Parents Visiting After Baby Is Born

[SGWhiskers]

I moved out of state 3 months ago and my first child is due in 3 more months. I just went home for a visit with my parents and we started discussing plans for them to visit when baby is born. Now I've added the anxiety of managing what to do with them to the anxiety of birth and learning to be a new mother. I have 3 major goals I would like to accomplish when the baby is born and I really do need some help thinking though how to do this.

1) Allow my mom the grandma time she wants.

2)Not tick my step-father off enough so that he makes it more difficult for my mom to come visit. Or to cause another 10 years of not speaking to eacher other.

3)Along with my husband, learn to be be our own kind of parents and enjoy the time hubby has taken off of work for bonding with baby.

OK, so here is a little of the background.

I'm her only daughter. Mom's a bit pushy, but will respect boundaries if you are explicit about what you want. She is like me though and gets her feelings hurt easily. I really do want her to come to stay after the baby is born and maybe even while I'm in labor (My husband travels out of state almost daily for work).

My step dad is really pushy and used to getting his own way. He is tempermental and borders on verbally abusive to everyone in order to either get his own way or to make himself appear superior. We've always had a strained realationship, and 12 years ago, when I got married, I asked my mother to walk me down the aisle or for both of them to do it together. Mom refused and told me to elope. We ended up with a small local wedding and my husband and I walked down the aisle together. My step father didn't say more than hello to me for the next 8-10 years. We've started to mend that relationship and he is excellent with the nieces and nephews. Far more sensitive than he ever was with us. I'm pretty sure that if I ask him not to come, this will start another 10 years of not speaking and that possibly, he will ask me not stay with them when I want to visit my family back home.

My husband and I live a lifestyle that is our own. We have been married and without children for 12 years and have developed some very comfortable patterns and some strong opinions we share together. I'm nervous about giving birth and adjusting to the ways life will change. He is very excited for baby, but will need to have the space to experiment and learn about even the basics of child care as well as being a father. I don't really want to share this early parenting time with anyone.

We have no telivision and have not had one for 4 years. We like it that way. The house is very quiet all the time. Some would find it boring. We find it peaceful. This is a source of controversy for my step father even though he lives 8 hours away right now. I can only imagine that without the TV, he will engage in more conversations, which usually turn into disagreements or patronizing.

We are using cloth diapers and as many organic products we can afford. I will be wearing the baby as much as I'm comfortable with. Zero plastics will be going in her mouth until I can no longer stop her from grabbing them. I'm not the let her cry it out type of person especially with a newborn. The cat has been our baby and will need to adjust to having a new person in the house. He HATES visitors and hides the whole time. Oh! Introducing kitty and baby in the middle of a week of company chaos is a terrible strategy! None of this will go over as being important to my mother.

OK, there's more, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing I can't have them come the week the baby is born. I will go nuts. Can I put them in my house while I'm in the hospital and then in a hotel for a few days when we come home then ask them to come back in a month? They are vacationing in FL until 6 days before I'm due. It would be nice to have her there the week before baby comes and for the delivery and send them home when I'm discharged. Of course considering this is my first baby, that could turn into 3 weeks of waiting for baby and we might go nuts anyway.

Or will I be worn out enough after delivery that I need someone other than my husband to help?

Anyone want to talk me though this anxiety? Any suggestions for how to make everyone happy? For at least how to not cause a fight? Maybe pro-football games everyday to get my step father out of the house. It's too soon to golf in the beginning of March in WI right?

[kareng]

You do not need that stress right before, during or after delivery. Ask them to come to "help" after your hub goes back to work. I am assuming he is only taking a week or 2.

Have them stay in a hotel near-by "so you don't disturb thier sleep with a newborn". I had one baby C-sect & one not. You wil be fine the first few weeks with the hub only for help. The baby sleeps a lot the first few weeks. I had grandmas come to help and it was more work for me. This will also give Kitty time to adjust to baby.

[tarnalberry]

With a seven month old, a lot of similarities, lots of friends with newborns, and working with a lot of pregnant moms, I have lots of advice to offer. As with all advice you're getting, though, I want to encourage you to take it with a grain of salt, and see only if it resonates with you (or the contrary). In this vein, I offer the general advice that my midwife gave me: "The right decision is the one that meets the most needs of the most people in the family."

I moved out of state 3 months ago and my first child is due in 3 more months. I just went home for a visit with my parents and we started discussing plans for them to visit when baby is born. Now I've added the anxiety of managing what to do with them to the anxiety of birth and learning to be a new mother. I have 3 major goals I would like to accomplish when the baby is born and I really do need some help thinking though how to do this.

1) Allow my mom the grandma time she wants.

2)Not tick my step-father off enough so that he makes it more difficult for my mom to come visit. Or to cause another 10 years of not speaking to eacher other.

3)Along with my husband, learn to be be our own kind of parents and enjoy the time hubby has taken off of work for bonding with baby.

