How Do You Cope With Asperger's People At Christmas?

[georgie]

Can anyone offer advise here ? I am going crazy. My husband has Asperger's we think. How can I cope with this at Christmas and at other times ? He acts so weird that it upsets me and my family. He hates Christmas and makes sure we all will too !!! None of my family understand why he acts so weird - and now they are avoiding contact with us. I am feeling more and more isolated.

[jerseyangel]

Hi Georgie,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way--today of all days

I wish I had some advice, but I don't have any experience dealing with Asperger's. There are several people here who do, though, and I'm sure that by tomorrow someone will help you out.

[georgie]

Thanks! I did a google serach but its all about kids with Aspergers - no mention of adults ( or their wives !). Every function our family has now is ruined. I am cheesed off about this....

[Rachel--24]

Georgie,

I dont know anything about Aspergers.....just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to go through this during the holidays.

[CarlaB]

Georgie,

I'm sorry you're having trouble. There is at least one person on this board who has it, maybe she'll chime in to tell you what it's like from their side and maybe how to deal with it. It's been interesting to me to read her posts about her condition because I'm pretty much the opposite ... I have to be around people or it drives me nuts!!!

You might be able to do a search on this board for it and read about it here.

[Ursa Major]

Georgie, I am sorry your husband is spoiling Christmas for you. Unfortunately, some of my kids feel the same way about me.

Last year we had Christmas early at my oldest daughter's house, and that worked well. The whole reason was to take pressure off me, so I didn't have to do anything other than playing with the children and keeping them away from the people who were cooking and all the stuff that overwhelms me. Also, I had a room I could go to and close the door if I had to. It worked well.

This year we were going to have Christmas at our second daughter's house, but they moved on December 14th (due to her husband getting a new job), in the opposite direction of my oldest daughter. Meaning, if we'd have stuck with our original plan, my oldest daughter, hubby and five children, including a little baby, would have had to travel for ten hours to get there. Not doable.

So, it had to be at our house, which is roughly in the middle. Because my newest grandchild came two weeks early (Abby was due on Jan. 3rd), nobody could stay at their house, either.

So, we had one family of seven, and another one of three people stay at our house. Some of them for four days. It was very overwhelming for me.

But even though it will be weeks before I'll have recovered, it isn't as bad as it could have been. The kids did most of the cooking (I ended up cooking yesterday, with the help of my one son-in-law), and they did rearrange half my house. Which added stress for me, as I hate change and get very upset when things aren't where I put them.

Fortunately, my oldest daughter came to me while they did that, to warn me that things would look different downstairs, and to tell me where they put things, so I knew where to look. That made a big difference, as it wasn't too bad a shock when I got down. The reason for that was, that my mother-in-law, and my husband's brother, wife and two kids were also coming for lunch on Saturday (our big Christmas meal, because some people couldn't make it for supper).

So, Saturday we had 26 people for lunch. I didn't come downstairs until it was time for people to arrive. The kids and my husband looked after everything, because I would have just collapsed under the stress otherwise. As it is, I managed.

And later, when the in-laws were all gone, we had our gift exchange. That was fun, even though I didn't get at all what I wanted (as usual). I did well on buying gifts, and I think everybody was pleased.

Later some of them were playing games. I spent time on the computer instead, to recuperate from all the noise and confusion.

Anyway, what I am saying is, when you have people over, that in itself is stressful enough, your husband can probably not handle being given any responsibilities other than being somewhat pleasant. You ask him to do things and help, he will probably get overwhelmed and might end up having a meltdown. You need to organize things in such a way that you don't have to count on him for anything, so if he quietly leaves for a little while because he needs to be by himself, you will still get things done (don't follow him to tell him he is putting people off by leaving, it would surely backfire). And don't try to get him to play games, give speeches, be really social or anything like it. If he manages to do some of those things, it will be a bonus.

