes I do wish I had died too, but I lived and I gotta try to make a life work without him. I really do think the grief has become not only an emotional issue but has made me physically sick as well.

Any ideas on what I can do to recover? I know I'll always miss him and it will always feel like half of my soul died, but I've gotta find a way to at least function normally....any ideas would be great....

[Lisa]

Hi Minton,

I can't tell you I know how you feel, because I don't. No one can really know how deep your loss it. But I did have a special horse when I was about your age. He was MY best friend. He kept all my secrets, listened to me sing songs (off key), let me vent all my frustrations and even played with my hair when I was sad. When I cantered him through the fields, all my troubles slipped away. You're very special to have such a wonderful friend.

Can you find a way to honor that great love you have for your horse? Can you pass on your love for horses to someone who might not have that opportunity? Do you have an equine program for disadvantage or handicaped children in your area? Or, could you help start one?

Although your heart might be broken now, you must know how lucky you have been to have had such wonderful friend. But, mostly, he was so lucky to have YOU in his life.

It will get better, I promise

BIG HUG to you!

[mommida]

First, I think the wonderfull people here will open up and tell you about losing their best furry, hairy, feather,or even scaley friends.

I have to say I still grieve for my furry friends I have lost. I still love and miss them.

Trouble, a cat, saved my life. She pulled me out of what would have been a deadly coma from a seizure, and made me get help to get to the hospital. She wouldn't let anyone call her chubby or fat either.

Lucky dog would smile at jokes. Ate my shoes. When his was getting diagnosed with cancer, I found out his hips were so bad he shouldn't have been able to walk. He came anytime his name was called, or just to snuggle closer with out faltering to the end of his life.

(I'm shedding some tears now)

I don't think many people have proven to be as smart, loyal, and loving as what people term as "pets". Carry the lesson of love that your friend taught you for the rest of your life. You have many things to accomplish yet, but you have all ready learned to love and to be loved from your friend. I think it is the hardest lesson of life, but it is the best guide for figuring out the rest. Honor the memory of your special bond through good deeds and positive acts. Even if some day it is telling a stranger on the internet what it's like to lose your best friend.

If you need to talk to someone, talk to some one about grief.

((HUGS)) and deepest sympathy for your loss.

Laura

[Jestgar]

Losing friends is hard. I don't think grieving over someone that you had such a special connection to is unusual at all.

I think, when you're ready, you'll find another special friend, furred or otherwise, and you'll be able to let go of the grief, and hold on to the goodness.

[DingoGirl]

Minton,

I am so sad for you. I think I do know how you feel. When I lose my Annie Dog, I swear I don't know what I"ll do.......we are inseparable and I think we share the same heart. I put my 14-year-old dog down last year....and only made it through because of my Annie....and then I got her a kitten. More to love.

Can you get something else to love? A wonderful dog, who never leaves your side? You may actually qualify for a therapy dog, you know.

I feel that I WILL be institutionalized when my Annie goes.....can't imagine life without her. She is like my own personal therapy dog, and we are rarely apart. Everyone who knows me is scared at the thought of her going.....I just try not to think about it.

Many, many hugs to you.

[ravenwoodglass]

I am so sorry. The grief you are feeling is normal but it is I know very very hard. I also live a life where my only freinds are four legged and it is so very hard to lose them. It seems so unfair that they have to go before we do. He was very lucky to have a person like you to love and care for him. There is no replacing him but could you perhaps adopt an animal that needs your love and care? Is there any kind of an animal rescue program near you where you could perhaps help out and maybe find a new freind who needs you as much as you need him? I hear all the time about horses that are rescued from deplorable conditions and then there are also the wild mustangs that are up for adoption in certain areas of the country. If you are getting to an age where you will be out of your parents home soon and might not have the resources to care for a large animal perhaps the humane society might have a suitable freind who really needs someone like you. You have a lot of love to give, you gave your whole heart to your best friend, and he to you, and somewhere there is an animal that needs you.

[minton]

I don't have the resources for another horse, nor do I have the heart. I did adopt a kitten...he was caught breaking into the garage looking for food and his name is Banana.... but as much as I do love banana, he is not my horse and sometimes its hard to even look at this kitten knowing that he needs me but he isn't the one that I need. And to make it worse, while I love him dearly, my poor nose is screaming...I'm allergic to kitties and dogs and everything outdoors too. My mom used to tease me that the only outdoor thing I wasn't allergic to was horses (and for the most part, its true).

