Family In Denial

[Gobbie]

Hi, I am Gluten intolerant along with several other food allergies & intolerances which have been with me most of my life. The thing with gluten is that its symptoms only became noticebly irritating in recent years and worsened to be described as 'severe' in recent months.

My family who does not have as many food sensitivities as me are in denial about this.

My mum is lactose intolerant like me so we use lacto free milk and it has calmed her stomach problems down and made her accept of of its existence. My sibling seems to have the best metabolism on although there is a sign of reaction to certain foods.

One of the biggest food sensitivity issue with me is intolerance to Gluten, grains and meat.

This has become a major issue with us as my family loves Asian food and meat.

To make matters worse, my parents do not believe in such thing as Food Intolerances.

Despite the information and real life stories I provide them with, they believe it is all in the mind that I make things up or an excuse for weight loss diet.

They want me to eat lots of rice, red meat and gluten products and often I give in as there are times I want a good pastry or fed up of having arguments with them 24/7. Through this, I fall extremely ill but none the less makes them happy. When I tell them or show them that I have fallen ill after consumption of the offender foods, they are 100% convinced it is because I have not consumed much of those products lately.

I have been under no meat diet for about 2 years, somewhat gluten & grain free diet for a year but even to this very day they are in denial. Despite seeing my health improve when on this diet, they still seem to want me to be sick.

Even just now, mum offered heavily seasoned rice mixture with chunks of red meat.

How many times do I need to tell her those make me SICK.

Honestly the next reminder would be around the 1000000th time telling them.

They do not believe anything I say.

Gluten makes me ill every time and I have consumed on them for the past few days and it just made them happy.

I feel so miserable. I know what foods improve my health but they dissaprove of them and argue with me everytime but if I go on their diet system I end up extremely ill every time and I mean every time.

Having food sensitivites is hard enough but why suppose-to-be loved ones make life harder????

I do not expect them to follow the 'free from' diet but at least accept the truth and stop forcing me to consume the offending foods.

x

[Angi McFarland]

Hi there.

I remember when I was still living at home and my family would make me eat things that made me ill and refused to believe that I was allergic to different foods. It took me a long time to finally realize what makes me very ill. You just have to be firm and not give in. 20 years later, my mother tries to make me special foods that are in my diet, (gluten free) but there are many times that she makes a mistake and I am sick for weeks.

Cook your own food to know that it is safe for you to eat. When the rest of the family is ready to be accepting of your special diet, then teach them what you can have. This may take a while, so just be prepared to stay strong. Get more books on the subject, especially the ones that idicate the cancers caused by gluten poisoning!

Maybe you have a mutual family friend that can help your family understand, or a doctor who they trust to confirm your health issues. Good luck, and don't give up.

[tarnalberry]

I am not certain from your post if you're young enough to be living at home *and* dependent upon your mom to cook.

If not, then it doesn't really matter if they believe you or understand you. What goes in your mouth is your choice.

That's a good thing and a bad thing. It means we do have the option to choose to eat things that make us sick. But we have the option to eat only things that support our health. It's all our own responsibility. (I try to remind myself of that occasionally, but not too often, because knowing it's ENTIRELY ONLY YOUR OWN responsibility can be scary as well as good. )

Of course, really being OK with your family thinking you're off your rocker and having real confidence in your decisions can take some practice! They're your family, after all - they've been judging and evaluating your decisions (for better or worse) all your life! But it can be done.

[daphniela]

Are you allergic to all meats or just certain ones?

I am thinking (I could be wrong) that your parents are from another country and in whatever country they are from, food allergies are not tested for or common. I am the first in my family to be diagnosed with Celiac. I believe there are lots of us and I urge my family to be tested and get ignored.

Cook your own food and whenever you are able move in with another vegetarian or celiac.

[Gobbie]

Thank you all really for support and replies..

Reading through them actually brought tears to my eyes.

This lone battle is only getting tougher with lack of family support.

I am so gland that I have discovered this forum and the fact that 'strangers' but fellow sufferers are more understanding and supportive.

I am old enough to live an independant life but my parents have been brought up in a cultural heritage that has hard time coming to terms with single (unmarried) girls living alone. I have been cooking for myself for about a year now but whenever they spot me in the kitchen, cooking up my own energy source they always form arguments and try their best to put offender food. I love my family but this and other things are making it hard for me to stay that way. I have been persuading to live independtly for 3 years now.....but nothing seems to work.

My mum's side of family has a history of weak digestive system and I am pretty sure they have some kind of food intolerances and allergies although the coutnries they live in do not offer proper testing services.

I am intolerant to meat and yes, I am also the first one in the entire family tree to have various food intolerances and allergies with noticeable symptoms. Plus the first one to take it all into action.

[lizajane]

Thank you all really for support and replies..

Reading through them actually brought tears to my eyes.

This lone battle is only getting tougher with lack of family support.

I am so gland that I have discovered this forum and the fact that 'strangers' but fellow sufferers are more understanding and supportive.

