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Wedding Invite

*lee-lee*

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*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted

so, i feel a little irritated and i need to vent. i'm kind of having a cranky day so feel free to bring me back into the real world if i'm being silly! ;)

my boyfriend and i just moved a few months ago back to the town he went to college in and subsequently lived for a few years after graduation. a couple of his friends still live in the area and one couple is getting married next month. i was present for a conversation about when they should send the invitations out - i guess standard is 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

that time came around and we didn't get an invite so i joked that maybe we had been B-listed and would be getting one soon. last week my boyfriend was invited to the bachelor party and i wondered again if we'd be getting that B-list invitation. well sure enough, guess what was in the mailbox on Saturday? yup, an invitation. but it was only addressed to my boyfriend. it didn't have "and guest" or my name on it.

my boyfriend and i have been together for nearly 2 years, living together for 16 months. doesn't that warrant an invite for me? all his other friends are married so he'll be the only one there going solo. is this something new...to not allow people to bring a guest to a wedding? i might understand if he wasn't dating anyone but i've met the bride & groom on numerous occasions so it seems odd.

i don't know...maybe i should be grateful that i don't have to worry about going and dealing with the food! :P

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ShayFL Enthusiast
ShayFL
Posted

And in these economic times.....you wont have to buy a gift either. :)

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author
And in these economic times.....you wont have to buy a gift either.

ha - good point! or dress to wear to the wedding!!

ShayFL Enthusiast
ShayFL
Posted

I have never really enjoyed too many weddings. They are usually lame (hopefully not for th bride and groom.....LOL). The best weddings IMO are the casual ones in someone's back yard with a BBQ. :)

JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted

Maybe it didn't even occur to them that they needed to specify 'and guest'. You'd figure, though, that you'd be mentioned one way or another.

jmengert Enthusiast
jmengert
Posted

I'm currently planning my wedding, so I have two wedding etiquette books (the best one is by Peggy Post). You are *definitely* supposed to invite people's spouses, partners, or live-in significant others. Most people say you should invite the other half of the couple who is in a serious relationship, too, whether or not the couple lives together. Guests beyond that are optional.

I'm sorry you got left out, but I agree--you'll save money on a gift and have no food worries!

JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted
I'm currently planning my wedding, so I have two wedding etiquette books (the best one is by Peggy Post). You are *definitely* supposed to invite people's spouses, partners, or live-in significant others. Most people say you should invite the other half of the couple who is in a serious relationship, too, whether or not the couple lives together. Guests beyond that are optional.

I'm sorry you got left out, but I agree--you'll save money on a gift and have no food worries!

And a bit of snide satisfaction when you know your boyfriend's going to have to answer when people ask where you are. 'Oh, she wasn't invited.'

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*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author
And a bit of snide satisfaction when you know your boyfriend's going to have to answer when people ask where you are. 'Oh, she wasn't invited.'

ooh that's seriously the best! and in the future when people say "oh remember at so-and-so's wedding..." i can say "nope, i wasn't invited." :o

i feel so much better about the whole thing! there are so many positives to NOT being invited to a wedding! LOL

home-based-mom Contributor
home-based-mom
Posted

You can be sure that if they are aware of such things as "B lists" they are aware that invitations are supposed to include significant others. It sounds like you are taking it well! I like those glasses of lemonade you are making with the lemon tossed at you! :lol:

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author

we've tossed around the idea that maybe it was an oversight to not include "and guest" or my name on the outside of the envelope (there was no inner envelope, just the invitation and RSVP card) but i think we decided to not bother asking and my boyfriend will just decline the invitation. he doesn't want to go without me, which i think is awfully sweet of him! :D

plus, i'm not working right now so we are pinching every penny we can and a wedding is definitely an unnecessary expense right now.

JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted
we've tossed around the idea that maybe it was an oversight to not include "and guest" or my name on the outside of the envelope (there was no inner envelope, just the invitation and RSVP card) but i think we decided to not bother asking and my boyfriend will just decline the invitation. he doesn't want to go without me, which i think is awfully sweet of him! :D

plus, i'm not working right now so we are pinching every penny we can and a wedding is definitely an unnecessary expense right now.

There is that.....

He's a sweetie!

(Or just scared of desperate single women at weddings!)

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
we've tossed around the idea that maybe it was an oversight to not include "and guest" or my name on the outside of the envelope (there was no inner envelope, just the invitation and RSVP card) but i think we decided to not bother asking and my boyfriend will just decline the invitation. he doesn't want to go without me, which i think is awfully sweet of him! :D

plus, i'm not working right now so we are pinching every penny we can and a wedding is definitely an unnecessary expense right now.

I think that's the best idea especially since he was on the "B" list anyway....you were on the "XYZ" list however.

I was recently on a good friend's "XYZ" list - and was very surprised...I never got an invitation. My inlaws all got invitations.

