Dating

[Cookie]

Hi there,

I’m a long time reader, but first time poster, hoping that some of you might share your experience with me.

I’ve recently come to the sad realisation that I can’t tolerate gluten, dairy or soy (and quite possibly others). I’m concerned about how this is going to impact my chances on the dating scene.

Can I ask those of you who’ve been there and done it what kind of reactions you get from your date once they learn of your condition?

Do they instantly lose interest in you?

[KaitiUSA]

The people that are worth spending your time with will not see this as a big deal. There are other things to do on dates other then eat out. It can be easily worked around. You'll hit the occasionally jerk...o well their loss...that's my attitude about it.

[ianm]

For me if they don't get it then it is usually a good warning sign that this may not be someone I want hanging around. If after another date or two and they still don't get then it is time to look elsewhere.

[Cookie]

Thanks for the replies people!

Out of curiosity, when do you feel is the best time to break the news? Are you normally upfront during your first meeting or do you leave it until they get suspicious about why you “never go to restaurants”?

[jenvan]

I'm married now (See--somebody did want someone with food "issues !), but when dating I was always up front about the food/gluten stuff. I found that it usually came up naturally. If you meet someone who is truly interested in you, they will pursue you regardless of gluten And you would want to be with someone who is willing to make the effort to care for you and who want to understand what you are experiencing--not just "gluten, oh." But, actually ask questions and make sure they get it...

[Emme999]

I currently have a boyfriend - but he was being a real loser when I first found out about this. A few weeks ago, he totally did *not* understand and was absolutely not there for me when I needed him. Saying "This is not a big deal! It's just food!" when I would cry & various other stupid things. He has since changed though - dramatically - and has become my most vigilant supporter. The other day he took me to Wild Oats so that we could find some gluten free soy sauce & gluten free terriyaki sauce & gluten free barbeque sauce & whatever else so that I could enjoy the barbeques with everyone else. He has become incredibly sweet about this - and has somehow turned into my Celiac Disease angel

Anyway - *while* he was being a hoser, I was talking to another (guy) friend of mine... "I am allergic to dairy, eggs, sesame seeds, and now this!! Nobody is going to want to be with me!! " *sniff* We were on the phone but I could practically hear him grinning as he said, "Honey, you couldn't get here fast enough " Aww Nothing could have made me feel better. Especially because he is allergic to damn near every *other* food on the planet and gluten is one of the few things he can eat!

So, don't worry. These people are out there - some of them are wonderful from the beginning - but there are others who will turn out to be amazing once they learn about the disease. I had no idea that my boyfriend could be so understanding and generous until just recently. I took him to a lecture on celiac disease and when someone in the group spoke of how their villi weren't healing and others asked if they had checked their lipstick, shampoos, lotions, etc. ... it was like a light bulb went off in his head and suddenly he "got it." Now he is really caring for me and helping me to get better.

He even called Hot Tamales candy this morning to find out if they have gluten in them. I told him if I gain back the weight I've lost since going gluten free it's all his fault! But he just laughed I think he must love me And I didn't think our relationship would survive this - but it's become stronger because of it

- Michelle

[jknnej]

In the nicest possible way I am suggesting that anyone who is not sensitive enough to understand what you tell them about your diet and be supportive of it, you should not waste your time with. There are too many wonderful people out there. Besides, look at all of the vegans out there who are married, or people on regular diets. I don't think they have any problems meeting people. There are restaurants you can go to.

I would not worry at all! When I met my hubby we were too broke to go out to eat anyway, so we cooked at our apartments.

[celiac3270]

I was going to chime in when I first saw this thread with no replies and then my computer froze up. Basically, I was going to say that the general concensus is that it weeds out the people you don't want to be dating, anyway. I have nothing much to add except that I did a quick search for dating on this site and here's some stuff you might want to read. I would recommend that you don't bring it up immediately and say, "Hello. I have Celiac disease," but if food comes up, then you introduce it. Here are some threads on it:

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

[Carriefaith]

I’m concerned about how this is going to impact my chances on the dating scene.

The only thing it may impact is limiting the places you can eat out. I would take the time to find some celiac friendly restaurants in your area if you are interested in eating out with your dates.

I think the best thing to do is to tell your date right away about celiac with a line like, "I am limited to the places I can eat out because I have celiac disease, which is a severe intolerance to gluten found in wheat, rye, barely, and oats". Then I would proceed to say "when I eat gluten, even small crumbs, it damages my intestine and can lead to cancer, osteoporous, infertility ect". That way it's all right there out in the open and if they can't deal with it then it's their loss.

[Emme999]

I think the best thing to do is to tell your date right away about celiac with a line like, "I am limited to the places I can eat out because I have celiac disease, which is a severe intolerance to gluten found in wheat, rye, barely, and oats". Then I would proceed to say "when I eat gluten, even small crumbs, it damages my intestine and can lead to cancer, osteoporous, infertility ect". That way it's all right there out in the open and if they can't deal with it then it's their loss.

Whoa Carrie! I think they should know but I don't think we need to scare the poor bastards I think your first line is great ("I am limited to the places I can eat out because I have celiac disease...") but then -until you know them better- I think you should lay off on the cancer/osteoporosis/infertility stuff. That's pretty hard core! Plus, why provide intimate details with someone who hasn't even taken you on a second date yet? I think I'd wait on the negative stuff until *you* decide if you are willing to share yourself with them. Maybe, "I have celiac disease - it's a wicked intolerance to gluten that can cause serious problems if I eat it." If they are concerned enough about you to want to know more *then* you could divulge.

