My Girlfriend Is A Celiac And I Need Help

[Tpayne10]

My girlfriend was diagnosed with celiac disease in february of this year. Since then, her family has taking the steps necessary to make her feel normal. Her father has even gone as far as cooking everything gluten-free for her and when she's home she gets to eat home made gluten-free bread, pasta, cake, pie etc. However, the problem is we are in college and home is a bit of a ways for us. That being said, my girlfriend has started to feel unsupported by me and I don't know how to handle this. I want nothing more than to make her feel loved and supported. I continually make sure she has food and that she can eat but i don't feel this is enough. I truly am considering going gluten-free. NO FOOD is more important than her and I would gladly drop gluten for her. I would really like help on this issue because its causing stress on our relationship and i feel that it may cause us to break up. I truly love this girl and want this relationship to continue. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciate it.

[srall]

Well, I can't stress this enough: Your girlfriend is normal. Or if she isn't, it's not because she's diagnosed with Celiac.

My best advice is to believe her, know that gluten does harm her in many different ways, seen and unseen, and she can NEVER EVER EVER eat it. There is no such thing as "A little bit won't hurt you now and then" If you guys have a place to cook you could at least explore making some gluten free meals. Many things "normal" people eat every day (sorry...couldn't resist) are naturally gluten free. Fish and a salad, rice and beans etc. Maybe you could agree to eat gluten free for the meals you eat together.

Read some peoples' stories on this board to get an idea how seriously this effects peoples' lives.

You are amazing for even coming here and asking advice.

[Skylark]

Hi there. You're very kind to post about your girlfriend.

Making sure she has gluten-free food with you is great, as is taking her out to restaurants with gluten-free selections on the menu. If she is newly diagnosed, she may find you eating foods she can no longer have like pizza or cookies in front of her upsetting. It doesn't bother me if my date is eating bread or pasta or having a beer, but I've been gluten-free for so long that those foods don't even look appealing any more. I do have to admit, it's sweet when a date orders off the gluten-free menu too so we can share entrees. Perhaps she would feel more supported if you stick to gluten-free foods around her. There's also no risk of accidentally poisoning her with a gluteny kiss that way.

Another thing that happens is non-celiacs don't really understand how hard the gluten-free diet can be sometimes. You do your best, then some stupid waiter lies about the gluten status of food in a restaurant and you're sick for days. Or you go to a party and there are so many cracker crumbs on the appetizer table that you're afraid to eat anything. Offering some empathy at times like this is probably what she's looking for. Celiacs who are really sensitive often catch a lot of emotional abuse from people saying a reaction to a couple crumbs is "in their heads". We get waiters who bring salads with croutons, and are rude when we say we can't just pick the croutons off. Families who cook on old wooden cutting boards or butter our gluten-free bread from the same stick of butter as the gluten-bread and tell us we're being neurotic when the food makes us sick - that sort of thing. Always believe her when she says she has reacted or is afraid to eat somewhere. That validation is really important.

[Tpayne10]

Thank you so much. I truly want nothing more then to understand what celiacs go through and let my girlfriend know that i will always be by her side. I have been reading a lot of the post on here and everything I've read has really stressed making sure food is available at all times. Especially during social settings. One of the things my girlfriend continually tells me is that pizza parties kill her. Luckily her father can make anything gluten free. I on the other hand am still learning how to master gluten free cooking. I find myself wanting to do many great things for her, but im hesitant because i don't want to screw up and cause a setback for her. Also i plan on taking her to a celiac support group. She has been saying she wants to go and i think it would be great for her. But i don't really know if me staying would be good. Thank you for the comments and replies and i hope to hear even more feedback.

[Tpayne10]

Hi there. You're very kind to post about your girlfriend.

Making sure she has gluten-free food with you is great, as is taking her out to restaurants with gluten-free selections on the menu. If she is newly diagnosed, she may find you eating foods she can no longer have like pizza or cookies in front of her upsetting. It doesn't bother me if my date is eating bread or pasta or having a beer, but I've been gluten-free for so long that those foods don't even look appealing any more. I do have to admit, it's sweet when a date orders off the gluten-free menu too so we can share entrees. Perhaps she would feel more supported if you stick to gluten-free foods around her. There's also no risk of accidentally poisoning her with a gluteny kiss that way.

Another thing that happens is non-celiacs don't really understand how hard the gluten-free diet can be sometimes. You do your best, then some stupid waiter lies about the gluten status of food in a restaurant and you're sick for days. Or you go to a party and there are so many cracker crumbs on the appetizer table that you're afraid to eat anything. Offering some empathy at times like this is probably what she's looking for. Celiacs who are really sensitive often catch a lot of emotional abuse from people saying a reaction to a couple crumbs is "in their heads". We get waiters who bring salads with croutons, and are rude when we say we can't just pick the croutons off. Families who cook on old wooden cutting boards or butter our gluten-free bread from the same stick of butter as the gluten-bread and tell us we're being neurotic when the food makes us sick - that sort of thing. Always believe her when she says she has reacted or is afraid to eat somewhere. That validation is really important.

