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Struggling To Cope With Boyfriend's Mother

nikky

By nikky
in Coping with Celiac Disease

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ravenwoodglass Mentor
ravenwoodglass
Posted

I DO cook for myself there, i dont expect anything like that. As i mentioned in my original post I have asked to be allowed to get food for myself and store it there but she always turns it away... At 18 years old its not always easy not to have anything to do with someone or let them near your food in their own house.

Could you get some stuff like pnut butter, crackers, dinty moore beef stew or other shelf stable stuff that you can keep in your boyfreinds room?

While it sounds like this woman is a real witch she may have fears that you and her son are going to do something like get married or move in together and he will forgo college or that you may end up having a child together soon and 'ruin' her dreams for her son. In other words she might try to drive any girlfreind away from her 'darling son' and it may have nothing to do with you being celiac but that you are a threat to those 'dreams'. I know I was terrified of that happening when my DD was a senior in high school and was talking about marrying her then boyfreind. While I didn't get hostile I was very relieved when she started to apply to colleges and they ended up at schools close to each other then broke up a month into their freshman year. Perhaps reassuring his mom that you have no intention of marrying until you have both finished at the university might help your relationship with her a bit.

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nikky Contributor
nikky
Posted
  • Author

My mother in law constantly comments that she truly believes that since my illness came on so suddenly, one day it will just as suddenly go away and I'll be cured. Oh yeah, and did I mention she's a doctor? No wonder we all have such bad experiences with doctors! My husband and I have politely told her on many occasions that it will never go away. But next time I don't think I will be so polite because I'm getting a bit tired of it. Having said this, she does cook gluten free for me when I'm over there.

Oh dear.. thats not reassuring for her patients is it? a worrying amount of doctors seem to have very little, if any, understanding of this condition...

nikky Contributor
nikky
Posted
  • Author

Could you get some stuff like pnut butter, crackers, dinty moore beef stew or other shelf stable stuff that you can keep in your boyfreinds room?

While it sounds like this woman is a real witch she may have fears that you and her son are going to do something like get married or move in together and he will forgo college or that you may end up having a child together soon and 'ruin' her dreams for her son. In other words she might try to drive any girlfreind away from her 'darling son' and it may have nothing to do with you being celiac but that you are a threat to those 'dreams'. I know I was terrified of that happening when my DD was a senior in high school and was talking about marrying her then boyfreind. While I didn't get hostile I was very relieved when she started to apply to colleges and they ended up at schools close to each other then broke up a month into their freshman year. Perhaps reassuring his mom that you have no intention of marrying until you have both finished at the university might help your relationship with her a bit.

thanks for your advice...

After my last visit, I left a jar of sweet and sour and some soup in my boyfriends room, which he later found her trying to take out of there to use herself. When asked her excuse was that i wasnt there, when my boyfriend pointed out that it was me that paid for it and therefore it was mine and she had no right to use it, her answer was that it was in her house and therefore was hers.

I can understand the concern there... but my boyfriend doesnt want to go to uni, where as i do, you are right though, we dont want children or marraige until afterwoods. He does tend to look after his younger sisters a lot though, even when I'm there they just get dumped on us for hours at a time, and secretly i think she could be concerned about losing her child care and the money he pays her to stay at the house as she always makes comments about how little money they have (neither her, or my boyfriend's step-father work).

ravenwoodglass Mentor
ravenwoodglass
Posted

I can understand the concern there... but my boyfriend doesnt want to go to uni, where as i do, you are right though, we dont want children or marraige until afterwoods. He does tend to look after his younger sisters a lot though, even when I'm there they just get dumped on us for hours at a time, and secretly i think she could be concerned about losing her child care and the money he pays her to stay at the house as she always makes comments about how little money they have (neither her, or my boyfriend's step-father work).

I can't know for sure but I think what you said that I bolded may hit the nail on the head. Maybe he can take the money he gives her and get a small studio apt somewhere or find a place that needs another roommate. I am so sorry you two are having to go through this. She has no business going through his room. I never would have done that with my young adults that is just going too far. You may want to get a small lockable box to put food in until you two are able to get him out of there.

tarnalberry Community Regular
tarnalberry
Posted

I can tell you from experience that if y'all have children together you will be bound to this woman and you WILL be forced into situations where she can attack you -with gluten or her new weapon of choice.

No, she will not be forced into situations where the mother can attack her. She doesn't have to interact with her (possible) MIL ever. And, if it is that bad, neither do her children. She (and her possible husband) can CHOOSE how they interact with the woman, and this sort of danger (that she would intentionally make the girlfriend sick) is a darn good reason to choose those interactions very carefully.

pricklypear1971 Community Regular
pricklypear1971
Posted

No, she will not be forced into situations where the mother can attack her. She doesn't have to interact with her (possible) MIL ever. And, if it is that bad, neither do her children. She (and her possible husband) can CHOOSE how they interact with the woman, and this sort of danger (that she would intentionally make the girlfriend sick) is a darn good reason to choose those interactions very

carefully.

We can agree to disagree on that one.

You can attempt to choose, intend to choose, but in the end the fact that you are part of the same family (or related by children) opens you up to vulnerability.

