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"breaking Up" With Non-Celiac Roommates

jessiej

By jessiej
in Coping with Celiac Disease

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jessiej Newbie
jessiej
Posted

Hi! I'm brand new to this forum but I was diagnosed in August 2012 so I'm not new to living gluten-free -- hello everyone! :)

 

I decided to write here because I have a conundrum with my living situation. I live with three roommates who are dear friends and who have generally been supportive of my lifestyle. The only thing is -- and I'm sure anyone who's lived with people without food restrictions might agree -- they've never really understood the degree I have to go to to stay healthy. We have a shared kitchen and I keep all of my stuff away from theirs, but lately it's felt futile to do so. They bake with non-gluten-free flour, cut bread right on the counter tops, and the toaster area is never clean and the crumbs travel from there. We're also in our early 20s and they throw parties a lot, so I'm 99% sure beer is covering every surface in our home. I wipe things down every day and run my items through the dishwasher constantly but I know it's not enough to stop the CC. 

 

I've lived with them for almost a year and I've definitely had classic glutenings come up (that AHH, KILL ME kind of glutening we all know so well!), but lately I've been feeling almost like I did pre-diagnosis when I was eating my weight in gluten (haha). I have chronic joint pain, I've been losing hair, I'm exhausted, I have bags under my eyes, I have had wicked brain fog, and I haven't had normal BMs for weeks. I can barely stomach more than gluten-free pasta or gluten-free breads, and I know not eating as many fruits and veggies as I'm used to isn't helping my health problems.  I am not near my regular doctor, but I have a feeling if I had another biopsy done now it would show that I've backslid in my healing process due to chronic cross contamination issues. I'm also a super people pleaser and I have tried to hide my symptoms as best I can so as not to upset anyone - not fair to them or me, I know! :(   

 

I've come to the conclusion that a shared kitchen just doesn't work for me right now, at least not this shared kitchen. I have the means and opportunity to move out - I found an apartment nearby that's a one bedroom so I could have a truly gluten-free kitchen -- but I'm worried about hurting them and having a conversation with them about leaving because I truly love them and know they would never mean to contribute to my feeling ill. I also know it's my responsibility to take care of my health, and I can't ask them to give up cookies and beer without feeling like a really awful roommate. It's definitely time to move on.

 

Have any of you dealt with "breaking up" with non-celiac roommates? How have you handled the conversation and making sure you don't convey blame when you explain your reasons for moving out? I am giving them 30 days notice, so that's not a concern! 

 

Thank you so much and I'm excited to check out the rest of the forums here!!

Jessi 

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1desperateladysaved Proficient
1desperateladysaved
Posted

I feel for you.  Most of us had to change our living arrangements in some way.  I think all you can do is say something like:  That you don't want to be a burden to them, but you feel that for the sake of your health you need to have a gluten free kitchen.  Tell them that you don't expect them to join in that, so you found your own little apartment.

 

When I announced my plans to the extended family, I tried to keep it light.  I blamed celiac.  I said, "Of all the dumb things I have to do for celiac.  now I will need to bring my own food for the holiday meal. I hope you do not mind and I ask that you help me hide it from Mom."  The arrangements were made in advance, so nobody was surprised and everything went as good as could be expected.  Perhaps you can say something similar blaming celiac and not them.

 

Hopefully, they will understand.  I actually have a family which I am tied to at my house.  They didn't understand how come I could no longer supply their favorite foods in the beginning. But when they saw my health transforming betore them, and experienced some of the reactions with me;  they now look out for me and understand.  If your people don't understand right away, perhaps they will understand as your health improves.  I hope so.

 

Best wishes for a return to help.  Can you cook in a separate spot in an electric skillet or crock pot for now?  Moving will use up more energy than you have perhaps.  Then again maybe someone will pitch in to help.

SMRI Collaborator
SMRI
Posted

If they are real friends, this should be a non-issue and they will understand that you need to do what you need to do.  If not, find new friends.

notme Experienced
notme
Posted

i agonized over how i was going to tell my sister i was more comfortable staying at my bff's house instead of hers when i come to visit.  i tried to break it to her gently, when she butted in and said:  so, you are telling me you would rather stay at melanie's when you visit?  i said yes, because it's easier for me to have the peace of mind (she still has gluteny kids at home - boys - who tend to be crumb-y)  blah, blah, blah.  she said:  o thank God.  you are a pain in the ass.  i worry all the time we are going to screw up and make you sick!   

 

and we laughed and laughed.  :D  so, maybe they are having a hard time with worrying about you, too!

Pegleg84 Collaborator
Pegleg84
Posted

It's not a fun situation, but your health is the most important thing. Blame the disease, not your friends, and be clear that it will be easier on everyone if you're on your own. Help them find a new roommate, hopefully the friendships will stay, even if you're not there.

Pretty much since going gluten-free, I've lived on my own mostly for the piece of mind of controlling my own kitchen. Handling rent on your own is not an easy thing to do in this city, but it's been worth it. Now my gluten-eating BF and I are living together, but the kitchen is my domain, and he's been super super careful. No problems as of yet.

Unless your roommates/significant others/family are willing to truly commit to keeping you safe, then it's better to go it alone. 

Good luck with the move!

Also, welcome to the forum!

  • 2 weeks later...
Purpletie3 Newbie
Purpletie3
Posted

Life is short and you have to do what is right for your health...If you think you will be healthier in your own place then make the move. If you think there is a way to mediate the damage in your current home...give it a try. If you have space...your own kitchenette~ Cabinet, toaster oven and def cooking pans and utensils sponges etc...  Trust me...I know the frustration trying to make a change with a gluten loving boyfriend and teen. However, when they see me get sick they know...this is real...and even a careless crumb off a piece of bread can contaminate me. Best of luck with your choice!

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