Lonely Living In L.a., Semi-heavy Semi-rant

[shirleyujest]

I have good friends here, but they work so hard just to keep going... my friends include everyone from the "working poor" to the rather well off. Gay, straight, wide age range, ethnic backgrounds. But everyone is running all the time. I see them maybe once/twice a month. As I'm disabled and at home a lot, often writing, resting, whatever... I'm lonely. But when I am out and meeting people, it feels like by this age (40s) everyone has their lives, their kids, even if they're divorced. I'm burned out living here.

Don't get me wrong... there's always ways to meet people and find someone to spend an evening with. On-line dating or meet up groups. I think I prefer having a few rather deep connections and that's where it feels like people put up invisible barriers.

And while I'm contented being alone (not part of a couple) most of the time, I admit life would be richer with a partner. The men around my age and single seem much more drawn to drama queens than more or less straightforward, or down to earth women. I had a business/friendly meeting with someone yesterday who is very smart, and I'm most attracted to eggheady type men, but every time I become close to one they turn out to be somewhat diabiolical or ultra secretive. The one yesterday went to lengths to tell me how he keeps information about himself from being made public. So many quirky people, sortof broken people.

I don't mean to rag on men, definitely not wanting to exclude menfolk from the convo... I know women can be semi-psycho too. But there's definitely a large percentage of single middle-aged men in L.A. who are real users where women are concerned. And they exclude women from their "inner circle," having men-only poker games and business meetings. It's aggravating. A lot of straight men I know have a mentality, they'll express it openly, that women are like the enemy, never realizing they have the power to choose women they let into their lives and maybe the problem is, they always must have the blondest, most gorgeousest, whatever. You'd probably call me pretty or comely but I'm not a trophy or "implant" type of woman, and of course these are the most sought-after ones in town.

Is it this hard being divorced/solo in other places, or is it an L.A. thing? I've been threatening to move elsewhere for several years now, but don't know where I'd go as I really just know people here.

[tarnalberry]

My friends and family and I who have all lived in LA say the same thing: LA is a hard place to make real connections. Lots of superficial acquaintance-ships, but not real connections. As you say, people are always rushing around to one thing or another. It's not impossible, but you have to find the right group that you can fit in with, and the right people who live your speed. Just because they have family doesn't mean they can't interact well with a single person, of course, but if they're only making time for the crazy color-coded, running-off-the-calendar schedule of after school sports and academic enrichment and volunteer work they and their children are in... well, that's not really living a speed you seem to be living. (And I'm all in favor of your speed! )

It really does take a surprising amount of work to try to maintain friendships, especially ones not based in a workplace, in LA. It's doable, but it requires commitment from both friends, and often a friend who is a little more "ok, I'll do all the 'planning' and 'initiating' because one person has more time".

BTW, your friend who noted that he tries to keep most of his personal information offline is actually rather smart. You can find out almost anything and everything about someone online, and people have had their houses robbed, lost their jobs, been stalked, sued, harassed, or killed, based off of information that has been available online. It's quite wise to be very cognizant of your representation on the internet.

[missy'smom]

It's L.A. I'm not from California but lived there 7 years. The first 2 were the honeymoon period, then I prayed and looked for ways to get out and was so happy when we did. There are things that we liked there and miss but overall quality of life is SO much better where we are now. I'm also open to meeting and interacting with many different kinds of people. Lived all over. It's funny, I'm living on the other coast now and 3 of my neighbors are transplants from So Cal.

[shirleyujest]

BTW, your friend who noted that he tries to keep most of his personal information offline is actually rather smart. You can find out almost anything and everything about someone online, and people have had their houses robbed, lost their jobs, been stalked, sued, harassed, or killed, based off of information that has been available online. It's quite wise to be very cognizant of your representation on the internet.

Yes you're quite right about staying below the radar; he's smart and I told him so. At the same time, he gave off yellow flags about a few things. No biggie though. It's the overall pattern I sometimes feel blue about. Thanks for your thoughts.