Poisoned Myself, Again

[revenant]

I purposely dairy-ed, corn-ed, egg-ed, and soy-ed myself, again, first time in a month though. I just can't stop. It's my new method of hurting myself, but I was doing SO well! I am so discouraged, and I am terrified because in about 30 minutes i'm going to begin feelng extremely depressed/paranoid/visual disturbances/anxious... I'm really scared And need some encouraging words please... I get so afraid of my own mind in these times and I don't know why I keep doing this to myself! It's never an accident... Are there any thoughts that get you through these times? Any chants or such? Things that will help my mental state? Thanks.. (I feel like I make too many threads)

[rustycat]

I'm so sorry this happened. The only thing that I can think of to say is that this, too, will pass and you will feel better with time.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about wanting to hurt yourself? It sounds like it's time to reach out. There are people who can help.

[eatmeat4good]

I didn't see gluten on the list. So first, give yourself credit for that. You are trying to eliminate a whole lot of things at once and that is difficult no matter how necessary it is. When we try to make drastically big changes, no one is perfect all the time. You do have to keep trying, but remember that we develop habits over a lifetime and it takes many many days of repetitive behavior for something to become a habit. That is true of the way we eat too.

Of course there are consequences for the mistakes...even the ones that aren't mistakes.

But you are on a journey.

You will be OK from this episode of weakness. If that is what it was.

Instead of beating yourself mentally for it or thinking that you are a failure, try to figure out what you learned from this "food challenge".

People often try to add things back to see how they feel. You must have needed to prove it to yourself one more time.

You ate things that will make you sick. The important thing is to learn from it.

It becomes no man to nurse despair

but in the teeth of clenched antagonisms

to follow up the worthiest until he dies.

You can still get back on track. Take it one day at a time.

Remember this is a lifetime change.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step.

Tomorrow you will most certainly not cheat.

You be paying for cheating today.

Be patient with yourself.

[ravenwoodglass]

Your not making too many threads. You need support right now and that is what the board is for.

You say you did this on purpose and have a history of hurting yourself. Did something happen to trigger this? If you have used hurting yourself physically as a way to deal with the stress of emotional pain please do consider finding a good counselor. They won't be an instant fix but can help you come up with some ways to cope and avoid hurting yourself.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Never Ever be afraid to come here and vent when you need to.

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

[txplowgirl]

Hey Revenent, i've got a question for you. Are you afraid of getting better? Just something to think about. Find you a quiet spot away from any kind of distractions and think about it for a little while.

Am I afraid of feeling better? Do I do this because I am afraid I can't follow the diet? Am I so scared of getting better that I purposely make myself sick?

You need to buckle down and show yourself that you can do it. Because no one else but you can do it. Do you like feeling sorry for yourself? I'm sorry if i'm sounding a little harsh here but you've got to understand why you do this to your self. Get you a counslor to help you understand this. Until you can help yourself you can't help your sister.

We are all here to help but we can only do so much, the rest is up to you. Don't be afraid to go to counseling, I can promise you it will help you a lot.

Hang in there and let us know how it goes. (((((Hugs)))))

[Skylark]

I'm sorry you made yourself sick.

As others have said, please look into why you are trying to harm yourself. We cannot continue to enable your self-destructive behavior here. It isn't even a fair thing to ask of us. What would you do with a friend who came to you sick and looking for comfort because a least once a month they deliberately ate a little rat poison? Of course you'd help at that moment, but wouldn't you want to see them get some help from a counselor to defeat the self destructive urges?

[GFshay]

There are lots of good resources out there for people coping with health problems, who might also have trouble feeling "in control" of their thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you think you are doing it on purpose, but it's also scary to be in that bad place when you get sick. If you really think you want to hurt yourself, I would look up a local crisis hotline and talk to someone about resources. Those hotlines aren't just for people who feel suicidal, so don't feel strange calling. They're there to help people find help they need, even if it's just getting a good, affordable counselor.

I recently went soy, milk, coffee, black tea, and egg free on top of the gluten and periodically I purposely expose myself too... I keep doing it to "see" if maybe I've healed enough to tolerate it. I think it's wishful thinking. Is it possible you're just being hard on yourself for allowing yourself to try that stuff again?

To ride this particular storm out, I would consider slow, deep breathing while counting backwards from 10. The more you visualize, the easier it is to allow racing thoughts to fall into the background. Look up some meditation tracks on itunes or somewhere else on the web (a lot are free podcasts). Just try to accept feeling sick for now and know it will pass. Turn on a good movie and take a nice bath. Good luck and warm thoughts.