Post Diagnosis, Depression

[sherylj]

HI,

I have found many good friends here and wish to thank those who responded to previously posts.

I find myself unable to sleep tonight. Let me describe my last few weeks.

Feb. 4,,,my brother died of cancer, I felt honored to help care for him his last month with us and we buried him with relief knowing his suffering had ended.

Feb. 12 I received my diagnosis of celiac and was overjoyed to know the cause of my gastro problems. So overjoyed I thought just deleting the gluten from my diet would lift my depression. I jumped with enthusiasm into looking for "treasures" in ghe grocery store and learned Whole Foods is the best place in my area (Detroit) to find gluten-free goodies. I have my Dad's cookbooks from his celiac years with notes in the margin,,,which bring back memories of when Dad and my brother Mark were still alive.

I put alot of time and energy in to my gluten-free diet so much it was like an obession. I was suppressing my grieving. I guess I have crashed,,all the depression has come down on me so hard today. My tears just keep coming. I guess it was time to cry. Sleep doesn't come easily,,,I have so many chemical helpers,,Ativan,,and Ambien which I find myself reaching for more and more to ease the pain. And tonight the drugs did not work. I could just keep taking more drugs but am afraid of developing a dependency and I have been so shaky and unable to relax or foucus on things I used to enjoy. My irritation level is beyond my control and I feel sorry for my family as they tiptoe around me.

I take Wellbutrin and Lamital,,to lift the depression and level the mood. Everytime I tell my dr. of problems I get another drug shoved at me.

Tonight I don't really care about having to give up gluten. I have comfort foods,,,mashed potatoes, microwave caramel popcorn (one of my brothers recipes), a yummy gluten-free berry cobbler from my Dad's cook book and his notations on which recipes to NOT TRY AGAIN! Ha,,,Thanks Dad,,,and thanks to brother, Mark for the gluten-free recipes they left for me.

OK,,guys I feel better just putting these words down. For anyone else who sufferes mood swings and overwhelming depression don't hesitate to post as I need to know others have similar experiences. Thank God there is a place I can put my thoughts down as few people around me can understand the depth of my loss. And I know just getting this out of my mind will give me some peace and I will be able to get the sleep I badly need.

[cyberprof]

Sheryl,

I relate to so much you have said. Plus, we were diagnosed on the same day.

I hope you can get some sleep and that you find some peace tonight and in the coming days and weeks.

~Laura

[luvs2eat]

My heart goes out to you, Sheryl. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy on the death of your brother.

You've been dealt one helluva set of blows. Death is hard and being diagnosed can seem like another death... that's how I felt after I'd been on the diet for a while and felt better physically but had to come to terms w/ the fact that I'd never be able to eat the challah bread I so enjoyed making.

Let those tears come... and come... and come. It's healing. Give yourself some time and some credit for the loving care you gave your brother and for your understanding and embracing a gluten-free lifestyle.

(((hugs)))

[Fiddle-Faddle]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[JerryK]

Everytime I tell my dr. of problems I get another drug shoved at me.

OK, I had to comment on this statement. I don't know if you were "depressed" before the death in your family or not. If you weren't, don't mistake depression for grieving...they may feel the same, but I'm not sure grief should be treated with a drug unless you are completely debilitated.

Having said that..your statement above says it all. The same thing happened to me. Everytime I went back to the doctor saying I didn't feel good, they gave me a new drug. At one point they even gave my Zyprexa---an atypical anti-psychotic---because they believed it would help me sleep. I gained 30 lbs in a couple weeks. I'd wake up in the refridgerator---eating---literally. It became a family joke, but soon I weighed a whopping 204lbs which didn't look so good on my 5-6 frame.

This isn't to say that drugs don't help, they quite often do, just be very wary. Never ever take anything that makes you feel worse, you'd be surprised how often that happens.

A little more advice I can give you...don't give up, it will get better. I got better and so can you.

Don't worry about dependence...if you find something that works and makes you feel better, stick with it. In my humble opinion, you have less to fear from tried and true medications like Ativan, than you do with new and unproven drugs that have not been around for 30+ years.

SLEEP?? If you aren't sleeping you WILL be depressed. Sleep is necessary for mental health. Don't mistake the symptoms of sleep deprivation with depression. They will feel similar...

Exercise!!! Exercise is the tonic for the soul. It is what keeps me sane(assuming I am) and if I let up for more than a day, my mood starts to plummet.

Above all, accept how you feel today...know that it is temporary and do not fight it.

Take care, Jerry

[Nantzie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I've also had a lot of experience with loss recently and through most of my adult life. Around the time I found out I had gluten intolerance, I was also going through grieving a death (my dad), my marriage was falling apart, and my family had essentially left me in a ditch to deal with everything on my own.

One of the things I've learned is not to fight the emotions. It's going to be a roller coaster. You've been hit by a lot of stuff in a short amount of time. Get a counselor. Just being able to talk it through helps. I don't know why talking about it with a counselor is different than talking to friends, but somehow it truly is.

Above all else though, whenever you have a good day, a good hour or a good two-and-a-half minutes, make sure to enjoy it completely. A good moment can come too quickly or seem inappropriate and make you feel guilty. Don't feel guilty. Grab onto it. I believe those times, however fleeting and rare right now, are gifts. Because right now, you're going to have more bad days than good. The good moments will help to get you through to the next good moment. But slowly, the good times will start coming more often and staying longer.

I hope you're having a good day today.

Nancy

[Maureen73]

Sheryl,

I'm sending hugs your way. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are grieving a loss and it's ok to do so. Feeling sad and grieving are definitely different than depression. Let your emotions out -- maybe write in a journal if you can. Let yourself feel and eventually you will start to heal.