I understand that it may not seem fair that your husband won't help and doesn't like having all those people over. But being fair isn't the issue here. Your husband's survival is. And if he is happier, you will be, too. My kids probably don't think it's fair, either. One of them usually treats me with utter contempt. But I am who I am, and I can't help that. And neither can your hubby.

[georgie]

Thanks. I knew you guys would be able to help ! Google just talks of kids - but surely there must be adults too ! Its not something that ever gets cured - is it Ursula ? The problem has been that hubbie has been the cook since our marriage 6 years ago. I was formerally a good cook - although slow and needed cook books. But when guests arrive - I cannot rely on him to cook well. The meal is usually one of his worst. Is that 'cos he is too stressed by the 'thought' of guests arriving ? I cannot imagine him coping with 26 at Christmas ! We were 4 , and that was too much. Its hard for me to understand how someone can get so stressed by 2 extra people arriving for 2 hours. I am looking for online forums that may help me cope - but can't see them.

I think hubbie is getting worse. He lost his work when he emigrated, started a business which failed when he became ill with adrenal fatigue/ thyroid. And now just sits at home using computer. I think his people skills are much worse than when I met him. Its getting to be a nightmare for me. I had whooping cough this Christmas so didn't do a lot as it was a struggle but perhaps another year .... just take over??? I am rapidly losing my friends one by one - as they don't understand this hubbie of mine. And I get the impression that he likes that. He makes sarcastic remarks about my friends and feel that he is trying to distance them from me so he can have peace and quiet always.

[Ursa Major]

Yes, just having two people over could stress him enough to not be able to cook. I used to think that I had to cook something really special (having to use a cookbook, as what I usually cooked didn't seem fancy enough), getting so stressed, that I couldn't think, and often made a mess of things. I never had everything ready at once, and while some things were still cooking, others were getting cold.

I'd feel terrible, thinking my guests would think I am a total failure, and because I imagined them thinking that of me, felt like I didn't want to talk to them. It would be a nightmare.

Since finding out about AS, I have finally realized that I am pretty much incapable of multi-tasking. Especially if it involved something that I hadn't done before (like cooking unfamiliar food). I have had to tell myself, that people come for the company, not because they want a fancy meal, they can go to a restaurant for that.

Now when I invite people, either my husband will barbecue, and all I have to provide are salads, which I can prepare the night before. Or I cook something like spaghetti, which I have cooked hundreds of times and can prepare 'in my sleep'. Then I won't be so stressed when the people arrive that I can't enjoy their company any more.

And my husband will prepare and serve coffee or tea, and dessert afterwards.

I can't cope with people coming over very often, especially if I don't know them well. My husband will do things with his friends elsewhere. They'll go camping, or he meets them for lunch, or play some basketball......... stuff like that.

You might just have to be with your friends without your husband. I have friends, husband and wife, and my husband doesn't like them (the husband is too much like me, I think), so I will visit them at their house, or go to concerts with them. My husband doesn't come to those. It isn't awkward, and we enjoy each others company much more when he isn't around.

Don't let your husband kill your friendships. My husband did that to me, and it made me very lonely. I used to have some friends when we got married. But because they were guys, he was jealous (not having any sisters, he couldn't understand how there could be nothing more than friendship), treated them so badly that I never heard from them again.

And then, when we were in that cult church, the women who were my friends, were blamed for my problems (if I had a headache, he'd ask who I had seen the previous day, and then she would be blamed, or supposedly demons that were operating through her ). And slowly we all drifted apart.

You need to do things on your own that are fun. Leave your husband at home with his computer and go out by yourself. You need to do that for your own sake. I love it when my husband takes the kids and goes camping with his friends and their kids for four days, having the house for myself.

[Nancym]

I don't have asperger's but I find I have a lot better time if I do as much cooking and assembling the day before as is humanly possible. Then I just rewarm on the day of, slam dessert into the oven to cook during dinner. Today's dinner was delicious and no one but me knew it was made the prior day. It is SO much less stress.