But Carrie is absolutely right - if they can't deal with it, it's *their* loss!!

(Just think of how cool you are!! )

As one of my best counselors used to tell me: Honor yourself.

- Michelle

[jenvan]

Perhaps the delicacy with which you broach the subject can depend upon who you're out on the date with ie. My husband is a no-holds-bar honesty type person, who, on our first date, asked me so incredibly pointed and personal questions ! So, I could have whipped out the gluten on him pretty dang fast !

[celiac3270]

Like I said, I don't have any qualifications to be writing in this thread, nonetheless, I, like Michelle, get the impression that putting it that way is...intimidating and a little blunt. Celiac disease, gluten intolerance, allergy to wheat, rye, and barley all seem a little softer....

[pogirl1786]

I also wondered at one point how I was supposed to let the guys know about my dieting needs. Since I was diagnosed in high school, most of the guys I dated knew me and knew about what I'd gone through and at least knew I had the disease. However, when I went off to college I wondered how I would tell people- and especially guys I went out with- about my "needs". What ended up working for me, was to simply suggest a restaurant I could eat at and explain that I couldn't have gluten. I figured that explaining to him in that way wouldn't scare him off, but would make him at least aware of it, and if I kept dating him, I'd gradually fill in more. That's what's worked for me so far. And everyone else is right- it is a fabulous way to see the true character in a person and to find out just how much they want to get to know you. It's difficult, but it's a part of who we are, and we can present that part with tact, without being ashamed or embarrassed of anything.

[Carriefaith]

I guess I am just a very up front person. When I tell people I have celiac disease, most people have no clue what it is, so I always follow it up with a line like that. It doesn't scare people away, I say stuff like that to people all the time. If it scared someone away I would be very offended!

When I say "I have an allergy or an intolerance", most people say something like "oh, I understand, I'm lactose intolerant, so I understand!" and then they proceed to eat lactose and so on

I don't know... I guess I think people understand me more when I say that celaic disease is that serious (which it is). I get the impression that most people think I'm werid when I am super picky and paranoid about my food, so it makes me feel better when they know why I'm like that. The worst is restaurants, because if I don't trust it, I don't eat it! At restaurants, most people say "why can't you just have that salad with no croutons", even though you know it is most likely contaminated and I say " No I can't have that because it may be contaminated". In this sort of situation, if the person doesn't know how serious celiac disease is, they are probably secretly thinking that I am very picky and werid.

Just my two cents

[VydorScope]

My wife cant eat nuts, even a trace amount will send her in to anflicted (SP????) shock, and literly could kill her. It just came up durring conversations on where to go on a date/etc. Did not phase me me at all, which since we have been married 9 years now should be odvious. Had I know I was celiac disease at the time, she would not have cared.

Nobody is free from problems, when you decide to persue a relationship with some one you have to expect, and accept the problems too. If you cant, then your not worthy of the person your persueing.

Like it has been siad manytimes in this thread, if they cant accept celiac disease then they are not worth your time, no matter how cute they are.

[blueshift]

I simply tell anyone that I meet that my emotions might get too wrapped up while I am in a lot of company. In that very enjoyment I might accidentally grab something to eat, forgetting to ask the waitress or waiter whether or not soy sauce or teriyaki sauce was used in the cooking..

So I give them a warning that my life is like a hyperbolic curve, coming close but never quite touching many things that others will mingle with..

While dating or sex never interested me that much ( I was too busy nursing my gut or studying the universe), the friends I do have understand my condition enough not to let it bother them.

[Cookie]

This is all good news

I feel reassured about my prospects. I think perhaps I was unduly worried about a situation that really isn’t that much of a big deal. It’s just going to take a bit of getting used to!

Many thanks to you all for sharing your experiences

[westiepaws]

Hi! I dated a psychiatrist for a while right as and after I was being diagnosed. Having been schooled in traditional medicine, he initially thought I was being misled and/or was a hypochondriac. UNTIL I showed him the esteemed research citations in the back of the book "Dangerous Grains." (Lancet, NEJM, Gut, AMA, etc., etc.) Then he started keeping almond milk and snacks I could eat at his house for me and *sometimes* actually gave my dietary needs a moment's thought before we went places together!

I still ended up dumping him last week for other reasons unrelated to dietary stuff !

BUT the moral of the story is that as Katie and others said:

*the dietary issues save us time in separating the dating wheat from the dating chaff (pardon the analogy, we can't have the wheat OR the chaff, but you know what I mean!).

and as I would add:

*sometimes a person is okay with the dating issues but still must be dumped for other reasons.

Toodles,

westiepaws

[jknnej]

Who cares HOW you tell someone? Each of our personalities is different. Some of us are very direct and can tell our life stories within minutes of meeting someone; others don't do that.

It doesn't matter how you tell someone as long as you are being yourself.

If they can't handle it or the way I choose to tell it, they won't like me anyway!

[VydorScope]

If they can't handle it or the way I choose to tell it, they won't like me anyway!

Excellent point!

[ShortStuff2309]

I was just diagnosed with this and my bf of 2 years was great about it. It's his dad that has me angry. He doesn't believe that's what's wrong with me. As if he even has the right to say that, he has no idea what I've been through!