About a month before the wedding she happened to call me and I confonted her about not even getting an invite to the church part! She explained that she felt that due to my financial struggles (that's how well she knew me) that I did not have the money to be able to afford a high enough $$ gift to the couple, so ergo she wanted to save me the expense.

Unfortunately for her I had been putting money aside from the time she told me she and her boyfriend were engaged so I had gift money ready.....(this was a second marriage for her - I was about 8 when she first got married and I didn't know her until she was about 35 years old and divorced - she's almost 16 years older than me).

I didn't even know the time and date of her current wedding because my inlaws actually didn't want to attend this wedding (yet I did) and they couldn't remember those details when I asked them and I was darned if I would call her about it. Eventually, she called me and we had the "confrontation" discussion - she then told me the date and time of wedding and unfortunately I had a dentist appt that Saturday (unbeknownst to me as I had that appointment for months). After this incident, I felt less obligated to be a "good" friend to her. I kept in touch, but it wasn't the same and last summer 07 I severed all but obligatory contact with her because of some other insensitive thing she said to me which confirmed that she never really listened to me when I told her personal things and I was more of a friend to her than she was to me.

I will have to say, however, that sometimes when an invite goes to only one person of the "couple" it's because either the bride or groom doesn't care for that "other" person and it's their way of subconsciously stating their feelings. This is just my opinion however.

These days we enjoy "NOT" being invited to weddings: but we prefer to be invited and then allowed to explain why we cannot go. At least give us that. We don't go due to the non gluten-free menu and chances of cross contamination, etc. and that's how we want it.

ShayFL Enthusiast
ShayFL
Posted

People are funny (and not in a good way). I would NEVER consider excluding a good friend for anything because they couldnt afford to give me a gift. I would just call them and say, I'm inviting you to my wedding. I know you wont feel right about not bringing a gift and I know you cannot afford one right now. So please let your presence by my gift and if I should need anything on that hectic day, be available to help out. That would be the BEST gift you could ever give me.

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author

i can't believe people think it's acceptable to not invite you to a wedding (esp if you're a close friend) and use the lame excuse that they were trying to do you a favor.

I will have to say, however, that sometimes when an invite goes to only one person of the "couple" it's because either the bride or groom doesn't care for that "other" person and it's their way of subconsciously stating their feelings. This is just my opinion however.

my boyfriend obviously knows the couple better than i do and he speculates the bride-to-be may have been trying to spite him by not inviting me. (we're assuming she had total control of addressing the invitations and the groom has no idea that "and guest" wasn't included). apparently she's one to hold a grudge and my boyfriend figures he probably looked at her funny one day years ago and she hasn't forgotten.

whatever...i'm getting to the point where weddings aren't a big deal. i hate being shoved up to catch the bouquet so i'll get to avoid that. ;) it's still insulting to not be invited...whether i want to go or not!

Blessings Explorer
Blessings
Posted

Have him RSVP 2 and then don't go!

No, that would be mean. RSVP 2 and enjoy and night out with your beau. It was a mistake. They had so many to write and so much to think of.

God bless,

Vicky

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author

serious question...is it rude to assume he would bring a guest? i say no way, only the name(s) on the invitation are invited. he thinks "and guest" is assumed even if it's not indicated. is there a hard and fast rule?

(it doesn't really matter at this point...we're not going either way, but i'm curious what protocol is these days?)

MaryJones2 Enthusiast
MaryJones2
Posted
serious question...is it rude to assume he would bring a guest? i say no way, only the name(s) on the invitation are invited. he thinks "and guest" is assumed even if it's not indicated. is there a hard and fast rule?

(it doesn't really matter at this point...we're not going either way, but i'm curious what protocol is these days?)

Here's what Emily Post has to say about the situation:

Open Original Shared Link

I think you are right that only the people expressly listed are invited - especially if it's a sit-down or anything with table assignments.

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
i can't believe people think it's acceptable to not invite you to a wedding (esp if you're a close friend) and use the lame excuse that they were trying to do you a favor.

I thought I was a close friend, especially since I got 2 jobs for this woman where I worked (2 different workplaces) and befriended her when my SIL dumped her as a friend. My SIL dumped her as a friend because this woman would not tell lies to cover for her any longer so that my sil could cheat on her husband. But I could not tell her this (why my sil dumped her) .

So, she invited my SIL and MIL to her wedding because my SIL has a lot of husband's money and

this bride knew that she'd get a great $$ gift from my SIL (she gives cash as gifts at weddings always, because

she can't be bothered to shop for a gift). This bride had to invite my MIL only because she had to because where ever my SIL goes the MIL has to go to (they come as a pair)....my MIL was actually financially worse off than were were at that time. But this woman knew my SIL would make up for it with a much larger gift .

In 2007 this so-called friend said something really insensitive to me which made me realize that she never

really listened to what I said about our lives "after" celiac diagnosis - despite the fact that we

supposedly grew so close after my SIL dumped her in the 1980's as a friend.

