Why Do I Keeping Doing This?

[CMCM]

OK, I've had the tests, I know I should be totally gluten and dairy free. So I eat properly for awhile, and then I feel so much better that I break down and eat something with wheat. Like last night I stupidly bought a Sarah Lee pecan coffee cake and ate 4 small pieces of it. I knew I'd have trouble but I did it anyway. Three hours later I was in horrible pain and felt terrible, then woke up in the middle of the night from the continuing pain. Overall, the pains lasted for 5 or more hours. I feel better today, but just barely and I feel yucky.

I generally seem more motivated to stay away from dairy because my reactions to it are really extreme...guarajnteed to have lots of D and cramping and a sick feeling, plus a strong return of my asthma/coughing symptoms. With gluten it's really varied....can be D and sick and dizzy, but more often it's hours of stomach pain of varying degrees of severity and a tendency towards C rather than D.

Do any of you break down like this? I don't know why I keep testing myself with gluten....it's stupid, and I know it is. I don't know how so many of you stay so true to the diet. Every time I'm in the middle of a reaction I promise myself never again, I don't want to feel like this again, I'll be good, but then when I'm feeling well and having no symptoms I get tempted and I'll think that maybe I will get away with it this time.

This is such an aggravating and insidious and often weird condition. I wish it were more clear-cut. With my mom, it is. Even with a tiny amount of hidden gluten she gets sooooo violently ill, and she truly has no desire to ever cheat. But with me, not being that extreme, I'm not as strong with the dedication to the diet. What gives here, what can I do to get my head around all this???

[tarnalberry]

I think the only one who can answer the question of why you do it is you. I'm sure my psychologist would have lots of good leading questions to help you figure out why you do this (it is a form of self-destructive behavior, they're good at asking questions about that stuff), but I don't remember most of the ones she used for me for other things. Maybe it's rebellion? Denial? Frustration? How are you *feeling*, mentally, when you make these choices, about the diet?

[penguin]

I don't get the desire to cheat, but I do go to the grocery store and in the middle of reading a label with questionable ingredients, I think, "oh well, if there's just a little bit it won't hurt me"...

...and then I snap back, put it down, and realize that this is how I know I feel better, when I'm tempted to eat something I shouldn't.

I honestly don't miss anything, which *really* surprises me. I realized I didn't eat a whole lot of gluten anyway.

I take that back, I miss eating out without worry. I'm still shy about it...

Consider your desire to cheat a sign of healing! You feel better and feel invincible, so you do something you shouldn't. Just have someone smack you when you get that kind of urge

[CMCM]

Hmmm....how do I feel? Well, I think denial is one aspect of it. I got the tests so I'd know for sure. And now that I know I'm trying to ignore what I know! I spent my childhood with a celiac mom, although she was finally diagnosed around the time I got married, in 1969 so my childhood was spent sort of observing her symptoms, although kids are kind of oblivious to these things anyway. But I spent my years after that never thinking about the possibility I might have celiac becacuse, after all, I wasn't losing weight like she did, so how could I have it? I thought I had skated on that one! But now that I know as sure as I can know without having a biopsy, I guess I'm still sort of in denial about the absolute need to avoid gluten, especially since my test showed no malabsorption going on, and I sort of think well, I'm 56 and after all these years I still don't have malabsorption, so maybe it's not as serious with me, maybe it's just annoying symptoms. And I don't ALWAYS get the same symptoms...sometimes the reaction is almost nothing, sometimes it's bad. So I'm kind of left in limbo with how to view this, given the confusing nature of celiac in the first place.

Now how about rebellion....I suppose that could be part of it too. A subconscious insistence of challenging this whole thing..."See....I can eat this, I didn't react this time, I beat it this time, so maybe it's not such a problem after all."

