Feeling Guilty For Being Sick

[Aeva]

First off, I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and a lot of that has to do with how compassionate he is. We've been dating for almost a year and a half, more than a year of that being before I was diagnosed. Whenever my stomach is acting up, he immediately asks if there's anything he can get me, and is generally very understanding about it all. In all past relationships, I've worried that my health is going to ruin things. I know if I had the choice, I would not want to put up with any of the lovely side-effects of my conditions, and I therefore wonder why any man would voluntarily subject himself to all that wonderfulness that comes along with being a part of my life. My boyfriend has always assured me that none of this bothers him. Until tonight. I've been working 35 hours a week, as well as having a full class schedule (I'm a sophomore in college), so we haven't really had any couple time lately. Tonight I had some rare free time, so we planned to go out to dinner. A few nights ago, I got glutened (CC), and my body is still making sure I know, so dinner was off. He tried not to show it, but I could tell he was upset, and I asked him about it. He admitted that it was getting frustrating for him, plans getting constantly postponed or cancelled because I'm sick. Of course the frequency has decreased since I've gone gluten-free, but as I'm still figuring things out, it's occasionally happening. The most frustrating (for both of us) is that it often hits right when we're about to...get intimate. Given my hectic schedule, and the fact that we both still live with our parents, the occasion comes around rarely, and so when the opportunity presents itself, it's nice to be able to act on it. But more often than not, I end up in the fetal position crying in pain, or in the bathroom for an hour. All of this is kind of putting a strain on our otherwise great relationship, and I'm worried that it's going to lead to our demise.

How do I help him with this? He knows that it's not my fault, and hates that he feels this way, but he can't help it. And I totally understand, I just hate that this is hurting him. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Thanks,

Aeva

[kareng]

If you are living gluten-free, why are you constantly getting glutened? If you have been gluten free for a year, you ought to have it under control? I've been gluten-free for 7 months. I'm wondering if you have some other intolerances. I don't get " glutened" . I know accidents happen but maybe you need to be more careful if it's happening often enough to interfere with your " fun time" ? ( not meant to be mean)

[Aeva]

I've only been gluten-free for 4 months, and pretty much know what I can and can't eat. My parents, however, are having a harder time adjusting, and can't really seem to get the cross-contamination issue set. They will, for instance, pick me up a burger or something, and neglect to tell me that it originally had a bun and they simply removed it, or use ingredients in things that they don't expect to contain gluten, then tell me that they're sure it was gluten-free. For the most part, I make the meals in my house, but on the rare occasion that they cook, I need to read all the labels of everything they've used.

This has only happened 2 or 3 times since I went gluten-free, but I do get ill for several days each time. I think my boyfriend's frustration is more residual from before the diagnosis. I used to be sick at least once a week, leaving major dents in our plans.

[cassP]

i totally feel for you. i live alone, so i can monitor the gluten free pretty well... i used to feel more bloated going home- untill i realized just how vigilant i had to be- my parents understood kind of what i needed to avoid- but they wouldnt realize how wheat was in almost everything- like even the "demi-glase" they would use to make the sauce for a steak.

im much better now- but still have gurgles and bloating- because i have fructose malabsorption & some issues with lactose.

is there any way you and your boyfriend can live together? i dont know your circumstances... cultural/religious/economic... but i do know (at 38yrs old and after a lot of heartache)-> that relationships need attention- even if you two truly love eachother- the love isnt always enough- you both need nurturing... and if u had more time together- than you could be more flexible with your romantic time AND your occasional intestinal issues. it would take a little pressure off of you.

anyways- as you're healing- and perhaps even discovering additional restrictions you need to make- whether it's lactose, soy, fructose, fructans, or whatever-> you will get to a place where you feel pretty much normal

[ravenwoodglass]

Another thought about CC, is you boyfreind gluten-free? If he isn't, and it sounds like he's not, is he brushing his teeth to remove any gluten residue before you guys kiss? If not that could be contributing to your glutenings.

It is hard when our family doesn't understand fully the CC risk. If you can sit them down and explain it to them fully or invite them here. Many don't realize how careful we have to be and it seems like 'overkill' to them until they become more knowledgeable about the way the antibody reaction works.

[Aeva]

is there any way you and your boyfriend can live together? i dont know your circumstances... cultural/religious/economic... but i do know (at 38yrs old and after a lot of heartache)-> that relationships need attention- even if you two truly love eachother- the love isnt always enough- you both need nurturing... and if u had more time together- than you could be more flexible with your romantic time AND your occasional intestinal issues. it would take a little pressure off of you.

We are planning on moving in together as soon as we can afford it. Even though I'm working full time, he doesn't have a job (and he graduated college this year too, so he hasn't got classes either), so it's not really in the cards til that happens.

Thanks for your advice, I will think all of this over.

[dilettantesteph]

Celiac disease can be very hard on a relationship. It has been hard on my husband also. It can be hard on intimacy. Of course you don't want to be intimate when you are having symptoms. That is hard for someone without symptoms to understand. I wouldn't rush to move in together until things are under control and you are sure that this is the guy for you. Once you make that commitment it is harder to back out.

Some of us are more sensitive to trace contamination than others and it can take a lot longer than 4 months to figure it all out. I kept getting glutened all the time for longer than that. I still get glutened after 3 years. I am nonetheless convinced that I don't have some other problem, because I have long periods when I am not getting glutened when I am very healthy. I even did a mini triathlon.

Your boyfriend possibly contaminating you is a definite possibility. I even got glutened by kissing my daughter, and believe me, it wasn't a passionate kiss, and she doesn't eat gluten in our house. She had just come back from a meal with friends.