gfp

forgot to say Harry Potter books rock.....

not only are then fun but they are exceptionally well written AND she writes them to expand reading ability.

Book 1 is aimed at 10yr olds.... (well a 9yr old girl is usually reading at 10yr old guy level) and book 2 at 11 etc. etc. so the vocabulary is (added, aggrandized, amassed, augmented, deepened, enhanced, exceeded, expanded, extended, freshened, furthered , highered, raised, supplemented, widened) each book.

I read the French ones and the writing style is excellent (supplimented, combined, augmented... you get the idea) with the vocabulary with each book.

When a business continually chooses to hire people who are untrainable, I blame the business. There are people out there who are not totally clueless and are available. Yes, you might have to pay them twenty-five cents more an hour, but the increased productivity (time not wasted on stuff they should have picked up while working in a doctor's office) would more than make up for it.

I wholeheartedly agree but from the MD's perspective if he has people rolling in and out of the practice and he can't fit any more in then the number who get messed about is irrelevant...and meanwhile they are paying 25c less an hour....

sad.... but true....

I find that most of these cook up quicker and better if they are soaked until flexible before putting them in boiling water.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why did I never think of that!

Its always a prob because the cooking time is so sensitive and soaking them in the boiling water leaves glue at one end and cardboard at the other if you try it with spagetti....

Someone from Newfoundland/Labrador in Eastern Canada. According to the jokes, they are dumber than a roomful of Blondes.

No offense to anyone blonde or from Newfoundland. (Pronounced like NEWfinnLand)

No no.....

1) Newfy: nm (noofii)

One working with or for the national park service who after pulling you over for going 91 in a 90 zone proceeds to say something unintilligible until you switch to French)

2) Newfy: A language created from the most unintilligible parts of in Irish mixed with akadian french

3) Newfy A large black and tan dog that barks in a strange accent and likes bathing in glacier water

apologies .....

No.. what is REALLY STUPID is what I did once... getting back to the UK and wanting my fav flavoured chips (crisps for UK readers) which meant I opened the bag and took a bit THEN started reading the labels while still chewing!

OK but most importantly is mullet gluten-free or not.....

WOW .....

Well welcome to somewhere we do understand!

I have a few comments and a few speculations ... Im going to cast them all into the air together but that doesn't mean one or any of them is you, I just want you to look and read and then think

OK.... first off.. Soy is a problem for many. I personally am fine but I keep it in moderation because my mom was sensitive and actually being poisioned by some of her meds containing soy. I figure the last thing I need is to develop another intolerance so I moderate my soy intake...

Secondly... and Im sorry, lots of people are going to disagree with me but your a chronically underweight vegetarian. I honestly think you are going to have to make a choice between your health and morals.

I'm not saying vegetarianism is BAD per-se.... what I'm saying is eating a healthy balanced diet AND being a vegetarain AND celaic is damned hard!

If you want I can explain why.... but largely the balance of nutrients is hard to get* unless you are eating wheat and soy and these are the very foods causing problems.

(*Its not impossible but it does involve a very detailed knowledge of nutrition and a LOT of work... some people just manage better than others as vegetarians and their bodies get sufficient nutrients and others don't. )

The thing is in your case being really underweight is causing you problems and its time to consider why you have no energy and why you are loosing weight...

I know I shouldn’t care what others think.. but it dosnt help at all when I’m not trying to do this to myself and people just do not understand that I have an actual medical condition and not a mental one.

Please be entirely honest and say if you have ever had an eating disorder ... I'm not being accusative here but people need to know to give you the best advice so its best to get that out of the way.... I don't think you are ... but I need to ask ....

Now onto the real meat (excuse the pun)

You really need to check and recheck your gluten free diet.

Most of us started off thinking we were gluten free and missing things.

The most important two things you can discover here are cross contamination and hidden gluten.

I encourage you to please read and do searches on this site.....on these two issues.

