This Celiac Relationship Crisis Thing Is Real!

[eleep]

A very good friend has just (after a long period of silence) sent me a lengthy email detailing all her complaints about me over the past six years to which I simply do not know how to respond. This seems to be another case where the people closest to someone with a celiac diagnosis react with anger and disbelief once the diagnosis comes in and the transformation starts to happen -- probably because they're fed up with dealing with all the celiac's anxiety, brain fog and moodiness over the years!

Her email is uncannily like similar reactions my ex-boyfriend has had and I think I'm going to sit with it a while before I respond because I've certainly driven him away attempting to do damage control with that situation. Any suggestions would help, though...

[Guest BERNESES]

A very good friend has just (after a long period of silence) sent me a lengthy email detailing all her complaints about me over the past six years to which I simply do not know how to respond. This seems to be another case where the people closest to someone with a celiac diagnosis react with anger and disbelief once the diagnosis comes in and the transformation starts to happen -- probably because they're fed up with dealing with all the celiac's anxiety, brain fog and moodiness over the years!

Her email is uncannily like similar reactions my ex-boyfriend has had and I think I'm going to sit with it a while before I respond because I've certainly driven him away attempting to do damage control with that situation. Any suggestions would help, though...

Well, my first response is to think that you don't wait ten years to tell a friend all the things that have been bugging you about them. That seems pretty unfair. I had a friend (notice I said HAD) who I discontinued the friendship with because every time we had a tiff she would bring up everything that had gone wrong between us since grammar school.

[tarnalberry]

Sometimes, things aren't meant to be. And if the two of you can't come together and talk about this and figure out where to move forward (and I mean talk, in person, or at least on the phone), then it may be time to move on. Focus on how to move forward, of course. And I'm not saying this will be easy (the last time I had to do this was with my father - haven't talk to him in a long time now), but try to get past all the words she wrote to understand what lies underneath them all. (And don't expect it's something that 'makes sense' - it may, or it may not. And be prepared for it to be something that you think is wrong about you - whether it is or isn't.) It's a tough one. Perhaps you have someone you can trust to talk to about the email?

[CarlaB]

So, do they not like the new you? Did they prefer you sick and foggy? It was unclear from your post.

It seems that email is the wrong medium for that kind of thing. With my friends, family, etc. I use the rule, if it's positive and not very deep email is fine -- you know, chit chat, or setting up a meeting time -- if it's a negative comment, phone or in person. Negative comments 1) Come out to easily in email 2) Can easily be misunderstood in email.

I would call her, that is, if you want to continue the relationship. If you don't care to continue, just email back "I'm sorry I've been such a crappy friend." That short comment will get her thinking she might have been a little harsh.

[Phila]

I too have been struggling with relationship issues. Trying to entangle learned behaviours from the physical effect that gluten has on the body, and how each affects my ability to relate to others is something I have thought about as the brain fog disappears. I don' t think there's an easy answer. As the cloud lifts I pay more attention, think more, try to understand why my relationships are as they are. I know that gluten affected the amount of energy I had to invest in relationships, but I also know that it's not the only contributing factor. In my personal case (not sure how it is for others) I am only now beginning to understand the concept of healthy boundaries, standing up for myself, speaking my mind when appropriate, showing feelings when appropriate, and basically just getting "real" in each relationship and situation e.t.c. Building healthy relationships is something that I never learned and is in my opinion part of growing up. At the root of this is learning to be good to myself and learning to enjoy my life and do things that make me happy. So is gluten a factor? Absolutely, but I don't think it's the root of the problem in my case, just a contributing factor.

My two cents.

[ianm]

You find out real fast who your friends are when you have celiac. I had to purge a lot of people from my life and even some family members too. There are now less people in my life but they are of much higher quality. Not too many from the bad old gluten days are still around in my life and that is a good thing.

[Nancym]

Oops! Posted in the wrong thing.

[GIJane]

It's hard for me to know how to advise you without knowing more about the email and whether or not she had a basis for what she said.

In my own experience, on gluten, I was definitely myself, but my view of the world was out of whack. I was depressed, more emotional (too emotional, really), hyper-sensitive, and I didn't have enough energy to invest in friendships. All of these traits in combination meant that many of my relationships suffered; fortunately, none suffered irreperable harm. Part of this probably has to do with the fact that when I was most upset (and probably hardest to deal with) I really withdrew. It was only the people who were closest to me: my husband, parents, and best friend that really saw how off-the-wall I was behaving.

I guess that's all a round about way to say that I know that gluten can do a number on the psyche. It's only been in the past 6 months (and I've been gluten-free since June 2005) that I've really been able to believe that it was the gluten that made me behave poorly. And it's only been in the past 6 months that I've been able to forgive myself and really be able to reach out to the people I'd pulled away from.

I wish you the best and hope you can save this friendship. Though, in truth, I don't think your friend has been kind or fair.

[Nantzie]

Hugs to you. That's really hard.

