Help! Desperately Seeking Advice And Support!

[tgrand]

Ok, been gluten-free since Oct 18th. Doing great. Husband is totally supportive and we have a total gluten-free house. It's my husband's dad and step mom! We've ALWAYS had problems with her. They just don't listen and are so difficult to communicate with. She's controlling, an alcoholic and directs everything her way. .

Well, we are going to visit them in another state next week. I cannot tell you how much I dread this trip. It's definitely going to be my gluten free low point thus far...Will be there from Sun evening through Friday morning. When we first told them, they assured us they'd do everything to help and support us. Told me - "Send us a list! We'll get whatever you need at the store. If you aren't comfortable eating something you won't hurt our feelings., etc..." While I was unsure (b/c of past issues) I wanted to try to believe they were wanting to help. It's a long story and I won't go into all details, but they changed the menu I sent them. "We don't want to eat tortilla soup!, she says" They changed meal options without even calling me to ask or seek advice on what's safe for me. They just want to serve me potatoes for every meal while I want to eat nutritious yummy food. My body needs it! She was also trying to make me feel guilty and like a burden and just overly demanding. I think they didn't realize it was going to cost so much to get my specialty items or something. We never asked them to buy the stuff! They offered. Now, we are trying to offer to pay for the rest and they won't let us, but making it clear it's inconvenient and a bother. I hate these stupid games. Also, she was starting to question cross contamination today and was making comments about how silly it was that we bought new pots and dishes. She doesn't get the concept of gluten, cross contamination, etc. She has said stupid stuff like, "oh, we always get low pulp orange juice!", like that makes it gluten free!, "the squash casserole only has a few breadcrumbs in it." and so on. I know she doesn't understand and was planning to prepare my own food. Why couldn't they just buy the stinking food and let it be? Why did they ever offer? I feel she was just looking for another opportunity to mess with me.

Please help. Very discouraged....

TGrand

[Guest Happynwgal2]

Ok, been gluten-free since Oct 18th. Doing great. Husband is totally supportive and we have a total gluten-free house. It's my husband's dad and step mom! We've ALWAYS had problems with her. They just don't listen and are so difficult to communicate with. She's controlling, an alcoholic and directs everything her way. .

Well, we are going to visit them in another state next week. I cannot tell you how much I dread this trip. It's definitely going to be my gluten free low point thus far...Will be there from Sun evening through Friday morning. When we first told them, they assured us they'd do everything to help and support us. Told me - "Send us a list! We'll get whatever you need at the store. If you aren't comfortable eating something you won't hurt our feelings., etc..." While I was unsure (b/c of past issues) I wanted to try to believe they were wanting to help. It's a long story and I won't go into all details, but they changed the menu I sent them. "We don't want to eat tortilla soup!, she says" They changed meal options without even calling me to ask or seek advice on what's safe for me. They just want to serve me potatoes for every meal while I want to eat nutritious yummy food. My body needs it! She was also trying to make me feel guilty and like a burden and just overly demanding. I think they didn't realize it was going to cost so much to get my specialty items or something. We never asked them to buy the stuff! They offered. Now, we are trying to offer to pay for the rest and they won't let us, but making it clear it's inconvenient and a bother. I hate these stupid games. Also, she was starting to question cross contamination today and was making comments about how silly it was that we bought new pots and dishes. She doesn't get the concept of gluten, cross contamination, etc. She has said stupid stuff like, "oh, we always get low pulp orange juice!", like that makes it gluten free!, "the squash casserole only has a few breadcrumbs in it." and so on. I know she doesn't understand and was planning to prepare my own food. Why couldn't they just buy the stinking food and let it be? Why did they ever offer? I feel she was just looking for another opportunity to mess with me.

Please help. Very discouraged....

TGrand

Maybe you are expecting too much. Just realize that they DON'T understand, and buy your own food when you get there. For five days you could probably get by on simple foods that would not take too much to prepare. I cannot imagine that your dad and stepmother would refuse you access to the kitchen. Perhaps by seeing how important this is to you, they will be more willing to help next time.

The food for Celiacs is so expensive that I think a lot of people are shocked when they find out. If I were you, I wouldn't take they refusal to buy that kind of expensive food too personally. If they are on a fixed income, it could be a true hardship for them.

It is very difficult for people who don't get as sick from eating as we do to understand and comprehend what Celiac is all about. Many are unable and unwilling to believe how serious this is. This sounds like a perfect opportunity for you to explain how serious Celiac as an auto immune disease is. Tell them about all the illnesses that can develop because your immune system is compromised every time you eat gluten.