Briefly: CC (cross contamination) means getting the slightest crumb... or stirring with the same spoon.. or using the same dishcloth ....

THIS SEEMS EXTREME AND PARANOID ...... honestly its not! You can read all the experiences here.... you will see so many people who say this because we all went through it....

The bottom line is if you share a kitchen with non celiacs you are more than likely getting contaminated.... if you kiss your BF after he eats gluten... you are getting contaminated.

Hidden gluten: WOW... they use the stuff everywhere..including lipsticks and cosmetics.

A recent study shows the "average" celiac takes 6-8 weeks to recover from a minor incident with gluten.

Yes... 6-8 weeks...what this means in practice is if you get a single crumb or piece transferred in dishwasher or from a pan used to cook gluten you will be ill for 6-8 weeks in varying degrees.

If you have been getting this since diagnosis then you are literally taking 3 steps forwards and 2 back but in your case it seems 3 forwards and 3 back.

I hope some of this makes sense and I hope you can find something that you hadn't thought of BECUASE if you do then you have your answer. MD's almost never warn people about the CC or hidden gluten because they simply never thought about it.... but the smallest piece of gluten you can see is more than enough to make you sick!

Have a think and see if any of this applies to you.... try and answer each question because a NO is aas valuable as a YES sometimes...(and lets get the food issues out of the way .. not because I think you have one but because we need to get that out of the picture or not)

We are all here to help you....

If someone is in total disagreement with threads involving alternative healing or anything else....perhaps they should just skip those threads entirely??? This would go a long way in preventing disputes among board members.....just my opinion.

Rachel, I agree right up to here but I think there is a point that these can degenerate into something wholy dangerous.

Its one thing to pray for someone to get better and another to try complimentary things but when these advocate extreme and damaging measures its another. This includes when MD's say stupid things like "Why not just try gluten again" ... but also views like "if you only eat organic wheat" etc.

In an extreme case these lead to madness .... its only a couple of years ago a nun was cruxified to death in Eastern Europe casting out demons... its a regular event in the UK that certain immigrant communities torture children to death casting out demons ...

My honest opinion is I don't want to be a part of something leads to hurting someone else and I have a moral obligation to not ignore this.

Now I realise that I personally have an errant "factual correctness gene" so I'm apt to jump in way too early but equally others have errant "political correctness genes" or "anti-conflict genes" that prevent them jumping in even when its harmful.

Of course we are all mixed up and I think that therefore these things balance out ... but I jusat wanted to express my 2c... on that.

Shopping...

In general major supermarkets ... which are somewhat hit and miss in central London....

Tesco, Asda, Sainsburies have gluten-free sections, M&S has them in with "normal food" ....

If you are driving its worth a trip to the larger ones outside of central London.

Resto wise... a couple.. I usually try and find a La Tasca tapas place.... they have a gluten-free menu but more places are starting up and I haven't been in London for over a year.

C.S. Lewis ? in general...

"Mystery" wise and somewhat funny in its antiquated style Enid Blighton

Daffacilly, you crack me up. I am very creative, so I could call myself a poet or artist or whatever.

Steve, I have several reasons why a religious retreat is not necessarily what I want right now. There is only one non-catholic one fairly close (about one hour west of here).

a) You have to be referred by your pastor, and I asked him already two years ago, and he wouldn't do it (his wife told me today that she doesn't have a clue why, and will ask him).

b)It would be at least six months to a year to get in (and I need to get away NOW).

c)It's not in the forest, which is where I would like to be (near a lake).

d)An acquaintance of mine goes there frequently. When I figured out I have AS, she claimed she had it, too. She went to be officially diagnosed, and was told there was no way she had it (while I was told I am a classical textbook case). She still insisted the doctor was wrong. So, I sent her all the online tests I had (I can't find one now, I lost it when my computer crashed). She did a couple, and scored lower than the average NT (while my scores are through the roof), but claimed that didn't mean anything. I asked her to do the rest, and she said she didn't need to, because she KNEW she had AS. Anyway, she went to this retreat place, and told me that they cast demons out of her, and cured her of her AS by doing that. She said that the AS was a curse that was on her family because a great-grandmother, who probably had AS, hanged herself. And that's the biggest reason I don't want to go.

