Excuses Excuses

[Sunshinez06]

As we come upon the holiday season, I'm finding myself frustrated with my boyfriend and his family....

We've been together for about two years now and as we come upon Thanksgiving and Christmas, he has plans to go over to his parents for both holidays. He's made it clear to me that I'm NOT invited, but blames it on the fact that his mother is scared of handling my gluten-free situation. I'm 90% sure that is just an excuse to not invite me (He's over at his parents at least 1 day a week and I'm never invited) - but its really frustrating.

Has anyone else had this issue where Celiac is used as an excuse to not invite you to something?

It doesn't help that my last boyfriend had a younger sister who also had Celiac, so his parents were super supportive and had me over for dinner all the time.

[strawberrygm]

This may sound harsh, and I apologize in advance.

In my opinion, you need to move on. If he isnt willing to support you with his family, then he doesnt deserve you. You deserve better.

I am sorry if I offended you, because I certainly do not mean to hurt you. But I am sure you are hurting already, and his lack of caring is the cause. Celiac, diabetic, broken leg, any thing....your friends and loved ones should be there as your support system, not leave you out.

He doesnt deserve you and you deserve better.

[SGWhiskers]

I'm making my own mini turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. I'll put it in a disposable pan in her oven with my utensils and a sealed big tupperware to keep them in during the cooking process. I would make the offer of preparing your own food in advance or at the family's house. If boyfriend and mother are not thrilled that the problem is solved, then I would assume there is more to the story.

I hope the self cooking idea is all that is needed for a happy holiday. And yes, I agree with strawberrygm

[Hummingbird4]

I would feel very hurt if my significant other left me out of family get-togethers. It's one thing if YOU decided you don't want to go over there and opted to stay home. But to be blatantly not invited for a holiday gathering, that's just plain rude. Do you get along with his family in general? I know that I am finding myself avoiding some social situations because I don't want to deal with the food thing. It's hard. If my husband wasn't so supportive, I think I would feel very alone. You deserve some support.

[ShayFL]

I see RED FLAGS all over your post. I agree. You deserve better. 2 years is a decent commitment to someone. If you continue I would assume that you would might want children at some point. If your baby has Celiac (it is genetic), think how your child will feel that he/she cannot go over to Grandma's. OR picture how you will feel if your child is allowed over there, but you are not invited. Oh yeah. This sort of thing happens all of the time in families with major issues.

They are unwilling to work with you now. Why not have dinner at your house? Why cant you visit with your BF and just not eat? This wont change once they become in-laws.

I would demand therapy with my BF to resolve this issue or tell him you are moving on. If he loves you, then he would be more than willing to find a way to work this out. He is hurting you. Celiac is no excuse to treat someone like dirt. Celiac is no excuse to not invite someone over. There IS more to this. TRUST ME.

I dated a guy years ago who seemed absolutely smitten with me. He had a chalk board over his desk at his apt. In chalk he wrote "Chris + Sharon" with a big heart around it. He kept it up there for months. But then his Mom visited I wasnt invited to meet her. We had been together for over a year. And the next time I was at his place, the heart was erased. When he graduated from college, he told me I could come, but he was having dinner with his Mom afterwards and I wasnt invited.

Finally, I had had enough. So I flat out called his mother. I introduced myself and she was taken aback. We talked about Chris and this woman worshiped her only son. Chris had asked me to marry him (but I had not answered him), so I asked her if she new. The woman started sobbing. She said. No. No. She wouldnt have it. Here reason: I already had a child and she wanted "her own" Grandkids.

I then invited him over and told him NO I would not marry him. I could never see putting my beautiful innocent child into such a situation. Nope. And confronted him about his Mother. He admitted quite a few things to me then. Like he still slept in her bed with her when he visited. And he was 23!!! And had his own bed/room at her house. Weird. Bye bye. No thank you. See ya!!

Word to the wise......

[debmidge]

I see RED FLAGS all over your post. I agree. You deserve better. 2 years is a decent commitment to someone. If you continue I would assume that you would might want children at some point. If your baby has Celiac (it is genetic), think how your child will feel that he/she cannot go over to Grandma's. OR picture how you will feel if your child is allowed over there, but you are not invited. Oh yeah. This sort of thing happens all of the time in families with major issues.

They are unwilling to work with you now. Why not have dinner at your house? Why cant you visit with your BF and just not eat? This wont change once they become in-laws.

I would demand therapy with my BF to resolve this issue or tell him you are moving on. If he loves you, then he would be more than willing to find a way to work this out. He is hurting you. Celiac is no excuse to treat someone like dirt. Celiac is no excuse to not invite someone over. There IS more to this. TRUST ME.

I dated a guy years ago who seemed absolutely smitten with me. He had a chalk board over his desk at his apt. In chalk he wrote "Chris + Sharon" with a big heart around it. He kept it up there for months. But then his Mom visited I wasnt invited to meet her. We had been together for over a year. And the next time I was at his place, the heart was erased. When he graduated from college, he told me I could come, but he was having dinner with his Mom afterwards and I wasnt invited.

