How Do You Get Ur Family To Understand?

[kkaysmiles]

I was just diagnosed and confirmed to have celiac. I have not done much follow up as $ is really tight right now. My husband seems to think that this disease is like what candida was for so many...a reason for all ailments(that is how he sees it)..therefore he has completely written my gluten-free needs off as being a hypocondriac. (sp?) He thinks that the bloating and pain I am experiencing is just IBS or something else or in my head (I also have had gall bladder surgery, rotator cuff surgery, and carpel tunnel surgery all in the last three years and was diagnosed with degernerative disc disease around Christmas)...he is not supportive at all and this is a HUGE change for me. AND I just lost my job last month so there is alot of stress involved. I really want his consideration and not dismissal. He won't read websites I wondered if there was something short sweet and yet shows the seriousness of this disease...WHAT DID YOU DO???? It is breaking my heart..AND making me mad!

[kareng]

This is tough. My hub has very little human biology knowledge and I have a degree so he has always deferred to me about medical stuff. But, so that he would understand the importance, I told him about studies that were summarized here, that explain increase risk of cancers and death. Also, after a few weeks of iron, gluten-free, B12, etc I had much more energy & looked better. These are the things he noticed. Maybe your hub needs some basic and blunt facts and some solutions. Good luck.

[skigirlchar]

well candida almost killed me - so did wheat, so if you husband wants you dead then he's on the right track if he keeps this up.

i'm dealing w/ this alone in my home, but when i "go home" to my family it was a fight at first - especially w/ my mom. she would hear but not LISTEN so then she would feed me exactly what i COULDN'T eat. normally she is the 1st one online reading all the info, but something blocked her w/ this

i also have to deal w/ the monetary issues. my health issues were probably triggered by a "toxic" job and then i lost the job - and with it my health insurance. needing very expensive tests out of pocket didn't help w/ the motherly support AT ALL - especially when i needed HER to come here (3 hours) to drive me home from one of the procedures.

(my dad actually had to yell at her to get her head out of her ass, that i was more important than their dog and that he could actually take care of himself w/o her for 3 days.)

because i couldn't afford to totally start my pantry over, i started by buying one item at a time to replace items i finished in the pantry. (if you HAVE the diagnosis, don't forget there are medical tax deductions issue too so talk to your accountant/check the tax code website for more info - i have all the symptoms but the tests came up negative for me so i don't apply for the food one that at least used to be there for the cost difference.)

because i have always had allergy and food "issues" i tell my friends "this is how it is - you are in my house, i'm cooking this. feel free to partake if you want, if not & you eat anything that you bring in - it's paper plates and plastic silverware. and put them in the garbage when you are done." they all eat my food because it tastes good - however i have cut out people who don't respect me and my choices to lead a life that keeps me away from foods that cause issues.

when i go places (friends / my new work location) i label everything and bring my own paper plates / flatware because as annoying as it is, it's easier than a fight. some friends have even started to ask what labels to look for so they can provide for me and they don't let anyone open it until i have had my share (one even has a drawer in their fridge labeled w/ my name because i'm there so often.)

since i had to go gluten-free i have been in 2 relationships that for better or worse didn't last - partly because there wasn't respect for my health issues (i still think one was more interested in my allergies than in me.) you don't have that option but you still have options.

i grew up in a home where you 1)ate what was cooked or you 2)had a bowl of cereal or 3) made your own peanut butter & jelly sandwich. if you didn't like those 3 choices then you could go to bed hungry.

this is a fight for your health & your life. if you are the family cook, cook based on your new health needs. if people don't like the choice then tell them they can make their own food. your husband is a grown man, it's time he acts like it.

if you are NOT the cook, you need to start cooking for yourself since your husband is not supporting you right now. it will take some time for the gluten-free benefits to really kick in (i had to go gluten-free/CF/SF for a real difference) but you will feel better physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

if that isn't enough to turn him around... well, we will all be here to support you.

[Mari]

One thing to keep in mind is that you will soon be starting to heal and you will feel much better. You have just learned something rather shocking about yourself and your anxiety levels are very high and like many of us you are probably irritable. As you get better and learn what you need to do to return to health you will be getting stronger and soon your husband will notice that this is a good thing for him, too. This may take some time to accomplish and you will probably have to show him by example rather than trying to convince him with words or educate him. We all have difficulty during this learning period but as we learn to depend on our own decisions we learn how to talk or act with other people. If you can turn your anger into the energy you need to cope with this problem then hubby may just back off for a while as he adjusts to your situation, this is a big change for him, too.