When RED died, they honestly thought I was going to jump in the grave with him. I didn't...I'm not stupid-the fall would only break a leg at the very least. But I sure did contemplate suicide. It was really tough. Everyone knew that I had lost myself. I still run into people that knew me before he died and they are blown away by the empty shell of a person I have become. Everyone who was once friendly to me has turned away...and I know why. In my depression, I shut them out, and when my health went back downhill, I became a mega B*tch to everyone.

I went to an animal communicator and she did channel him...she channeled him so well that while I was waiting to talk to her, I closed my eyes and could actually feel his breath on my shoulder. I knew without a doubt he was there. When we spoke she told me he had been ready, that he was sorry to have left me, that I was the only person who saw him for an individual rather than just a piece of horseflesh. The things she told me helped, but deep down, nothing helps for long, he's still gone....

[Jestgar]

Oh honey, you sound like you still have a lot of love to give. Maybe you can't buy a horse, but that doesn't mean you can't help one. Look around for somewhere that rescues horses, or uses horses as therapy for disabled kids. Maybe you can volunteer and spend some time connecting with horses.

Red was special, and I'm sure he will be there guiding you to find a new companion. And while you're looking and can share what you learned from Red about love.

[minton]

I go in for surgery on September 9. I will have 2 surgeries, each about 8 hours long, where all of my teeth will be getting crowns put into place. My dentist and I suspect Sjogrens to be the culprit and she may do the lip biopsy test for it while I'm in surgery. We are having to use general anesthesia because I have long become immune to the effects of laughing gas and the 'caine products.

But there's something about these surgeries... I keep getting a very strong gut instinct that I won't be waking up from the surgery at all. My gut instincts are normally pretty accurate. but rather than being distressed or scared about the surgery based on the instinct, I'm very calm. In fact, I'm even a little excited. The first time the instinct hit me, it was unsettling, but immediately, a sense of kinda relief came over me. I know that while I'm knocked out, RED will be by my side and so if a complication occurred and I died, he would be right there from the instant I leave my body. And if it happens, I also know I won't have to leave him again, that he and I will be together forever.

I'm not saying that I want to die during one of the surgeries, but if my instinct is correct and I do die, it doesn't bother me. But everyone I have mentioned this to gets all pissed off at me, saying I'm selfish to feel that way. Is it really selfish to be okay with dying?

[JNBunnie1]

I go in for surgery on September 9. I will have 2 surgeries, each about 8 hours long, where all of my teeth will be getting crowns put into place. My dentist and I suspect Sjogrens to be the culprit and she may do the lip biopsy test for it while I'm in surgery. We are having to use general anesthesia because I have long become immune to the effects of laughing gas and the 'caine products.

But there's something about these surgeries... I keep getting a very strong gut instinct that I won't be waking up from the surgery at all. My gut instincts are normally pretty accurate. but rather than being distressed or scared about the surgery based on the instinct, I'm very calm. In fact, I'm even a little excited. The first time the instinct hit me, it was unsettling, but immediately, a sense of kinda relief came over me. I know that while I'm knocked out, RED will be by my side and so if a complication occurred and I died, he would be right there from the instant I leave my body. And if it happens, I also know I won't have to leave him again, that he and I will be together forever.

I'm not saying that I want to die during one of the surgeries, but if my instinct is correct and I do die, it doesn't bother me. But everyone I have mentioned this to gets all pissed off at me, saying I'm selfish to feel that way. Is it really selfish to be okay with dying?

If you are truly NOT SCARED of dying, then you are WAY ahead of the curve. I tmay be difficult for other poeple to understand that you're not afraid of something that they fear, and they won't be able to sympathize. If, however, you are finding yourself DESIROUS of death, then you need some attention from a professional.

I'm also curious if you've been completely indoors since your Red died. Going from constant sunlight exposure to indoors all the time could be wreaking havoc with your vitamin and hormone levels, increasing your depression.

[minton]

If you are truly NOT SCARED of dying, then you are WAY ahead of the curve. I tmay be difficult for other poeple to understand that you're not afraid of something that they fear, and they won't be able to sympathize. If, however, you are finding yourself DESIROUS of death, then you need some attention from a professional.

I'm also curious if you've been completely indoors since your Red died. Going from constant sunlight exposure to indoors all the time could be wreaking havoc with your vitamin and hormone levels, increasing your depression.

I used to fear death, but not because death itself was scary...I feared death because I knew RED would be left without anyone to take care of him. Now that he's dead, I just kinda look at death as the time when I get to join him again. I want to try to keep living without him, but if death comes knocking, I won't argue too much.