Jerry had a good point in suggesting exercise -- it really does help!!! I have suffered on and off with mild depression for years and a few months ago bought a rowing machine and started rowing about five days a week. It has helped keep me "in check" and I am sleeping better than ever (I too have had horrible insomnia for years).

As for sleep, one thing I have found that works is to try a positive affirmation each night before bedtime. I know it sounds all "crunchy granola", but I was willing to try anything to get some quality sleep Each night I would dread going to bed because I knew I would not sleep well/have nightmares/etc. Now, every night before bedtime I repeat several times "I will sleep well tonight, I am safe". I actually have been sleeping better and am waking up less.

Take care,

Maureen

[confused]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I've also had a lot of experience with loss recently and through most of my adult life. Around the time I found out I had gluten intolerance, I was also going through grieving a death (my dad), my marriage was falling apart, and my family had essentially left me in a ditch to deal with everything on my own.

One of the things I've learned is not to fight the emotions. It's going to be a roller coaster. You've been hit by a lot of stuff in a short amount of time. Get a counselor. Just being able to talk it through helps. I don't know why talking about it with a counselor is different than talking to friends, but somehow it truly is.

Above all else though, whenever you have a good day, a good hour or a good two-and-a-half minutes, make sure to enjoy it completely. A good moment can come too quickly or seem inappropriate and make you feel guilty. Don't feel guilty. Grab onto it. I believe those times, however fleeting and rare right now, are gifts. Because right now, you're going to have more bad days than good. The good moments will help to get you through to the next good moment. But slowly, the good times will start coming more often and staying longer.

I hope you're having a good day today.

Nancy

I agree with the counseling, it will make u feel so much better. You can even contact hospice and most times they will send you an counselor for free. I think it would make u feel so much better. Most times talking to one is so much better then taking new meds.

Also make a list of all the pills you are on, and do an search and see if the meds dont contradict themselves. that can make things worse, ir u are taking pills that should not be taken together.

I also agree exercise, go for an walk after dinner, or do some yoga before bed, or maybe even relaxation tapes as you are snoozing off to sleep.

paula

[dlp252]

I'm so sorry! {{{{{HUGS}}}}

[sherylj]

Sheryl,

I relate to so much you have said. Plus, we were diagnosed on the same day.

I hope you can get some sleep and that you find some peace tonight and in the coming days and weeks.

~Laura

Laura thank you for your reply. Yes, we were diagnosed the same day! and I am "trying" to be gluten-free as well!! I know I have made some slip ups but we all do.

[sherylj]

OK, I had to comment on this statement. I don't know if you were "depressed" before the death in your family or not. If you weren't, don't mistake depression for grieving...they may feel the same, but I'm not sure grief should be treated with a drug unless you are completely debilitated.

Having said that..your statement above says it all. The same thing happened to me. Everytime I went back to the doctor saying I didn't feel good, they gave me a new drug. At one point they even gave my Zyprexa---an atypical anti-psychotic---because they believed it would help me sleep. I gained 30 lbs in a couple weeks. I'd wake up in the refridgerator---eating---literally. It became a family joke, but soon I weighed a whopping 204lbs which didn't look so good on my 5-6 frame.

This isn't to say that drugs don't help, they quite often do, just be very wary. Never ever take anything that makes you feel worse, you'd be surprised how often that happens.

A little more advice I can give you...don't give up, it will get better. I got better and so can you.

Don't worry about dependence...if you find something that works and makes you feel better, stick with it. In my humble opinion, you have less to fear from tried and true medications like Ativan, than you do with new and unproven drugs that have not been around for 30+ years.

SLEEP?? If you aren't sleeping you WILL be depressed. Sleep is necessary for mental health. Don't mistake the symptoms of sleep deprivation with depression. They will feel similar...

Exercise!!! Exercise is the tonic for the soul. It is what keeps me sane(assuming I am) and if I let up for more than a day, my mood starts to plummet.

Above all, accept how you feel today...know that it is temporary and do not fight it.

Take care, Jerry

[sherylj]

To all of you who responded to my somewhat desperate plea for help. THANK YOU! Today was a true roller coaster as I cycled between a morning of tears, sobs and afternoon moments of pure delight as the sun came out..we loaded the bikes on the back of the car and took off for one of our fav. biking park.

Your (((((HUGS))))) felt so good. and ADVICE was right on,,,exercise,,,accept my emotions..see my counselor (she is having me check in with her again this week...complete breakdown is a definite possibility...bipolar is in the family). And I fight paranoia and negative thought processes ALL the time..so positive affirmations are needed and I need to try to make those affirmations instead of hating myself.

And accepting the "okay" prescriptions drugs was a relief to thinkk...okay for now these (Ativan) are okay.

To be truthful I am spinning emotionally but on the positive side I stayed with gluten-free today and I didn't need the Ativan this afternoon cause I was biking instead..Which may contribute to a better nights sleep. And no bad dreams.

It was helpful to hear your stories and hear the understanding in your posts. Just don't know how to say how grateful I am.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

THere is a very strong link between bipolar and caffeine, of all things. Try to cut down, if you can, and eliminating it altogether is probably best.

Caffeine is basically a legal (and often delicious--can you tell I miss it? ) DRUG.

[sherylj]

THere is a very strong link between bipolar and caffeine, of all things. Try to cut down, if you can, and eliminating it altogether is probably best.

Caffeine is basically a legal (and often delicious--can you tell I miss it? ) DRUG.

I have not been very successful at quitting the caffiene. I can do a few days and then something trips me up.

I don't think I have seen a direct link between caffiene and my energy/mood. My mood seems to swing around my emotions, which are all over the map .

Still giving up the cola each day would definitley be a good thing for my weight. I think I would lose some lbs if I gave up that number of calories and added a half hour of exercise or more...Good formula for a positive attitude!!