Is This An Odd Comment Or Not?

[floridanative]

I know I can be overlysensitive at times and I feel that I'm doing so about this comment but I keep wondering why my friend said it. It really didn't make much sense to me. My parents got back from a cruise recently and the ship Chef fed my Celiac Moher fine except he kept insisted she could eat barley soup - of course each time it was offered she declined and explained that she in fact, could not eat barley... Well anyway, the funniest thing about my parents trip was this. Before the cruise the group of 10 friends stayed in Rome for three nights. They ate dinner at the SAME place all three nights. To say they were unadventurous is an understatement to say the least. I started laughing when telling a friend this yesterday and then she said my Mother's friends probably didn't want to deal with her diet restrictions and since the place they went the first night did a great job, they just figured it was easier to go back. Well first off, several of these 'friends' are not that nice in the first place so that would not be it. They would not go back to a place three times for my Mother - period. They just liked the place and like I said are terribly unadventurous.

I was so shocked at my friends comment. I tried not to raise my voice when I told her that my Mother having to show her gluten-free dining card to the staff would not bother these people because they eat out with her in the US weekly (where it's way more strange to the staff than in Italy). Has anyone else heard anything similar? I should note that this friend and I do not dine out together often at all and certainly have not done so since my dx. So she has no idea what it would be like to go out to eat with someone who has to eat gluten free. Am I just whining for no reason or was this an odd thing to say?

[Ursa Major]

All I read in this comment was, that she thought that since your mother was fine the first time, it was safe to go back there, rather than risk her getting sick somewhere else.

Of course, YOU know that wasn't the cause of them eating three nights at the same place, but your friend doesn't.

I do think her comment also indicates that she would possibly be somewhat embarrassed to go out with you if you make a big 'fuss' about having to eat gluten free. Which is unfortunately something we have to put up with, since others have no idea how truly awful we feel if glutened, and that it IS a big deal.

I wouldn't read too much into what she said. You know, if I'd count the times I 'put my foot into my mouth', I'd be counting forever.

[floridanative]

I do think her comment also indicates that she would possibly be somewhat embarrassed to go out with you if you make a big 'fuss' about having to eat gluten free. Which is unfortunately something we have to put up with, since others have no idea how truly awful we feel if glutened, and that it IS a big deal.

That's exactly what I was thinking Ursula. Guess it's a good thing that this friendship does not revolve around food. We did used to do the afternoon tea at the Four Seasons probably twice a year but that was all. So since I can't do 'tea' with her anymore as the food is nothing but gluten, I won't be embarrassing her when dining out.

[jerseyangel]

Yes, I think Ursula has a point, and to go a step further, I think it's just the first thing that popped into her mind, given her attitude about eating out gluten-free. Believe me Tiffany, I am very sensitive, and would have also wondered what was up after I thought about it a while. I also want to note that my parents *always* go to the same restaurants--they find one they like, get to know the folks there and that's "their place". They are even like that on vacation, and they have no special dietary restrictions--it's just how they are. Maybe it's the age--less adventure so no surprises ?

[floridanative]

Maybe it's the age--less adventure so no surprises ?

You are so right!!! That's so funny to me. I hope I'm not like that when I'm older. I think that's a boring way to live. But I do stick to ordering the same thing in places when eating out - even before going gluten-free - so I'm boring in my own way I guess - lol!

[Soo B]

I wouldn't be too offended. Most people just don't get it. It sounds to me like she was just making conversation and trying to be insightful. :-)

[eKatherine]

On the one hand, I think she was projecting her personal feelings about dietary restrictions. On the other hand, I am one of the most adventurous eaters around, but if I find a restaurant with a menu I like in a strange town or foreign country, I see no reason not to return over and over again to sample lots of different items on the menu. I don't see that as being boring or uncreative at all. You find the motherlode and you start mining it.

[CarlaB]

At least she takes your dietary restrictions seriously. Often we are complaining about the opposite problem here.

[floridanative]

Thanks to all for making such good points. This friend was told to do certain things to stay healtly which did involve food guidelines that she did not do so well with, so she developed a major health issue that the Dr. told her could be avoided if she'd stick to the plan....I didn't think about that until reading all your thoughful posts. Yes I'd agree she is one person who does not do well with any type dietary restrictions for herself and maybe that I'm so adamant that I'm going to do everything in my power to avoid gluten, makes it worse for her - thinking she did not choose her health over food. Of everyone in my life, she is one of the most supportive people - except with my Celiac dx. It really does make sense to me but it is upsetting since if I had to pick people that may have issues with supporting me on my diet, she would be the last person on earth I'd think of. My own family would have come before her. Thanks again everyone. As usual, this board is better than therapy and cheaper too!

[zip2play]

I have a tendancy, the few times I do eat out, to eat at the same place over and over! Boring, but safe!

It is a tough thing for people to understand, HECK the majority of US Doctors don't even get it!

Monica

[kbtoyssni]

I don't think she meant anything bad by it. She could have meant that your mother's friends were looking out for her and trying to help out by getting food at a known "safe" place. It probably just came out wrong.