This is pointless to argue about. This young lady is perfectly capable of making her own judgements regarding the situation.

tarnalberry Community Regular
tarnalberry
Posted

We can agree to disagree on that one.

You can attempt to choose, intend to choose, but in the end the fact that you are part of the same family (or related by children) opens you up to vulnerability.

This is pointless to argue about. This young lady is perfectly capable of making her own judgements regarding the situation.

I don't get how there can be an argument. My father and I haven't talked for years because of his behavior - I chose not to put myself into any situation with him. You can argue that she "has" to because it's her (possible) husband's mother, but the nature of their relationship can in no way force her muscles to walk her into the same room with the woman. Could it put a strain on the relationship if they choose different interactions? Oh certainly. But it's still a choice. Even with a child, you do NOT have to permit a grandparent to see the child if there is reason not to. Down to the circumstance of a family emergency and someone's in the hospital - the grandparents do not have any legal rights to be involved in the family.

My point here is that - like with everything in life, including this diet - it's a choice. It may be a very difficult choice, with consequences on either side that are undesirable. But it's still a choice.

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pricklypear1971 Community Regular
pricklypear1971
Posted

I don't get how there can be an argument. My father and I haven't talked for years because of his behavior - I chose not to put myself into any situation with him. You can argue that she "has" to because it's her (possible) husband's mother, but the nature of their relationship can in no way force her muscles to walk her into the same room with the woman. Could it put a strain on the relationship if they choose different interactions? Oh certainly. But it's still a choice. Even with a child, you do NOT have to permit a grandparent to see the child if there is reason not to. Down to the circumstance of a family emergency and someone's in the hospital - the grandparents do not have any legal rights to be involved in the family.

My point here is that - like with everything in life, including this diet - it's a choice. It may be a very difficult choice, with consequences on either side that are undesirable. But it's still a choice.

Ah, but it isn't HER mother. Therefore, it's never her choice in the end.

Look, this obviously isn't about this young lady....you have your experiences. I have mine. She will have hers.

psawyer Proficient
psawyer
Posted

Ah, but it isn't HER mother. Therefore, it's never her choice in the end.

Look, this obviously isn't about this young lady....you have your experiences. I have mine. She will have hers.

I'm not sure what your point is. Everything we do that interacts with another person is by choice. Whether it is your parent, or your partner's parent, it is still a choice to allow interaction with your child. It may be a difficult choice, but you are in control, not the parent or in-law.

pricklypear1971 Community Regular
pricklypear1971
Posted

I'm not sure what your point is. Everything we do that interacts with another person is by choice. Whether it is your parent, or your partner's parent, it is still a choice to allow interaction with your child. It may be a difficult choice, but you are in control, not the parent or in-law.

Ok. Last post on this for me.

Hypothetically, one is only as protected from a partner's relatives as that partner chooses to protect him/her.

Same for children. Especially if the parents are no longer a couple - child custody arrangements, specifically. Adults can be exposed through their children.

tarnalberry Community Regular
tarnalberry
Posted

Ok. Last post on this for me.

Hypothetically, one is only as protected from a partner's relatives as that partner chooses to protect him/her.

Same for children. Especially if the parents are no longer a couple - child custody arrangements, specifically. Adults can be exposed through their children.

There's a reason I so strongly disagree with you - because your first sentence implies that the same holds true for this diet - that someone is only as protected against eating gluten from an inlaw as the partner provides. And I call total BS on that. The idea that it's someone else's responsibility (even if your partner) to keep YOU safe is just a way to pass the blame on to someone else if it fails.

Let's say I didn't like my IL's (though I do!). If I never wanted to see them, I wouldn't have to. DH could visit them for holidays, if they were to visit here we could either have a "not in my house" rule (which would take cooperation from DH, but wouldn't be his responsibility) or I could leave to a hotel while they were here.

It is never someone else's responsibility to take full responsibility for another person. We wouldn't do that with anyone else - say, a partner's friends or coworkers - so why here? Why stop taking responsibility for yourself and claim the helpless victim at the mercy of what other people do? It's - like EVERYTHING - a choice you can make, but it doesn't seem a very safe one!

And why am I harping on it so much? Because it's vital to following the diet in difficult situations. Go to your family's house, and they cook something you don't feel safe with, but you feel you "have to eat it or they will be offended" and you get quite sick. Well, if you take the attitude of leaving yourself to the mercy of others, you abdicated a real choice you have - not to eat the darn food. Heck, it's even their choice to be offended - there is nothing in our world that requires offense because food was declined. Like in any area of life, this diet is one where we have to take full responsibility for ourselves and NOT leave that to others. Nasty IL's are just one other one. :)

You are right, though, with part of the exception. If they had kids, separated, and had a custody arrangement, she could not keep her kid away from the mother (unless it was proven the kid had celiac and the mother showed negligence or malice in feeding the kid gluten or otherwise getting the kid sick). But that doesn't mean she would ever have to see the mother. There would be tradeoffs (I know of separated parents who didn't get to celebrate birthdays with their kid at their party because of conflicts like this. It's doable, even if it's a choice you don't like.)

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