Thank you very much. I truly appreciate your suggestions. This is really important to me and I want as much advice as I can get. How do i know which restaurants are truly gluten free. The problem has been that some restaurants advertise gluten free and still cook around gluten. My girlfriend sometimes doesn't want to risk it and I understand why. We live in atlanta and there aren't any gluten free restaurants. Also, do you think taking her to a celiac support group would be good? She mentions wanting to go every now and then but i don't know if i'd be imposing.

[Skylark]

Yeah, I'd avoid the pizza parties for now. She will find them easier in a year or two, at which point she will sit there with food she has brought for herself wondering how people can eat all that gross-looking wheat and not get sick.

I think it would be great to take her to a support group meeting. Walking into a roomful of strangers can be daunting, so she will probably welcome your company. You shouldn't have any issues being there, as your purpose is to support someone you love who has celiac. A support group will also be a great resource for finding restaurants where the two of you can eat out.

You absolutely have gluten-free restaurants in Atlanta. Open Original Shared Link has a restaurant list. Some of the listings note that the staff is trained in celiac. Those will be the best ones to try. I love Bonefish Grill when I'm visiting Georgia, although it may be beyond a college budget. You also have P.F. Changs, which uses dedicated woks for their gluten-free food and serves it on special plates so you can tell that they didn't mess up. If your girlfriend is afraid to eat anywhere there is gluten in the facility, hopefully the support group can help her understand that it is possible to prepare gluten-free food when the staff is trained correctly. Some people are so sensitive that they cannot eat out at all, but it is relatively unusual.

As far as cooking, don't be afraid! Clean your kitchen well to be sure there is no flour residue or breadcrumbs anywhere. Don't put her food in your toaster, as it's almost impossible to get all the breadcrumbs out. Things that can have traces of gluten are your cutting board, seasoned cast iron, wooden spoons, pasta colander, or old, scratched up teflon. You might want to buy a fresh cutting board and frying pan you use for only gluten-free food and get a separate strainer if you're making gluten-free pasta. Barbecue grills generally have gluten on the racks, so cook her food on fresh foil if you grill. Dishes, utensils, or regular steel and aluminum pots just need a good scrub. If you're baking, make sure your pans don't have any baked-on residue. Steel wool will generally get them clean but aluminum baking pans are cheap enough to replace if you have any doubt.

Then go to town with naturally gluten-free foods. Meats cooked from scratch, simple herbs and spices (no mixes, please), baked potatoes, rice, cheese if she eats dairy, salads, homemade soups. Dodge the whole label reading issue by cooking with whole, fresh foods. A potato is clearly gluten-free for example. Indian food is traditionally gluten free, so grab an Indian cookbook if you're inclined. There are other gluten-free cookbooks available now from Amazon if you're not one to cook from scratch. If you want to do breads or cookies, the Betty Crocker gluten-free mixes are really good, and I've made good bread from the Bob's Red Mill gluten-free mixes. Pamela's brownie mix is excellent too. Hint: Glutino, Udi's and Kinnikinnick all make pizza crust. (If you have any doubts about your baking sheet, cook it on baking parchment or foil.)

[LDJofDenver]

And aside from all the above excellent advice, try to focus on what she CAN have, as opposed to things she can't have.

My first week after diagnosis, my husband and I made dinner and afterwards he said: "You just ate what we normally eat all the time." (I think we grilled a steak, steamed a veggie).

You can get online and find grocery and restaurant guides (about $25):

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

If you have an iPhone/smartphone you can purchase inexpensive apps, one for groceries, one for eating out.

Here are a couple other resources (one has tips for celiacs and college):

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Plus, many grocery stores have their own gluten free grocery lists, as do an increasing number of food manufacturers (General Mills, Hormel, etc.)

[tarnalberry]

I'd talk to her about what she's finding unsupportive. Different people have different needs. She might want you (particularly at first) to avoid those pizza parties with her, or she might want you to go and not mention the food. (The latter isn't likely, but is what I would want.) So talk to her, find out what would be supportive to her. Though, of course, early in a diagnosis, she may not yet know what sort of support she really needs.

[GlutenFreeManna]

You're so great to want to be understanding. I think everyone has given good advice about what foods to try to cook for her, or where to take her for gluten free restaruant food, but I also think it might help if you planned some dates that did not involve food at all. Show her that you want to spend time with her and that the food thing isn't important. Early on in the diagnosis some people are really sensistive to cross contamination. She may not want to risk eating out or eating something you cook, even if you make sure everything is gluten free. A lot of us were sick so much before figuring out it was gluten making us sick we never want to take any little risk of getting gluten again. Don't take it personally or get offended if she rejects your efforts or if she eats somehtign you made and she's sick the next day. Tell her you want to learn about gluten free food and how to cook for her, but try to be understanding if she tells you she doesn't want you to cook for her. Give her time to get used to this new lifestyle. Over time she may decide to try some restaurants with gluten free menus. If she is really missing pizza you could take her to Mellow Mushroom. Some of the Mellow Mushroom restaurants have gluten free pizza. Be sure to call them or check the website before going because not all of them have the gluten-free crust, but I know at least a couple in the Atlanta area have gluten-free pizza now.

