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The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

TriticusToxicum

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flourgirl Apprentice
flourgirl
Posted

A Stinky Story (actually pretty gross)

DO YOU PASS GAS IN BED?

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS..

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF phARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR. SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS OF THE TURKEY - GIZZARD AND LIVER. A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE GIZZARD AND LIVER UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP, AND GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND PUT THEM INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP phARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'

'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF IT BACK IN.'

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nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted
:blink:

Like this?

Open Original Shared Link

:ph34r:

Um....yes :huh:

Be veerrry careful with hypnosis.....there may very well be subliminal messages after all! Yeah, I understand Rippelers fascination with hypnosis! I took a bunch of psychology courses in college. I loved them all and was quite obsessed with finding out what makes people tick....including myself. I played around with self-hypnosis :o and would NeVeR recommend that anyone do that. Could be quite dangerous.....hmmmm...maybe that's what happened.

Well, how fascinating!!...(I am also very interested in psychology)

Here's a funny.

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each order a pint of Guinness. By some chance, a little fly lands in each of their drinks. So the Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and asks for another. The Scotsman simply flicks the fly away and gives the Englishman a look.

The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass, and yells "Spit it out, you bastard!!!"

Hee!... to be sure!

GADS!!!!!!!!!!! <slightly serious moment>

I dunno WHAT is going on wiv Tel but he is COVERED in hives on his back and torso :unsure: , loads of swelling too, he's in quite a bit of pain :( (was awake most of the night )

Quite alarming as he never had owt like this before :blink:

...might browse Ebay....see if I can pick him up a new immune system (ERROR on his existing!!! :rolleyes:)

nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted
'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF IT BACK IN.'

OMG!!!!!!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

Darn210 Enthusiast
Darn210
Posted
Nikerler! Paul McKenna is quite well-known 'round this house.....Jack and I sat through two of his specials that were on TV a few months ago.

For whatever the reason, The Ripper was immediately fascinated by everything this bloke was saying and doing (and needs to lose NO weight - - being a growing kid, he needs to gain). He was captivated by McKenna's self-hypnosic approaches (picturing worms in the peanut butter), and insisted one night that we all keep our eyes closed throughout our entire dinner. Sure enough, I only ate two-thirds of me plate (likely because I couldn't find half of the food)..... . .. :lol:

Hmmmmm . . . How can you eat 2/3 if you only found 1/2? . . . please don't help Sophie wif her MathS anymore, I'm askeerd she won't pass.

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
:blink:

Like this?

Open Original Shared Link

:ph34r:

:o:o:o:o

:ph34r::ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Nik! This sounds worrying about Tel. . . . .. :unsure: Should he perhaps have it looked at?

St. David's Day! For whatever the reason, My dad seems to know a fair amount about this curious holiday.....during my visit to the hospital this aft he was telling me that on this day, Welshmen traditionally wear either a daffodil or a leek in their breast pockets. :huh:

Hmmmmm . . . How can you eat 2/3 if you only found 1/2? . . . please don't help Sophie wif her MathS anymore, I'm askeerd she won't pass.

Gah. :rolleyes: Hmmmm.. ..... . Let's see... . . . ....it looked like there was 1/2 left on me plate (such a surprise, and all), but there was really only 1/3.. . .?

:lol:

Sophie got 82% on her math test last week... :)

I helped her very little, as one may guess. . ..

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted

Alright. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. This is difficult to prove, since NONE of us has offered up substantiating evidence, but I'm gonna declare that my knee bruise trumps all y'alls banged-up-body-parts bruises. The coloring is quite dramatic... :ph34r:

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jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
St. David's Day! For whatever the reason, My dad seems to know a fair amount about this curious holiday.....during my visit to the hospital this aft he was telling me that on this day, Welshmen traditionally wear either a daffodil or a leek in their breast pockets. :huh:

Look quick and this looks like they take a leak in their breast pockets :lol:

Alright. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. This is difficult to prove, since NONE of us has offered up substantiating evidence, but I'm gonna declare that my knee bruise trumps all y'alls banged-up-body-parts bruises. The coloring is quite dramatic... :ph34r:

Think ya can finagle yerselph into a pretzel enough to shoot a picture? This sounds interesting. :P

So, Mark just left.......I know I must sound like the biggest ninny ever...... :ph34r:

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted

Jeesh! Where IS me brain :huh: I meant to comment on Tel's situation. Nik--could it be allergic? Has he used/eaten/been around anything different? Is it itchy or just painful? Shingles can cause those sorts of symptoms--me dad had an outbreak last year and it wasn't confined to just his waist area.