I have a friend who refers to my celiac disease as my "little problem". All the time, in front of other people. It drives me nuts because I most certainly don't have a problem, and I'm not ashamed to talk about my celiac disease, but I let it go because I know she's trying to be nice and politically correct about it. It's more of her problem in not knowing how to handle it rather than her trying to be mean or being unsupportive. A lot of non-celiacs don't know how to bring it up without offending. Another example is that I have many friends who spend hours apologizing that I can't eat their food. And I just don't care. I have fully accepted that I have to bring my own food and don't mind when others eat gluten in front of me. But to them it's a very new concept and they can't imagine having to cut out so much stuff that they just feel badly for me. There's no way they can know just how happy I am to have gotten diagnosed and to be living life again that I don't care that I can't eat gluten. It's one of those things that it's very hard to understand until you've been in that situation.

So, my point it, I don't think your friend meant to offend you.

[floridanative]

So, my point it, I don't think your friend meant to offend you.

You make a good point and I find that many people think food is so important (they live to eat, instead of eating to live) that they can't imagine being on a gluten free diet. Heck I've been trying to lose that 'last five pounds' for 10 tears or so and if I knew before a gluten free diet would do the trick (getting rid of imflamed belly) then I would have gone gluten free years ago - lol! It really does bother others in my life so much more than it does me and I'm trying to just ignore their dumb remarks and know they don't mean anything hurtful by them. I thought all I had to do was learn what was and was not gluten free and I'd be good to go but now I find there is a whole other aspect to this I would never have thought of. Dealing with how others around me act/feel about my diet is tougher than I would have ever thought it would be. At least this board is here and there's nothing I've had to deal with that others have not faced before me. As always I appreciate everyone's input on this subject and I feel silly even giving into negative thoughts about the situation.

[kbtoyssni]

And most people think of going on a gluten-free diet in terms of what they'd miss out on. For someone who doesn't have celiac, it's a lot of negatives and no positives. Which is probably why it's so hard to understand. They sit there and watch me talk to the manager, get out a card of what I can and cannot eat, send my meal back when it gets screwed up and try to explain to confused waiters why they have to make me a new meal. I'm sure it looks like it's the hardest thing to deal with. But it's just what I do. I have no other option so I don't think of it as a negative. They do have another option so for them it would be a hardship.

[eKatherine]

You make a good point and I find that many people think food is so important (they live to eat, instead of eating to live) that they can't imagine being on a gluten free diet.

I object! I still live to eat, it's just not gluten products I'm enjoying. There's so much else to eat, but most people eat such a narrow diet that there'd be few of their regular foods left if they had no choice but to change.

The myth is that we are Americans, we are bold and brave, adventurous and sophisticated. The reality is that most people eat the same foods over and over again, and are somewhere between highly uncomfortable and downright panicked at the thought of finding new foods to replace them.

[floridanative]

Point taken eKatherine - and know that I do love to eat too. But I guess I know others who let's say maybe eat to stuff their feelings down and there is no way they could imagine not ever having a Krispy Kreme doughnut again - lol! The classic 'when food is love' types. For those people I do think a gluten free diet seems liks a death sentence. As someone with no kids, travel and eating out are a major part of our lives so this new gluten free chapter of our lives is quite challenging to say the least. Like you I'm always explaining what has to happen so I can eat safely and tonight I'll be going to a new place (not new, just new since dx) and I'm sure I'll get plenty of 'whaaaaa' type looks from the manager and server. They are a local chain so I'm taking my own dressing and getting a salad and baked potato. In any case, maybe my efforts to inform the staff about gluten will help another person eat there safely in the future.

Also, what you said about Americans and their diet is so true. I myself thought myself a gourmet diner and I really was but I never tried so many things that I've opened up to now that I'm gluten free. Many delicious and more healthly things that I used to eat - and most everyone I know called me a health nut prior to my dx. That's because I rarely ate fast food, ate lots of fresh veggies and fruit and rarely ate red meat. So they thought I was totally wierd then and now this gluten free thing really baffles them - lol! Now off to find my shoes so I'll be ready to leave when hubby gets home from work.

[gfp]

Of everyone in my life, she is one of the most supportive people - except with my Celiac dx. It really does make sense to me but it is upsetting since if I had to pick people that may have issues with supporting me on my diet, she would be the last person on earth I'd think of. My own family would have come before her. Thanks again everyone. As usual, this board is better than therapy and cheaper too!

Yes, it seems weird but I had similar problems with my best friend. He wass tremendously supportive in many things, including saying how guilty he was when I went for councelling during my divorce ... he simply felt he should have been there for me ... but the gluten thing took him ages and lots of insensitive comments.

Often those who have known us pre-diagnosis can be the least accepting. Lots of reasons why but I think perhaps primarily they think we were OK before when eating gluten so it can't be so bad.. I think they tend to think we are cutting off our own nose to spite our face.

I think largely the problem is the symptoms; on the one hand the D and on the other brain-fog. We usually don't discuss intimite details of our poop even with best friends ... and brain-fog for me makes me very non-communitive anyway so we probably tended to make lots of excuses ...

Put it this way, I know for a fact my mother loves me very much ... but she NEVER accepted my celiac disease (OK not diagnosed at the time) until she ws diagnosed and then it took her 6 months to accept that!

I remember a Christmas a few years ago, I had a migrane from hell, my guts were exploding every 1/2 hour and my mother accused me of "trying to get attention". Every time I went home I was sick... and she wouldn't accept it was the gluten until I tricked her into being tested.

(long story but she was at her wits end and her Dr even more so accusing her of hypochandria so when he got tot he point of running random tests I managed to suggest a IgA and IgG and both were massively positive and noone was more suprosed than her GP.