I haven't told Ken that crazy story, because he'd be all for me going there, and having 'my demons' cast out, too, to be 'cured' of the AS. That idea scares me to death. Because AS is NOT caused by demons! They would possibly mess me really up, and make me worse.

EEEEKKKK

OK, I better not comment on that type of retreat...suffice it to say its this sort of thing that gives me my views on religion...but I guess your pastor's reluctance might be quite sensible given this.

.... and as for AS diagnosis.... well as you know its a set of tests made up by NT's... so IMHO its a non-NT test which doesn't mean all people who test non-NT are necassarily "the same" ... more a convenient label by the NT's who like to classifiy anything non-NT as "different" and apply the same label!

Daffadillly: Hey Ursual she sounds spot on.... she may have said it humerously but you can just jump in a car and drive somewhere secluded and pray or contemplate and if Ken objects tell him your going to pray where you feel close to God away from distracations!

I never quite understood why "mullet"?

gfp -

You once posted the ingredients list from a spaghetti sauce can (or something similar). My question is: Do the ingredients lists in Europe always list the percentage composition? Labels in the US don't, which is why I ask. Just curious !

No but you can often work them out....

For instance tomato soup has X g. of fat and the fat is pretty much only going to come from butter/margerine or oil...

The protein g you can assign to the milk....

Just use 3kCal/g for protein and carbohydrates and 9 for fats...

1/8 tsp gluten-free baking soda ??? just a guess...

if you are in any doubt you can just google a recipe and then this gives you a great guide... to amounts and then experiment with undisclosed herbs or spices...

so you can get the basic ingredients from the can and then google and when you find a similar recipee...(using the same basic ingredients) you can use those as the proportions...

edit

Sorry forgot to mention... I just posted the basic neapolitan and bolgnese sauce recipes... since this is what Ragu are copying anyway.... but lets face it we have to read every darned tin anyway....and even when we do we still face risks so I always read the label with an eye to "hmm.. can i make this myself"..

My husband's favorite chili recipe calls for a can of condensed tomato soup. What is the closest gluten-free alternative?

1 lb. home canned or tin canned whole tomatoes

2 cups milk (optional)

2 Tbls butter or margarine (dairy up to you)

1/8 tsp gluten-free baking soda

salt and pepper to taste

You can add a pinch or two of celery salt ... stick in a blender and ....

Oh... and it's also a nice soup

You can make an authetic Campbells by obtaining some GM tomatoes, soy and corn syrup

Campbells received 13 permits from the U.S. Department of Agriculture to field test genetically engineered tomatoes

but personally I prefer not

A really cheap trick I use is I have a little camera on my palm pilot and take pics of the labels on stuff (you can just note em down) and then you can recreate the same thing at home....

Not easy, but I think well worth a try! Hope you're better soon.

Easy is relative......

Looking back I think its much harder to eliminate foods one by one which is what I did for 6 months ....than eliminate everything then slowly add them and on top of that I think mostly we all tend towards doing the gradual elimination BUT its way more confusing ...was it the soy or was it the milk???? and the whole delay thing with intolerances just makes this harder and even more confusing... was it the soy last week or the milk yesterday???

In the end I'm eating soy and milk... my casein intolerance is much more controllable than gluten and manageable so I eat limited dairy ... try and go goat over cow etc. but its not like being gluten-free all or nothing for me....

Soy, I never had a prob BUT my mom does/did....

I call it common sense not to eat something that might push you to an intolerance so I eat soy sparingly...