Sounds like you might need to get some outside help with your marriage though. You probably need to know a little more about how to help your husband cope better. I'm guessing he's not going to respond well to criticism and I don't see how any marriage can survive if you feel like he's doing things to isolate you.

One other thing to consider, maybe you'd be both be happier if you went to see your family and he stayed home alone? There is no rule that you have to do everything together.

[georgie]

Nancym,The trouble with xmas is that my mum is elderly and I am the only daughter and my 2 brothers are helpless too. What sort of foods did you prepare before? Sounds a good idea.

Ursula, All helpful info. I didn't realise that moving objects was also stressful. That would explain why he was upset when I moved his book and pen to dust yesterday ( moved 6 " out of place). Not sure that I am keen on the 'meet friends elsewhere' idea as its my house and want them to come here too. My dogs are here and can't travel with me to many places. But - could plan it so he is in his office those times.And I visit them sometimes. Its not too bad all through the year but notice a lessening of family visits, and more lonely times for me. My health hasn't been good and even is worsening with numb legs making walking difficult. My b12 was dx too late and I have severe nerve damage in legs. My Dr is still adjusting my b12 dosage.hmm...lots to work out for next time ! I wish I could find some info re AS on the net but its all for kids and parents,and not partners of adults.

[Nancym]

  Quote

Nancym,The trouble with xmas is that my mum is elderly and I am the only daughter and my 2 brothers are helpless too. What sort of foods did you prepare before? Sounds a good idea.

There are some great places to have xmas dinner out. We used to go to a wonderful buffet at a historic hotel. Are your brothers married?

The other possibilities is that in our area you can basically order a meal completely prepared from the supermarket or some place like that. Yeah, hard to do with gluten free though.

I made a pork roast. Basically I had a 4# piece of pork shoulder, rubbed it in herbs and seasonings and cooked it for about 5 hours at 250-300'. Then I made "roasted root vegetables". I cut up carrots, potato, beets, yams and turnips. Mixed with olive oil, whole unpeeled (some crushed) cloves of garlic, salt, pepper and rosemary and roast at 350-375 until soft and the potatoes brown a little (that came out fabulously though).

Then dessert was an apple crisp. I prepared the apples the night before, tossed with lemon juice so they wouldn't brown. Made the crumble topping the day of before everyone came and assembled. Put it into the oven while we ate.

I also made a savory apricot sauce for the pork and deglazed the pan to make a gravy.

Day of, about 1.5 hours before we ate I put the cold stuff into the oven to warm (200-225). Sauces and gravy went into the microwave to warm.

We had a gaggle of vegans there too that brought their own food, so the day of I was busy warming it for them. But if it hadn't been for that, I would have been just sitting and chatting with everyone and not doing much of anything.

I can't see why you couldn't do almost anything beforehand. Most foods rewarm really well.

[Ursa Major]

Georgie, here are some links to find information on adults with AS (as well as kids):

Open Original Shared Link Tony Attwood is one of the two leading AS researchers in the world, and he is in Australia. Maybe you can even go and see him!

Open Original Shared Link This is Simon Baron-Cohen's site. He is the other leading AS researcher, and he is in England.

Open Original Shared Link This is Jen Birch's site. She is in New Zealand, and has AS herself.

Open Original Shared Link This is a site for the families and spouses of adults with AS. There is lots of info, and there is a forum, too. Just beware that (from what I've seen when I checked it out a couple of years ago), that there is a lot of bashing of people with AS going on. Nobody seems to think that people with AS have any positive qualities at all.

When you have your friends over, just make sure your husband knows about it, but also let him know that nothing is expected of him, and that he doesn't have to be around.

Unfortunately, I am afraid that just having other people in the house, even if he doesn't have to talk to them, is already stressful. My husband is okay because he goes to work every day. I didn't realize you have mobility problems, and have dogs, too.

Why can't he look after the dogs when you're not home, though?

