Dealing With My Mother....

[LoveBeingATwin]

I haven't made mention about my mom on this forum so I will recap a little. My twin and I were taken way from my mom by the courts and we went with our dad and step mom. The best thing that ever happend to us. I love both my step mom and dad very much. They are my world. Well...the choices my mom has made in life are not the best. You know the wrong men, drugs etc. Well here is why I am writing.

I know that most of you know that we are trying to have a baby. I have not spoken with my mom since May becuase of what she did at that particular time. This is like the millionth time I have given her another change. Well.. I am tired of it and chose not to talk with her. She keeps trying to call me and I refuse to speak with her. However she is speaking with my sister. She thinks that when I become pregnant she should be the first one to know. Ya right! She only wants to be around when she can take credit for somthing. She was an embarrasement at my wedding, was on drugs. I don't even want her around when we have kids. I don't trust her in my home and she is a liar. I am not going to tell her when I become pregnant.

As far as I am concern she doens't exist. I know some may think this is a terrible thing to do...but I am so sick of her lies. She says that we mean the world to her yet she called me a f.... b...ch. Now you know why I don't put up with it. I am not hurt my anything she has done, I just am angry that she thinks I owe her everything. Uh.. so annoying. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Guhlia]

Kimberly, you don't owe her a thing. Just giving birth to you does NOT make her a mother. If you feel that its best to not mention it to her when you get pregnant, that's your decision and yours alone to make. Please don't let her (or your twin) pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with.

Please also think this through thoroughly before you get pregnant as hormones may impact any decision made once you're pregnant.

We're all here for support when you need us.

[mommyagain]

I've also had major problems with my parents. They are simply bad people, and I want nothing to do with them. So, about 6 years ago, we had a major fight and we haven't been in contact since. The funny thing is that I used to get migraines all the time, like 2 or 3 a week. I have not had a SINGLE migraine since we stopped talking. In addition, my ulcer went away and a LOT of other stress-related health problems vanished. Not calling them back or taking their calls was the single best decision I have ever made in my entire life (I'm not kidding).

Unfortunately for you, you are in a situation where you want to stay in touch with your sister, who is also in touch with your mother, so you will never be totally free of her drama. But, people like her are like gluten to a celiac, they are poison, even in the smallest imaginable doses. You need to let your sister know that anything you tell her is confidential and should not be shared unless you specifically say that she can tell someone else. Also, you need to tell your sister WHY you don't want your mother in your life. She probably knows, but some people have an amazing ability to forgive and can't understand why others can't do the same.

You're the grown-up now, you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and your family. Good luck.

[gfpaperdoll]

I agree that you cannot be around people that make bad choices and are not good for you.

But I would also like to offer an explanation for these parents. It is that they are suffering from neurological problems. Please do not forget that celiac and gluten intolerance is not only a disease of the gut but a disease of the brain. I venture to say that there are not very many of us that do not have family members that are either: alcoholic, drug addicts, other addictions, OCD, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, dementia, poor achievers, on & on. There is research going on in this area. It seems that what goes on in the gut controls what goes on in the brain. Add to the mix that almost all people that have a problem with gluten are depressed on some level & you can see that it is a wonder that they can function at all.

People with MS are now also going on the gluten-free/DF diet to see an abatement of the MS (really celiac?).

I find it no coincidence that looking back thru the generations that a lot of these families (mine anyway) tend to be from the lower socio-economic groups. I mean after generations of moms dying young, sick kids, sick dads, & no one able to concentrate well enough to go thru college, not to mention that they might have to go to work to support the sick parents, it is a wonder some families have come thru as well as they have.

I know this does not change the fact that these people have no place in your life. but maybe it will give you an idea of some ways to handle communication with them or the ground rules for non communication. I think that at the core level maybe these parents just want to know if you are alive and remember them. Maybe they just want a photo for bragging rights with their equally messed up friends. Maybe you could send a letter twice a year or something. I will say that you should be upfront & tell them that you do not want any more contact etc & if you never want to see them again - tell them that & give them a chance to say farewell to you.

[mommyagain]

I totally belive that my parents have neurologic issues, and I wish I could help them get better. But, I can't help them, and they refuse to get help. When I am around them, I get sick.

When my daughter was a baby (back when we were still talking), I refused to allow them unsupervised visits with her because I didn't trust them. My father is an alcoholic AND has Parkinson's. I asked multiple times that he hold her ONLY while he was sitting down. They refused to agree but didn't understand why I wouldn't leave them alone with her. In retaliation, they tried to convince Family Services that I was an unfit mother. Obviously, it didn't work, but for me, that was the last straw.

I have absolutely wonderful in-laws, and a huge network of great friends. THEY are my family, because they accept me for who I am, and support me any way they can.