Finally, I had had enough. So I flat out called his mother. I introduced myself and she was taken aback. We talked about Chris and this woman worshiped her only son. Chris had asked me to marry him (but I had not answered him), so I asked her if she new. The woman started sobbing. She said. No. No. She wouldnt have it. Here reason: I already had a child and she wanted "her own" Grandkids.

I then invited him over and told him NO I would not marry him. I could never see putting my beautiful innocent child into such a situation. Nope. And confronted him about his Mother. He admitted quite a few things to me then. Like he still slept in her bed with her when he visited. And he was 23!!! And had his own bed/room at her house. Weird. Bye bye. No thank you. See ya!!

Word to the wise......

omg....

Someone (not you) is going to need years of therapy

[Hummingbird4]

^ Wow, that takes the term "mama's boy" to a whole new level.

[ShayFL]

Basically when he told her all about me and she disapproved he just pretended I didnt exist (to her). I do not know what he was thinking. Like we would get married and never tell her? Weird indeed.

This is my point. What is your BF thinking?

Sometimes we just dont know.....and it is up to you to confront and find out. You are worth it!!

[DarkIvy]

You know, I can certainly understand the fear of making someone who is so sensitive to such a common food ingredient a big Thanksgiving feast. I can understand not wanting to make someone sick on accident, or think something was free of the offending ingredient, but turns out it was hidden somehow. The gluten-free diet is incredibly overwhelming for even a lot of us who deal with it every day, but to someone totally new to it? Scary!

That said, that's NO reason for them not to invite you. Something can be worked out. You can make a couple dishes, and help out with the preparations. You could even just bring some of your own stuff (make a gluten-free pie, prime rib, whatever makes you feel like it's Thanksgiving ) and eat it while they eat their stuff. Lots of us here have done similar stuff at family gatherings before. Celiac is isolating enough without people just not inviting you. That's silly!

Frankly, I've never had this happen to me. My boyfriend's mom isn't always happy with me or my decisions, but I'm always invited and included. When I was first on the gluten-free diet, they were skeptical and unsure of what to do, but they became some of my biggest supporters in this and with time they got comfortable with it and can even cook meals for me. It's a non-issue for them now. So I guess I have to say that I agree with the other folks that this is a huge red flag. It also worries me that you even say you are pretty sure they're just using this as an excuse. Wake up! Trust your own intuition. I have regretted it every time I haven't, and I bet you're absolutely right. You shouldn't have to spend your holidays alone because they don't want you to be there, which it sounds like that's the case. I hate to be harsh, but if they wanted you to be there, they would absolutely find a way. Get out of that relationship. You deserve a boyfriend+family who are understanding and supportive.

It won't get better. Long before I was gluten-free, my boyfriend before that had parents who didn't like me, either. Similar things would happen when they just wouldn't invite me to certain things and I felt pretty excluded. His mom's judgement became his judgement and the situation got pretty bad.

You don't have to get along all the time with your significant other's family, but they should at least try to include you, especially after two years together!!

[SGWhiskers]

I want to amend what I said above. I missed the part where you said you had been together 2 years. I thought you might have been in the first weeks of dating. If this guy isn't inviting you for holiday get togethers, it is NOT about food issues. It's not about family issues either. It is about him issues or couple issues. I would look very seriously at this relationship and this man. My guess is that it is time to move on.

[*lee-lee*]

Has anyone else had this issue where Celiac is used as an excuse to not invite you to something?

i actually use Celiac as my excuse to stay home from such functions! i normally don't look forward to big family gatherings like Thanksgiving just because there are usually so many people involved and it's such a competition to have a conversation without getting interrupted a million times. seems silly but i much prefer a smaller gathering with just my immediate family.

but as others have said, it seems like the problem lies deeper than your diet. you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and find out the real reason you're not invited to family gatherings. if this is his behavior 2 years into dating, what do you see for your future together? i could not imagine spending my life with someone who has such an issue taking me home to his family.

i was in a bad relationship for a few years - the guy basically used me when it was convenient for him and i didn't hear from him if it didn't fit in his schedule. it took a lot of tears and fighting for me to finally realize he wasn't going to change and i was better off without him. i'm now with a wonderful guy and couldn't be happier. i often think back and wonder how i didn't see the blatant writing on the wall sooner...

i'm not saying you need to ditch this guy...but you will benefit from a heartfelt conversation about what's really going on with him.

[purple]

Listen...LISTEN...to all the great advice posted here!

[ravenwoodglass]

I agree with the others that you need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. There has to be a reason why he does not include you. It may be something to do with your relationship or it could have to do more with his family. Could there be something about his family that he is hiding from you? His family may be so dysfunctional that he is afraid if he takes you home that you may get scared away. You need to get to the bottom of this though. If you can't get a good answer then it may be time to part company.

[burkev]

from a male perspective.........and father of three girls.

RUN....RUN....RUN LIKE THE WIND .

