Social Behavior -add, Aspergers Etc.

[Ursa Major]

  "gfp" said:

Well that was doomed unless the first thing the councellor told him was you can't fix something that isn't broken and YOU are not broken. What is broken is your relationship .... Neither can you go hoping to fix him.... we are who we are.... all we can do is learn to project who we are.

Actually, the first counselor did tell him that we can only change ourselves, that's the first thing he pretty much said.

And we tried marriage counseling with another counselor, who said the same thing, and again, it was the same story. It was utterly useless. Ken is still convinced we'd have a fabulous marriage if only I changed. Since he is perfect, none of our problems are his fault!

Susan, thanks for your 'angry outburst', I find it encouraging that there are people who are not on his side (most people are, since he is so good at deceiving them, and he is sooooooooooo nice and considerate in public).

Katherine, it isn't MY thread anyway, but gfp started it to talk about Aspergers and related problems, and it appears that I AM the one who has hijacked it!

[gfp]

  Ursula said:

Katherine, it isn't MY thread anyway, but gfp started it to talk about Aspergers and related problems, and it appears that I AM the one who has hijacked it!

When you invite the expert witness you expect nothing else.... I really hoped you would contribute to this thread when I started it and believe it or not I'm learning even from your reactions to your husband.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Ursula, I'm so shocked and angry at your husband, I don't know what to say.

I realize now that, even though you have done everything possible to make things work, HE has doomed your marriage from the beginning. I apologize for my suggestions, which might have worked with someone other than a controlling monster, but are obviously inane suggestions for dealing with someone like your husband.

I'm now really worried for you.

I hope you find a way to escape, and soon.

Did you ever see the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy" with Julia Roberts. Normally, I'm not wild about these kinds of movies, but your situation reminds me of this one. She plays a young woman married to a control freak monster who punishes her if she leaves a can in the cupboard not facing perfectly to the front. She fakes her own death to get away from him (because he'd never let her go) , and escapes from somewhere on the East Coast to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and starts her life all over again. Of course, through some fluke, he discovers where she is and goes after her, and from there on I didn't like the movie, but I really liked the part about her starting over again.

[DingoGirl]

  Fiddle-Faddle said:

Did you ever see the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy" with Julia Roberts. Normally, I'm not wild about these kinds of movies, but your situation reminds me of this one. She plays a young woman married to a control freak monster who punishes her if she leaves a can in the cupboard not facing perfectly to the front. She fakes her own death to get away from him (because he'd never let her go) , and escapes from somewhere on the East Coast to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and starts her life all over again. Of course, through some fluke, he discovers where she is and goes after her, and from there on I didn't like the movie, but I really liked the part about her starting over again.

OH MY GOSH, I was dating a total psycho, the most crazy, controlling, EEE-ville bastard - please excuse my languuage but there is no other word for him.....for six months of agony when this movie was playing in the theatres. A friend, who couldn't believe how my behavior was changing, literally dragged me to this movie, and there was the guy I was dating (he didn't try to kill me, but he did choke me once after I "misbehaved" (imagine, I didn't want to go for an after-dinner drink after we'd driven three hours to Carmel, had a dinner involving wine, champagne, six vodka tonigs (his), and it was 11 p.m.)......I could go on and on with the things he did, including living in a home for seven years and not once cooking (the sticker was still on the inside door of his oven) because it made a mess....and SCREAMING at me once as I poured a beverage down the "wrong" side of the drain (the side without the disposal) and SCREAMING at me as I folded the cashmere throw on the sofe and didn't match the edges EXACTLY (he then spent a solid five minutes folding it perfectly) and telling me what to wear....on and on...

But the thing is, *I* started cowering and believing something was wrong with ME, and worked so hard to make the nice guy come back (the sign of an abusive relationship) and it was the first time I actually understood why women remain in these things. You start to believe you are somehow bad and so flawed that you're lucky to have this guy, or any guy....

I've dated other psychos since, but none as bad as he....the movie jerked my eyes open and I got out.

IT does sound though, Ursula, you do know your worth, and you can see that it's HIM, and not you. Thank God for that.

Oops - now I've hijacked the post......sorry - - that movie obviously evokes a pretty intense reponse in me!

[2kids4me]

ekatherine and Ursula - we should start a support chat for each other - a venting place!! I could tell you stories too - that would make -people say - LEAVE HIM! My husband can be a jerk and he is passive aggressive (I encourage you to look that one up and you will find characteristics you find familiar) but at the same time - he is not physically abusive, he does not complain if the house is a disaster cause I dont feel well (I have painful neuropathy which can keep me up all night then I am exhausted). Maybe I am weak to stay - but for now I am here.