Let us know :)

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
Jeesh! Where IS me brain :huh: I meant to comment on Tel's situation. Nik--could it be allergic? Has he used/eaten/been around anything different? Is it itchy or just painful? Shingles can cause those sorts of symptoms--me dad had an outbreak last year and it wasn't confined to just his waist area.

Let us know :)

Did you attack him during a hypnotic trance?

Patti, honey, you are so far from ninny that it's hardly worth mentioning. Huge changes going on in your life. Child will be expected to act like an adult at all times. Selling a house. Expected to live among Texans. Be strong, woman. And bring an armadillo to get a head start on your garden.

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted

A little Jack-worthy info (from Wiki):

In the United States, the sole resident armadillo is the Nine-banded Armadillo (Dasypus novemcinctus), which is most common in the central southernmost states, particularly Texas.

Most members of the genus Dasypus give birth to four homozygous young (that is, identical quadruplets).

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
Patti, honey, you are so far from ninny that it's hardly worth mentioning. Huge changes going on in your life. Child will be expected to act like an adult at all times. Selling a house. Expected to live among Texans. Be strong, woman. And bring an armadillo to get a head start on your garden.

<sniff> :wub:

A little Jack-worthy info (from Wiki):

In the United States, the sole resident armadillo is the Nine-banded Armadillo (Dasypus novemcinctus), which is most common in the central southernmost states, particularly Texas.

Most members of the genus Dasypus give birth to four homozygous young (that is, identical quadruplets).

Good to know :D

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted
Alright. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. This is difficult to prove, since NONE of us has offered up substantiating evidence, but I'm gonna declare that my knee bruise trumps all y'alls banged-up-body-parts bruises. The coloring is quite dramatic... :ph34r:

GAH! New av, puleeeeze! Who-zit look like?? Barack Obama? Ghandi? :lol:

So, Mark just left.......I know I must sound like the biggest ninny ever...... :ph34r:

Patricia! Now you are beginning to sound like a ninny, calling yerself a ninny! Jess is so right - - you've got a huge helping of life on yer plate.. . I truly admire how you're managing in such a stressful time. :):wub:

I'd just be a big mess.... .. . . :ph34r:

Most members of the genus Dasypus give birth to four homozygous young (that is, identical quadruplets).

:lol: HA! Told Jack this. . . . . .. he wants to know if they then get help from the government, spreads in People Magazine and featured appearances on Dr. Phil. . . . . . ..

nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted
Alright. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. This is difficult to prove, since NONE of us has offered up substantiating evidence, but I'm gonna declare that my knee bruise trumps all y'alls banged-up-body-parts bruises. The coloring is quite dramatic... :ph34r:

GAH! New av, puleeeeze! Who-zit look like?? Barack Obama? Ghandi?

WHO is it????......... what does it mean???? :unsure:

Look quick and this looks like they take a leak in their breast pockets :lol:

Minds in the gutters rule!!! :lol:

So, Mark just left.......I know I must sound like the biggest ninny ever...... :ph34r:

Oh Paddeigh!!!

NOT at all!!!!!......GADS!...I actually think you are taking it all on the chin ;) ...so much emotion and upheaval, but you know - we humans are SO good at adapting!...and I just KNOW Texas is gonna love PadT and hubby :D

Jeesh! Where IS me brain :huh: I meant to comment on Tel's situation. Nik--could it be allergic? Has he used/eaten/been around anything different? Is it itchy or just painful? Shingles can cause those sorts of symptoms--me dad had an outbreak last year and it wasn't confined to just his waist area.

Yeah, painful but no itch :huh: , he's under the weather - summat's amiss :unsure:

Shingles??...does that look like chicken pox, blisters???.....Tel's rash is not blisters....... it's raised and red and HOT! <*smirk*..settle down...not that kind of HOT! :lol: >

He's got a docs appt in the week (for summat else) so he can mention it then

Did you attack him during a hypnotic trance?