It is truely wonderful that Drs have learned to identify this problem for it gives the opportunity to become healthy and useful prople again. You will be able to work again in a new job with new energy and renewed hope for your own future. Let us know how you are doing and Good Luck!

[Skylark]

Reminds me of my emotionally abusive ex. That's the kind of stunt he would pull with my health problems. Your husband is subconsciously afraid of something, and using name-calling/discrediting tactics to try to change reality and get you to back away from the diagnosis. Obviously you can't.

You need to figure out what he's afraid of, and address the underlying issue to get him to listen. It could be that you are sick a lot and he's afraid of the changes, he could be afraid of being faced with a chronic illness himself, he could be afraid of all the lifestyle changes.

You might be able to drag him in to your doctor at the next appointment, or engage him as others have said by demonstrating how much better you feel gluten-free.

[kkaysmiles]

  On 5/16/2010 at 5:03 AM, Skylark said:

Reminds me of my emotionally abusive ex. That's the kind of stunt he would pull with my health problems. Your husband is subconsciously afraid of something, and using name-calling/discrediting tactics to try to change reality and get you to back away from the diagnosis. Obviously you can't.

You need to figure out what he's afraid of, and address the underlying issue to get him to listen. It could be that you are sick a lot and he's afraid of the changes, he could be afraid of being faced with a chronic illness himself, he could be afraid of all the lifestyle changes.

You might be able to drag him in to your doctor at the next appointment, or engage him as others have said by demonstrating how much better you feel gluten-free.

I do think he is afraid of the inconvience it will cause him. He is not very adaptable and has trouble with change. (Thank God this is not his disease!!!)His high cholestrol is bad enough (which he does little for) I am ok with not going to subway or various restruants here..we will save $ anyway..but it isn't like we can't try to figure out something..it is a small town and I think many of the restruants would be happy to help us. I think he is scared that he will have to give up things at home or have to wash his gluteny dishes off etc...like I said he hate inconvience. (I don't know it he thinks I love it or what!!!!) I will try to drag him to the dr. and hope that helps. i had to get my orthopedic surgeon to write a note to him requesting we get a regular bed as we have slept on a waterbed for 24 years!!! (Just got the real one this year..I just went out and got it myself) He didn't like that! Hope this doesn't take as long for him to come around. Now if Oprah or Dr. Oz would say it...he would listen!!!

[ciavyn]

You do what is healthy for you and if he doesn't like it, I'd guilt the crap out of him. He has the nerve to suggest his wife should be sick all the time? To be annoyed where your health is concerned?! To even question your diagnosis? Who cares if he agrees with it or thinks it is legit. You need to do this to be healthy.

Let me ask you this, and I encourage you to really think about it: If you stood your ground, and did what is best for you in this -- meaning, you bought the right foods, got new dishes and small appliances (as you are able of course) and went after this with the dedication you would if you were single -- what would he do? If you can say, he'll just be miserable and grouchy, then who cares? One of you is going to miserable either way, so let it be him! If you risk him doing something crazy or dangerous to you or the things around you, then you have a whole other problem to deal with. But assuming he's 99% of normal guys out there, let him be cranky, yell and scream, miserable, whiny, and whatever. This is YOUR health. You need to tell your husband what I told mine: Do you value me feeling better? Do you value having a happy, healthy wife? Then this is what we're going to do, and if you aren't on board, fine. But you will follow the rules of my kitchen when you are in it. In the rest of the house, store your gluteny stuff anywhere you want.

This is an adjustment for everyone, but there is no excuse for someone standing in the way of their spouses well-being. So understand that he's going to be cranky about it -- it is a pain in the patootie! But do it anyway, and work through it together. But you MUST keep yourself healthy.

[kareng]

We have been doing this about 4 months. It takes time to find the easiest solution for all. I found a counter to put their toaster, bread, etc in and on. This keeps the crumbs contained to that area and the table. You can still clean up the crumbs for now, as that is easier. Just wash up after. I like to clean up because then I know it's clean.

