Newly Diagnosed Stress

[jknnej]

If you show your family how serious YOU are about it, they will come through for you. At first my family was like, let's go out to eat. I said, No I don't eat out, too much risk of cross contamination and I don't feel like spending an hour trying to explain to the waiter. I said, let's BBQ instead and went out and bought my own food.

Now they don't even suggest eating out with me and my mom will even say, I bought chicken to BBQ if you want to come over. They understand, although it took awhile for them to get it.

My aunt asked if I could cheat every once in a while! I said no, you don't understand that first, I would get violently ill, and second, it's damaging to my body.

It just takes awhile. Your boyfriend will either jump on board, or he's not the guy for you! my hubby was frustrated at first but now he understands and when he wants to go out to eat he does it with his friends and always invites me, of course.

I know we can eat out but I prefer not to. When I travel I will make the exception, of course, but on a normal basis my stress level is a lot lower when I don't have to worry about accidental poisoning!

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

Martians have to talk more and seek more input from another so that he can take the appropriate action.

That's also called socializing among us Venetians, haha! Oh well, you're right in so many aspects. The only thing, I also noticed, is: I'm not always only complaining and not doing something about it. In fact, in most cases I already did something about it and I just want to tell him each step to work this through in my brain or so. But with my husband it's like that, when you complained once and didn't do anything about it, then he never listens again, even if it's just pure story telling and I hate that. He automatically assumes it's complaining again without really listening. He should just get it over with...

[ianm]

To a Martian if you did something to solve the problem it is over and done with. There is no point in talking about again because you are just wasting time and energy that could be used to deal with the next problem.

[Emme999]

Ianm,

But what if the problem is celiac disease? Are you still "wasting time and energy" talking about it if you are trying to figure out what you can eat and how you can eat, etc? I don't see how this could be over and done with - not now, and not for a little while. Or perhaps ever? Don't *you* having celiac disease spend a lot of time talking about it as you are dealing with it?

[tarnalberry]

To some "martians", yeah, I'd imagine even once you figure out what you can't have on celiac disease, talking about it much isn't in the picture, because you've found the solution. Of course, a new problem may arise - a particular situation with eating out, for instance - where a new solution needs to be created. But other than that...

This isn't as issue of it being right or wrong, really, to either keep talking about something or to not talk about it again. It's just different people have different ways of approaching things. My husband, for instance, hates chocolate; he's not wrong to hate it, even if I love it. This actually is a fairly similar sort of thing.

The problem usually comes in when you have two different types (and it's often a male/female difference, but there are a number of psychological arguments whether that's a learned thing or not, because it's not strictly a male/female split in behavior) trying to each have their own way - it leaves the other one completely unsatisfied and stymied. (That's one of the reasons my husband and I do the thing where he sort of half-listens because I need to talk, and I know that he half listens because he doesn't care about just venting over and over. He knows I need it, and tries to be as tolerant as possible; I know he gets tired of it, and try to find another person when he runs out of patience. Give and take, accepting each other's personal styles in dealing with things.)

The answer isn't "what's the right way" but what way you need to use, and how to get the support you need - in general, not necessarily exclusively from one person - while respecting the needs of the people you're relying upon for support.

That's one of the reasons I have an online journal - I can vent vent vent about the same thing over and over (this year, it's my boss... oh, don't let me get started, or even the venutians will get tired of it! ;-) ) whenever I want to.

[ianm]

For a long term problem it depends. Are you only focusing on one or two things or are you constanly expanding your knowledge of the problem and searching for new solutions. If you just stay fixated on a few aspects then no I don't want to hear about it. But if you are finding new aspects to a problem and searching for new solutions then yes I want to hear it. The problem with Venutians is they will only go so far in their quest for answers. They then stop and fixate on what they have experienced and learned and go no farther. For a Martian it is not the kill at the end of the hunt that drives us but the thrill of the chase. We always want to know what lies beyond the horizon. We want to keep moving forward not stay in one place.

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

Not my husband. Even, if I have new problems to solve he doesn't listen anymore, when it's celiac. With everything else he's still quite open. Oh well

[Emme999]

Ian,

Okay, so I'm down with the whole "not wanting to hear it if you are just talking about the same damn thing all the time" aspect of Martiandom. But how do I know when it's the Martian in him or simply that he doesn't care about me anymore? I know it shouldn't be that hard for me to figure out but... *sigh* he says that he really cares about me and that it "breaks his heart to watch me going through all this" but then completely steps out of my life. He doesn't call anymore. He doesn't invite me to be with him. We had been spending just about every night together for about a year until I found out about the celiac disease. And now.. well, the past 4 nights he has gone to movies with his friends, had his friends over to watch ballgames, or gone out to dinner with his friends - not inviting me to join them.

