Am I Overreacting Here?

[horsegirl]

I've been following the restrictive diet lifestyle for nearly 3 years, with good results for the most part. I am the one who cooks the meals in our household, mainly because my husband won't cook, even though we both work full-time (that's a topic for another day!). I would think by now that he's also well-aware of my restrictions, because he sees me struggle with meal planning, shopping, & dining out, but I feel like he still just doesn't "Get It" much of the time. For example, for my birthday, he bought me 2 boxes of flavored tea, neither of which I could drink because they contained barley extract. For Valentine's Day, he planned ahead & went to a gluten free restaurant/bakery & purchased lasagna, cinnamon rolls, & bread, for a special dinner for our family. That was incredibly sweet to me, because he doesn't usually do that. However, he neglected the fact that I can't have soy either, & all of the things he purchased had soy in them, so I could eat none of them. Only 1 week prior I had been to that bakery, & came home frustrated because they use soy in almost everything, which I very clearly told him.

Other times, he will do something like cut up a pineapple for all of us to have, neglecting to wash his hands first after having just eaten toast or bread or something equally "gluten-y", so what he's cut up becomes contaminated for me. I have explained my restrictions many times to him, including the risk of CC at home since he eats gluten. I tried to kindly express my frustration to him again after the Valentine's Day fiasco, explaining that while I LOVED the fact that he planned ahead, & did this all on his own as a kindness to me, I still felt left out because of the soy issue. I also told him that if the tables were turned, I would have felt mortified, apologized all over the place, & gone to the store to buy something to make him from scratch so he could still join in the nice dinner. However, once he realized his mistake, he didn't offer anything of the sort, & I cooked my own dinner. With the pineapple incident, he didn't apologize either, & basically said I'm making too big a deal of it because he made a mistake, & "there's more at the store if you want some".

I know this is a long rant, but as you can see, I'm frustrated by all of this, especially since this week I've been struggling with clearly being contaminated somewhere because I've been ill.

Any suggestions, or people who might have had similar situations in their relationships?

Thanks.

[jackay]

I don't think others can truly understand how gluten is effecting someone unless they have gluten intolerances. My DH told me he took a clean knife to cut a squash so what was left in the refrigerator would be safe for me to eat. He was trying but I doubt he washed his hands first or washed the "clean knife" before using it. If he did, he probably used a contaminated towel for drying his hands or the knife. He tries, but just doesn't get it.

I find I can only rely on myself to be careful of cross contamination. I do all the cooking for myself and wash all the dishes, even the ones he uses just to make sure they are clean enough for my use.

I think it is easier for a woman to understand this issue as on the whole, women are more nurturing. I'm not saying this to put down guys, just that this is what I observe. I do know a few men who are very understanding and supportive of their spouses health issues and basically bend over backwards to cater to them. Not my case.

While my DH does try, he gets upset when I correct him on something he does that can cause contamination. I think he just feels so bad and his way of handling it is to get defensive.

On a brighter note, today my dear husband asked me how quinoa tastes. I offered him a spoonful and he said he couldn't use my spoon because it would get cross contaminated. I didn't even think of that. I grabbed a clean spoon for his taste. He saved me from a possible disastrous situation.

[nmlove]

My husband tries too and of everyone, he's the one that most gets it. But there are still issues. Though we are relatively new compared to you (6 months). I think it's because he's not at home dealing with it every day. I'm the one who does the planning, most of the cooking, etc. for our household (us and three kids). He eats lunch at work and can still eat whatever he pleases, whenever he pleases and as we all know, we've all been there, you don't really think that much about food. So maybe that's some of it with your husband. Though I didn't like reading he didn't apologize - it can be a big deal!

[sandsurfgirl]

It sounds like your DH is trying really hard for you, and all you can do is applaud his efforts. It's so convoluted and hard to understand for us celiacs, I just think it's very hard for them.

It is so sweet that he did that for you on Valentine's Day. He went way out of his way and probably felt embarrassed and awful that it still wasn't right. Men need to feel successful and if he feels like he's blowing it at every turn, he might quit trying.

Gentle reminders and HUGE thank you's when he gets it right are the way to go. He sounds like you have a good guy there!

In the pineapple incident, could you have washed it off and then cut the outside edges off the pieces you were going to eat? Maybe you are too sensitive even for that, but the point is, find a way to make it work when he tries. The more you praise him, the harder he will try. Men are sort of like puppies that way! (Sorry guys but you know it's true!) Works like a charm with my husband and he freely admits it.

[horsegirl]

Thanks for the perspective, everyone. I know he's trying, & the Valentine's Day thing was very sweet. I guess I still grieve not being able to feel "normal" & eat whatever I want, whenever I want. There's no way for him to truly understand that, though I wish there was!

I will continue to praise him when he tries, & remind him if things are unsafe for me. I just hope he's able to accept that I'm not criticizing him, I'm just trying to stay healthy!

[Roda]

I've had to take another look at my household. I'm the gluten free one of the bunch. I have a husband and two boys ages 9 and 5. Since Jan. I have been miserable. I am in the process of ruling out gallbladder issues, but since my aga was still elevated I had to look at crosscontamination issues as well. I sat back and realized there were areas that needed improvement. Hubby is great and knows this makes me sick, but there were a few things he need to pay more attention to. It is really hard to change. When I first started it was hard for me too. He is now doing some things differently and I sooooo appreciate it. There are some things in the house that are just a given that are contaminated. Phone, comuter etc. I'm still working on those but the kitchen area is much better. I still have to remind him of things, but not as much. I think me not feeling well put things back in perspective.

[sandsurfgirl]

Thanks for the perspective, everyone. I know he's trying, & the Valentine's Day thing was very sweet. I guess I still grieve not being able to feel "normal" & eat whatever I want, whenever I want. There's no way for him to truly understand that, though I wish there was!

I will continue to praise him when he tries, & remind him if things are unsafe for me. I just hope he's able to accept that I'm not criticizing him, I'm just trying to stay healthy!

We're all grieving aren't we? I know I am. I grieve everyday right now because I'm still pretty sick much of the time and can't figure out why, or maybe it's just withdrawals still. Here's a hug. We can cry together!

[horsegirl]

We're all grieving aren't we? I know I am. I grieve everyday right now because I'm still pretty sick much of the time and can't figure out why, or maybe it's just withdrawals still. Here's a hug. We can cry together!

Thanks for the support - we all need it! And I do appreciate it.

[kbug]

It's because they don't understand... they don't have to live with the pain. It becomes very difficult with family and friends, because unless they are really trying to do what's best for you, they won't really think about the fact that one little protien in a tiny amount will make you suffer for days. This is why communication is really important, and sometimes it doesn't help. But we keep on trying anyway! If he loves you he defintely should put out some effort, not just what is convienient for him.