My situation is different than yours: all my family members have seen how sick I get when I eat "normal" food, so they are bending over backwards to accommodate both myself, my two daughters and my granddaughter. For Thanksgiving, my oldest daughter and I are bringing turkey, desserts and salads - there will be about 20 of us for dinner, and I really don't mind buying the non-gluten foods that the five of us will need. The couple hosting the dinner have also in the past done all they can to help. However, the big difference between my situation and yours may be that my whole family has seen how sick I have been most of my life because of having been an undiagnosed Celiac for over 50 years.

So if your dad and step mom have not seen how sick you get when you eat gluten, that could be part of the problem.

Don't give up, though. Think of how you can use the five days with them to educate them about one of the most under diagnosed serious illnesses around.

I hope you have a very happy holiday!

[tgrand]

Maybe you are expecting too much. Just realize that they DON'T understand, and buy your own food when you get there. For five days you could probably get by on simple foods that would not take too much to prepare. I cannot imagine that your dad and stepmother would refuse you access to the kitchen. Perhaps by seeing how important this is to you, they will be more willing to help next time.

The food for Celiacs is so expensive that I think a lot of people are shocked when they find out. If I were you, I wouldn't take they refusal to buy that kind of expensive food too personally. If they are on a fixed income, it could be a true hardship for them.

It is very difficult for people who don't get as sick from eating as we do to understand and comprehend what Celiac is all about. Many are unable and unwilling to believe how serious this is. This sounds like a perfect opportunity for you to explain how serious Celiac as an auto immune disease is. Tell them about all the illnesses that can develop because your immune system is compromised every time you eat gluten.

My situation is different than yours: all my family members have seen how sick I get when I eat "normal" food, so they are bending over backwards to accommodate both myself, my two daughters and my granddaughter. For Thanksgiving, my oldest daughter and I are bringing turkey, desserts and salads - there will be about 20 of us for dinner, and I really don't mind buying the non-gluten foods that the five of us will need. The couple hosting the dinner have also in the past done all they can to help. However, the big difference between my situation and yours may be that my whole family has seen how sick I have been most of my life because of having been an undiagnosed Celiac for over 50 years.

So if your dad and step mom have not seen how sick you get when you eat gluten, that could be part of the problem.

Don't give up, though. Think of how you can use the five days with them to educate them about one of the most under diagnosed serious illnesses around.

I hope you have a very happy holiday!

Thanks for your post. I appreciate you taking the time!

Yeah, I know gluten-free food is expensive. Believe me. I told them that from the beginning, but they insisted. I offered to pay them for what they have bought and also to buy what remains, but they are making a thing of it. Our plan all along was to just buy and prepare our own food. They've just made it bigger than it has to be which is nothing new in regard to our usual disputes.

Good point about them not seeing me get sick and how that impacts their perspective. They live in another state and we only see them a couple times a year. They know I have been sick, but it's not the I'm puking my guts out, near death stuff that really communicates and is clearly visible, ya know? I have been extremely fatigued, had joint pain and stiffness, pleurisy, mouth sores, purpura, and also have Osteopenia and Sjogren's syndrome. These are mostly unseen (not physically detectable) symptoms. So, I guess that makes it hard for people to get....

[plantime]

You'll get the most understanding and cooperation from people that have to restrict what they eat. If your family doesn't have food issues, they just won't completely understand. The good ones do their best, the worst ones don't even try.

Just buy your own food for that week. Keep your meals simple, and try to relax.

[darlindeb25]

Tgrand, sometimes you may find that family may never understand. My sister was telling me that her momther in law still doesn't understand. She will say to her, "You can't have potatoes, right?" My sister has been gluten free for 7 years and her mother in law still doesn't get it. Then she will say, "Oh yeah, it's rice you can't have" and my brother in law will laugh and say, "don't worry mom, it's ok, Judy knows better than to trust you with her food!" and his mom will just laugh. She isn't offended because she just can't remember and some people can't. It just does not register in their minds. A man at work, after 3 years, still will offer me a cookie and when I say, "Julian, I can't have that!", he will say, "But it doesn't have wheat in it!" He still can not grasp the fact that flour is made from wheat and that cookies have flour in them!

My own mother, who by the way has another daughter who is celiac and a husband, can not understand the fact that I have additional intolerance. They don't, so therefore I can't either, in her mind. She thinks I'm nuts when I say I can't have nightshades.

So, sometimes, others never understand. Sometimes they do.

[kbtoyssni]

It sounds like there's not much you can do to change your MIL. Seems like she's very set in her ways so it's up to you and your husband to keep you safe, unfortunately. For someone that self-centered, it can't see her being able to step outside that and think of you and your feelings instead of herself. And something as ingrained as good healthy wheat-based food, it would take a lot of compassion to understand that you can't eat it anymore.