I am old enough to live an independant life but my parents have been brought up in a cultural heritage that has hard time coming to terms with single (unmarried) girls living alone. I have been cooking for myself for about a year now but whenever they spot me in the kitchen, cooking up my own energy source they always form arguments and try their best to put offender food. I love my family but this and other things are making it hard for me to stay that way. I have been persuading to live independtly for 3 years now.....but nothing seems to work.

My mum's side of family has a history of weak digestive system and I am pretty sure they have some kind of food intolerances and allergies although the coutnries they live in do not offer proper testing services.

I am intolerant to meat and yes, I am also the first one in the entire family tree to have various food intolerances and allergies with noticeable symptoms. Plus the first one to take it all into action.

can you see an allergist to have a panel done to see what appears? would paperwork from a doctor assist them in understanding your illness?

i am sorry you going through this. my family is very supportive- my husband and young children AND my parents, sister, brother, etc. with whom i spend vacation and special events. i am the mom in my house, but it is still important to have their encouragement!

[ang1e0251]

I have to say I'm vey tired of the old argument "these foods made you sick today because you haven't been eating them". You know I only eat pumpkin in the fall, but it has never made me sick. I only eat strawberries in warm weather but they've never made me sick. That comment is made over and over by people with no problems with food because they don't understand "sick". I would ask them if they have ever had the flu or a bad hangover. Yes? Let them tell you how sick they felt, maybe they even felt near death. THen ask how they would like to feel that way every day? Would they like to feel that way every time their loved one asked them to eat food that they reacted to?

[heatherjane]

My family and friends have been supportive of me since diagnosed in January, but I think it's hard for them to grasp just how strict I have to be. Although they understand that I do have a real illness, sometimes I get the impression that they think all of this is really just in my head.

[heathen]

since things like Celiac Disease and food intolerances tend to run in families, they may not want to hear what you have to say because they know it means that they will have to change their lifestyles if they accept it. Not everyone is strong enough or even willing to do what it takes to keep themselves healthy--hence we have the obesity and diabetes epidemics in Western countries. Your family may not be there yet. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy, help them to understand why you take the stands that you take, and let them see how well you are doing and how good you feel--but don't beat your head into a brick wall. I bet you they will eventually come around. Good luck.

[Gobbie]

I have to say I'm vey tired of the old argument "these foods made you sick today because you haven't been eating them". You know I only eat pumpkin in the fall, but it has never made me sick. I only eat strawberries in warm weather but they've never made me sick. That comment is made over and over by people with no problems with food because they don't understand "sick". I would ask them if they have ever had the flu or a bad hangover. Yes? Let them tell you how sick they felt, maybe they even felt near death. THen ask how they would like to feel that way every day? Would they like to feel that way every time their loved one asked them to eat food that they reacted to?

Thank you so much for your words.

You have no idea (or maybe you do) how I am not alone in thinking this...

Thank you so so much...

After all those months, they still tell me it's my fault for low consumption of my allergens but since my post, I sacrificed my life to prove them wrong but none the less they are convinced with their unproven theory.

Thank you so much for your words again.

My food menu might be repeated and simple compared to theirs, but it is my guide to survival whether they know it or not.

[Gobbie]

My family and friends have been supportive of me since diagnosed in January, but I think it's hard for them to grasp just how strict I have to be. Although they understand that I do have a real illness, sometimes I get the impression that they think all of this is really just in my head.

I can't agree with you more.

Few friends and relatives seemed to accept the truth but every now and then I can tell that they are testing me. They try to push on with few allergies. Despite how I emphasise the seriousness and all, they say ok to calm me down but soon like you said, they treat it as if I am the big fat liar...

[chasbari]

I think I can understand your dilemma a little bit. Even though you already know how much better you feel it is still your family and I think we have a deep need to want to be understood by them, to be accepted by them and to make them happy, proud, of us and to not disrespect them in any way. Food is such a culturally strong part of the family fabric for many. There are sometimes the implications that by rejecting their attempts to nurture you with food that you are somehow being rebellious. You sound nothing of the sort as you have given in to their pressure (well intended but potentially disastrous) to perhaps prove you are still a worthy family member. Well, you are even if you turn down their food. Thing is, how to turn down the food without rejecting the perceived gift or nurturing gesture. I don't think I have any solutions other than to look at it this way and to at the same time you refuse the food, thank the gesture or intent. See if this doesn't open the door, eventually anyway, to further discussion. Stand your ground for your personal well being and here's hoping they will begin to understand little by little. You might, in a respectful way, point out that you do feel their sense of family and honor as you stay at home instead of removing yourself from the family to escape the food issue. Build strength for your argument based on the positives that motivate you to fight through this and best of luck. I think it is quite possible that they do see that you are healthier when you follow your "new" rules and it may very well be a threat to their own sense of comfort.

CS

[Korwyn]

Thank you all really for support and replies..

Reading through them actually brought tears to my eyes.

This lone battle is only getting tougher with lack of family support.

I am so gland that I have discovered this forum and the fact that 'strangers' but fellow sufferers are more understanding and supportive.