Anyway, I hope the info you get from the above links will be helpful.

[georgie]

Thanks for the links. Will check them out. One mistake I think I have made with this house is that its all open space. hmm. AS people would like lots of rooms to hide in ? He can look after the dogs - I just miss them if I am always away.

Not much in the way of restaurants here, or supermarkets. Interesting to see that you have a choice of menu. Here in Aust its turkey and plum puddings, and that seems to upset him as well - the routine of that meal. Perhaps if I do something different like you mentioned.

[Ursa Major]

Yes, I HATE open concept houses. My husband wants to knock out walls, and I want doors instead! I've told him that if he makes it more open I'll leave, as I wouldn't be able to live in a house with no privacy. There are no doors downstairs (except to the bathroom and the basement, of course) and I don't like it. I will not lie downstairs on the couch when I am sick, because when people come in the front door, they can see me. So, I'll be upstairs in my bed, and people forget I am there, and won't look after me at all. If I can't get up and look after myself, I don't get any food or anything.

I really dislike that here in Canada they want turkey for every single holiday meal. My husband insists on turkey for Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Of course, it has to be with mashed potatoes, rutabaga, cranberry sauce, stuffing (they did that separately, so I could eat the turkey), pumpkin pie (for Thanksgiving, anyway), apple pie with ice cream. It is terribly boring, and I hate being told what we absolutely HAVE to have. What if I feel like eating something else that day (usually I do, I don't really like turkey)?

In Germany we just had a really nice meal, and it didn't have to be something that EVERYBODY in the whole country needed to eat. How conformist can people be?

Okay, you may have realized that I don't like being or eating the same as everybody else. I am an individual, and I don't conform. And if I am made to conform, I resent it. And I bet your husband feels the same way.

[georgie]

  Quote

Okay, you may have realized that I don't like being or eating the same as everybody else. I am an individual, and I don't conform. And if I am made to conform, I resent it. And I bet your husband feels the same way

:lol:

Oh yes ! I think part of his Christmas problem is the conformity of it all - having to eat turkey and do this, and do that ! I may be able to get him more enthusiastic if the food was brilliant and exciting. Its just a lot of work for one person ( me ) to do everything and be a social butterfly as well.

Too late to change the house plan

[Ursa Major]

Georgie, do you think it would be better if you take charge of cooking the meal, but he can help with whatever he likes to contribute, and maybe even make something to go with the meal that he likes, that isn't usually part of the traditional Christmas meal? Like a really nice, different kind of salad, or an exciting dessert? That way he can break out of the conformity mould, but you can still have what you like.

Is it possible to hang some really cool curtains, or get French doors for any parts of your house? Or is it all so open that there aren't even any doorways where that is possible.

It could be done in my house, it's just that my husband loves the open concept. He agreed years ago to have some doors, but he lied, it's never going to happen.

[tarnalberry]

  georgie said:

:lol:

Oh yes ! I think part of his Christmas problem is the conformity of it all - having to eat turkey and do this, and do that ! I may be able to get him more enthusiastic if the food was brilliant and exciting. Its just a lot of work for one person ( me ) to do everything and be a social butterfly as well.

Too late to change the house plan

So don't make it conforming. You can have whatever you want to have. Heck, it could be "whatever he comes up with" day, for that matter. It's only turkey because someone dictates turkey or isn't inventive enough to do something different. (I hate conformity for conformity's sake. I think there are reasons for it, but not intrinsic ones.)

As for the house plan, I like Ursa's idea about the floor plan/spacing. And you'd be surprised what you can do without changing the floor plan itself. Folding screens can create separation, curtains can create separation, and just plain ol' layouts can create separation. It may be time to get creative with it. (And remember that it's a compromise, even if it leaves you with two papasan foot stools when you wanted more cushions on the floor. )

[Nancym]

  Quote

Oh yes ! I think part of his Christmas problem is the conformity of it all - having to eat turkey and do this, and do that ! I may be able to get him more enthusiastic if the food was brilliant and exciting. Its just a lot of work for one person ( me ) to do everything and be a social butterfly as well.