So it was indirectly a celiac issue. She had the gall to criticise and tell us what my husband

should physically be able to do (long story - but upshot is, it was none of her business as it was a in-law

family issue - it was actually my brother in law who brought her into a family problem).

I was appalled over this "friend's" nerve and decided that day to cross her off my list.

I am at the point where I send her a birthday card and a Christmas card just because

she's trying to get back "in" with my sil and I don't need an enemy in that "camp" because

I opened up to her over the years and she "knows" too much about me and my husband that I

do not need my inlaws to know about.....and when

my m il passes away, this thread of a "friendship" will be dissolved by me. That means no more cards at all.

Now here's another question:

When someone is invited to a Bridal shower, is it an obligation to invite them to the wedding too? I say "yes." What is official answer?

Similiar situation: if one is invited to baby shower, should you invite that person to the baby's Christening?

my boyfriend obviously knows the couple better than i do and he speculates the bride-to-be may have been trying to spite him by not inviting me. (we're assuming she had total control of addressing the invitations and the groom has no idea that "and guest" wasn't included). apparently she's one to hold a grudge and my boyfriend figures he probably looked at her funny one day years ago and she hasn't forgotten.

whatever...i'm getting to the point where weddings aren't a big deal. i hate being shoved up to catch the bouquet so i'll get to avoid that. ;) it's still insulting to not be invited...whether i want to go or not!

jmengert Enthusiast
jmengert
Posted

To answer your question Debmidge, yes, you should only invite people to your bridal shower who are invited to the wedding. Wedding etiquette is pretty specific about that.

I'm not sure about the christening and baby shower situation, though...

JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted
To answer your question Debmidge, yes, you should only invite people to your bridal shower who are invited to the wedding. Wedding etiquette is pretty specific about that.

I'm not sure about the christening and baby shower situation, though...

Wouldn't most people consider a christeneing a private, family thing? I dunno, I'm not in any of those religions, just guessing. Baby showers are friends & family, not as private, much more social.

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
Wouldn't most people consider a christeneing a private, family thing? I dunno, I'm not in any of those religions, just guessing. Baby showers are friends & family, not as private, much more social.

I am from a denomination which does not consider a christening that private of an

occasion....It's a happy occasion to be shared with familly and close friends, of which I thought

I was one.

I am bringing this up because I was invited to baby shower of daughter someone

whom I've known thru my in-laws for 30 years, and this baby even calls my MIL "Grandma"

that's how close they are; I was invited to baby shower and was expecting to be invited

to the Christening (I am same religion and other non-relatives were invited );

again all of my in-laws were invited, but not me. I was a bit disappointed and felt left out.

I am sure that the real grandmother invited me to the shower but the daughter cut the

list down. The daughter and I exchange Christmas cards & she's in my age group. I

guess I thought more of our friendship than she did...

  • 2 weeks later...
*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author

***UPDATE***

so it turns out we're going to the wedding. my boyfriend had just declined the invite and let it be. but the groom was insulted that he wasn't going to attend and asked why. my boyfriend explained that he wasn't going to go without me and apparently i WAS invited. (and from the sounds of it, we should have known that...how we would have when the invitation was addressed to one person?...but i digress...)

so now what do i do about the dinner? we have a choice between chicken and beef. i know the chicken is cordon bleu so that's out and i'm not sure about the beef. i don't want to ask the bride and groom about the food, it feels like we've already caused enough trouble. would it be acceptable to contact the reception site and inquire about how the food will be prepared? i don't want to leave a plate of food untouched in front of me if i can help it.

JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted
***UPDATE***

so it turns out we're going to the wedding. my boyfriend had just declined the invite and let it be. but the groom was insulted that he wasn't going to attend and asked why. my boyfriend explained that he wasn't going to go without me and apparently i WAS invited. (and from the sounds of it, we should have known that...how we would have when the invitation was addressed to one person?...but i digress...)

so now what do i do about the dinner? we have a choice between chicken and beef. i know the chicken is cordon bleu so that's out and i'm not sure about the beef. i don't want to ask the bride and groom about the food, it feels like we've already caused enough trouble. would it be acceptable to contact the reception site and inquire about how the food will be prepared? i don't want to leave a plate of food untouched in front of me if i can help it.

I would say, if anything, contact the site of the reception, and find out if they can make you gluten free food. If necessary, tell them your needs require that you bring your own food and ask if they'll plate it for you and serve it like normal, without actually touching the food itself, blah blah blah....

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted
I would say, if anything, contact the site of the reception, and find out if they can make you gluten free food. If necessary, tell them your needs require that you bring your own food and ask if they'll plate it for you and serve it like normal, without actually touching the food itself, blah blah blah....

In this situation, would then the guest have to pay for their own specialized meal?

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
  • Author

good question Deb...luckily i talked to the reception site yesterday and i can eat everything (with the exception of the salad - she wasn't sure if they mix croutons in so i'll have to check)! the woman even made sure the kitchen staff wouldn't use the same tongs to plate the beef and the breaded chicken.

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