I don't know...it's stupid and I know I'm too smart to behave like this, but it's hard because I've always enjoyed indulging myself with food, especially to feel better. My husband is sympathetic and understands this to a degree, but he hasn't done the reading I've done and I'm not a person who likes others to know I feel sick etc., I don't thrive on that like some people do (my mom, for one!!), so I don't say a whole lot about it most of the time. And then he'll buy stuff or half encourage me to indulge in something, or at the very least, he doesn't encourage me to NOT eat something I shouldn't. Both he AND my mom of all people said this....that perhaps I can get away with eating gluten occasionally, that the whole thing is no more than just temporary inconvenience. And maybe that really is all that it is for me...who knows?

Maybe I'd feel more "directed" and purposeful if things were more clear with celiac and gluten sensitivity and what you absolutely should or should not do.

I suppose overall, since I got my diagnosis a month ago, I've been denying and rebelling the outcome.

[Lollie]

Just a thought I have:

Do you feel like you deserve to have the pain if you cheat? I ask this because sometimes, I chose to do things that I know will make me sick and cause me pain.....I deserve it. I know it is not at all healthy but I am working on it and through it. My problem is a weight issue, from way back when I could actually gain weight.

So I guess, when I read your post I got the feeling that you might be trying to punish your self for some reason. Sorry if this throws it way off-I mean if I'm totally off the mark. I just want to try to help! And I would say that 5 hours of pain all through the night, was not a particularly weak response to gluten. It sounds like no fun at all!

Hope you are feeling better!

Lollie

[tarnalberry]

... but it's hard because I've always enjoyed indulging myself with food, especially to feel better.

While I find 'food as reward' to be generally a bad thing for me, you can do this even with gluten free food, you just have to find what your gluten free reward is. You wouldn't go eat some arsnic as an indulgence; gluten's the same way. (It only doesn't *seem* that way because everyone around you is eating it and you used to eat it.) Like chocolate? Ok, then indulge in chocolate - straight up, hot cocoa, flourless cake, ice cream, pudding, etc. Like garlic bread? Ok, then make garlic bread, but find a gluten-free bread (or bread recipe) that you like to make it from. There are plenty of things out there to indulge in, that are still perfectly safe. But the mental process of switching your reward trigger to those may take some time.

[skoki-mom]

I use food for comfort. Not a great habit, but hey, it's the truth. I indulge in the stuff I can still have. I confess I ate ice cream and chocolate sauce for breakfast today (it's not a habit, I've never done it before, I just needed it today because I would have cut my right arm off for a piece of toast). I put real butter on my popcorn. I eat chocolate every single day, no word of a lie, I always did. I guess I figure if the Celiac won't kill me I should just go for a heart attack..........

No really, I can't answer why you do what you do. I have often wished to just say to hell with it and go have a hamburger, but I don't want to be self-destructive I guess, so I don't do it.

[Guest nini]

I can't tell you why you do it... I only know why I don't. In my mind gluten equals POISON pure and simple. I wouldn't willingly ingest even a small amount of poison, so why would I ingest gluten? the longer I am gluten free the stronger my reactions get to microscopic accidental glutenings from cross contamination. I think part of your answer is that you are still so new to this. In the beginning I made a few mistakes and ate some things that were questionable at best but I didn't care. I was angry at the world and DAMMIT I wanted a goodie!

Well, As I've gone along I've discovered some amazing gluten-free comfort foods, my most recent discovery is 123 Gluten Free's Muffin and Quick Bread Mix, adding 3 over ripe bananas to this makes the most amazing banana bread... I made 8 small loaves and froze them, heated one up in the microwave this morning with REAL BUTTER melted on it and OMG it was the most amazing thing I've put in my mouth in a while.