I think a diagnosis, self or other, can support a closed mind and that it is important to stay open to the possiblity that more is going on than we understand.

When I came to this board I presented all of my digestive problems and received support and confirmation that quite likely it was Celiac and so I proceeded down the gluten free path. It has been very helpful but I am still ill and it is not only Celiac. What concerns me is that I see people being supported to explore being a Celiac but not being encouraged to explore all the ways in which their bodies are breaking down, if in fact they are breaking down.

I feel part of the Lyme fooferaw which I suspect is some part of the "this board is ..." feeling although honestly, don't boards just change? And just as when I first understood about Celiac I was living in Celiac world now I am living in Lyme world, LOL and as an aside, IMO for all that Tailz was ala Steve Martin a "wild and crazy girl" she might just also be right about Lyme. I am on the diagnostic path with that, with a real doctor (who thinks I may have Celiac and Lyme) and may have more to say later but may also largely move on. I find it painful now to read the newbie threads and see myself and know it is inappropriate to scream "LYME" at them but at the same time I'm alarmed at how much confirmation they are getting in the Celiac diagnosis. I would like to see them encouraged to keep an open mind to what is going on with their bodies and to keep asking questions.

rinne

This is a very good point.....

When I was a noobie and first diagnosed I really thought I was gluten-free..... I wasn't and people kept telling me don't trust processed foods .. don't believe about cosmetics not hurting .... and mostly about CC and hidden gluten I was wrong and they were right....

If it hadn't been for these people I might still be ill

As for Lymes ... yes I think its a distinct possibility along with quite a few others (adeno virus, h. pylori .... and probably a few we haven't discovered yet) and its chicken and egg.

and talking about egg... yes a few people might end up with it on their faces over Lymes and celiac disease.

Thanks for the Info.! Have checked out the website and it seems that they have everything that I will need.

One question about the human organs though; are they gluten free too?

I think you can order them either way!

Seriously though anything can be bought in Dubai for the price and you need to decide what that price is....

Certain things seem expensive at first and others dirt cheap (and Ive lived pretty much throughout the region) and its up to you to compensate yourself and hopefully save some money ...

If you want to get asian supplies hire a maid/houseboy with the right background (you are also giving someone a job even if it seems weird at first) and send them to the markets .... you can also hire yourself a cook but I never felt comfortable people doing my own housework...

Make sure your company pay for the american hospital btw ....

Completely off-topic but the best thing I can say about Dubai is its an incredible place to travel from....

everything else the local expat community will pretty much sort you out.

Open Original Shared Link

On average, it takes 6-8 weeks for the body to recover and heal after an exposure to a small amount of gluten.

Hello everyone!

I was diagnosed as a Coeliac at the beginning of 2006 and have been on a gluten-free diet ever since. Being as I live in the UK, I have been fortunate enough to get all I need (and probably more) in terms of gluten-free special foods on prescription through the NHS. I have been very pleased with the taste of many of the bread and pasta substitute products - something that has made the transition to the new diet much easier.

Anyhow, the big deal is that I am moving to Dubai in October, so it's goodbye NHS prescription for gluten-free foods!

Can anyone tell me if there is anywhere to get gluten-free foods in Dubai? There are so many millions of ex-pats there and so much imported food that I would guess gluten-free food is available somewhere.

Thanks!

Long and short answers?

There is an Organic Foods shop opposite Rydges Plaza or in the Greens Tel 04 398 9410 (satwa) 04 361 7974 f (greens)

see Open Original Shared Link

They have fresh bread every Tuesday and Friday.

Maps here: Open Original Shared Link

Gluten free products here

Open Original Shared Link

Also, are there any SE Asian grocery stores that would sell tapioca / rice flour, rice noodles etc?

Yes and no.... your company might not take kindly to you fratenising with the immigrant worker community.