The other thing is my hub has lost 5 pounds. We save money on not going out as much. Many recipes are gluten-free unless they have a crust or bread. Most you can work around. Last night 14 year old son and I experimented with gluten-free pizza crust mixes. We liked them and have made notes on what changes for next time.

Anyway, I'm not ready to kick your hub out yet. Give it a few months as you both must adjust and find what works for you.

[kayo]

I'm mad for you. What an unsupportive prick! (I'm just saying what we're all thinking )

Quick google and found this:

Dr. Oz on Oprah talking about celiac:

Open Original Shared Link

Multiple celiac resources on the Dr. Oz Show website:

Open Original Shared Link

Since he won't go to a website print them out and highlight the key points. Take him to your next doctors appointment and have the doctor describe the dangers of not going Gluten-free. If he's sick of you being sick now wait another 10 years of eating gluten and then you could be facing more serious health issues like cancer.

  Quote

My husband seems to think that this disease is like what candida was for so many...a reason for all ailments(that is how he sees it)..therefore he has completely written my gluten-free needs off as being a hypocondriac. (sp?) He thinks that the bloating and pain I am experiencing is just IBS or something else or in my head

He has it BACKWARDS. IBS is the catch all undiagnosis. The real cause, particularly in your case, is celiac. The bloating and pain is from the celiac.

And pray tell how can you be a hypochondriac if you have the actual celiac diagnosis, confirmed by a medical professional?

Hang in there and hugs to you!!

[Skylark]

  On 5/16/2010 at 6:57 AM, kkaysmiles said:

I do think he is afraid of the inconvience it will cause him. He is not very adaptable and has trouble with change. (Thank God this is not his disease!!!)His high cholestrol is bad enough (which he does little for) I am ok with not going to subway or various restruants here..we will save $ anyway..but it isn't like we can't try to figure out something..it is a small town and I think many of the restruants would be happy to help us. I think he is scared that he will have to give up things at home or have to wash his gluteny dishes off etc...like I said he hate inconvience. (I don't know it he thinks I love it or what!!!!) I will try to drag him to the dr. and hope that helps. i had to get my orthopedic surgeon to write a note to him requesting we get a regular bed as we have slept on a waterbed for 24 years!!! (Just got the real one this year..I just went out and got it myself) He didn't like that! Hope this doesn't take as long for him to come around. Now if Oprah or Dr. Oz would say it...he would listen!!!

So you know the isssue? You're in great shape. Dragging him to the doctor will probably help since its worked before.

Then stick to your guns, but acknowledge his feelings. There's nothing wrong with telling him that you dislike the inconvenience too, or that you're not happy about being diagnosed with a lifelong illness that will permanently change your diet. "I know you want to believe this is in my head. So do I, because I don't want to change my whole diet, but the doctor was very clear." Or "I sure wish the doctor had told me I was a hypochondriac instead of celiac. This is really inconvenient!"

[eva-girl]

your husband sounds like he has control issues. has he always been this way? how does he react to your other ailments - does he think they are in your head, too? you can't force him to support you - just do what you need to do in order to stay healthy, regardless of what he thinks. this is your body, your life. if he can't be supportive than you need to find other people who will support you. how abouot family/friends - are they better? good luck.

[skigirlchar]

this blog was just posted to my twitter feed the other day about family support:

Open Original Shared Link

as i was out and about and it came to my blackberry i e-mailed it to myself JUST FOR THIS CONVO!

i don't know how much will help, but support is support is support

[Patricia27]

Just realize that it doesn't have to cost you money to go gluten-free. I am sure you will be surprised, (as I was), that you already have gluten-free items in your house. Just be sure to start cutting out the obvious & eat more of the gluten-free items in your home.

You might end up spending a little more at the grocery stores, but your medical bills should go down. It definitely takes time. I have become gluten-free as of April 14, 2010 & by avoiding gluten products & soy products, I truly feel so much better.

Today I had a setback, but I found out it was the way my homefries were prepared. Who would have thought to ask if the potatoes were boiled in water with nothing else! OUCH! I will avoid them from this point forward. I ask a lot of questions if forced to find something to eat while out. Otherwise, I try to avoid eating out, any more, as best I can. It's just not worth the pain & discomfort. Honestly, start cutting out the foods that are on the "naughty list" & you will start to feel so much better.

Keep a food diary, it is very helpful in the long run.

Keep us posted on your progress