Am I just being a total idiot to think that he still loves me? Even though he's a "martian" - shouldn't he still be willing to spend at least a little time with me when I'm going through this incredibly rough period?

Do people just stop loving you when they find out you have celiac disease?

[tarnalberry]

Regardless of how martian he is or how venutian you might be, if he can't meet the needs you have in some fashion - even though it may require compromise on both of your parts - then he may just not be the right person for you. How do you tell? That's awfully hard. Quite honestly, I think _I_ was offended by some of the things you said he told you. ;-) Particularly about not being able to have empathy for anyone else. (I can picture it now... have kids with someone like that, kid goes out and breaks a leg biking or something, parent says "stop your crying, it's only a broken leg, at least you'll be able to walk again". now the kid feels like crap for feeling how a kid ought to feel in that situation. that sorta thing will screw a kid up for life after a few iterations! Ok, I'm not trying to be mean, and I'm not saying that HE would do this... it's an extrapolation based solely on a bad impression in my mind of a type of person, not a particular one... But you get what I mean, I hope.)

I'm sorry that he's having trouble with this, and that this has affected your relationship. While I want to give the "it's better to know he won't be there for you now, than if it were something yet more serious", that's awfully trite at a time like this and doesn't really answer the question of what's going on. And that's the hardest part - there might not be an answer. Would he talk to you about it - about his reaction and why he's unable to give you the support you need - if you asked him, even just for the sake of closure?

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

I would ask him. Just ask him: "Are you just unsure how to handle this situation with my illness or do you want to break up with me? And if you're just unsure how to handle this, then let me guide us through, cause I already learnt about this very much the last couple of days!"

Maybe he's just afraid how to handle this or that he thinks, you don't like him anymore, because he doesn't know how to help. And if he reacts like I do (which is childish I must admit) then he runs away and doesn't try to talk to that person, because he's afraid, he can't do anything about it and the person laughs at him. Stupid I know, but I'm kinda shy sometimes and hate people laughing or gossiping about me. So reasureness, that it's not all up to him, could help, if he tells you that he doesn't want to break up....

That would be another suggestion. But after a couple of days passed (like now) I would do something about it. Because not knowing what goes on with your relationship can be more destroying than knowing.

[ianm]

This guy is simply too immature for you or anyone else for that matter. A real Martian would be man enough to say this just isn't going to work anymore instead of playing games. Game playing is a sign of immaturity. Even Venutians are guilty of that and when that happens to me the Venutian can't be a part of my life anymore. It is difficult sometimes but we're adults and not in high school anymore. I simply do not have the time to put up with morons. My recommendation would be for you to cut your losses and move on. Focus on getting you health back on track. Finish school, start a career and live life to the fullest.

[FaithInScienceToo]

But how do I know when it's the Martian in him or simply that he doesn't care about me anymore?

Hi, again, Michelle -

Wow..great thread...lots of great advice to you!

I wanted to jump in briefly to add the titles of 4 books I think you'd benefit from (all in paperback, available on-line):

1) What Smart Women Know - lots of typos in it, but a great book

2) He's Just Not That Into You - helps you see if he is or isn't, based on specific behaviors...written by a guy.

3) Codependent No More - helps you keep the focus on loving yourself, and expressing your needs in healthy ways

and

4) The Mastery of Love - based on Toltec wisdom...(another great one, also great by Ruiz, is The Four Agreements)

I know these books have helped me navigate relationships/life...perhaps they can help you, too?

Best wishes-

Gina

[Emme999]

Gina,

Thanks. I'm still technically with this guy, but we are slipping apart - or pulling apart, rather. I haven't actually spent a night with him since I had my diagnosis (the blood test). I went over to his house the other night and ended up coming home because he has this (beautiful, sweet) dog that I'm terribly allergic to. I couldn't breathe, and since breathing is an important function, I chose to come home rather than spend the night there. Most of the time he keeps this dog (a samoyed) at his parents house, but it had been at his house for a couple weeks and the air was filled with dander.

(BTW - has anyone else suddenly developed animal allergies with Celiac?)

Anyway, I decided that I ought to start taking care of myself and left.

He has actually been much better about the celiac disease stuff. He went with me to a lecture at the local hospital about Celiac and then took me out for my last gluten filled meal the night before my biopsy.

But I am afraid that he has just hurt me too deeply this time, because despite how nice he's being now - I'm just not recovering from the blow. I don't think we'll be staying together for long.

The funny thing is, I don't think he has any idea of what's going on between us. I'm pretty sure that he still thinks everything is fine. That's definitely not the case for me.