I am old enough to live an independant life but my parents have been brought up in a cultural heritage that has hard time coming to terms with single (unmarried) girls living alone. I have been cooking for myself for about a year now but whenever they spot me in the kitchen, cooking up my own energy source they always form arguments and try their best to put offender food. I love my family but this and other things are making it hard for me to stay that way. I have been persuading to live independtly for 3 years now.....but nothing seems to work.

My mum's side of family has a history of weak digestive system and I am pretty sure they have some kind of food intolerances and allergies although the coutnries they live in do not offer proper testing services.

I am intolerant to meat and yes, I am also the first one in the entire family tree to have various food intolerances and allergies with noticeable symptoms. Plus the first one to take it all into action.

Gobbie,

It bothers me a great deal to hear things like this. It sounds like you have to come to a choice of independence and health or dependence and potential illness. I won't pretend to understand the cultural aspects since I've been pretty much on my own in one way or another since I was 13 but the ultimate question is do you love life or not? If you do and you consider your life to be of intrinsic value then you have to decide if others have the right to live your life for you. If you say that your life is your own to live, then you have to find strength to step out of the boundaries imposed by others and set your own boundaries for your life. One of those is that your health is your own to control, not those around you. While you will find support here on this (and other) forums, you also will need real-life friends who can help share their strength with you to allow you set your own boundaries with your family. Part of being an adult is setting adult boundaries and it sounds like you are in a situation where the boundaries are being set for you. This is probably emotionally, spiritually, and physically damaging you. I would suggest that you look first for a gluten intolerance group near you that you can - if not attend - at least make contact with. Secondly, I would consider long and hard about who owns your life and if you need to make some changes to take control of your own life, including your health and diet.

[Gobbie]

Gobbie,

It bothers me a great deal to hear things like this. It sounds like you have to come to a choice of independence and health or dependence and potential illness. I won't pretend to understand the cultural aspects since I've been pretty much on my own in one way or another since I was 13 but the ultimate question is do you love life or not? If you do and you consider your life to be of intrinsic value then you have to decide if others have the right to live your life for you. If you say that your life is your own to live, then you have to find strength to step out of the boundaries imposed by others and set your own boundaries for your life. One of those is that your health is your own to control, not those around you. While you will find support here on this (and other) forums, you also will need real-life friends who can help share their strength with you to allow you set your own boundaries with your family. Part of being an adult is setting adult boundaries and it sounds like you are in a situation where the boundaries are being set for you. This is probably emotionally, spiritually, and physically damaging you. I would suggest that you look first for a gluten intolerance group near you that you can - if not attend - at least make contact with. Secondly, I would consider long and hard about who owns your life and if you need to make some changes to take control of your own life, including your health and diet.

Thank you so much for your words. Really thank you.

Even after months of posting this, my family is still in denial. In fact their pressure only grew stronger.

They fail to understand the seriousness or infact the existence of intolerance/allergy.

My health has worsened as a result so I am now unable to carry on with daily life which means I am in and out of hospital on regular basis for check ups and meds.

Thankfully, through this difficult times I have realised something.

Like you said, I am on my way to finding peace.

Although my days are more troubled since I posted this, I have begun building something towards light at the end of the tunnel.. I now have the will power, I 'want' to be me, I 'want' to be something.

If I am alive, I might as well as live it fully.

Spend time with loved ones and be happy.

Plus having this condition makes me an expert in this topic than the average so friends come to me for advice every now n then. Plus I can also help out a little with fellow sufferers.. sharing the burden sort of thing.

I hope to become like you.

Being brave and staying strong and living life.. being able to give solid advices.

Thank you for your words again.

It means a lot to me. Really really a lot.

[RiceGuy]

The impression I get is that not only is there denial on the part of your family, but it might be that they recognize some symptoms in themselves, and wish to lie to themselves. However, if you know what makes you sick, and therefore don't eat it, it is a reminder to them which they are horrified to confront. If they get you to eat as they do, then it puts them at ease about their own problems. It makes them feel "normal", when everyone else around them is in the same boat.

So perhaps your choice of diet represents a new paradigm to them. It's akin to being told that your religious beliefs are all wrong, or something along those lines. It turns their world upside down.

Furthermore, giving in and eating what they push at you reaffirms in their minds that your position is weak, and that it's just you being weird or crazy. But stand firm in your resolve, and they will come around to accept it in time. They cannot force you to eat what makes you sick. They can make a huge fuss over it, but ultimately it is still within your power to say "NO".

I'd also suggest taking every opportunity to declare how much better you feel without the offending foods in your diet. Show them by your improved sense of wellbeing that it is the right thing for you to be doing. And who knows, they may eventually begin wondering if they might also enjoy some of that feeling, if they were to make some changes too.

They have no right to criticize or detract from your right to be healthy. I'd probably say something like "Do you really expect me to give up feeling better for the first time in so long? If so, that's your problem, not mine.". In fact, I did say such things, as my own family did not approve of some dietary changes I had made. But when they saw me turn down things that they knew I wished I could eat, they saw how serious I was. I also made it perfectly clear how much better I felt, and they couldn't tell me otherwise.