Mil Issues

[Amyleigh0007]

My MIL is childish and has no common sense. I really need to vent. I am so stressed out because of her. I can't take her anymore. She is always at our house and she complains about everything; her health, the weather, her neighbers, the family. I am to the point where I can't stand to be around her. She will pick fights with me in front of my kids. We ran into her at the store today and she didn't even say a word to my kids, she just had an ignorant comment for me about something I didn't even do and walked off. I think she is bipolar but she won't see a doctor. She watches my daughter two days a week and I dread those days. I don't feel my daughter is safe with her. I have tried to talk to my husband about it many times but he doesn't think the situation is that bad. He will tell her to not be so hateful to me and it will get better for a few weeks but then she is back to her old ways.

What do you all think of this? I need an outside opinion. I don't want my MIL to drive my daughter around because I have no idea where she will take her and who she will take her to see. She used to take my son all over the place to see people I didn't even know and I hated that. I haven't given her a car seat and she asks me everyday if she can have one. My husband says enough is enough and she should get a car seat but I say no. He says if my mom has one then his mom should have one. My mom would never take my kids anywhere without asking me first. My MIL doesn't care. She loves the attention she gets when she has her young grandchildren and she will parade my daughter around to strangers. Am I overreacting? My husband says I am. This is a huge source of stress for me and my relationship with my husband.

[JNBunnie1]

My MIL is childish and has no common sense. I really need to vent. I am so stressed out because of her. I can't take her anymore. She is always at our house and she complains about everything; her health, the weather, her neighbers, the family. I am to the point where I can't stand to be around her. She will pick fights with me in front of my kids. We ran into her at the store today and she didn't even say a word to my kids, she just had an ignorant comment for me about something I didn't even do and walked off. I think she is bipolar but she won't see a doctor. She watches my daughter two days a week and I dread those days. I don't feel my daughter is safe with her. I have tried to talk to my husband about it many times but he doesn't think the situation is that bad. He will tell her to not be so hateful to me and it will get better for a few weeks but then she is back to her old ways.

What do you all think of this? I need an outside opinion. I don't want my MIL to drive my daughter around because I have no idea where she will take her and who she will take her to see. She used to take my son all over the place to see people I didn't even know and I hated that. I haven't given her a car seat and she asks me everyday if she can have one. My husband says enough is enough and she should get a car seat but I say no. He says if my mom has one then his mom should have one. My mom would never take my kids anywhere without asking me first. My MIL doesn't care. She loves the attention she gets when she has her young grandchildren and she will parade my daughter around to strangers. Am I overreacting? My husband says I am. This is a huge source of stress for me and my relationship with my husband.

My personal opinion? You and your husband need a moderator. He is going to be somewhat incapable of understanding how you feel because he's lived with this, it doesn't seem wrong to him. He needs an objective person to carefully explain that he's not seeing this clearly and that he needs to trust you with your children's wellbeing, and that however guilty his mother may make him feel, he has to put his family first. He can't just decide not to deal with it.

On the other side of the coin, what signs in your KIDs have you seen that this particular situation is bad for them? Are they reluctant to go to her house? Do they greet her enthusiastically? Are they in bad moods when they get home? In what way is your daughter truly unsafe with her? Does she have poor driving skills, or just strange social behavior? Were you simply raised differently? In a lot of cultures, it's normal to show off your grandkids. Does she ever lash out at your kids the way she does to you? That's the biggest question.

[mommida]

MILs in general are a rotten bunch.

She is overstepping her bounds when it comes to YOUR children. She does not have the right to take them any where without your permission.

Pay a babysitter. Your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Amyleigh0007]

Thank you so much for your posts. I have been struggling with this situation for so long and have not talked about it except with my husband and mom. I really needed some outside opinions.

I agree that she has no right to take my children anywhere w/o my permission but she doesn't see it that way. My husband will tell her it's okay and even though she knows I don't what her to do it she will anyway. I would love to be able to pay for a sitter but we can't afford it. My mom watches my daughter the other three days a week and has offered many, many times to keep her all week but my husband won't have that. He says it's not fair to his mom.

