Why Are People So Mean?

[tiredofdoctors]

Okay, I'm going to reveal the really passive-aggressive side of me. My birthday will be coming up in a couple of months -- there are two more coming before me. I know that there won't be anything for me to eat birthday-wise at these two. So, when it comes to my birthday, my husband and I are going to tell my mother that my husband has the cake taken care of. When it comes time for cake and ice-cream, we're not going to have any there. When they ask where it is, we're going to tell them that we're having what I have at every birthday -- nothing. I know it's immature, but so is my family . . . Lynne

[Judyin Philly]

Gosh, I just took Jens post off

rats i'm getting off. was just cking my spelling and gave up.

i'm so sorry Jen-- you shared some great wisdom as usual.

Lollie-

It can be sad to set up boundaries with someone we care about, but sometimes there are certain places we can't go with other people b/c of how they continue to respond or treat us.

Lollie

You've had some good advice in this thread but none of it is easy to do.

A quick responce.....when I was 32, had a baby and hubby, had just move fromCA back to Ohio-- mom wanted to take me out to lunch..(didn't even know the word celiac then) I was excited to spend some time with her. After we were seated she say's " I have something to say to you. Since you've been in therapy, I don't like the person you've become." Of course i took the bait and asked why...'It's all about you now"

My responce after that took everything I had in me--because my thearipist was teaching me to set boundrys,

"Gosh, Mom, I'm so sorry you feel that way because I really like the person I've become and I'm not going back to my old ways for you or anyone else. I'm glad you told me and I love you for sharing that with me.

My therapist said she wasn't surprised.. mom was thinking she was losing control of me...now i'm 32 for heavens sake.

Put your Mom's losing her partner in the mix and I bet she couldn't make him better and wants you to 'just get fixed' so she doesn't have to worry about you. Now that said,,not in a mean way, but as our parents age they get so agiated and fixated on things and i think their worlds get smaller. Know what i mean.

Gosh i'm rambeling here. Lost my precious mom 5 months ago but things were between us after that and I don't regret saying it.

Think it's best to try to set up some honest boundrys with her and try not to discuss it.

for what it's worth...hope it helps some..we've all been there one way or another.

judy in Philly

[tiredofdoctors]

Judy just made me think of this -- there is a book -- I think it is called "The Dance of Intimacy" -- in fact, I'm almost 100% sure. I read it when I started making big changes in my life and in my assertiveness level. The book describes the changes which occur within relationships when one person changes and the others don't. It gives some very good coping strategies, but also is really comforting that it's O.K. for you to change -- and the other will have to eventually come around. It's very good . . . . Lynne

[Judyin Philly]

Judy just made me think of this -- there is a book -- I think it is called "The Dance of Intimacy" -- in fact, I'm almost 100% sure. I read it when I started making big changes in my life and in my assertiveness level. The book describes the changes which occur within relationships when one person changes and the others don't. It gives some very good coping strategies, but also is really comforting that it's O.K. for you to change -- and the other will have to eventually come around. It's very good . . . . Lynne

Lynne,

thanks alot of my friends and i have read it. It's a great book and need to re read it.

Lollie, I think you could ck it out at the library. Lynnes, right, look into it.

NOW I'M REALLY GOING TO bed

J

[Lollie]

Thanks everybody!!!! It's so nice to wake up this morning and have a bunch of posts to read, I like starting out positive!!! I feel 100% better this morning, I guess the gluten is out of my body! I'm going to be extra careful now! I can't wait to go get the cake mix!!!! I feel very inpowered about the whole party thing!!!! My brother likes cherries so I think I will try the yogurt tip!

Lynne....I love it!!! Ihope you really do it!

Judy... thanks for sharing your experience, I think your right about her feeling she couldn't fix my dad and she can't fix me either! I think it is a little selfishness coming out, too, in that if I'm sick who's going to take care of her. I will definantly try the book. I'll be out and about today, so I'll look for it! I'm sorry about your lose, it really is hard!