Then this afternoon I just HAD to have cotton candy, so I got Fluffy Stuff and pigged out. Hey, it's gluten free, who cares what else in it is bad for me! LOL

[penguin]

Then this afternoon I just HAD to have cotton candy, so I got Fluffy Stuff and pigged out. Hey, it's gluten free, who cares what else in it is bad for me! LOL

Can't be a health nut all the time

[CMCM]

I can't tell you why you do it... I only know why I don't. In my mind gluten equals POISON pure and simple. I wouldn't willingly ingest even a small amount of poison, so why would I ingest gluten? the longer I am gluten free the stronger my reactions get to microscopic accidental glutenings from cross contamination. I think part of your answer is that you are still so new to this. In the beginning I made a few mistakes and ate some things that were questionable at best but I didn't care. I was angry at the world and DAMMIT I wanted a goodie!

Well, As I've gone along I've discovered some amazing gluten-free comfort foods, my most recent discovery is 123 Gluten Free's Muffin and Quick Bread Mix, adding 3 over ripe bananas to this makes the most amazing banana bread... I made 8 small loaves and froze them, heated one up in the microwave this morning with REAL BUTTER melted on it and OMG it was the most amazing thing I've put in my mouth in a while.

Then this afternoon I just HAD to have cotton candy, so I got Fluffy Stuff and pigged out. Hey, it's gluten free, who cares what else in it is bad for me! LOL

YUM....I LOVE banana bread. I don't think I've seen those mixes you mentioned. How do you make it...just a regular muffin recipe on the box or something, and then add the bananas? You don't have to do anything to compensate for the extra moisture from the bananas? I used to make banana bread which had almond flavoring and some coconut....to die for! I'd love to find a decent substitute!

I guess I need to imprint the POISON idea more firmly in my brain. I actually sort of feel that with dairy, which for me is almost worse reaction-wise than gluten. I've passed up without much regret two of my absolute favorite things: cheesecake and creme brulee. And my wonderful home cappuccinos (I got a real Italian cappuccino machine last August...boo hoo). This gluten thing is all the harder and it's a double whammy for me having to avoid BOTH gluten and dairy....and to some extent soy as well. Takes a lot of the fun out of eating.

All my life until maybe 15 years ago I could eat any amount of junk I wanted and never gain a pound...I had/have a terrible sweet tooth, so it's just hard to give up all my sweet goodies. I've been consoling myself lately with Van's blueberry gluten free waffles with Butterworth sugar free syrup. These waffles aren't half bad.....my husband ate one and didn't even realize they were gluten free or anything. The blueberries liven up the flavor and these are better than the plain ones.

[Guest nini]

Open Original Shared Link

I got the "Meridith's Marvelous Muffin/Quickbread Mix" and just followed the instructions for adding the bananas on the bag... It says to use 3 over ripe bananas, when my bananas get over ripe or "dead" I peel them and stick them in ziplock freezer bags in the freezer. Then I just thawed them out and used them in the mix. It does make a very thick mix, but it rises A BUNCH! So just follow the instructions on the bag and you should be just fine.

I found these at my local health food store, but you can order them from their site. I also LOVE the Southern Glory Biscuit mix and the Aaron's Dinner Rolls and the Buckwheat Pancakes... actually everything I've had by this company is delicious!

just a side note, on the testimonial's page of their web site, towards the bottom is my comment! "Nisla, Marietta, GA" LOL!!!

[jenvan]

As Tiffany mentioned...I would try to find some good gluten-free sweet treats and switch to those. I have honestly never been tempted to cheat...and if I was, I would just picture potential intestinal lymphoma and how that is nearly always is fatal and of course, miserable. Sounds morbid...but for some the fear of death is a good motivator! Not that that should be the only or permanent motivation—b/c eventually that could become dysfunctional too. I don't know your history--do you have Celiac or is it gluten intolerance? It is hard for people to stay motivated when the fruits of their labors (or consequences) are unseen. For me, taking the focus off of food, cultivating discipline and finding good food replacements that feel like splurges or treats has helped... Oh, and how about asking some friends, family to keep you accountable? Good luck!

[Nancym]

Gluten does to us what heroin does to a heroin addict.

You've got to break off all ties to your drug, whatever it is.