My husband and I were raised very differently. I am very close to my family and he is not. My mom and dad rarely argued and his mom and dad fought all the time. My MIL was raised by her grandparents and she has had a rough life. My parents both come from close families too. I do think of that and that's why I've been tolerating her behavior for the past 9 years. But, I can't do it anymore. My son runs to my mom and gives her hugs and kisses. He won't even come into the room when my MIL comes over. My son will beg for sleepovers with my parents but he has never asked to have one with my MIL. He is 8 and can see how she treats me. He is old enough to understand that it isn't right. Today at the store, when she didn't even say a word to him but made a snide remark to me and left, it hurt him. What kind of grandma does that? He was very quiet for awhile like he was processing what just happened.

[dandelionmom]

Just tell your husband that you want grandma to be grandma not the daycare lady. I think you'll all benefit from that. You need a daycare person that respects your boundaries or you're not going to feel comfortable all day.

A good book: Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

[Amyleigh0007]

I had a heart to heart with my husband and he has agreed to tell my MIL that she is not allowed to take our daughter anywhere but to his grandmas. We are to know where she is at all times. She will not get a car seat if she doesn't agree to this. I am so glad I posted my troubles and you all replied. Typing it all out and seeing it in black and white made me realize that I don't have to take her crap and I needed to spell it out for my husband. I am glad that my husband has finally come around and realizes that she is causing me stress. I couldn't sleep at all last night and he knew it was because of her. I will check out that book, Toxic Inlaws. It sounds like a good read. Thanks again!

[debmidge]

One question.....what is your MIL's age? I was just wondering if there were any

dementia issues.......

My MIL is like Mrs. Romano on "everybody lves raymond." Thankfully we didn't

live in the same neighborhood. But with a Mrs. Romano-type you need to live in

the next state.

[home-based-mom]

I had a heart to heart with my husband and he has agreed to tell my MIL that she is not allowed to take our daughter anywhere but to his grandmas. We are to know where she is at all times. She will not get a car seat if she doesn't agree to this.

Put something in place to assure compliance without putting your daughter in the position of tattling that Grandma took her somewhere else.

[JNBunnie1]

My son runs to my mom and gives her hugs and kisses. He won't even come into the room when my MIL comes over. My son will beg for sleepovers with my parents but he has never asked to have one with my MIL. He is 8 and can see how she treats me. He is old enough to understand that it isn't right. Today at the store, when she didn't even say a word to him but made a snide remark to me and left, it hurt him. What kind of grandma does that? He was very quiet for awhile like he was processing what just happened.

This is the answer I was looking for. If your husband isn't capable of realizing this, then you guys really need to have more heart-to-hearts. If your children aren't happy with this woman, then that's not ok. You might even suggest to him that he ask the kids something like "Hey, I just decided you guys can have a sleepover this weekend! Would you rather go to (gramma 1) or (gramma 2) 's house? When you decide, we can call and ask!"

I know that seems kind of underhanded, and you want to be very careful not to put the kids on the spot so they feel guilty picking one. But it might help him understand how they feel. Just an idea.

You might also speak with him about the fact that thi swoman is always in your house being horrible to you in front of your children. It makes them feel bad, yes, but more importantly, does he want them to learn this behavior for themselves?

[Amyleigh0007]

debmidge- My MIL is in her mid-sixties. She is very depressed. She has no friends or family that will speak to her. We are all she has besides my two brothers-in-law (and they think she is nuts too but she is their mom so they tolerate her behavior). I have suggested couseling to her many, many, many times but she will see someone once or twice then decide she doesn't like them and stop going. She is on anti-depression meds but it obviously is not working.

JNBunnie1- My husband is aware that our son would choose my parents over his mom. My MIL is aware of this too. She hates my mom because of it. She won't even speak to her or look at her if they are together. I did tell him that she is ALWAYS over here and usually being ignorant to me in front of the kids or talking about things that shouldn't be discussed in front of the kids. He told me not to answer the door or phone if she comes over/calls when he is not here. I think the more I let him know how stressful this is for me the more he is coming around.

home_based_mom- I wish there was some kind of distance tracker or hidden camera I could connect to my daughters car seat so I would know if she has been taken anywhere she isn't supposed to be She is only 13 months so she can't tattle right now. When my son was old enough to clearly communicate is when she stopped taking him all over. I would confront her about where she had taken him and she couldn't lie because my son had already told me. But, my husband has promised to speak to her about that before she gets a car seat.

It helps so much to be able to "talk" to someone (besides my husband) about this. Thanks for listening and your suggestions.