Welcome to Vegas baby.... without the "official" gambling and vice....

list of things that cannot be bought in Dubai

Respect

citizenship without 100% arab blood

equality

Everything else is available, the price depending on legality .... and I mean anything... want a human organ... someone will go out and kill someone to order very cheap. Want a slave price based on skin color and chosen chemical dependance.....

First things first ....

WELCOME HOME

no really because you don't realise it yet but your story is far from uncommon so make yourself at home and start reading our books as it were.

My dr said that immune disorders, colitus, and celiacs normally come together and most people with one or two get the others eventually...thanks so much for informing me of this now.

and your story is far from uncommon (unfortunately)

Anyways so I read all about celiacs online, about what i could and could not have. I went and saw the nutritionist who was absolutely no help what so ever, she didn't tell me anything more than what I already knew from the internet.

again welcome to the club!

I do not get any of the external symptoms of celiacs like majority of people do, it just destroys my insides without my knowledge of it, so I don't know when I eat gluten by mistake.

Many people are also non-symptomatic. However you may find you have other symptoms you don't rtealise you have. (seriously) and that you realise this once they go away....in other words you have scope to be better and better still!

Long answer is discussed elsewhere .. short answer... some of us symptomatic types do react to grain alcohol.

Since you can't tell I give you my personal motto "When in doubt, leave it out"

nini answered about buckwheat BUT there are lots of other non gluten "grains" you can discover like quinoa

Have a look around, make yourself at home and then ask some specifics and you will get lots of helpful people doing everything they can for you.

And did I say? WELCOME!

As a forum admin of an active board using this same software I have this adivce based on the above posts.

1) Update the existing FAQ, esply with reguards to orangization and clarity (I bet most of you did not even read it...)

2) Stop using pin'd for approved topics. It has no effect since most ppl just use "View New Messages". Assume all posts are aproved when posted, and reactivily delete the ones that are spam/etc. This is how most forums do it, and IMO it works much better.

3) Use a pined topic for the comon suttf in each section. Close the topic so that only moderators can reply to it. When question is asked that is answered in the pin'd thread, link to it and explain (nicely!) that alot of information is in that thread. This helps teach ppl to use it.

4) Do NOT increase the work Scott has to do, all this should be up to the moderator staff.

5) Do NOT moderat threads to keep them "on topic", that will stiffle the board and discussion in a very negative way.

6) Send a "newbie pack" out to all new registrations on teh board. I do this with my forum and I get very postive feed back. Its a about a 2 page letter that explians all the major parts of the site. I wrote a script that does it automagicly, and I would be hapy to share the script with Scott if he wants it.

Thats my opinion, and its worth exactly as much as you think it is.

Well I think #6 is outstanding! But my understanding is that #2 is non-negotiable and has been asked before... much as I agree with you that it works better.

The rest I agree 100%..... #6 I agree 200%

Ok then same advice I give ALL noobies...

Drop everything with allergens for 3 months and I mean milk, soy specifically but you can remove anything YOU suspect... and then start adding stuff gradually and one at once like goats cheese....

Take NO CC risks and NO hidden gluten/soy/casein/lactose risks...

Just go totally natural for 3 months.

Lets put this straight.....

Firstly wheat starch is usually produced by washing the grain in water.

Starch is soluble and gluten and glutamine are not ..... except there is really no such thing as not.

So parts of the gluten are carried intot he product BUT since the gluten is "non-toxic" noone cares (except us)

The scientific way this is described is by partition coefficients....

That is say you have a product (gluten) it has at a certain temperature and pressure a partition coefficient between water and alcohol. So if you add a mix and the partition coeff is .9 water/alcohol then 10% of it will go into the alcohol.

If you then take the same refined product and do it again then again 10% of the 10% (=1%) will be left and a 3rd time only 0.1% ....

Commercially starch and proteins from gains are seperated using either:

1) alkalia reduction .... this is highly efficient but destroys the gluten making it unsellable as a byproduct.