On that first goal, I would encourage you to think about it as allowing your mom the grandma time that is right for all of you - not just what she wants. On the second, you do what you can, but (and I know you know this, I'm just hoping to reinforce it), you do what's best for you, your husband, and the baby, his feelings be damned.

On the third goal, deep breath - you guys will do fine. You've probably heard the whole "mommy instinct" thing. How you'll just know what the right thing to do is. It's shockingly true. Creepily true. But ever so helpfully true. Bonding may or may not happen right away - for a friend, it was instantaneous. For myself and another friend, it took a while. (For myself, due to breastfeeding issues, I'd say it was at least a good two to three months. I'm totally serious on that.) But it will happen!

OK, so here is a little of the background.

I'm her only daughter. Mom's a bit pushy, but will respect boundaries if you are explicit about what you want. She is like me though and gets her feelings hurt easily. I really do want her to come to stay after the baby is born and maybe even while I'm in labor (My husband travels out of state almost daily for work).

Given that you say her feelings are easily hurt, and that your husband may be out of town, I would highly encourage you to see about getting a doula for the labor, and NOT having your mom there. You will likely say something that offends her, or be trying not to in a time where you need to just be. A doula will be there for *you*, not caring if you cuss her out or ask for more support over and over. And a doula will help you have the birth that YOU want, with no investment in it other than YOU being satisfied with your birth.

My step dad is really pushy and used to getting his own way. He is tempermental and borders on verbally abusive to everyone in order to either get his own way or to make himself appear superior. We've always had a strained realationship, and 12 years ago, when I got married, I asked my mother to walk me down the aisle or for both of them to do it together. Mom refused and told me to elope. We ended up with a small local wedding and my husband and I walked down the aisle together. My step father didn't say more than hello to me for the next 8-10 years. We've started to mend that relationship and he is excellent with the nieces and nephews. Far more sensitive than he ever was with us. I'm pretty sure that if I ask him not to come, this will start another 10 years of not speaking and that possibly, he will ask me not stay with them when I want to visit my family back home.

You don't have to ask him not to come, but you may have to work on your skills of straight up IGNORING his advice/comments. Let him say what he likes about parenting, about anything, but do what YOU feel is best. Know it will be an added stressor, but there's something kinda magical about the immediate post partum period where you really don't put up with much crap, but also get to stay in bed if you want.

My husband and I live a lifestyle that is our own. We have been married and without children for 12 years and have developed some very comfortable patterns and some strong opinions we share together. I'm nervous about giving birth and adjusting to the ways life will change. He is very excited for baby, but will need to have the space to experiment and learn about even the basics of child care as well as being a father. I don't really want to share this early parenting time with anyone.

Our story is not dissimilar - together for 14 years, married for 9 before our daughter was born. The change in patterns when having a kid are ... big. I found them relatively easy to get into, but I'm the mom - I have to do a lot of it. I also am not working, which makes a big difference. My husband is still having trouble adjusting to the lack of set free time and generally more demands on his time and space.

We did not have anyone over the first five or so days after our daughter was born. I came home from the birth center the evening she was born, and was told to stay in bed for a week due to a large quantity of blood loss. So, for five days, it was just the three of us, and my husband took care of *everything* (except the breastfeeding!). I am SOO glad that we did this and I highly recommend it. Yes, it's nice to have help around the house, but the first few days are fairly straightforward with baby sleeping most of the time for the first few days.

We have no telivision and have not had one for 4 years. We like it that way. The house is very quiet all the time. Some would find it boring. We find it peaceful. This is a source of controversy for my step father even though he lives 8 hours away right now. I can only imagine that without the TV, he will engage in more conversations, which usually turn into disagreements or patronizing.

You have one thing in your favor - you may spend a lot of time NOT in there presence even if they are there. Sleeping and nursing. DO NOT take it upon yourself to make sure to socialize with them just for their sake. This time is about YOU AND BABY, no one else. They are there to help, that's it. Later, you can work on compromises, but there is nursing to establish and sleep that needs to be gotten. These are VITAL things for both of you.

That said, the best advice I can give is just not to get into the conversation. Definitely something of a learned skill, but a good one to start on!

We are using cloth diapers and as many organic products we can afford. I will be wearing the baby as much as I'm comfortable with. Zero plastics will be going in her mouth until I can no longer stop her from grabbing them. I'm not the let her cry it out type of person especially with a newborn. The cat has been our baby and will need to adjust to having a new person in the house. He HATES visitors and hides the whole time. Oh! Introducing kitty and baby in the middle of a week of company chaos is a terrible strategy! None of this will go over as being important to my mother.