:lol::unsure::ph34r:

GAWD!!!!!!!!! .......... I think Al has took up my lost appetite.........that kid does NOT stop eating!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We told him we are going to tie him to the washing line (with a gag) as he costs too much in food bills :lol:

Al just larfed and said 'NO MUM, You're being silly :rolleyes: ' (Um.. yeah, get used to that kiddo :lol: )

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
Al just larfed and said 'NO MUM, You're being silly :rolleyes: '

Hee! Al has his mum all phigured out! :lol:

I phound this, Nik, about shingles. It says a person can feel unwell with it and it explains about the rash, etc. Just fyi.

Open Original Shared Link

At any rate, I'm glad he's going to be seen soon. Poor guy :(

psawyer Proficient
psawyer
Posted

So here's an interesting thing that has been going on over the last week or so at the store. We are just off Toronto's main street, facing North. There is another building behind us, and there is about a foot of space between the two structures. There is a small washroom in the SE corner, with a window. Since the view is of a cinder-block wall a foot away, the glass in the window is ordinary glass so you can enjoy the spectacular view. ;)

Nobody can see in, right? Click here to see the audience yesterday! :o

On some occasions there have been two, but yesterday just the one. First time we've been able to catch it in a photo.

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
So here's an interesting thing that has been going on over the last week or so at the store.

:D Such a cute lil' peeping Pataughmn!!

He would have startled the bejeepers outta me the phirst time :lol:

psawyer Proficient
psawyer
Posted
He would have startled the bejeepers outta me the phirst time :lol:

We had a customer ask to use the facilities on Saturday, so I said, go ahead, it's over there...

Phorgot to warn her. :o

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
We had a customer ask to use the facilities on Saturday, so I said, go ahead, it's over there...

Phorgot to warn her. :o

:lol: :lol: :lol: Good thing she was already near the toitie...

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

POeter! An adorable little visitor at yer bathroom window. . .. ....

Have you any boxed raccoon treats in stock?

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
POeter! An adorable little visitor at yer bathroom window. . .. ....

Have you any boxed raccoon treats in stock?

:huh: Is that for, or of?

flourgirl Apprentice
flourgirl
Posted

Pieterr...how kool! I'll bet they're trying to figger out how to break get in to partake of the buffet inside :lol: Thaks for sharing the pic. They look so cute for something so snarly and dangerous! :P

Em....I love the picture in your Av. What a shot! You must have taken that on your last safari, I'm betting.

Nik...hope Tels rash goes away pronto. Hope it's nuthin serious. :(

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted
Em....I love the picture in your Av. What a shot! You must have taken that on your last safari, I'm betting.

This is the big mural I've just finished for DD's room.....she's got a thang fer zebras, so I told her there's no way in hell we're gonna get up close to one on a Kenyan safari - - this had to suffice..... . .

I have a thing for very tight, hyper-close-up compositions. I've drawn several portraits of old, haggard men's and women's faces, many of which are just an eye and part of a nose. DD finds some of these scary, and was worried that a huge close-up of a zebra head would freak her out when she's trying to get to sleep. We'll see. . . . . ...... :lol:

curlyfries Contributor
curlyfries
Posted
Most members of the genus Dasypus give birth to four homozygous young (that is, identical quadruplets).

......and now my time here at Psillyville has come full circle. :rolleyes: This was my phirst post....

Hi, I've been silently popping in from time to time, but I just had to comment on this one. Try working in a middle school. The eigth-graders recently got done studying the solar system. You're right...and just SAYING Uranus never gets old to them :lol: But it's even worse now. They are studying genetics. With every new chapter, they always have vocabulary words to define and draw. The teacher had to make an exception for sexual and asexual reproduction :ph34r: Now the big HAHA in class is Homozygous :lol:

Lots happening around here. DD and her boyfriend, David have an apartment together. David has been working as a substitute teacher. He obviously won't be able to work over the summer, and the economy the way it is.......it'll be hard for him to find something. David is like family, and in hard times......you take care of your own. So hubby offered to let them live with us to save money. With snow days and holidays, it's been tough going for them, too....so they're going to move in next month.

curlyfries Contributor
curlyfries
Posted

Em!!!!!!.....yer Zebra is absolutely awesome!!!!!!

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