Floridanative....I think your on to something. I think she probably is celiac/gluten sensitive, we have alot of the same issues and she has diabetes. I would not doubt she might be feeling guilty about the genes. Maybe I'll try to get a better dialoge going on between us and see if she will talk to me about what all this is about. I know she is worried, she always has been. I lost over a hundred pounds when i first got sick and have a struggle to keep it level now. But I'm hoping now that I'm gluten-free maybe I'll be able to maintain better! When mom is worried she is always mean....I don't know why? Just her, I guess!

Again, Thanks to all. I'm off to the grocery store for good gluten-free goodies. I'm having a Valentine making party, for my little girls dance class, and I'm making lunch for the kids and their mom's, gluten-free of course. I think I'll make a cake for both the parties!

-Lollie

[Judyin Philly]

Thanks everybody!!!! It's so nice to wake up this morning and have a bunch of posts to read, I like starting out positive!!! I feel 100% better this morning, I guess the gluten is out of my body! I'm going to be extra careful now! I can't wait to go get the cake mix!!!! I feel very inpowered about the whole party thing!!!! My brother likes cherries so I think I will try the yogurt tip!

Lynne....I love it!!! Ihope you really do it!

Judy... thanks for sharing your experience, I think your right about her feeling she couldn't fix my dad and she can't fix me either! I think it is a little selfishness coming out, too, in that if I'm sick who's going to take care of her. I will definantly try the book. I'll be out and about today, so I'll look for it! I'm sorry about your lose, it really is hard!

Floridanative....I think your on to something. I think she probably is celiac/gluten sensitive, we have alot of the same issues and she has diabetes. I would not doubt she might be feeling guilty about the genes. Maybe I'll try to get a better dialoge going on between us and see if she will talk to me about what all this is about. I know she is worried, she always has been. I lost over a hundred pounds when i first got sick and have a struggle to keep it level now. But I'm hoping now that I'm gluten-free maybe I'll be able to maintain better! When mom is worried she is always mean....I don't know why? Just her, I guess!

Again, Thanks to all. I'm off to the grocery store for good gluten-free goodies. I'm having a Valentine making party, for my little girls dance class, and I'm making lunch for the kids and their mom's, gluten-free of course. I think I'll make a cake for both the parties!

-Lollie

Lollie--

glad we could help.

You know my mom sounds like your mom...stuborn, set in her ways, gets 'mean' i'll call it 'testy' when challanged...but as they get older, esp after losing you Dad--I bet your on to something here--

I think it is a little selfishness coming out, too, in that if I'm sick who's going to take care of her. I

Have a great day...your going to be so busy you won't have time to worry about your Mom.

Judy in PHilly

[floridanative]

Lollie - I think your mom and mine are a lot alike. My sister's first child died a week after he was born. He was normal for about 10 hours and then he was found not breathing when the nurse came in to get my sister to nurse him. Anyway, without question this was the hardest thing that our family ever went through. I live in another state so I tried hard to help my sister but my Mother lived close by her and she once called my sister only a month after my nephew's death and said the following - you better stop crying get out of bed before your husband leaves you. No this is not a joke, nor an exaggeration. My brother in law eventually had to tell my mother where to go because the hateful comments kept coming for a while. My sister was too weak at the time to stand up for herself. So I think your mother doesn't like things she doesn't understand and it breaks her heart that she can't 'fix' you as others have said. And she just has a very odd way of showing that.

Have fun with your cakes/parties!!

[ravenwoodglass]

I'm having a Valentine making party, for my little girls dance class, and I'm making lunch for the kids and their mom's, gluten-free of course. I think I'll make a cake for both the parties!

-Lollie

Please be careful with the glues for the valentines, many are gluten filled. I always wear nonpwdered gloves to be on the safe side.

Have fun making the cakes, and ya know if you don't tell them they are gluten-free I bet they won't be able to tell. Glad your in better spirits have fun with the valentines.

[tiredofdoctors]

Lollie -- You go girl!! I hope your cakes turn out wonderfully! I'll let you know how the whole birthday thing goes when it happens -- my family is going to be shocked! . . . Lynne