[kbtoyssni]

She will say to her, "You can't have potatoes, right?"

Heehee, this reminds me of my first day of work. They took me to eat in the work cafeteria. I asked the chef what seasonings were on the potatoes because I couldn't eat gluten, and she told me that the seasonings were gluten-free but that potatoes had lots of gluten so maybe I shouldn't eat them.

[miles2go]

Lol, what's a Thanksgiving without a good dysfunctional family dialectic, anyway? I'm doing a gluten-free turkey pie, squash and some other sides for my parents on T-Day and then on Saturday, the whole family is showing up for the full-fledged meal.

I've been appointed the Gluten-free pumpkin pie and the Gluten-free pie crust for the pecan pie, but I've had an email in to the folks for a while now about the stuffing for the turkey, or should I just bring my own Cornish hen? I'm the only one that's eating Gluten-free, although there are a couple of other family members who should be! So, maybe I'll just be having pie, sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving, heh, I'll bring my own bird, stuffing and gravy. Don't let them get you down, TGrand! Gluten-free food doesn't have to be more expensive and pots and pans are useful for other things than cooking, if you know what I mean...

j/k

Margaret

[debmidge]

Very sorry to sound negative, and I don't mean this in a "mean way" but if you're looking for advice, I'll tell you to stay home rather than deal with an issue that seems to be your "cross to bear" for your entire married life. It doesn't sound like they are feeble - sounds like there's no respect (esp. since you offered to pay the price of the gluten-free food).

My husband has celiac & his family cannot remember all the rules and issues and we live 20 minutes away and we do not have meals with them due to this. It's just too much trouble and gets into arguments with SIL and MIL gets mixed up. I've been married 28 years so I have experience with hard - headed in laws. This is one case where you can't say: If you can't beat them, join them.

Maybe if you stay home, they'll be more serious about your celiac needs next time.

[num1habsfan]

Yeah, I would bring my own. When we went on holidays for 4 days this summer it's what I did. Some of my family IS understanding but I learned not to trust them. I always bring myself some back up, at the least bread, and at that point then we went grocery shopping and I bought a few thigns I could have (like sandwich meats, etc). It's much better than going there and ending up with nothing or something that could harm you.

~ Lisa ~

[bakingbarb]

Very sorry to sound negative, and I don't mean this in a "mean way" but if you're looking for advice, I'll tell you to stay home rather than deal with an issue that seems to be your "cross to bear" for your entire married life. It doesn't sound like they are feeble - sounds like there's no respect (esp. since you offered to pay the price of the gluten-free food).

My husband has celiac & his family cannot remember all the rules and issues and we live 20 minutes away and we do not have meals with them due to this. It's just too much trouble and gets into arguments with SIL and MIL gets mixed up. I've been married 28 years so I have experience with hard - headed in laws. This is one case where you can't say: If you can't beat them, join them.

Maybe if you stay home, they'll be more serious about your celiac needs next time.

I don't think you sound negative, I think you sound REAL. Some people just don't get the Celiac thing and then some people are mean. If you think she is messing with you, go with your instinct because maybe she is. People don't want to believe that others can be that mean but they can be. People that are mean like that also try to make it your fault somehow.

If you feel you can't stay home then do like has been suggested and take as much of your own food or go buy your own when you get there. If you are comfortable at all with going into the kitchen get in there before they get in there and make something you can eat. For me that would be scrambled eggs, cheese and a corn tortilla. It can get boring but I know I can eat it and it is safe for me plus it keeps my strength up.

Best wishes for you, I know it seems harder when it is family - the people that are supposed to care.

[Mom23boys]

Very sorry to sound negative, and I don't mean this in a "mean way" but if you're looking for advice, I'll tell you to stay home rather than deal with an issue that seems to be your "cross to bear" for your entire married life. It doesn't sound like they are feeble - sounds like there's no respect (esp. since you offered to pay the price of the gluten-free food). .

That is pretty much what our Counselor told us about our food issues with the ILs.

[Mom23boys]

She has said stupid stuff like, "oh, we always get low pulp orange juice!", like that makes it gluten free!, "the squash casserole only has a few breadcrumbs in it." and so on.

I gotta laugh -- I have heard so many things like this. It really makes you wonder about people and how they lived to be as old as they are!!!!!

"Its not made out of wheat, its made out of flour"

"It doesn't have any milk in it at all" (as it is dripping with cheese)

"But I peal the shrimp before I make that dish" (referring to shellfish allergy as if removing the shells will purify it)