2) The Martin process: pretty much as described

This process has been in use since the 1920s and is still in use today. It is based on

the principle of forming a dough (made by mixing flour with ~85% of its weight in

water) and then washing the starch out of the dough. This is better than the alkali

process as it prevents the protein from being damaged, allowing it to be recovered

and sold as a by-product. Another advantage is that it is a much cheaper process to

run, since it uses water instead of an alkali.

Washing creates a ‘milk’ which is processed in centrifuges to extract the starch,

further washing purifies the product and produces a ‘starch cake’ recoverable at

the output. In general 60% of the weight of flour will be recovered as high-grade

starch and a further 15% can be recovered as second-grade starch (by hydrocylone

concentration). High grade starch is defined by higher percentage of large granule

starch, lower liquid content, lower protein content and a lower content of

impurities, compared to the lower grade starch.

The protein (gluten) can be dried and sold for use as an additive to foodstuffs.

3/ The 'batter process'

This process has been in use since the 1920s and is still in use today. It is based on

the principle of forming a dough (made by mixing flour with ~85% of its weight in

water) and then washing the starch out of the dough. This is better than the alkali

process as it prevents the protein from being damaged, allowing it to be recovered

and sold as a by-product. Another advantage is that it is a much cheaper process to

run, since it uses water instead of an alkali.

Washing creates a ‘milk’ which is processed in centrifuges to extract the starch,

further washing purifies the product and produces a ‘starch cake’ recoverable at

the output. In general 60% of the weight of flour will be recovered as high-grade

starch and a further 15% can be recovered as second-grade starch (by hydrocylone

concentration). High grade starch is defined by higher percentage of large granule

starch, lower liquid content, lower protein content and a lower content of

impurities, compared to the lower grade starch.

The protein (gluten) can be dried and sold for use as an additive to foodstuffs.

4/ Alpha-Laval decantation

So you can wash wheat in water (basically what all these processes do) and end up with say 95% pure starch (this is normal wheat starch) BUT and now we hit the madness this is all wrapped up in a definition by the WHO's agriculture and food commision .... which is funded and run by ... the food industry.

Since the alkali process destroys gluten which can be sold its not much used!

Now according to this when they first defined gluten free they decided on a "practical" limit. This limit was determined not in any medical way BUT by the industry over what was cheapest.

Then the industry went away and did tests... they said food under 200ppm would be tested on celiacs and they went off and did tests to prove this did no damage.

If this was my job here is how i would prove it ....

I would take wheat starch that conforms with the CODEX <200ppm (actually though that includes the harmelss glutamine portion as well as the gliadin portion....)

I would then purify this so that it had only 1 ppb (billion) gliadin because 1ppb is still less than 200 ppm and so it cheats the test definition which I invented specifically to be cheated.

I would then run the tests and say that within statistical error CODEX wheat starch did no damage.

No need to publish that you actually used 1ppb not 200ppm you just keep saying <200ppm.

So this is cool right.... 1 ppb means that the chance of any one celaic receiving this molecule is really small....and you can still say it was wheat starch according to CODEX and contained <200ppm....

You can even do studies and add 198 ppm glutamine and say its was 200 ppm total nitrogen dry matter (the definition)

NoGluGirl: I'm sorry, it's hard enough without people not understanding. My roommates were like this at first, until they saw how consistent I was (not just being crazy for fun) and how incredibly sick gluten made me. Hopefully they'll come around.

As for the pans... it's your decision, but I wouldn't use them. I shared at first, and kept getting sick all the time. Tinfoil works well for anything that needs to be baked. If you can afford to buy one pan (or save up to buy one): buy a ricecooker! I cook everything in it--rice, pasta, steamed veggies, boiled potatoes, stew... anything you'd make in a normal pot. I have one other pan (a cast iron skillet) that I rarely use, but I use the rice cooker almost every day. You can get one from Target for about $15. And if you need dishes, IKEA has some for 50 cents each or go to the dollar store.