Nancy

[Guest BERNESES]

In my own experience, on gluten, I was definitely myself, but my view of the world was out of whack. I was depressed, more emotional (too emotional, really), hyper-sensitive, and I didn't have enough energy to invest in friendships. All of these traits in combination meant that many of my relationships suffered; fortunately, none suffered irreperable harm. Part of this probably has to do with the fact that when I was most upset (and probably hardest to deal with) I really withdrew. It was only the people who were closest to me: my husband, parents, and best friend that really saw how off-the-wall I was behaving.

That's exactly how I was. Now it only rears its head when I am glutened. Luckily (or not depending on how you look at it ) I had suffered three clinical depressions before being diagnosed with Celiac's so I had been seeing a therapisst for a VERY long time. Luckily, she helped me realize that I could seperate what I was "feeling" at that moment (not that it wasn't valid) from the way I might feel in a few days when I felt better physically or mentally.

But it still seems that what your friend did to you was unfair and email is fairly cowardly.

[eleep]

Well -- she is in Arizona and she teaches community college composition -- so email isn't totally cowardly -- she has a lot to say and may be concerned that I'm not going to listen.

On her side, I have been leaning rather heavily on her over the past year especially because my relationship was in crisis -- my boyfriend was alternately talking about marriage and threatening to break up with me -- I was determined not to use breaking up as a threat, but I was considering it -- and I used her as a sounding board. She didn't like him at all -- although some of her criticism of him was correct, some I disagreed with. She's a pretty controlling person and I'm pretty laid back (especially off gluten) -- come to think of it, he's pretty controlling as well -- and I definitely think that my attraction to both of them may have had to do with the structure they brought to my life (weird to think of this). It was always easier for me to just go along with their plans.

Now, of course, I'm asserting myself more -- especially when it comes to food -- and she's kind of freaked out and sensitive about this stuff -- I did spend a few days visiting her and she was kind of cold about the fact that I needed to eat regular meals and toted along snacks -- she, I think tends to put eating by the wayside and averages about four hours of sleep a night.

Oh -- it's complicated -- I think a lot of our relationship was based on giving each other advice sometimes -- not a good thing, which I've been trying to break away from, but it's been tough.

I have actually not read this email in great detail yet because it's too painful today -- I'm still recovering from a reaction last week and have been stressed and insomniac -- weight is down, too. So I'm going to take a look at it in a few days or so when I've had a chance to relax more.

[CarlaB]

Sounds like they both might have depended on your being dependent on them and now that you're a little more independent they don't like it. Your comment that she's always helping others rather than eating regularly made this stand out even more.

I agree with your rationale, read it when you're up to it. If you've been going to her for advice, she may just be in the habit of freely giving it to you.

[eleep]

Yeah -- between losing the guy and figuring out the celiac, I'm feeling like most of the reasons I needed advice are now gone. I've had to go through some pretty intensive grieving on both issues to get to where I felt this way, but that's starting to clear up -- now I have to pick up the wreckage of my dissertation and teaching load.

By the way, Berneses, your photo is awesome -- I've been admiring it for days now!

[Fiddle-Faddle]

If both your friend and your ex-boyfriend are trying to communicate the same message to you, then there just might be a grain of truth in it that you might want to pay attention to, even if it is a year out of date!

Learn what you can from it, try not to react with anger, and if the shoe doesn't fit--don't wear it!

[Guest BERNESES]

By the way, Berneses, your photo is awesome -- I've been admiring it for days now!

Oh thanks! You know that friend I mentioned before that I "broke up with." It was a very similar situation. I was depressed, had a hard time making my own decisions and she was more than happy to tell me what to do. When I finally stood my ground over something big (long story) that was it. She went ballistic on me and I realized that it was a very toxic relationship I no longer needed or wanted. I haven't looked back since- no regrets. I feel sad that our friendship ended, but my life is much healthier without her.

I'm sorry this is so painful for you. It may just take some time to process.

[eleep]

Oh, indeed they both have a point! I've been disastrously irritable in ways that were probably only evident to those closest to me for a while now.

Since the fog has started to lift, however, the limited contact I've had with both of them has been weird (he's stubbornly refusing to talk to me, although he's been sleeping with a former "friend" of mine and they show up at every social event I attend). I'm not sure I like them anymore -- and this might not just be because they're both fed up with me -- it's hard to say.

My friend's email (I peeked at it), however, is a pretty critical litany of detailed complaints about things like my showing up late at a particular dinner a year ago and the fact that I didn't express enough happiness for her when she got married (I gave a joyous toast at their wedding and spent hours with her on the phone getting silly over wedding dress pictures online).

I think the essential argument of her email is valid -- I've been too absorbed in my problems to be supportive of her of late and she's exhausted with supporting me -- I actually backed off on calling her back in March when the breakup hit because I didn't want to keep leaning on her -- and I told her that I thought I needed to get things together on my own because I could see that I wasn't in a position to be a good friend. I'm just kind of hurt that she's choosing to launch into all these old grievances now instead of having dealt with them along the way.

[lorka150]

how ironic! although yours was much afterwards, after i was diagnosed, i got really, really ill for awhile. i was in and out of the hospital, frustrated, scared, and had about 5 doctor's appointments a week. i could hardly finish school, had to quit my job, et cetera, et cetera.

i had a few friends also email me, discussing how 'selfish' i was.

at the time, i felt horrible! what a bad friend i was being... i thought.

however, now, i obviously see the real deal. being diagnosed showed me really who my friends were! and who i needed... my huge 'group of close relationships dwindled down to most of my family, and about four other friends - whom i am eternally grateful for and love.