I have not been completely indoors since his death...I have been trying to go to the park and walk (since I'm unemployed, I'm trying to walk everywhere locally anyway to save gas). I haven't been back to RED's grave in over a year because I know his spirit never goes there. I'd rather go to places he and I went together, places I can still feel his energy at.

I'd say that overall I spend about the same amount of time outside as I did before his death.

[ravenwoodglass]

I go in for surgery on September 9. I will have 2 surgeries, each about 8 hours long, where all of my teeth will be getting crowns put into place. My dentist and I suspect Sjogrens to be the culprit and she may do the lip biopsy test for it while I'm in surgery. We are having to use general anesthesia because I have long become immune to the effects of laughing gas and the 'caine products.

But there's something about these surgeries... I keep getting a very strong gut instinct that I won't be waking up from the surgery at all. My gut instincts are normally pretty accurate. but rather than being distressed or scared about the surgery based on the instinct, I'm very calm. In fact, I'm even a little excited. The first time the instinct hit me, it was unsettling, but immediately, a sense of kinda relief came over me. I know that while I'm knocked out, RED will be by my side and so if a complication occurred and I died, he would be right there from the instant I leave my body. And if it happens, I also know I won't have to leave him again, that he and I will be together forever.

I'm not saying that I want to die during one of the surgeries, but if my instinct is correct and I do die, it doesn't bother me. But everyone I have mentioned this to gets all pissed off at me, saying I'm selfish to feel that way. Is it really selfish to be okay with dying?

You will be okay with the surgery. They will have an anesthesiologist there who will be alert for any problems. I was put under for dental surgery many, many years ago and wish they would do it again for all the work I need to have done now.

It is not selfish to be okay with the idea of death but the people who are getting pissed at you because you are saying this are people who would miss you very much if you go. They are not as angry as they are fearful. Your loved ones have been watching your suffering since Red passed and are likely very worried about you. I committed suicide at 11 and was shocked back and have had no fear of death since then, until I had children of my own. I am still not afraid to die but I am afraid of the depth of greif that it would cause them. I lost my twin in our teens and my family was very fearful I would quickly follow because I told them frequently that I felt since we were born together we should have died together. I know as you do that he will be there when my time comes but I also know that he has all the time in the world to wait for me. I know he wanted me to go on and to finish what I was put on earth for, just as you have a purpose that you may not even realize yet. Life if not finished with you yet, you will be okay with the surgery and you will continue on. At some point you will be very important to someone that will need you and all you are going through now will play an important role in that purpose. It will give you a perspective that others may not have. You are a very caring person and you need to hang in there. We need you here and Red knows that and will be patient until your time comes.

[minton]

*~*UPDATE!*~*

I had surgery on September 9th, like I said, it was the first in a series of 2, to 3 surgeries to fix my teeth. While I had no medical cause, I did go to another realm and I did talk to some already past loved ones. It was AMAZING. I don't remember the topics discussed, I just remember talking. It was like being in a big white room, but you could see walls, just sense them. The energy in the room was joyful and loving. The love felt so strong it felt tangible, like you could touch it and hold it. and the joy felt like it permeated into my bones, straight through every cell in my body. And it stayed. I didn't wanna wake up, but it wasnt my time to die and I accepted it. I'm not sorry.

I woke up and the feeling of love has stayed. I want to hug everyone and tell everyone I love them and I want to share my happiness with everyone. (And no, its not the drugs, I have been off pain pills long enough to know) I woke up with 2 distinct messages: my mom's mom loves her and is still here and my dad's mom loves him and is watching out for him. I know I talked to them. The joy has stayed too, but I feel like crying...I want to cry for joy, but I dont want anyone to see me cry because I dont want anyone to think I'm sad. I'm so full of joy, my only regret is well, I wish RED was at my side so I could share this joy with him. But still, I know hes here. In fact, he turned on my laptop right in front of my eyes today, while I was across the room. And the depression and grief is gone. I still miss him, but I know hes not really gone. He's here, he's just invisible to the human eye. And he has more to tell me during the next surgery. I can't wait. I feel like I'm starting a huge race, waiting for the start gun to go off....so happy and full of excitement to get started.

They gave me lortabs for pain and I had to stop them almost immediately because they made me itch and the pain was not severe anyway but I am having "coming down effects". My stomach is a little sensitive and my head a little light, but I imagine it will get better. I feel like a new life has been given to me and I am so ready to embrace it fully and share this love I feel with the whole world.

[ravenwoodglass]

I am glad to hear you are finding some peace. I hope it continues for you.