But I can relate to the bad gifts/cancelled trips and innattentiveness.

One time when the kids were little, my daughter had influenza (the real flu - high fever resp symptoms, muscle aches), my son was also colicky. I ended up with the flu too ( I learned and now get flu shots). I became ketoacidotic quickly and even with increase of rapid acting insulin - was spilling ketones. Doctor arranged for me to be admitted BUT first I had to find child care. I phoned my husband at work while I puked in the toilet and my toddlers needed me, I told him I needed to be admitted. He said - I will be right there. I waiited an hour ( work is 5 mins away). I loaded the kids, drove to the clinic and went inside to tell him I would take the kids with me cause I couldnt find a babysitter. The staff was shocked - they never knew I was that sick, and his partner kicked him out to take me to the hospital (my husband owns the business witha partner so its not like the boss would get mad - he IS the boss). I get there, get hooked up to an IV and he starts complaining that his throat is sore - so he goes to emerg and gets a throat swab. Leaving the kids with me! How do you take care of toddlers when you are on IV??? He didnt understand why I was so upset - it was logcial to leave the kids with me so they wouldnt get exposed to stuff in emerg. News flash - a sore throat is not an emergency and the medical clinic at home was still open!

[Fiddle-Faddle]

I dated a control freak once, and only for two months. Luckily, one of my best friends said to me, "What would you be telling ME if I dated a jerk like that?" and I got out.

Could someone please answer me this: why do so many Aspies end up with control freaks? Or is it just women who end up with control freaks? Is it my imagination, or have an awful lot of the women on this board ended up with control freaks? Are there really THAT many control freaks in this world? Why?

[Ursa Major]

My mother was a control freak, too, and very abusive. I thought it was normal to be treated that way! She kept me as dependent as she could, until I rebelled at the age of 20, and moved out. But I had never learned to look after myself, and felt I needed somebody 'strong' to look after me.

Controlling people seemed like strong people to me, I didn't know any better then. I foolishly felt safe with my husband while dating (even though he upset me every time I saw him, but even that seemed normal). I regretted marrying him within a few days, but it was too late.

I always say what I mean and mean what I say. And I promised before God 'till death do us part', and I meant it. I've regretted it all these years, but really, truly tried to make the best of it.

I am not sure if I could bear the guilt over the feeling of having lied to God about staying with my husband until either one of us dies. I think that is the real reason for staying. If he was physically abusing me, I wouldn't stay. But somehow I tend to excuse the mental abuse, and try to tell myself that its not so bad, and maybe tomorrow will be better. And of course, some days he is nice, and considerate, and I hang onto the memory of those days when things are terrible.

And then there are the well meaning people, who tell me what a 'good man' he is, and that a little counseling should help. And he has dragged me to so many marriage seminars (to fix ME of course), that at the words 'marriage seminar' I feel sick! Afterwards I am asked by people, if that wasn't an amazing seminar, and it helped them so much, and didn't I think it really improved our marriage, too? And I nod and smile and cry inwardly, because all it did was make me feel more alone, knowing that it didn't change a thing.

And he'll be buying the books on 'what every woman should know about her man', and on 'how men tick', and how men need to be respected by their wives to be happy etc. and tries to force me to read them (which I won't). And he'll buy tapes and c ds with the same message, and put them on when I am around, for my benefit. When I leave the room, he'll turn them off, since the only reason he put them on was, to 'teach' me to be more 'sensitive towards his needs'. And he will keep telling me that I was the cause of our unhappy marriage because I had no respect for him. It is true, I don't, for obvious reasons. Why should I?

I have no support in my family. If I try to talk to my grown kids, they tell me they don't want to hear it, I am talking about their dad and making him look bad, and I should talk to him about what upsets me. Right, as if that would be helpful. It makes me feel so alone! They expect me to pretend everything is fine, so they can keep seeing their dad through their rose-coloured glasses and keep their heads in the sand. And of course, he has brainwashed them all these years into thinking I am a bad wife and mother, and don't deserve their respect. And sure, in their eyes I am weird, and having those annoying tics isn't helpful. Even though they should ignore them, as I can't help it and they don't diminish my worth as a person. And neither does being different. They are different from me, too, and I manage to respect and love them for who they are! I've never tried making any of them into somebody they're not. My husband has, but I defended them tooth and nail. It is very discouraging that after all that, they'll be on his side.

I'll be very glad when Susie is grown up and off to college (four more years), because then I feel I've done my duty, and will have real options. I hope I make it that long.