I really agree....

I would rather use cheap Ikea pans than good quality CC ones.... it is just so not worth the risk.

Cast iron skillets and stainless can be really cleaned .. ultimately you can use emery paper or a drill attachment and strip back the metal and remove any scratches (if its cast iron you need to re proove it afterwards)

Also large amounts of oven cleaner ....

Really good enamel the same with the oven cleaner but teflon etc. you just can't and I know its heart breaking but its better to just get a cheap IKEA one than risk being sick IMHO...

If you really can't get new pans then you can fry some very strong food dye (like tumeric) into the pan and clean it until you can't see it anymore then fry some gluten-free flour and see if it turns yellow then repeat this 3 times....

Steve, I can't believe you said that. Coming from you (and knowing where you stand when it comes to religion), that must be one of the sweetest, most caring things anybody has ever said to me. You sure are a true friend. How can I be upset with you for saying what you did?

And you're so right. I don't know about a religious retreat, but I am thinking that maybe it would be possible to rent a small cabin somewhere north of us, where I can be alone for a few days, to be, to pray, to walk and be alone with God. No other people allowed. If our pastor agrees that I need to do that, I am sure Ken will agree. Because really, I am totally burned out, and need a break.

I think a retreat would be better because you never know what you will come up contemplating and if you might need another human soul to discuss it.

I know these exist for catholics ....

I think you would enjoy a regimented regime of praying, solitude and communion with your God but having time to be alone as well. This has been available to catholics forever (almost) because you are not in such a strange situation, many people need this ....

If you were buddist I would probably have said the same.... its like a health camp with food for the soul thrown in on top!

Ken HAS been trying, but he is doing all the wrong things, and they don't make me feel better. His 'love language' is works of service. So, he'll wash my car (which I do appreciate), do the dishes, wash the floor etc. And really, I notice and appreciate all that. But it doesn't make me feel loved. What makes me feel loved is 'words of affirmation' and 'receiving gifts'.

Well, even though Ken knows what makes me feel loved (we've gone through that by both reading the book 'The five love languages', and through a marriage seminar, which we did so they could help me be the wife he wanted, obviously), he NEVER gives me gifts outside Christmas and birthday, and even then he won't give me what I really want, even if I outright tell him.

Again just my 2c BUT you have to show appreciation even when he does the "wrong thing".... the fact he is TRYING means he is desperately searching but his personality is fighting this.

I personally have to make mental notes to give my girlfriend flowers... why? Because I don't understand ... but I have trained myself to give flowers because it makes her happy ... but that doesn't mean I understand or part of me doesn't feel like it is buying love, I just have to overcome that.

From my perspective its perfectly obvious that Ken is not the strong one in your relationship even though he spends all his time and energy trying to be. This can be very hard for any man in any case but when that man believes in a certain concept of marriage it has got to be harder. IMHO he needs encouragemenbt even when he try's and does exactly the wrong thing because the effort is what counts and the effort is something you can build on.

I try to do stuff for him, like cooking nice meals, or getting special gifts (my specialty, of course), or organizing his 50th birthday party this year, even though having people come from far and wide and having the house 'invaded' by them was incredible stress for me. But I really hardly have the energy for living right now, never mind always 'doing' special things.

OK this is perhaps harsh but.... I think he just expects you to do that as a wife....

Today my chiropractor (who is also a good friend), asked me what's happening, and I told him I need to get away for a while. And he said, "Well, what's stopping you? If that is what you need to do, then go for it, you deserve a break." And he said that there are lots of places I could go to north of here, and he is right.

Ursula, Canada is huge and sparsely populated ... he's spot on!

I'd still maybe think about an organised retreat though .... I know you have it hard but there are millons of people in Canada and you are not alone and I'm sure you will find places are set-up to help people deal with this situation and self-contemplate.... while having a support network if you do need company or someone to talk things over with.