I figure if I'm cooking the meal, you get what I make. No one complains because... well shucks... I'm a pretty good cook. We used to do the dishes that were traditional to my family but we've stopped doing that. It was WAY too much cooking and we couldn't even begin to eat all that food. Just being organized, planning ahead, makes it 100% possible to throw the party and actually enjoy it too. It is a learning process though, every time you think of how the next one will be easier and better.

And hosting parties might be something you'll have to pretty much do on your own. Better to accept that reality and deal with it than to pine for what you don't have. *nod*

[Ursa Major]

I was thinking and was just going to add the folding screens idea, when I realized that Tiffany already came up with that. You really can add some things to create some privacy and break up the open spaces. Just be creative! And let your husband help you plan it, so it will be at least partially the way he likes it.

Of course, it has to be livable for both of you. It would be a compromise, and might make things more pleasant for both of you.

Does your husband have enough energy yet to maybe start creating websites for people and/or businesses, and be their webmaster? If he had something to do that makes some money, he would be much happier I think. Right now he probably feels useless, and that is very unhelpful to your relationship.

And you know, feeling useless and depressed drains my energy and makes everything worse.

[georgie]

I don't know if a screen could be built that would work. But we may be able to convert a spare bedroom and have it used as a study. That could then be linked by a normal door to living areas. So - that could work.

One thing I haven't understood is his inflexibilty to work in other areas of web design. He only does business applications and refuses to deal with customers that want small jobs done - or to use a system that is not one he likes. Now - I think I understand that a little more. Its his way or not at all.

[CarlaB]

  georgie said:

Oh yes ! I think part of his Christmas problem is the conformity of it all - having to eat turkey and do this, and do that ! I may be able to get him more enthusiastic if the food was brilliant and exciting. Its just a lot of work for one person ( me ) to do everything and be a social butterfly as well.

Too late to change the house plan

Funny. I've always refused to cook a turkey at Christmas because I just cooked one at Thanksgiving ... and I don't like turkey all that much! As a kid, my grandparents came up for Christmas Eve from Florida and brought fresh shrimp with them right off the boat (now off the boat shrimp is the same as you can buy at the grocery as it's all frozen as it comes off the boat). So for Christmas Eve it was shrimp and cheese grits (Christmas Day was turkey at the big family gathering). So I make that plus cole slaw and asparagus. The kids consider that Christmas dinner no matter what I cook on Christmas Day! They talk about that dinner all year! It may not be traditional, but it's OUR tradition!

This year on Christmas Day I did not do a sit down dinner (we did that Christmas Eve with the shrimp), and just had a bunch of food laid out that either I like or someone requested. Everyone seemed to love it! I did have some smoked turkey, but it was not turkey and all the fixin's.

If your hubby doesn't like the traditional Christmas dinner, deviate from it. People will have something to talk about all year ... "Did you hear that Georgie didn't cook a turkey for Christmas?"

[georgie]

:lol: :lol:

  Quote

If you're hubby doesn't like the traditional Christmas dinner, deviate from it. People will have something to talk about all year ... "Did you hear that Georgie didn't cook a turkey for Christmas?" ohmy.gif ohmy.gif ohmy.gif laugh.gif

[Ursa Major]

Carla, great ideas, and you really made me laugh.

Georgie, I think converting a bedroom into a study is a really good idea. Do you mean to say that right now his study is part of the open layout? No wonder he is unhappy! That makes him choose between two impossible situations: Either staying away from his computer, or being in an open space with it, where everybody can see and observe him at all times, without any privacy. That would just make me feel really paranoid, being on display like that all the time.

[georgie]

Oh no - he has a study away from everything. Its a bit hot in summer though....But its not much to stuck in a room when visitors come.