Thanks for everyone's input. I do appreciate it and I *am* paying attention. It's just that it's particulary hard to leave someone when you're going through a rough time for other reasons (like, say.. finding out you have celiac disease )

Take care,

- Michelle

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

Hi Michelle,

glad to hear, he's doing a little better in handling this situation. Did he know, that you're allergic to dogs, before he got this dog? Or did your allergy just develop? This is interesting.

Before my diagnosis I was allergic to horses and cats. And about 10 years ago a homeopathic healer told me, I was allergic to dogs also. But she wasn't right, I never was allergic to dogs. At least I didn't feel it. And now, that I have my diagnosis for almost a year I figured out (also about a year ago) that I'm allergic to my husbands dog. I mean, I love this dog, but luckily it lives at my parents-in-law house, too.

[Emme999]

Stef,

Nope, neither of us new that I would have an allergy to dogs. I mean, in the beginning of our relationship (a little over a year ago) I had absolutely no problems with animal allergies. It's really sad too because I love his dog (Nikita). She is so sweet and loving and looks like a polar bear! She's really a good dog, never barks really, just kind of howls when she wants you to pet her (aww..! )

Anyway - my theory is that the celiac brought on all these allergies. I could be completely wrong - but it seems like everything started going wrong at about the same time (bursitis, food allergies, dog allergy, serious gum problems (wicked case of gingivitis), heartburn - etc.).

I don't know how all this stuff works but it can sure mess with your life!

Later -

Michelle

[FaithInScienceToo]

Michelle,

Just keep listening to your heart...you'll make the right choices for you, at the right speed....and whatever he does in response wil be what it will be....

I know, as I just ended a 7-month relationship and the guy is now my new landlord...He is SO passive-aggressive now , it's sad...but, he can choose to be childish, and I can continue to choose to not go back...and, I will hope that he can return to being my friend...but, I can't choose for him, only me...

Sorry to be so brief...just wanted to reply and tell you I can 'hear' that you're doing well with the decision-making process... just keep allowing it to go where it needs to go, as you love yourself more each day... :-)

Love, G

PS - no animal allergies here...sorry to learn that you and others have some...hope 'they' find 'the cure' for that, too, some day...

[Guest vetnurse]

Michelle, Hang in there it will get easier, I was just diagnosed 4 or 5 weeks ago. It was difficult at first because I was lost as to what to eat (I love food and lots of it), I just decided to go to the health food store and buy the items I could find that said gluten/wheat free and tried them, they really aren't as bad as you think. I eat loads of fruit and fresh steamed veggies and lots of chicken and turkey burgers. I have not had a drop of gluten and I feel great!!!!!!!!!!! No more sad or grumpy moods, I have more energy and my bloated stomach has disappeared and my trips to the bathroom are back to normal now.

Please hang tough and don't let anything or anyone get you down!!!!!! I also go to school and ended up with a 48 on a test this semester, due to the fact that I just could not concentrate on school (because of celiac disease), I finished the semester yesterday and my grade will probably not be what I hoped for this time around, but, I finished the semester and that is what counts. Things will get better and you will feel better. Some people will understand the disease and others probably won't , but just hang in there and know that others understand what you are going through and you are not alone. Since I was diagnosed I have found 2 other people with the celiac disease (1 client at my job and another in a club I belong to). We are out there.

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

Yes, Michelle, hang in there. I'm also sure, you will make the right choices. Just listen to your heart... . As for me, wehee, I tried Tylenol allergy and had my first cuddling round with the dog on the floor. Yipiee! No more sneezing. Afterwards I changed clothes and took a shower. But I surely enjoyed it. Now I'll always take Tylenol, when I visit my parents-in-law.

[Sheely]

It's not easy at all in the beginning, and I've freaked out a few times myself already. I had a positive IGA, cancelled my endoscopy, and went gluten-free a week ago. I think I've freaked about 4 times since then, lol.

On Saturday night we went to my father's house for his birthday party. He told me he was making meatballs. I know my father doesn't usually add any fillers to his meatballs, so I wasn't concerned. When we got there, I realized that he had a crock pot full of frozen meatballs, and when I read the ingredients, there was wheat and barley protein both on the box. By this time I was starving and getting very cranky, and I was searching through his fridge for anything that was gluten-free, but he had nothing. I ended up calling my son and asking him to bring me a potato, and I ate a microwaved potato. I was really depressed that night, it all started to get to me.

But you live and learn. From now on, I will bring my own food so I don't have to go hungry again! It's rough right now, but I'm sure it will get easier. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking up a bazillion websites. The more educated you are, the better you will be able to deal with all of this.

Good luck!

Sheila

Maryland