[eKatherine]

I've found that when somebody (in my case, my now ex-husband) gives you a long list of your faults and shortcomings "for your own good", it tells you as much as if not more about them than about you.

[CarlaB]

I just find it strange that a friend would itemize their complaints about how you haven't been supportive of them. I thought we were supposed to be grateful when our friends are there for us, and understand we are not the center of their universe, so be understanding when they have other things going on in their lives.

Sounds like a selfish rant to me. If she didn't want to be there for you when you were sick, she didn't have to be. My mother always told me how I didn't react properly to certain events ... it took me years, but I finally had to cut it off with her (yea, there's more to it) because I have six kids to raise and can't be constantly worried if I'm wording something right or getting excited enough or for that matter am not late to a dinner! I'd try to have a serious heart-to-heart with your friend, but keep in mind that she seems upset that she's losing control over you and she's trying to get it back. My mom's a codependent, and it sounds like your friend might be, too.

[rinne]

She's a pretty controlling person and I'm pretty laid back (especially off gluten) -- come to think of it, he's pretty controlling as well -- and I definitely think that my attraction to both of them may have had to do with the structure they brought to my life (weird to think of this). It was always easier for me to just go along with their plans.

I think it is important to observe the dynamics of the relationships we get into, and really important if we have a pattern of relationships that is unhealthy. I don't know if this is generally the case for you but you are identifying a pattern above.

In my thirties I saw that many of my relationships seemed to be about me being strong and supportive and my friends needing a lot of support and being attracted to me because I seemed strong. I realized at some point that that was how I was protecting myself and as long as none of my "friends" could see that I too was struggling I didn't have to deal with my struggles. Does that make sense? I don't know that that applies to your friend but I would say that someone who writes a letter expressing her frustration and includes an event that you were late for a year ago may not be very skillful in expressing her true feelings.

[eleep]

Yes, I really do think this is -- at least in part -- very much about a toxic relationship situation. The same goes for my ex-boyfriend -- although I fear that we're going to spend some time together at some point soon (the subject has been broached -- he's leaving town soon and we may never see each other again) and I'm going to see that he's been a fabulous guy all along, his difficultness was really all about my being sick and I've lost something I'm always going to regret.

Somehow, from many other friends' comments that they'd always thought I was too good for him, I don't think that's going to happen, but I don't know. He has two sides -- the guy I spent a lot of time with in the woods is amazing.

I think I am very much in a slashing and burning stage with extraneous people in my life right now -- I have a lot less tolerance for controlling behavior and I call it when I see it (as gently as possible).

[CarlaB]

If he ends up being that great guy and it was all because you were sick, then both of you may see it ... if it happens that way, don't let it go. I have a feeling it's not going to happen that way from what you've said, but if it does ... definately see him before he leaves ... you need to know.

[rinne]

I think that when we are mixed up and confused and therefore somewhat messed up we attract people who are mixed up and confused and sort of messed up too, although perhaps in a different way than we are. Another way to say this and take it as an exteme, is that a healthy sane human being does not look at someone who is messed up and fall in love with them.

Believe me, I've been there and now that I understand the degree to which the Celiac affected my personality I can definitely see why I got involved with some messed up guys.

[Phila]

I think that when we are mixed up and confused and therefore somewhat messed up we attract people who are mixed up and confused and sort of messed up too, although perhaps in a different way than we are. Another way to say this and take it as an exteme, is that a healthy sane human being does not look at someone who is messed up and fall in love with them.

Believe me, I've been there and now that I understand the degree to which the Celiac affected my personality I can definitely see why I got involved with some messed up guys.

I agree with this notion of unhealthy relationship patterns and I think it has to do with fear and dependency. I've stayed in many bad relationships because I was afraid of one thing or another. For instance, I stayed in a relationship for 3 years with someone who had no intention of ever being married or ever having kids, even though I want these things for myself. I also allowed one boyfriend TO KICK MY HEEL ALL THE WAY HOME. There were many things about this particular man that concerned me, yet I accepted them and went along with it all. I now see that I did nothing in the relationship to set boundaries, so how could I expect to be respected? Sometimes I think he was consciously testing my limits by doing that because in time he saw right through my lack of self-respect. I've also risked my health and allowed various other things that could result in harm (thankfully all is ok there). Neither of these two men were suitable for me, yet I remained in the relationships. I did not realize that I was repeating this pattern until recently and am very happy to finally "get it". In a very strange way I was using these men to distract me from living my own life. For instance, rather than have the courage to pursue a career, I instead attempted to fill that void by throwing myself into a guy.

I'm still trying to sort all of this out, so I hope it's not confusing

[Phila]

oh...and btw...a funny thing happened recently when I got back together with the 3 year relationship guy. When I started to set boundaries (i.e. asking to do things that I wanted to do) he decided that he wanted to marry me and have 12 babies! We're not together anymore, btw.