NO NEED TO DISCUSS, THINK, DELIBERATE, RE-EVALUATE, FEAR, OR PRAY

YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.....THIS GUYS HAS SHOWN HIS COLORS, PROVEN HIS SHALLOWNESS....THAT IS WHY IT'S CALLING DATING.....NOT MARRIAGE. GET OUT NOW ......AS IN ......RIGHT NOW.

LET'S PRETEND YOU'RE IN HIS SHOES.....PRETTY SLICK DEAL .....HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO !!

AND IF YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER I WOULD ALSO TELL YOU DO NOT GET ALL BLEEDING HEART ON ME BY SUGGESTING THAT MAYBE HIS MOTHER HAS SOME "SPECIAL ISSUES" IE: DRUGS , ALCOHOL ETC. AND THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE WANTS TO SEE HER ALONE BECAUSE HE'D BE TOO EMBARESSED.....NOT!!!!!

IF THAT WERE THE CASE YOU ARE SURELY SMART ENOUGH TO SMELL THAT OUT WITHIN MONTHS OF MEETING HIM ...NOT YEARS. CHILDREN OF AODA PARENTS ARE EASY TO SPOT....I KNOW FIRSTHAND.... I AM ONE.

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF INTO TRYING TO STOP THE PAIN OF A BREAKUP....YOU ARE A WINNER ALREADY IN FACING CELIAC DISEASE....DON'T BUY INTO THE DEVILS OLD LIE THAT YOU "NEED" A BOY FRIEND. YOU ONLY NEED STABILITY TO FACE LIFE EVERYDAY...GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A GREAT PERSONALITY AND THE BACKBONE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT AN INJUSTICE....DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THE BEST.

IN TODAY'S WORLD THERE SO MANY MORE OPPORTUNITES TO MEET PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ....AND EVEN MORE SO TO BE ABLE SCREEN FOR WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. IN CLOSING I WANT TO PASS ALONG A BIT OF WISDOM MY FAVORITE PREACHER TAUGHT ME.......

"DATING IS CONCEALING....MARRIAGE IS REVEALING " CONSIDER IT A BLESSING IN DISGUISE THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO SEE THE

"PREVIEW" OF AN UPCOMING MOVIE....AND YOU CAN STILL BE THE STAR...JUST WITHOUT HIM

ALL THE BEST, GOD BLESS YOU & YOURS

KB

[debmidge]

from a male perspective.........and father of three girls.

RUN....RUN....RUN LIKE THE WIND .

NO NEED TO DISCUSS, THINK, DELIBERATE, RE-EVALUATE, FEAR, OR PRAY

YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.....THIS GUYS HAS SHOWN HIS COLORS, PROVEN HIS SHALLOWNESS....THAT IS WHY IT'S CALLING DATING.....NOT MARRIAGE. GET OUT NOW ......AS IN ......RIGHT NOW.

LET'S PRETEND YOU'RE IN HIS SHOES.....PRETTY SLICK DEAL .....HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO !!

AND IF YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER I WOULD ALSO TELL YOU DO NOT GET ALL BLEEDING HEART ON ME BY SUGGESTING THAT MAYBE HIS MOTHER HAS SOME "SPECIAL ISSUES" IE: DRUGS , ALCOHOL ETC. AND THAT MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE WANTS TO SEE HER ALONE BECAUSE HE'D BE TOO EMBARESSED.....NOT!!!!!

IF THAT WERE THE CASE YOU ARE SURELY SMART ENOUGH TO SMELL THAT OUT WITHIN MONTHS OF MEETING HIM ...NOT YEARS. CHILDREN OF AODA PARENTS ARE EASY TO SPOT....I KNOW FIRSTHAND.... I AM ONE.

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF INTO TRYING TO STOP THE PAIN OF A BREAKUP....YOU ARE A WINNER ALREADY IN FACING CELIAC DISEASE....DON'T BUY INTO THE DEVILS OLD LIE THAT YOU "NEED" A BOY FRIEND. YOU ONLY NEED STABILITY TO FACE LIFE EVERYDAY...GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A GREAT PERSONALITY AND THE BACKBONE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT AN INJUSTICE....DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THE BEST.

IN TODAY'S WORLD THERE SO MANY MORE OPPORTUNITES TO MEET PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ....AND EVEN MORE SO TO BE ABLE SCREEN FOR WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. IN CLOSING I WANT TO PASS ALONG A BIT OF WISDOM MY FAVORITE PREACHER TAUGHT ME.......

"DATING IS CONCEALING....MARRIAGE IS REVEALING " CONSIDER IT A BLESSING IN DISGUISE THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO SEE THE

"PREVIEW" OF AN UPCOMING MOVIE....AND YOU CAN STILL BE THE STAR...JUST WITHOUT HIM

ALL THE BEST, GOD BLESS YOU & YOURS

KB

Wow this is very good advice for everyone who is still dating (with or without celiac disease) it gets to the heart of

it. I guess I can only add don't settle for less.