I think it would be great if you took her to a celiac support group meeting. I can't think of a reason why she wouldn't want you to stay, but you can always just ask her if it's okay for you to go to a meeting with her.

[Piccolo]

Tpayn,

Welcome, I am also metro Atlanta. The Atlanta Metro Celiacs is having a Thanksgiving dinner in a few weeks. It will be held at Outback in Roswell. It was great last year as I could eat everything and for once not worry about it. That is also a good support group. After this the next meeting should be in January.

You are a great guy to support your girl friend.

Susan

[Rowena]

Tpayne10- I ain't a celiac, but rather a gluten intolerant, but very recently diagnosed (I started dieting on Oct. 1). Like many of the above have said, newly diagnosed celiacs/gluten intolerants, are really scared about this diagnosis. Hell, I am. Its a completely new way of living that is far from what we are used to. And since before diagnosis, a great many of us have been sick so long, we are even more afraid to do anything wrong.

I think that really, if I were your girl, I would want you to be supportive of me. I'd ask that you try and not tempt me with anything that you know I loved before being diagnosed, by eating it in front of me. I'd ask you to always be with me when going places I know aren't safe. I would usually eat before hand, and if I were her I'd appreciate it if you ate with me. But most importantly, I'd want you to ask me how you can support me. She knows what she needs. But she may not always recognize that she needs your support too, so if you just ask, "Honey, what can I do for you today? Do you want me to cook for you. Or would you rather cook. Can I wash the dishes?" Make it a learning experience for both of you. "Honey, teach me the best way to cook for you. Teach me what soap I need to buy so that our dishes are safe. Teach me some of your tricks..." And I think you need to do some things unrelated to food. Diagnosis is hard on us at first. You need to make sure she has some fun things to do. Like maybe, if she likes crafts take her to one of those "Made by you" shops where she can make her own pottery. Or take her to a dance club. Or something like that. Of course, you should ask her first because, maybe she'll want to do something else.

PS thanks for starting this thread, I think I may show it to my husband, so he too can get some ideas.

[McMoody]

What I tend to do is that I never eat any bread or gluten goods around my boyfriend. Specifically bread (because that's what he craves). Also, I tend to do a lot of cooking for him and we don't really go out UNLESS we know he can eat something in that restaurant. My bf, he doesn't like to "inflict" his dietary restrictions on others and he'll look at me and the bread basket and offer me some...but, I always tell him no. It seems like a lot of people who don't have gluten intolerance or allergies don't have any sensitivities towards people who do, they seem to brush it off. I took it very seriously from day one and never insisted that he try a dish that had gluten in it or ate bread in front of him...I think it's my nature (I'm the only one outside of his immediate family that ever took Celiac disease seriously). Point of the matter is, people who can't have certain foods always feel left out. Food is comfort, it's social, it's cultural, and it's personal to a lot of people. And if we connect over a good meal, even conversations and events are best remembered. (I used to enjoy cooking and eating before I met him so, I think that helped with being so cautious). Surprisingly, after years of neglect of a gluten free diet, my boyfriend has finally listened and is sticking to it.

[domesticactivist]

It seems to me that you are doing the right thing by deciding to be gluten free around her for now. I think the support group is a great idea, too. Whether you stay there or not is really up to her and up to what kind of group it is. If it is for Celiacs only then you'll need to leave, but it's more likely that friends and loved ones are welcome. It might be really good for you to find a supportive community as well.

It seems like you are worried about talking with your girlfriend about this stuff. You can get all the advice in the world from people here, but we're not her - if you talk with her and, more importantly, listen to her without trying to jump in and fix things for her right away, you will be able to build your relationship and make the choices that are right for you.

If she's saying she feels unsupported, it's possible you are doing something unsupportive... it's also possible that she's just going through a hard time due to the new diagnosis and not really treating you fairly. That's just something to think about, not something to attack her with. If that's the case, is it a pattern, or is it just a hard time that you will be able to get through? Maybe she needs some temporary extra emotional support - someone to talk to or cry with or research with - more than she needs your kitchen to be perfectly gluten free, or for you never to have a slice of pizza again.

If you can genuinely ask her what she needs from you right now, and she can answer, that will give you guys a good chance at working this out.

[Marlie]

I know this post is a little old however I can tell you there are some places you can go in Atlanta to eat Gluten Free. My husband and daughter recently went to Blue Moon Pizza in Cobb County and they prepare Gluten Free Pizzas in a separate area than the Gluten Free Pizzas. My daughter is highly sensitive to cross contamination and had no problem. An added bonus was the pizza was fabulous, the best Gluten Free Pizza she's had yet. (Admittedly we've only been doing this a short while.) Another place to try is Tara Hamata (sp?) in Alpharetta they are really good. They seem to be very accommodating and so far my daughter has had no problems. I assure you there are great places to eat with Celiac in Atlanta. There is also a Gluten Free Bakery in Sandy Springs. I haven't tried it yet personally.