We're quite similar here too! We're EBF'ing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, baby wearing, BLW'ing, fairly AP parents who are still not interested in CIO. (BTW, even the books written about CIO say not to do it to a newborn - four months to six months at the earliest.) I would encourage you to consider working on her taking a bottle, as having the option of having a store of pumped milk in the fridge in case you go anywhere without her and she gets hungry is invaluable. I would also encourage you to not rule *anything* out. I didn't want to use pacifiers, but our daughter is a big comfort sucker. It's vital for getting her to sleep (along with swaddling, bouncing her on a ball, and being in a dark room...). She wouldn't ever take the pacifer, though, so instead it's my finger. And let me tell you, that gets old really quick when you have to use one arm to hold a 16lb baby bouncing on an exercise ball for 15 minutes. I'm not saying you *should* introduce one to her, just to not take anything off the table. Some things are crutches, but we use crutches when necessary for a reason.

As for what is important to your mother - it doesn't matter. These first few weeks are, I may have said before, about YOU. You need to stick to your guns, not defensively, but rather "this is how it is."

OK, there's more, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing I can't have them come the week the baby is born. I will go nuts. Can I put them in my house while I'm in the hospital and then in a hotel for a few days when we come home then ask them to come back in a month? They are vacationing in FL until 6 days before I'm due. It would be nice to have her there the week before baby comes and for the delivery and send them home when I'm discharged. Of course considering this is my first baby, that could turn into 3 weeks of waiting for baby and we might go nuts anyway.

I wouldn't even have them planning on coming until the little one is a week or two old. It sounds like it may be a bit of an emotional trial to have them around anyway, and you won't want more to make you uncomfortable in the days before you deliver. That initial bonding time is important. (I want to add, my daughter and I do much better if we are together the vast majority of the day. I better recognize her hunger cues and get her to sleep. She is more important than the feelings of the other people. Which reminds me, try not to go insane when you hear one of them holding your baby who is crying because he/she is hungry, but they have no clue. I seemed to be the only one who could recognize her hunger cry for months. Annoyed me to no end that they were trying to comfort an unhappy, hungry, baby without bringing her to me, but they didn't know.)

Or will I be worn out enough after delivery that I need someone other than my husband to help?

Anyone want to talk me though this anxiety? Any suggestions for how to make everyone happy? For at least how to not cause a fight? Maybe pro-football games everyday to get my step father out of the house. It's too soon to golf in the beginning of March in WI right?

Deep breath. This is a huge change, but it's one that you will find easier than it ought to be for the hugeness of it. It comes naturally to at least some degree, because it has to. Or, at least, it comes naturally if you listen to yourself and don't second guess yourself or listen to naysayers all the time. Don't even try to make everyone happy. Make baby happy, yourself happy, and hubby happy - in that order. Don't instigate a fight and you won't cause one, but realize that sticking to your guns may get someone *else* to start a fight. Ignore it.

My inlaws didn't actually get to spend *that* much time with the baby when they were here when she was first born. She slept and she ate; that was about it. My MIL helped around the house, and my FIL did telecommuting and read books. This first trip is about helping YOU, not about getting to "play with the baby". If it helps to have a list of chores, do. If it helps to have a list of things for them to do outside the house, do. Mostly, do your own thing as you need to. I slept, I asked for food, I nursed. I might have taken a shower, I don't entirely remember.

You will get through this just fine. Keep confidence in yourself!

[SGWhiskers]

Thank you for the support. I have not figured out how I'm breaking the news to mom, but my husband and I decided it would be best to have them come when the baby is 2 weeks old and he goes back to work. Fortunately, his parents will be more relaxed about when they come to see the baby.

I really do appreciate you guys helping me through that little panic attack.

[kareng]

Thank you for the support. I have not figured out how I'm breaking the news to mom, but my husband and I decided it would be best to have them come when the baby is 2 weeks old and he goes back to work. Fortunately, his parents will be more relaxed about when they come to see the baby.

I really do appreciate you guys helping me through that little panic attack.

Stress that you will really need her help when Hub goes back to work. Then let her do a few things. Maybe she watches the baby for 15 minutes so you can go to the grocery or walk around the block or take a nice long shower. Maybe she or her hub can do lots of the baby holding so you can move freely. I know some of this is hard to understand until you have had a baby attached in one way or another for 22 hours out of a day. My mom would come over and take me to the store for a brief time while my dad watched the baby. Send her some email pics and an update everyday day if that would help. If her hub has any special skills, take advantage of them. Even if it's just take your car to get gas and pick up some OJ.

[Lisa]

As a new grandmother, I was lucky to be invited into the delivery room and encouraged to be in the home, when baby arrived while dad was at work. I cleaned and cooked and offered anything that I was asked, and I respected the fact that I was in my daughters home. When she is in my home, I expect the same.

I was grateful for that time. Grandpa knew he would be in the way. Some of it's just lady stuff anyway. But we were within a few hours drive.

Perhaps sending some videos might satisfy a delayed visit. I agree with Tiffany, it's all about you, your family and your choices. But, I know others share in your excitement. Share the joy, in your own way.